hi I should go to sleep now but I feel like checking in.

my heart has been feeling strange. like heavy or like it is working hard or tight or strange. and i'm sure it's all mental from when the doctor said she heard a heart murmur. I looked up heart murmur and most are innocent. but i'm pretty sure i'm mentally doing this because when I am busy or thinking about other things I am fine, but when I have down time that is when I feel it so i am sure my brain just goes there. so i'm trying not to think or worry about it but it is hard.

but this week is a crazy one. after class tomorrow i have to do fme practice presentations. and then i am going out to dinner and then to a concert. so i have no time to do work. and then Tuesday i'm going to wake up early to do work and then after class i have to babysit and i'm not sure until how late. and then Wednesday i'm also babysitting until 6:30 and then my dad asked if i wanted to go to a concert with him. and then Thursday i am babysitting too and then going to the hunger games premiere. and then Friday at 2pm i'm on a bus to the airport to go to chile. what. alright then. we will get it all done though.

okay but strange occurrence today. this morning joe cooked me, Amelie, roxy, and irfaan pancakes. i think joe was gone at this point. but roxy told me that her boyfriend mike was going to join us to go see the hunger games premiere to which i said yay third wheel. and then she felt bad and i was like no no it's fine, i'm just giving you a hard time. but then Irfaan said he was going to come so yay. but then a little while roxy said something sassy to irfaan so he said that she couldn't come to the hunger games and started to say "so then Mike will be the..." and then stopped and i was just shaking my head and he said he wasn't going to finish that sentence. and we kind of laughed. and then sort of said something else and i said i was going to say that i would be third wheeling him and mike. but anyways it was strange because he went to thinking that it would be like we were together and you know that it was just what came to his head because he stopped himself midsentence when he realized. i'm sure i was blushing like crazy.

because the thing is i kind of like Irfaan, in the way that you kind of interested. i have been since then first year. so i am extra aware of what i say and how i act around him sort of thing. but not that i necessarily want anything to happen. if anything i would like to be better friends with him. i never actually hang out and talk with him unless in a big group and i never actually talk. i realized i don't know all that about him, so like we act like friends in the group but aren't actually that close.

but anyways now I've been thinking about that. i know it is not a big deal and i can't bring it up and talk about it with anyone because then they will know I've been thinking about it and i care and might be interested in him. anyways fun stuff. and i think joe is coming to the movies now too, which is good, but also bad because i was kind of excited for a kind of double date, but not really, thing. anyways we will see how that goes on Thursday!

now i really should go to sleep. exciting week. now cut it out heart/brain.

I am about to start crying in the library.

I am hungry. and I was seeing who would go to trim with me. Roxy is going to Reynolds and I don't want to use my Reynolds meals. Ellie is at dinner with her brother. Amelie is eating in her room. so I don't have anyone to eat with.

and I have this stupid science project. and no one in my group has done anything. and I haven't done enough to compensate and make up for their lack of doing shit. I had the smallest part too so I should have done a bigger part. and I am trying to make my part better and I don't know what I am doing. and I don't think anyone is going to do anything, they definitely haven't done anything yet. and I don't want to do their parts. yet it is supposed to be a group project. so I am meeting with the professor tomorrow to tell her but I don't think she will be able to anything. I don't know what she will tell me. maybe i'll just do the whole thing on Thursday. I don't know. I don't want to get stressed out by this because it isn't a big deal but I sort of am getting stressed about it.

and I have two papers to write for entertainment law. and I have barely started. and I just feel like all of this is crap. what is the point. and I have a bunch of reading for tomorrow that isn't going to get done.

I just can't do this. it's all stupid and insignificant problems but I have to deal with them anyways.

hopefully i'll be going home on Friday for the weekend. and all of this will be over with soon enough. it just really sucks that's all.

Joe already went to dinner. I texted Emma but i'm not holding my breath that I will get a response. I might end up just using one of my Reynolds meals. because I don't want to eat in Trim by myself. pathetic.

i have this nawing tightening anxious feeling in my stomach. it feels like i'm nervous and like i'm upset at myself. like I am worried about what is going to happen next.

I don't know. Ellie just got back from the weekend and I just didn't have the energy to entertain her. so I sort of just sat quietly until she left. and I know she knew that I was out of it. but whatever.

I really just want to go to sleep. but I have to go do my shift at the innovation center, but I probably won't stay the whole time because I need sleep. and I still have this horrible feeling in my stomach.

