so i'm supposed to be writing this essay due on Monday but instead I get a text from maeve about a twitter account Maura has us blocked from.

basically she is being a typical teenager and complaining about her sisters and family. and it is just not appropriate for the public to see. and it made Maeve upset because she saw Maura talking shit about her all twitter.

now it's like where do I step in? I think it is good for her to vent her feelings and get it out - that is what I have this for. i'm sure I've complaining a bunch about my family in this but that is the thing, it is only for me to see - well Abby too at one point. but not everyone.

plus I feel like Maura needs to know that we are here for her if she needs support. I barely talk to her but maybe if I shared more with her then she would share with me. maybe i'll call her later and share the Michele situation and start building that trust back up so she knows she can come to talk to us. cause I don't like seeing her posting things about how she thinks she is a piece of shit and how her life is falling apart and all.

all and all now I need to work on my essay. hopefully maeve will call later so I can talk to her and then maybe i'll talk to Maura too.

yesterday my mom called so she could complain about Taylor and Zuri. well i'm just glad she has something to focus on and spend her time thinking about. now that I have been distanced from them for so long  it's like, they will do what they like and I don't really care. but I will be here to listen when mommy vents about them. just wish she would have asked more about me because I didn't even tell her about Spotify or that I had another babysitting gig. but that's alright.

anyways now I really need to start pounding out this essay.

hello party people on this friday night. oh right i'm in bed watching ugly betty and i just wanted the disney cartoon hercules. so so cool.

but that's okay i'm going to go to sleep soon because i am so tired and then i have more work to do tomorrow and all.

i'm officially an intern at Spotify. like that is just amazing. i remember when i first got spotify. i've had premium for the past year. and now i am working for them. that is amazing. i am so grateful for the opportunity and hopefully it works out well.

and babysitting is going well and i just met another family who i am going to babysit for as well. and i'm slaving away at classes and i am getting used to the flow. i am just keeping busy so i don't have time to stop and think really.

china is just a far away dream now. like it rarely comes up and when it does i feel like i'm bothering people or rubbing it in their face. i don't know.

Michele still likes me. like he sat with us at dinner even though he was already done. and i am currently ignoring a message on facebook from him. like i just want him to get the message that i am not really interested without being mean. but it has gotten to the point where i am always looking for him because i am afraid he is going to be everywhere. probably not the best plan.

i still say hi to the exchange kids but i am not invited to any of their parties which is sad. and it is kind of sad i guess that i have no invitations to do anything this weekend. but then i remember that i have amazing close friends who are always here for me and i don't need any more.

but you know i'm good, i'm in one of those states where nothing major is happening. which is good. i'm just plugging on through with my daily routines. woohoo.

okay so let me try to explain this situation to you quickly.

sophomore year there was this kid named Michele in our classes and I sort of befriended him by talking about classes and stuff.

okay so I am back on campus and I see him and say hi and all. and then I see him at Trim and I offer for him to come sit with us. somehow he ends up hanging out in our room for a bit. and then he hangs out with us the next night when we are out and about but he is drunk and out of it and interrupts everyone and basically doesn't make a good impression on anyone - especially since we were all sober. so yeah.

and then I was stupid enough to engage in a conversation with him on facebook and this is that convo:

18 hours ago

how was tonight??

4 hours ago

sorry if i was annoying last night!

i was kinda out of it you saw me after the beer pong tournament haha i took a sweet pic of van winkle today

you should follow me on instagram!

3 hours ago

how much of last night do you remember?

Most I think?

I didn't remember messaging you at 4am though I saw that today and was like oh

okay okay, just curious!

Did you have fun

ehh it was okay

Awh

I'm in horn rn wanna get dinner later

I already ate!

Ohh ok

Another time?

I'll be sober I swear

yeah you're going to have to work on redeeming yourself

I had to make sacrifices to win the tournament! (That I almost won) Haha can you give me your number so I can invite you to trim this week

You can just message me here! And I'm in Trim most evenings anyways

Meany

Yepp

Hana ok

I just got straight up denied

I don't think that has ever happened to me before

about an hour ago

It's ok, still follow me tho!

okay so all of that happened. and I was kind of mean. and I feel kind of bad. but like I didn't know what to say and i'm sure everything I said got misconstruted anyways since it is facebook and who knows how someone interprets it. and I think my view of him was getting clouded by Ellie's harsh opinions and judgments and all. and yeah I don't know. really I need to stop second guessing myself. but what I really wish I did was never respond on facebook. I know that the best is to just talk to someone in person but I couldn't help myself I guess. and none of my friends were around for me to talk to and see what I should say. and ugggh running into him is going to be fun. but whatever i'll get over it and figure it out.

so I've been at babson the past few days as the peer mentor for the exchange students. I think it is going pretty well. i'm exhausted though. I should be going to sleep now but I needed a chance to sort of decompress and relax. tomorrow is another fun filled day. hopefully the exchange kids have a good impression of me. I like my group. they are good kids. we will see how the rest of the weekend goes and if I stay in contact with them afterwards. but I am kind of excited for class to start and just get back into the swing of class and all and be back with my friends. this is good though. I can handle being the exchange peer mentor.

