hi so last episode of a few hours ago is over. watched some Netflix. feeling fine again. but still is a part of my life so it shall remain there.

i'm about to go to sleep but I just was thinking about something. how I become friends with people I never thought I would. sure I have some typical friends, like roxy and Kristen - like we were just meant to be friends and it was obvious from the start. buuuut let me give you some other examples.

the one I was just thinking of was Joe. freshman year when we first met him I thought he was a creep and I didn't like him. and I didn't want him in my fme group and I was actually disappointed when he was in my fme group.

(side note, I just went through the beginning of freshman year to see if I mentioned fme or joe and no I didn't, but boy was I going through a rough time with my whole dad thing and shit with josh anyways back to the happy subject I was writing about)

but now he is one of my best friends actually. when I went to visit babson I only spent time with three people, Ellie, Joe, and barely even Emma...well I did see Sarah and Colin too. but anyways. yeah it is strange how freshman year I was trying to stay away from him. but I wouldn't have been able to do fme without him and he has been a really good friend. i'm going to miss him while he is in san fran next semester.

and then ellie as well, freshman year we really weren't friends. I thought she was negative and kind of annoying. and I sort of tried to stay away from her and distance myself as well. but now we are twins and inseparable and best friends. so yeah.

Amelie as well. that is different. she was just in one of my classes first semester freshman year and I thought she was cool but I didn't ever talk to her and she was just always cool Amelie. and now we are best friends as well.

and then in shanghai, I would have never guessed I would be friends with Derek. he was on the first weekend trip and he had gone out to a club the night before and had this huge obnoxious temporary tattoo of a radiation sign on his neck. and I was just like....oooohkay. but then he started to hang out with us during the hong kong trip and now I miss having him around and he's another good friend.

so basically molly, you need to stop judging people and give everyone a chance because they could be great friends. i'm exciting to see who else I misjudged and becomes my friend next. let's just hope I don't miss out on any friends because I read them wrong the first time.

but now it is 12:20 in the morning and i'm tired so it is bed time for me. night!

okay so I am going to talk about something I don't usually talk about because it is usually not supposed to be discussed and it is all hush hush.

cause guys are allowed to be horny and girls aren't.

oh wait sorry we just jumped right into it didn't we. okay I haven't kissed anyone in like almost two years. and definitely haven't done anything more. and I miss physical intimacy. like so much to the point where I was reading this girls blog and she has her followers do slutty confessions and I was reading them and they were making me horny so I decided to download tinder and see if I could have some fun but then I realized pretty quickly how stupid that was. and now I am just sitting here feeling stupid and lonely still. just give me a hot male body please.

actually a boyfriend would be nice because then it would be a lot better than just some rando. but either way. just saying it would be nice to you know....

no! not have sex! sorry still not ready. not on birth control. but i'll do everything except for sex.

whoops. sorry not sorry.

hi i'm really tired and I should go to sleep but I just finished watching the movie Almost Famous and I really liked it and now i'm in that happy movie daze after you finish watching a movie.

so Christmas was good. whatever I was complaining about before was over with quickly, I said I was sorry, and it was like it never happened. that's what is great about my family, we will just forget it and move on. but Christmas was nice and we all played nice and appreciated each other and everything. so overall it was a...satisfying? content? Christmas.

other than that I went over to the lake house to see my dad and I finally met his new kids. it was really awkward. and at one point I had to try not to cry because I just took a step back and saw him with this new family all shiny and new for him to have fun with. and I think of my family he just tossed aside who are broken and struggling but who I love so much and who are so amazing and wonderful. but he choose them.

so I only stayed over there for a little bit before I left. I have to make it clear where my allegiances lie. I may be the only sister talking to my dad but that doesn't mean I won't side with them every single time. oh also, for Christmas my dad gave me $100 more. so I guess it pays to suck it up and go see your father even though he won't tell you he is getting married.

but I got it the easiest out of my sisters. I haven't had to deal with the shit they have. you should see some of the texts he sends them, it is horrible and no father should send that to his kids. it's weird though because I am thinking he if talked like that to me...it would be over and I would snap. but yet I haven't done anything even though he has said stuff to my sisters. i mean i found out about that stuff after the fact and it wasn't like there was really anything for me to do. but anyways i don't know.

that's the hardest part about all of this is that i don't know what to do. am i supposed to be going over there? or what i am supposed to say to him? am i supposed to stand up to him and tell him all the wrong he is doing? since I've been home we have acted like all the drama about him not telling me he was getting married didn't happen. and apart from his girlfriend hiding from him when i met him at the office, she has acted like none of those facebook messages happened - which by the way he of course sides with her and didn't think they were bad. wait stop molly we aren't going there again.

okay yeah so anyways now my life is going back and forth between dealing with this shit and pretending it doesn't exist. we are just happen the four of us here though as long as we aren't reminded about any of the following: 1. we have to sell our house and move into a house 3x smaller 2) we have to pay for two college tuitions next year and currently are not getting any financial aid 3) apart from working at the barn, my mom isn't working 4) our dad is an asshole 5) and i am sure there is more but you get the point.

overall though, i am grateful and happy with life right now. it is what it is.

also just a reminder this is not an all inclusive look into my life. it's some highlights, some lowlights, and some just plain lights. so don't take this as my entire life. there is a lot i don't write about and that doesn't mean those parts are any less important than those i do write about. okay?

so you can know how much of a mess I am and how stupid I am.

I was making a grilled cheese and I burnt one side of it so I was just like "ahhh, hate when that happens" and my mom makes one of her faces and then says "well it shouldn't be at medium-high and just take that side off" in one of her tones like looking down on me and like "seriously, molly, you know better than that" and i'm like "no, it's fine" and she is like "no one likes eating a burnt grilled cheese" and I think she could tell that her tone was too harsh because she is trying to bring it back. and i'm trying to say that it's fine, I can handle making a grilled cheese. and she is like no, let me fix it. and then I storm off and say fine you can make it. and she is like, no let me teach you. so then I start silently crying and sit on my laptop while she makes me a grilled cheese.

I know I shouldn't have freaked out but i'm assuming it still has to do with transitioning to living at home. i'm used to living in Nashville where if I burnt my grilled cheese I would either eat or I would make the decision to make a new one. I wouldn't have my mom telling me what i'm doing wrong and taking over. or in china where I would have to go and order my food and if I ordered wrong I was either stuck with that food or I would have to buy something else.

so I reacted poorly and freaked out and that's great and all. but I just want to curl up and go back to sleep now cause now i'm in a bad mood. even though I slept from like 9pm to 10:30am.

oh  yeah happy Christmas eve. and here I am ruining everything. awesome. over a grilled cheese. double awesome.

I am leaving in 10 days. Let me repeat that. I am leaving in 10 days. I don't believe it at all. It seems like I just got here. But then at the same time I'm ready. I'm ready to not have class every morning and to just be able to relax for a bit. I'm ready to see my family. I'm ready to get away. I am ready for fast internet speed. I am ready to drive in my car. I am ready for non-polluted air. I am ready for food other than Chinese food.

I am not ready to leave the inexpensive food. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my friends. I'm not ready to leave the feeling of home I've created here.

People often focus on the "abroad" part of living or studying abroad and forget about the whole "living" part. I have a whole little life I've created here. Life as in 24 hours a day I am here in China living. And the life I have known for the past three and a half months is going to change again whether I am ready or not.

I still need a lot of time to reflect and that isn't really what this blog post is about, really I started this post because I need to write a blog post for a brand deal for this radio website TuneIn who sent me an awesome care package but I don't know how to write it and what to do so I thought writing here would help me a bit but so far no luck.

I know this is the part where I am supposed to reflect and all but that is hard because like I've just been living my life here and I have adjusted. But I started to come up with a list when I was walking here so I guess I will start writing that.

nahh just kidding. I don't want to. I will come back to this later and hopefully figure out that sponsored blog post. (i never came back later and i am just posting this now but it should have been posted on 12/4)

okay quick update.

I miss shanghai. I miss the people. I missed how capable I felt and how comfortable and happy I was there. like it feels so amazing to go navigate the subways of shanghai with your friends and go discover someplace new. I miss that. I miss Kristen, I miss derek. I even miss Nasser and josh some too. but mainly roxy, Kristen, and derek. and mickayla too. and my roommate - who left without even saying bye to me! I came back to my room on Saturday after being out all day and all her stuff was just gone. and when I wechated her she said that it was too much - saying goodbye and all. when I saw all her stuff was gone I almost cried. it was so sad. I miss her so much. she was probably the best roommate I've ever had. I love her!

and I didn't say goodbye to derek. I figured he was out drinking all night, but ended up he stayed in and stayed up all night saying goodbye to everyone - well, everyone but me. he didn't text me and I didn't text him either. after he left he messaged me and he felt bad and all. but now i'll just have to see him again I guess. but it was getting to that point where I was paranoid if he liked me or not. like did I tell you about the night we just walked around talking? hold on, let me check. yes, I did. okay so that night like I didn't think about it at all, I wasn't interested in him and I didn't really think he was interested either - or it didn't cross my mind. so it was fun and relaxing. and then people start saying things and then I start wondering. and then I start thinking...."do I like him?" and then I pay too close attention to what he is saying or doing and what i'm saying and doing. and it drives me crazy. and i'm still doing it even though i'm not in shanghai, like posting snap stories just because I know he will see them and then keep checking to see if he saw it or not. even though I know that it would never work and I know I am not actually that interested, even though I really like him. but he is just a really good friend and I should really stop reading into things. but hey last night i found out a guy liked me i ended up dating him for 2 years - completely different situation. but i still miss him.

