hi so today I had dinner with Dana which was great cause we just talked for a while about a lives and caught each other up. and then I locked my key in the car. that was fun too.

but um the reason why i'm writing this is because i'm meeting my dad for lunch tomorrow. and you know how I said earlier I needed to have a plan of what to say? well this is me forcing myself to do that even though I don't really want to. really what i'm probably do tomorrow is just play the innocent defensive passive aggressive and just not bring anything up and say as little as possible. just get by and be amicable. really that's all. and then i'll be off to school and I won't have to deal with him for a while.

but anyways. if he asks the whole family thing.

it is just hard for me. really I haven't had to deal with it since I haven't been home. but when I saw him with his new family on Christmas it really just hit me. that it used to be my sisters and I playing blokus with him. but it never will be again. but he can go off and play blokus with his new family while he just leaves my family in pieces. he has his new perfect family while my family is still healing from the cuts he made.

and the fact that he asked what changed from Ireland. a lot has happened. he didn't tell me he is engaged. I got those facebook messages from his girlfriend. which even if he doesn't think they are a big deal and if he thinks i'm over reacting, they still upset me. my feelings matter. and if they upset me then they were not okay.

and I don't know all the details about what happens between him and my sisters but some of the texts I have seen between them are not appropriate for him to be sending. he is the father and I expect him to be completely selfless. being a father is never about you. it is always about the kids. even when they are this age. and obviously he hasn't been doing that because they are talking to him - but the thing is, they are happier not talking to him.

but you can't blame them for not asking how your day was. or for treating you like crap. they are teenage girls, they do that. but you getting frustrated and taking it out on them is not appropriate. I would get calls from maeve hysterically crying after leaving your house. obviously you are not treating them correctly.


okay okay. now let me getting this concise and to the point so I actually have a chance of saying what I want tomorrow.

1. he has a new perfect family that he can play games with while he just left my family a mess -> and I am not ready to just join into his new family

2. my feelings matter. I am still hurt that he didn't tell me  he was engaged.

3. being a father is about always being selfless and never making it about yourself. (examples: "a. they didn't ask me how anna was or if I got her any presents so I didn't tell them I was going to propose. b. you didn't tell me that you were going to be in Hong Kong so it goes both ways with me not telling you I got engaged. c. telling Maura to give her a list of the things she did wrong instead of seeing that she is upset and wondering what he can do to help instead of saying "what did I do? I didn't do anything!")

I think that about sums it up. I mean if I actually say those three points i'm sure he will flip and get all defensive and somehow turn it onto me and make me question everything I think and make it sound like i'm the bad guy. but i'll just try to stick to my guns I guess. we will see what happens. i'm tough.