I don't really have anything to write about I just don't want to get ready for sleep even though I should. my shoulders hurt. i'm tired. blaaahhh. waking up at 7:30am tomorrow. woot woot.

okay alright.

guys i'm kind of scared about going back to school. the crazy schedule. the classes. dealing with all the people. I can't just sit around and do nothing for weeks. I have to put effort into stuff and be the best me possible.

people will judge me. people expect things from me. I will have to make decisions. I will have to figure out how to fix my mistakes.

I don't know if i'm ready for the pressure again. and just for everything.

I know I have to stop thinking like this but it is hard when my whole life is packed up again. and once again i'm moving. and I don't know if I will sleep in this room again because who knows when they are moving and when i'll be back home.

I know I am fully capable of handling next semester. classes, work, internship, and all. but it is just so much.

okay now is where I have to give myself a pep talk.

Molly: you are so amazing. you can do anything. definitely this next semester. you are going to hold your head up high and you are going to walk through that campus like you own that place. because you do. you just came back from living in shanghai. and not just living in shanghai but kicking butt in shanghai. you have an internship with freaking Spotify. you have a great babysitting job. you have amazing friends. you are going to do amazing in your classes because you are so smart and intelligent. you can handle anything. you are going to help these exchange students so much. and then you are going to help guide FME as well. and you are so confident. and just kick ass. you know who you are and you know how amazing and beautiful you are. you are destined for huge things. and right now you are making your destiny. you are working hard. you have your life together. and you can handle whatever happens because you believe in yourself and you love yourself and you know you can do anything.

it's just as much as I say I love change and I need to keep moving around or whatever, change is still hard. and I like being a homebody wherever my home is. now it's just time to move to my babson home.

hi so today I had dinner with Dana which was great cause we just talked for a while about a lives and caught each other up. and then I locked my key in the car. that was fun too.

but um the reason why i'm writing this is because i'm meeting my dad for lunch tomorrow. and you know how I said earlier I needed to have a plan of what to say? well this is me forcing myself to do that even though I don't really want to. really what i'm probably do tomorrow is just play the innocent defensive passive aggressive and just not bring anything up and say as little as possible. just get by and be amicable. really that's all. and then i'll be off to school and I won't have to deal with him for a while.

but anyways. if he asks the whole family thing.

it is just hard for me. really I haven't had to deal with it since I haven't been home. but when I saw him with his new family on Christmas it really just hit me. that it used to be my sisters and I playing blokus with him. but it never will be again. but he can go off and play blokus with his new family while he just leaves my family in pieces. he has his new perfect family while my family is still healing from the cuts he made.

and the fact that he asked what changed from Ireland. a lot has happened. he didn't tell me he is engaged. I got those facebook messages from his girlfriend. which even if he doesn't think they are a big deal and if he thinks i'm over reacting, they still upset me. my feelings matter. and if they upset me then they were not okay.

and I don't know all the details about what happens between him and my sisters but some of the texts I have seen between them are not appropriate for him to be sending. he is the father and I expect him to be completely selfless. being a father is never about you. it is always about the kids. even when they are this age. and obviously he hasn't been doing that because they are talking to him - but the thing is, they are happier not talking to him.

but you can't blame them for not asking how your day was. or for treating you like crap. they are teenage girls, they do that. but you getting frustrated and taking it out on them is not appropriate. I would get calls from maeve hysterically crying after leaving your house. obviously you are not treating them correctly.


okay okay. now let me getting this concise and to the point so I actually have a chance of saying what I want tomorrow.

1. he has a new perfect family that he can play games with while he just left my family a mess -> and I am not ready to just join into his new family

2. my feelings matter. I am still hurt that he didn't tell me  he was engaged.

3. being a father is about always being selfless and never making it about yourself. (examples: "a. they didn't ask me how anna was or if I got her any presents so I didn't tell them I was going to propose. b. you didn't tell me that you were going to be in Hong Kong so it goes both ways with me not telling you I got engaged. c. telling Maura to give her a list of the things she did wrong instead of seeing that she is upset and wondering what he can do to help instead of saying "what did I do? I didn't do anything!")

