I haven't heard from Matt all week. I was kind of expecting something yesterday or today asking what I was up to for the weekend. but we are sort of at that point where someone has to show that they care and put themselves out there. everyone wants to be indifferent and not show their feelings. because by saying they want to hang out and putting effort in, they are making themselves vulnerable. so far in our relationship the two times we hung out was pretty noncommittal. now moving onto hanging out again, it will show that we actually care...so maybe that is why he is not texting or maybe he is just not interested. but I am actually not too worried. a little disappointed to be honest. I did enjoy hanging out with him. but maybe it is for the best since I knew that I really only liked hanging out with him and nothing more. it was just kind of nice to have someone to go on dates with and have that attention. but I have a quote that I keep on my computer that pretty much sums up this situation:

"She’s not the type of girl to wait by the phone, she won’t cry, she knows it’ll get her nowhere, she’ll laugh a lot and often, and she will live her own life. She would like you to be a part of it, but she will do just fine without you."

okay so there is that. he will probably text me tonight now that I wrote all of that out and I will have to reevaluate. it would be easiest if we both just sort of stopped texting...even though I would never get an explanation but that is okay with me. it was just for fun and to see if it was worth our time. apparently not.

okay but more exciting. Ellie and I went to a George Ezra concert. and right before it we were having dinner right down the street from the venue. and we were sitting outside. and I was pretty much done eating and I look up and I see a tall man with these little round sunglasses wearing a hat and kind of covered up. and it was George Ezra. and I didn't have much time to think or process, I just recognized him and wasn't sure if it even was him. so I said in a small voice "Hi, George" and waved. and he smiled and waved back and kept walking. and then I was just in shock and fangirling and disappointed in myself for the rest of the night. I didn't ask for a picture or talk to him or anything! I missed my chance to talk to George Ezra! and Ellie gave me a hard time for it the rest of the night. but I am still in shock that happened. and I am still mad I didn't say anything else. but at least I said something. and at least I saw him. there were so many people because it was a Red Sox game too that he could have easily walked by. he was by himself too which was strange. but when he came on stage and he was just in his t-shirt and I saw how cute he was I almost started crying because I missed my chance to talk to him. he was so close I could have reached out and touched him or stuck my foot out and tripped him. but in order to appease myself and calm my mind, I am telling myself that once I am a successful businesswoman in the music industry, I will meet him and I will tell him this story. I still can't believe that happened though. ahhhhhhh.

okay I am just going to start every paragraph with okay because that is how I pause in my mind and change subjects. okay. so I talked with David who is the head of the team at Spotify that I work on. and he wants me to stay for the fall but he doesn't know if he has the budget. I said I would want to. he wants to just try to extend my summer internship as long as possible so I will just stay on. so if he figures it out and can find the money to pay me i'll still be at Spotify. so that means I will have to rearrange my schedule. which I am going to try to do while still being a full time student with 16 credits, being an FME mentor which is like an additional class, and still babysitting, and being an Education Abroad advisor, and being an exchange student Peer Mentor which involves helping with orientation. and i'm going to work out. and be a good friend. and have time to relax. and still visit my family and all. I can do it. you have to hussle when you're in college. but that means my week off that I was going to go home for, i'll still be working. I will just stay for that week. and then the Saturday after that Friday I will move back to school and then training and orientation for a week and a half then classes start and i'm back to work. so if you look at the rest of my summer. this weekend i'm at the beach, babysitting, and red sox game. then next week i'm working all week like normal and i'll see Derek. then that weekend is currently open, maybe i'll go home? probably not since it won't be much time and it's a bit early to be packing unless I just bring it all to Auntie Lorrie's but there isn't much room. anyways. then the next week i'm working and spending three days in New York. then that Friday I have to drive Ellie to the airport and I start dogsitting and I dogsit all weekend. and then if I stay with Spotify I will work the next week. and then on Saturday I move back in to Babson and start training. and then the Thursday orientation starts and I have that all weekend. and then classes start on the next Wednesday. and I will be back to work at Spotify on Thursday. and then that weekend I am babysitting all weekend, like the parents are going away, for two girls. and then Monday I have off. and then back to class and work on Tuesday. and I start my weekly babysitting gig on Wednesday. awesome.

but honestly just thinking about the fact that I am working at Spotify is amazing. I have applied to so many internship and the fact that I got one at Spotify. and I have kept it for so long. and that I feel like I belong and fit in there and that I am actually contributing to something. it's amazing. I just have to remind myself sometimes that I work for Spotify. and that is a big deal.

okay the only other thing I am worried about is if my dad made my tuition payment or not. my mom and I had to take out a $40,000 loan this year so now I am up to $50,000 in total student loans I need to pay back. and even though I got some financial aid. I still need to pay $4,000 this semester which covers my father's portion. so I sent him the wire transfer info. and I checked in yesterday and he said he sent a check. which was not one of the options I told him. so I asked him what address he sent it to and he said he would check in the morning. I texted him this afternoon asking and I haven't heard from him. but the payment is due on Monday. so if he hasn't paid it then my account will be put on hold. technically I have enough money saved up that I could pay it and then he could pay me. but I just need to know where that check is and if they will be able to accept that and process it for my tuition. I have no idea where he sent it since I didn't have Babson's address, just the bank's address and the bank account info that I gave him. but I will bug him about it another time. and there was another issue between him and my sisters right before they left for Ireland. my mom briefly started to mention it but then decided that Maeve could tell me. and when I was texting my dad trying to get this information he mentioned that he was disappointed they wouldn't even come inside the new office. so obviously another miscommunication upset happened there because my dad can't see things for their perspective at all. and Maeve and Maura are still just kids so they can't be expected to act any differently than how they are. I don't even know what happened this time and I kind of don't want to.

anyways now I should get my sleep. i'm going to the beach with Ellie tomorrow and I need my energy because she always drains it. I had to tell her I didn't want to hang out today because I needed a day of nothing. and because I needed to be by myself. I spend so much time with Ellie that is exhausting. I love her, but it takes a lot of effort to hang out with her. i'm not even sure how to explain why but just to make sure she is happy and to calm her down and make sure she is okay always, I guess. that doesn't really do it justice. but I'm spending the day with her at the beach tomorrow and then all day with her Sunday too since I think we are going to get brunch before the Red Sox game. and then I think she wants to meet some of her co-workers at a bar before the game. then the actual game. and then after we will probably get food. and then the commute back. and then finally i'll be home and the weekend will be over. oooh not really I think I get to work from home on Monday too since Smith and Coby will both be out. awesome.

okay now sleep. I also might look up and see if I wrote about first getting the Spotify internship or not.