it's like my emotions are on a different schedule. my brain is saying one thing but they are off running away. and then as soon as I get them back under control another thing sets them off. no amount of reason can bring them back, they hold onto hope and possibility and just go off.

ugh. like I kind of just want to end this so I can move on and stop getting pulled back in.

so I was just talking to Maeve and my aunt comes in and tells me it's quarter to one so I need to be quiet and I need to shut my window because of the alarm.

and now I am worried that they can hear everything is say and I was talking about sex and James and everything. so shit if they can hear everything.

and I can't even leave my window open.

I sometimes really hate living here and just want my own space. i'm old enough to stay up as late as I want and leave my window up and talk about sex without worrying about who is hearing me. ah this sucks. I feel stuck here. I haven't even been here a month yet. and i'm already ready to move on. I better start planning some more trips because there is no way I can keep this up.

but I told Maeve about the whole James thing and she is cool about it and it was good to talk to her about this stuff. but I know what I have to do and I've come to terms with it all. so whatever. I don't really know what i'm doing. I just kind of feel judged and trapped here and I just want out. I want my own place. ugh.

I feel sick and tired. but whatever. but it's not whatever because they are letting me stay here for free and feeding me and everything so I have to be gracious and stay out of the way. but I just want to stop tip-toeing around and just feel comfortable here.

today was actually a pretty good day but now I just feel like shit. it's probably just because i'm tired. but tomorrow I have to wake up and face them. and I can tell my aunt is just getting annoyed with me. and god I just want to escape and be by myself and just do what I want without feeling like i'm trapped. this kind of sucks.

and it says James is online but he has not seen my last message and he isn't responding. and I just want to cry and get out of here.

oh I have so much to tell you. but i'm too tired to do it all now.

but I am trying to not let myself get attached. because I know he's not the right one. and I know he won't ever treat me the way I deserve or want to be treated. like I can only take so many jokes ragging on me. and I know he is judging me for being a virgin and I know he is going to want to have sex. and if I don't have sex with him he is going to go have sex with other women. so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only woman he is dating or seeing. and I can't justify having sex with him so he will be exclusive with me. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me regardless of the sex.

and i'm sad because I know it's not going to work out how I want it to. there isn't going to be a fairy tale ending here and i'm going to lose the closest friend I have here. I mean I can propose that we just be friends but won't it be awkward now after we already went past that just friends line?

I don't want to have this conversation with him because I know it is most likely going to end with him saying that he wants to have sex and doesn't understand being in a relationship or exclusive with someone without sex. which I can see and understand where he is coming from but I just don't agree. i'm worth more than sex and i'm worth more than jokes about him having side bitches and me being one of them.

this would be so much easier if I just had sex with him. like sex isn't that big of a deal, is it? well it would cost me almost 100 euros to get on birth control between the consultation and the actual pill for three months. but apart from that, it's that big of a deal right? who am I kidding, Molly you will get even more attached if you have sex with him. and you are going to have to leave in three months. and even if there is that little hope that it could still work, you know very well it wouldn't. you wouldn't want it to because you are going to be off somewhere new and don't want to worry about a boyfriend - you did that once and saw how badly that worked out. plus his life is so different than mine, he wouldn't travel to the US or anywhere really. but it would be so nice to have him to myself as a friend and more and to have sex with him for three months. I could still make the decision to do that. and as much as I want to do that, I think I would still be disappointed. I don't think he could give me the emotional connection I want. I want to feel like I belong and have a place here and I don't think i'll find that by having sex with James and I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

but maybe i'm wrong and it would make me happy and I would have a great friend and I don't know. it sort of feels like i'm making a big deal out of nothing. like why not just get sex over with so I don't have to go through this again the next time I meet someone I like.

I don't think this really helped me figure it out. like what I said at first is what I know makes logical sense but don't you just want to say fuck what makes sense and do the irrational and crazy even though you know it will hurt you in the long run?

i'm going over his house tomorrow.

why am I so nervous.

quick updates:

1. I quit my internship
2. James and I have kissed a lot in hidden places we have found in the city
3. I'm planning trips to Germany and Italy currently
4. Ellie messaged me today in typical all-about-her-and-her-problems-and-how-much-I-hurting-her fashion
5. I've been in a bit of a slump this week but I am okay now because I had a good evening with James
6. I went to Grandma's grave and house and cried
7. Evelyn and Lauren call James my boyfriend
8. I told Maeve about him
9. I'm still feeling kind of lost and like I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying to be okay with that

open a new tab
load gmail
open an old email
close window
open a new website.
wait, wait
open a soda

open my laptop
open the internet
open email
open a new tab
open my water

okay those are all stupid. that's my attempt at writing a poem about how I feel like i'm wasting my time and my potential and how I could be doing so much but I am literally here open and reopening gmail.

so I just kissed a boy. apparently he thought to kiss me when we were getting ready to say bye and I said "i hate this part it is so awkward" or something like that. sooo for the ten minutes we were waiting for my train he kissed me and we talked and I was so awkward and he was like just relax but I was just so on edge and awkward, the fact that this was even happening. I told him that I literally just wanted a friend. and he said yeah we can be both. and he was trying to make me calm down but I was just was I don't know. I still don't know. right now I am so tired. and I still have to work tomorrow. I can not really comprehend how this happened.

and the bad thing is I am not 100% sure I really like him. like I enjoyed kissing him but my stomach wasn't doing somersult, just little butterflies. but I still like hanging out with him and I did like kissing him. ahhh god. another thing to worry about or think about, not really worry I guess. but just another thing. a good thing.

but jesus Christ how long have you been here molly and you are already kissing someone. granted he is my only friend here soooo.

anyways i'm too tired for this but I am on the dart right now. and I left my phone at the bar we were at. but I called them and they had it. so I will get it tomorrow at lunch time. oh but that's a night without it. I have to think about how I will do my alarm. I guess I will leave my laptop open. or let me see if my little phone does an alarm.

but oh my goodness what I have I gotten myself into.

ah okay sooo I was just texting James to figure out plans for this week. and after I said when and where he says "Cool cool cool it's a date" so I just responded "like a date date?!?! So you do like me? :D"

okay so I started writing that last night but then I stopped because he responded and then I was updating Amelie. oh jeez. all I wanted was a friend but now I'm going on dates, ahh. let me see the last thing I wrote to you.

you're pretty much up to date. i'll just transcribe all the texts so I have them here.

James: "Moll(ie)y I got your call. If this aint Moll(ie)y then who the fuck is this? Why are you ringing me???" 3-Jun 11:19PM

Molly: "Don't worry your number has not been leaked yet, this is Molly with a y"

James: "Don't know any Molly's with a y. Must be wrong number. Please leave." 3-Jun 11:48PM

Molly: "Bye!"

Molly: "Do you want to meet up for dinner Tuesday or Wednesday?"

James: "Yeah I reckon it wont be the worst thing I could do. :) Anything or anywhere you have in mind?" 5-Jun 10:24PM

(this one wasn't saved so from memory) Molly: "I think it's one of the best things you can do. I don't have anything in mind but I could look something up!"

James: "I don't know maybe striving for world peace could be a better use of my time but only just :-). Yeah you do that. If you'd rather I can look for something. You know take away the pressure of you having to make a decision EVER!!!" 5-Jun 11:15PM

Molly: "Let's go to bad ass café! Tuesday?"

James: "Cool cool cool its a date!" 5-Jun 11:28PM

Molly: "Like a date date?!?! So you do like me! :D"

James: "No that's just a figure of speech like when someone says Ill kill you in your sleep and make it look like suicide but they don't really mean it. :) :) :)" 5-Jun 11:38PM

Molly: "Your three smileys say otherwise!"

James: "I just had a giggle to myself thinking of you over analyzing and obsessing over every little thing I say and do, because I'm deliberately coy, and then you sent that text which in a way reinforced my mode of thinking. :*" 5-Jun 11:51PM

Molly: "Glad I could amuse you! I'm going to sleep, goodnight!"

James: "Cool talk to you tomorrow so we can sort out the details for our date!! :D :D" 6-Jun 12:02AM

oh man, it never stops, does it?

I should be sleeping but i'm awake. and I am not awake enough to make a coherent post but here I am. i'm trying hard not to build up the idea of james in my head but that is failing. mostly because I have nothing else fun to think about and I like him and I enjoyed hanging out with him all day yesterday. like it was so easy hanging out with him. and I felt so comfortable and at ease with him. anyways I should sleep. i'm exhausted. but I can't help but wonder if james told his family or friends about me, like I did with Roxy and Maeve. is he wondering when i'm going to text? is he looking forward to the next time we hang out? who knows. well he does. and maybe i'll know eventually.

I am currently at the youbloom conference but i'm manning the registration table and it is slow so I have a chance to just relax and reflect for a bit. yesterday was such a long day but somehow I was up this morning and ready to go again.

so I have sort of made a friend, James. he has been working the conference all day yesterday and today with me. he's cool but like almost too cool for me. like he does not support capitalism at all, he is a vegetarian, he doesn't want to do any harm, he has his septum pierced, he has a tattoo of a triangle on his face, his nails are painted black, when someone said that their band was evenly split gender wise he told me later that he should have said "oh so two men, two women, two trans," he is an art student, he doesn't have a phone, what else...but he is also really funny and nice and easy to get along with. he is sarcastic and pokes fun at me. and we are also the only two in the same boat.

but anyways I saw him at the initial volunteer meeting and I thought he looked cool and around my age range and wanted to be friends but we didn't talk then. but next there was a walk through of the venues so I talked to him a bunch then. but I thought I wouldn't see him again because we would be working at different venues, but then he ended up volunteering to work at the whole conference so now I've seen him a bunch. and he said he will hang out with me tomorrow. so working on friends. still sort of figuring each other out. but there is one friend, woohoo. not sure how i'm going to make any more. actually I have one more prospect who I will talk to more tomorrow. but he has definitely made this conference a lot more fun because it is kind of long and boring, not kind of, definitely is.

but things are going well here. i'm settling in at the Cotter's and getting used to them. I feel bad that they have to drive me to and from the Dart station and I kind of wish I had more freedom to come and go without worrying about them. but I have a long day today and then another long day tomorrow but tomorrow I get to meet the place i'm supposed to be interning at. but we will see how everything goes. just figuring it out and getting used to everything.

i'll give a bigger reflection and update another time when I can breathe, maybe Sunday?