I think that about sums it up. I mean if I actually say those three points i'm sure he will flip and get all defensive and somehow turn it onto me and make me question everything I think and make it sound like i'm the bad guy. but i'll just try to stick to my guns I guess. we will see what happens. i'm tough.

I watched the entire third season of once upon a time in two days. that's 22 40 minute episodes so 14 and a half hour total so about 7-8 hours a day.

I feel so wrapped up in their story and i'm so mad that regina couldn't get her happy ending if emma had just left her there. of course she was going to mess things up. uggggh. so frustrating. but I guess that's how they keep the show going. omg I just looked up an there are 12 more episodes to watch gaaah.

what else. I have been trying to put my dad out of my mind but I keep thinking about how I probably will have to see him before I go back to school and what I will say to him. and really I just want to avoid it all. I really would love to just run away. but I figure the best thing for me to do will be to write out everything I would want to say here first so maybe i'll actually say some of it. but I don't want to do that now.

I wish I could just stay locked up in this house watching Netflix forever. I can probably get by doing that for a few more days at least. since it is freezing out. my eyes will probably kill me from staring at a screen all day. but I have another 12 episodes to watch.

ahh I guess I will go to sleep now. but I have been a good kid and I contacted Mollie and Dana and i'm going to meet up with them later this week, so that should be interesting. kind of nervous and kind of wish I could just avoid it and not go.

but I have to face life. and soon i'll be back to school too. and I have to have my shit together. until then i'll just hide away in the land of once upon a time where they can fight their battles with magic...

still so mad about regina not getting her happy ending.

okay time for my yearly recap!

let's go look at the blog!

January: tinder and stupid Dylan, started working at MS Cure Fund, purple hair!
February: bye bye stupid Dylan, Paradise Fears concert w/ Sunderland opening, 1st Taylor Mathews house show, met Zach!, started crushing on Hanson
March: got accepted to China!, Hanson, car got towed, interview with Rounder Records
April: problems with our father, got offered the internship with Rounder!, 5k with Ellie
May: being there for my friends, finished sophomore year, MOVED TO NASHVILLE and started my internship
June: tough living in Nashville, feeling alone all the time, passed out at the CMAs while I was there by myself, Ellie came to visit!, turned 20
July: started talking with people in the music industry, went to see The Fray with Zach (after Corey gave me the tickets), Fall Out Boy, family came to visit! "my life is going to change so much over the next few years. i have no idea how or where i will be but i know that i will be happy wherever i end up. because i will be with myself and i love myself and i am happy when i am with me."
August: family here, left Nashville, IRELAND!, left for China...
September: settling into Shanghai, internship at Split Works, class, made friends with Kristen, started babysitting/tutoring, trip to Taiwan!
October: our house was put up for sale, Kristen is awesome, just normal China living
November: Hong Kong trip, became friends with Josh, became friends with Derek, my dad got engaged and didn't tell me, his girlfriend sent me facebook messages that made me upset, dad tries to blame everything on me, Suzhou day trip
December: left Shanghai ):, visited Babson and felt so out of place, extreme reverse culture shock, talking to my dad but my sisters aren't so still trying to figure that out, met his new children, discovered my love for Netflix, interviewed with and got an internship offer from Spotify!

what a crazy year. I went from being focused on a stupid boy I met through tinder, to getting myself an internship in Nashville, to moving to Nashville, to taking a trip to Ireland, to moving to China, and landing myself an internship with Spotify. all while dealing with this father shit, juggling keeping in contact with my old friends and trying to make new ones. and just figuring out who I am.

if this year doesn't show how bad ass I am, while next year definitely will. i'm already trying to plan my year and my goals and all. i'll attach the picture of the page I wrote up earlier.

oh but I decided about studying abroad in Chile. my heart is in studying abroad again. staying at Babson would be the safe choice. but I am scared. and that is not a good reason for not doing it. so I need to start to work up my confidence and my faith in my decision. if I decide. I need to just have a moment where I say, "i'm going to do this" but I feel like that won't come for another month or two. but that's okay, I have a bit of time. and no matter what I do, I will be fabulous.

anyways earlier here are the goals I came up with:
- Focus on being secure & confident in myself and making the right decisions for me
- Kindness & giving (not only to other but also to myself)
- Be honest with myself & others about my thoughts and feelings and sticking to them

Here we go, 2015.

just wanted to document this yucky stuff then I can focus on the good stuff: