Finn won't stop barking and it is freaking me out. like I am mentally going insane. I can't handle this house.

Maura didn't want to go to the drive-ins yesterday. when we were waiting in the car mommy was talking to her and then mommy just got upset. so then I went and talked to Maura. and she wouldn't talk, she was silent, but she sat there and listened when I talked. so I told them to go to the drive-ins without me and I would stay with Maura. so I stayed there and finally she decided she would write down what was wrong with her. and I heard her crying. and then this is where I messed up. I didn't follow through. I was reading a book and I just kept reading it and by the time I went upstairs she was already asleep. she had come downstairs once or twice before but didn't stay anything about it, of course she wouldn't, and I didn't ask. I fucked up and didn't follow through. maybe because it was easier or I don't know why.

this family has always held everything thing. don't say what is wrong. suck it up. you are fine. we are a perfect family. but obviously not because that was shattered back when I was a freshman in college.

Finn please stop barking.

but of course I messed up. I was trying to do something right for once and care about Maura because she has been doing this for a while and obviously something is wrong.

and I had to go upstairs for some reason right now so I decided to just read what Maura wrote. when I talked to her about it earlier today she didn't say I couldn't but was just sort of quiet. so I read it because I need to know what is up. she basically just wrote about her whole life and how she has always had anxiety so she has always quit things and how our family has had it worse. and like how when she did go to therapy she didn't talk so everyone thought she was fine. but she just freezes up and doesn't know what to say.

so I read that. game plan before I go back to Boston tonight is to talk to her and even if she doesn't say anything, tell her that she needs to show mommy that so she can help. get her to therapy, something. cause obviously we aren't helping the situation currently. she isn't just magically going to get better because this has been going on all her life.

maybe she is talking to mommy now because they are out shopping. all because she can't vocalize what is wrong doesn't mean there is something wrong. we have been oblivious or ignoring it because it is easier to read a book then to ask what it is wrong and give a damn.

I've been a bad big sister. still am, case it point yesterday when I didn't follow through, as soon as she was gone I just sort of peaced out.

I have like a ball of tightness in my chest. making decisions here. doing anything here. just afraid that Mommy is going to be upset, Maeve will get upset or what something else. half the time I avoid going to the barn because it is an ordeal coordinating and I have to decide if I want to ride Dolly and I just want to curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Finn needs to stop barking.

When i'm in Boston I can just forget about all of this and escape the anxiety and tension. No wonder Maura is drowning if I can feel the anxiety in me just being here two days.

I'm going to look up therapists for Maura in case she is against mommy knowing so I can coordinate it for her. I don't know what to do. i'm leaving here in a few hours. i'll be able to escape but Maura can't.