in other words, i saw my dad today and basically completely avoided all the messy stuff. when he brought up my sisters i basically said nothing he said he understood that i didn't want to get in the middle of that so then we just continued onward. so we are back to our agreement where we just pretend like nothing is wrong. which is fine. i would rather just be cordial so that way it still seems like i have a father. both maeve and Maura aren't talking to him now. he scared Maura because she said she didn't want to go see him and then he said something and she flipped out and he said something about "I see you are spying on the girls again" or something like that thinking that it was mommy, but Maura thought that he was spying on her. so she was super scared cause she was home alone and it ended up Maura went and stayed at auntie lorrie's one night because maeve and my mom were going to be gone all day. but yeah so things aren't all pretty with that. and i don't know what is going to happen. and then of course right before i left shanghai and i said bye the Roxy she said something about how he is still my father and all...which she is saying because her father died. but it's like do you keep him in your life just because he is your father even though he is toxic and not good for you? i mean i can handle it because i barely ever have to see him and i can suck it up for one lunch every while. but my sisters have to deal with his bullshit and emotional abuse and him only thinking about himself more often. they are happier when they don't have to go over there and see him. but are you saying they should be unhappy and anxious and have their emotions and minds messed with just because he is their father? it's a fine line to walk there and while i know where Roxy was coming from what she said has been haunting me and i feel like it wasn't her place because it is a completely different situation.

whoops i just made the mistake of reading the last facebook message Anna sent me that i haven't been reading because it wasn't worth it and it just made me so mad again. she is focused on him again. not thinking about us at all. all about my dad and how hurt he is. what about the kids he left behind and how messed up and hurt they are? let us just push aside our feelings so our dad can feel better about himself, don't worry Anna, we will just forget about everything he has put our family through so his blood pressure will go down. for reference:

I am really sorry to cause you and your sisters pain. However your father is the one hurt most. I turned off my profile  back a while ago just to avoid any complications.
But I like to keep in touch and share my life with my family in Taiwan.
I will not bother you anymore and will un connect  with you on FB.
My family like you and think highly of you. I sincerely hope the best for in the future.
I knew you didn't  like me and don't want to get in between your dad and your sisters. I don't know how much you know the pain that you girls do to him and I am really worry and scared. His blood pressure and sleeping is getting worse.
Please don't tell him I said this to you as he is trying to keep it
together.
Thank you very much.

but honestly it isn't worth me stressing about and getting upset about. no matter what we do or how much we argue or talk about it, he isn't going to change and he will always twist it to make him look like the good guy and like we are the bad guys. oh also he told Maura about how if she actually saw the messages that Anna sent me she would see that aren't bad and that she shouldn't take information 2nd hand. UM, if the messages make me upset, they make me upset no matter what they say and Maura is standing by me that they make me upset, she doesn't need to see them.

okay okay, i need to stop. i need to focus on the happy things. like Christmas is coming soon. maeve and i bought mommy plane tickets to go to the trivia night in st. Louis to see Zach and his family. i am home even though i miss shanghai so much. and i am with my family. and we will figure it out. and i miss my friends. and for some reason i am crying now. i am just exhausted. i need to go sleep. i am happy but i just wish i could make all this stupid stuff with my dad go away and have everyone be happy and i wish i could just snap my fingers and go back to shanghai and be with my friends and then be able to come back and be with my family too. it's great that i have a home in so many places: here, babson, Nashville, shanghai, but that means i am always away from a home no matter where i am and i miss it.

hi so I came back to babson to visit and it makes me miss shanghai so much. like I feel so out of place and out of the loop. there are all these faces I don't recognize. I don't feel like I can contribute to the conversations. and I don't have anything to say. joe kept asking me to tell a story but I had no idea what to say or where to start. so I told them to ask me questions and ellie asks me "what is the biggest cultural difference" like what?! I don't know how to answer that. and it was just so awkward. like they are talking about cars and their finals and what happened the other day. and i'm just like...ummm...and then we went out to dinner with Ellie and then Sarah L and Colin who I am not even that close with and we went to the local and I wasn't feeling that great and everything on the menu looked unappetizing so I got a flatbread not realizing it was really just a pizza and I didn't like that either. and now I am hiding in ellie's room because I am staying over because I have an interview for an internship at Spotify tomorrow in boston and I hear Sarah complaining about how the grilled cheese she bought was so expense when we could have just gone to Qdoba. sorry I didn't want to go to Qdoba, and I would have went to CPK but you are the one who said to pull into the local. which I didn't enjoy either. and then later Gerber was actually asking me questions but like..."do you feel like the buzzfeed article when you return from abroad? ... like you feel above everyone else and all cultured and stuff" and I was like noooo not at all, I just feel out of the loop, and asked if I missed it and I said I did and ellie said "but not as much as she missed me!" and then Gerber was asking me about the food which was good but then she got sidetracked and was asking me if they had all these weird flavours of stuff since her friend went to japan and they had this this and this. and I don't know, I just feel really awkward and I don't know what to say and it really sucks. I just want to go back. and it sucks just having this huge part of your life but you don't know how to share and communicate it to your friends. and them not knowing what to ask or whatever. and really I am just looking forward to going back home and curling up by myself. at least my family asks me questions and such that were good when we were driving home from the airport.

but I just ranted to Kristen about how it is so hard and blah. I am just going to go to sleep now...