I have been watching the show Nashville and now i'm hooked on it.

it's nawing, tightening.
pounding, coming ever closer.
I just want to go to sleep.
but I still have ten things to get done.
my mind can't stop.
what I should be doing. what i'm not doing.
who wants me to do what.
I need to break away.
I need to sleep.
but they won't stop telling me what I should be doing.
I won't stop telling me what I should be doing.
expectations and reality are one and the same.
don't let them down.
don't let yourself down.
you need to do this. you need to keep going.
you said you would.
they need you to.
you need you to.
I need me to.
i'm the one letting the pressure get to me.
it's all made up.
the expectations from others are mine only.

(this never got published before, it should be before the previous post)

hi I have a lot of thoughts and feelings but I am not sure what to write about. I feel like you miss out on a lot in my life so you don't get the full picture by reading this. but I guess that is life, you never get the full picture of anyone but yourself. i'm going to go catch up on what I have written about in case I need to add on to anything.

omg I've barely posted since school started but I feel like so much has happened.

between the stupid hackathon, which I don't want to write about and would rather just forget.

dealing with living with Ellie and that whole friendship.

babysitting and dogsitting like crazy.

Roxy and her boyfriend.

all of my classes, and doing a play. the classes I like and the classes I don't like.

how content I am that there are no boys in my life.

I think I overall i'm happy though. daily I tiptoe around and deal with Ellie. I have to deal with classes and that work. jobs and all of that is always in the back of my mind. trying to be a good friend and make new friends. and being a good daughter/sister and staying in touch with them.

I was just home last weekend and again had such a hard time living. I was miserable all day. and I was crying so hard when I was leaving. I was also sick, I had a cold, so maybe that was part of it. but by the time I got to babson I was fine and back at it.

I just video chatted with Kristen. I miss her so much, I wish she was here. it's crazy to think a year ago we were in Shanghai. ahhh. okay I think I should go to bed.

crying.

I have a stupid science midterm tomorrow that I don't know anything for because we have to know so much and I don't know anything so I know i'm going to do poorly

and then I messed up something for fme, I just jumped the gun because I wanted to get something done when I really should have just waited. and now it came back to bite me in the butt. and it's stupid.

and i'm overtired. and I just feel like shit. and I don't want to do anything.

this is such a rough week for me. I didn't even see it coming.

I just want someone I can rant to and talk to about all of this without them judging or comparing my life to theirs.

deep breath. okay here is the plan molly. after you are done with this you are going to get ready for bed. then you are going to go to sleep. tomorrow morning you will put on your favorite sweater and jeans. then you will go to fme and deal with professor vroman and apologize for your mistake. you will try to look over some science stuff while you are in fme. and then you will take your science midterm and you will do the best you can. and then it will be over. and then you will go to media studies. and after media studies you will grab some food. and then you will go babysit. after babysitting you will get dinner. and then you will finish your business and drama paper and you will do research for your entertainment law paper. and then you will cut stupid paper for professor sokuvitz. then you will go to bed. then the next morning you will wake up and you will finish cutting paper and you will write warm and fuzzies for the first years. and then you will do errands if you have time. and then you will go to business and drama and then entertainment law. and then you will breathe. and then you will get some food. and then you will do science research or the science lab. and then you will have dinner. and then you will do the fme review session. and then you will do science research or the science lab. then maybe you will go to Karla's suite. and then you will sleep. and then you will go to the fme exam. then you will drive Amelie. and then you will either go to your science meeting then babysit, or you will try to get out of the science meeting and meet Maeve and Auntie Julie for lunch and then hang out with Maeve and her friends for the day.

but I really don't want to do any of that. I just want to curl up in my bed and stay here forever. but I guess that is life and being an adult. it sucks.

okay so an idea just popped into my head and I need to flesh it out a bit.

okay so every time a fan engages with you on facebook, twitter, instagram: aka follows you. they get a message. a message invites you to join "the fan club" which basically is just them entering their info. the main info we would want: name, age (birthday), location (zipcode), twitter/instagram/facebook, email

then we would have a profile for every fan. so we can target emails/messages at them. when it is their birthday they can get a special message from us. when there is something major happening in their city, they can get a message: whether that is us performing or just some news worthy event to show we are thinking about them.

you can also send a follow up longer option survey to everyone part of the club. this could have fun questions like what is your favorite color? and favorite candy? maybe even ask their mailing address. so that way you can surprise them by always sending emails in their favorite color. or randomly sending them small surprises. and you can ask them market survey questions too. like what do you think of this song? how likely are you to buy this merch for this amount?

you could even incorporate a point system into the survey thing. but just get as much information from your fans so they are just not a number. but this is something that one artist could do with the help of some interns. minus if you actually mail them anything, this wouldn't cost any money, just time. but think about how devoted the fans would be when everything is tailored to them and how special they would feel.

then if there was a way to make this so it could be streamlined and easily used for every artist. there is a business within itself. manage their email/social media messaging to the fans and keep a database of all their fans.

hello I have owed you a post. and right now I am tired and should be sleeping but it's not that late. so now I will talk with you.

I went and visited Maeve at her college. and it was so strange. she was so at home at college. she knew all these people and just fit in. she was all grown up. she knew her way around, she had friends, she stopped to talk to people as we were walking around. it was so weird. I am so proud of her and I am so happy she is enjoying it. I guess it is hard to see your little sister grow up.

what else is happening in my life. i'm currently dogsitting two dogs at two different houses from Thursday until Tuesday. so that's exciting. last weekend I have been babysitting. so I really haven't had a weekend on campus yet. which is fine.

i'm kind of getting ready to be done with college. i'm getting sick of seeing the same people all the time. and the same old same old. I mean I still love it, but i'm so used to it. the 4th time starting a new year the magic sort of wears off. I mean I have an awesome year planned and I know I will enjoy myself but just little things are starting to rub me the wrong way. like having to fight to keep a room I reserved in the library. and people who are nice and friendly to you but you both know that you just don't click. and having your close friends but knowing that you annoy them and they annoy you sometimes and just the same old stuff. but I guess that is life right? I should get used to it because I can't just up and move whenever I get sick of it...well maybe I can but we will see about that.

so the other day I was researching companies I might want to apply to. and I stumbled upon this smaller company and I didn't understand how it worked. so I created an account and all and I kind of figured it out. but they sent me one of those generic emails about how I haven't done anything yet. so I emailed them back and said I wasn't really making an account I was just curious and if I could talk to someone. they said yeah! so I talked on the phone with these guys and what they were doing made sense and all and it was pretty interesting. and then they sort of offered me an internship because they are doing a campus rep program. so they are supposed to send me more about it. interested how things happen. not sure if it will happen, but it's good to talk to people.

well in some cases it is good to talk to people. so I had talked about Andrew before right? hold on let me check. oooh I left off at the first convo. anyways I kept talking to him for a while and I found out things were going on with his girlfriend...and he was hard core flirting. anyways I decided it was too weird for me because he was still posting stuff about his girlfriend on social media. but I didn't hear from him for a while and then I liked something he posted on facebook and then he messaged me about how we hadn't talked in a while and he was busy. but then he called me "darling." so I called him out and said it made me uncomfortable that he was flirting with me while he had a girlfriend. and he sort of shut up pretty quickly, I tried to keep the convo going a bit longer but he wasn't having any of it. so I am assuming that he won't be talking to me anymore...I think i'll add all of our convos at the end of this just to keep them. don't be mad at me for talking to him as long as I did. sometimes it takes my brain a little while to kick in between all the hormones and emotions and stuff.

what else? still have a kind of weird friendship with Derek. no real father drama.

oooh. I remember. I got a text the other day from a number I didn't have in my phone that said "Hey" so I said "Hey, who is this?" and they responded "Bea" to which I didn't respond. you remember Bea, right? anyways there was a falling out between her and my sister and i'm pretty sure Bea said or did some things that I didn't like either. but then out of the blue she sent my sister an email, which was the letter she had talked about in a video a long time ago but never wrote/sent. but then when Maeve wanted to talk on the phone with her she had to study for a test...so Maeve hasn't talked to her. and then I got this. and I didn't respond after that, and she didn't say anything else. like I told Maeve, both Maeve and I have moved in our lives and we don't need Bea as a friend. so i'm not going to be chasing after or trying to mend this friendship. Bea was never that great of a friend anyways, she was so caught up with herself. so just as well. I still wish her well and hope she is enjoying college, but to be honest i'm assuming her reaching out to me and Maeve means she might not be doing great. she just has to hold in there and find herself a bit and grow up and she will do okay.

anything else? dealing with classes. I don't feel like a senior. I still feel so young and like I don't know what im doing. i'm going to go to chile in 2 months. and then to paris in march. what. I don't know.

I should sleep because I need to do work in the morning and then I have to go to Boston for a Hacking Arts meeting and party. and I still have two dogs to take care of. and then school the day after. but I start ceramics on Monday so I am excited for that. ahh okay let me slowly start getting ready for bed.