you guys don't even know half of what is going on. crying again.

i just watched What a Girl Wants with Amanda Bynes and while it's a great movie probably not the best choice for me. first of all the main cute guy is a musician so just add on to the fact that i'm lonely and want a musician boyfriend. and I was stupid last night and message jose again on tumblr. and obviously no response. I really need to stop doing that but there is always some hope that he will respond. but with that stunt I don't think i'm going to be asking to be their tour management. which is fine, I need an internship anyways.

but then there was the whole father-daughter thing. and the last scene where the dad tells her he loves her and she says she loves him back made me start crying. so that was fun.

blah. but in other words I also watched The Forger in honor of Josh Hutcherson since he is on SNL tonight and I love him.

umm I really don't have anything to write. I've done nothing today. and it's kind of nice. wish I had someone to do nothing with though. just kidding, take that back. i'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man.

i just watched adventureland and it made me want a boyfriend again. I miss having someone look at you like that. and someone to kiss. and to cuddle with. if I had a boyfriend he could have spent this weekend with me. i'm dog sitting by myself in this lonely house with just the puppy. my boyfriend could have stayed the night and we could have made out and cuddled and watched movies without being worried about someone interrupting us or being bother. gah. I know I shouldn't worry about boys but I am still lonely and wish I could have that physical and mental and emotional connection with someone. but Kozmo the dog is the closest I have to a boyfriend. when I am sitting on the couch a little ways a way from where he is lying he will slowly inch closer and closer until he is lying right next to me. and he always wants to lick my face. and he sleeps right next to me on the bed. that is more physical touch and connection than I have gotten since josh and I broke up, or even when we were still together. what does that say about me? whatever, it is what it is. I am enjoying the alone time with the dog, I never got dressed today, didn't even put a bra on or put my contacts in. went out for several walks like this in my sweats and sweatshirt. and amelie even came over for dinner. i'm awesome.

someone just find me a boyfriend please.

I hate that though, I used to make fun of those people who wanted a boyfriend. now I get it though. i'm sorry if I ever judged you for wanting a boyfriend. I guess this is payback.

too bad Kozmo wasn't a man because then I would be all set. he loves me.

alright now I have to go take care of the pup and then go to sleep. another busy day by myself tomorrow.

hi, it's one am so you're going to get the closet thing you'll ever get to a drunk post. okay maybe you'll get one of those eventually but not now.

this is such a strange world. amazing sometimes. but strange. and you try to figure it out but you really can't. like i'm pretty sure there is a reason why Sydel was put into my life. to give me support and someone who believes in me who is here at babson too. and i hope i am helping her a bit too.

and it's weird who becomes your friends. like today i hung out with mike, roxy, and joe for a while. and roxy and i started talking on facebook and ended up living next to each other and went to china together. and then mike is her boyfriend but he is pretty cool too even if i just know him because of her. and i did not like joe when i first met him. i did not want him in my fme group, when i saw his name i was not happy. but i'm glad that he was in fme and he's my friend. i want to kill him the majority of the time but he isn't a bad guy.

but i really need another guy in my life that i can flirt with because joe is looking more and more like a potential option and i can't do that. like he is nice and a good friend but i can't see myself going out with me. maybe i could but it wouldn't work unless he changed...like stopped with the comments and negativity and yeah...and i can't ask anyone to change for me and i wouldn't expect them to so that isn't going to work.

but it was interesting today when joe had to pick out of 3 other girls and myself as to who he would bring to dinner, after initally trying to pick someone else as a joke, he picked me. and when i seemed happy, they asked if would actually go, and i was like yeah free dinner. then joe was like so molly what are you doing tomorrow night? sort of kidding but he might have been serious. and there were other comments like how he is woking on getting a girlfriend, which is why he was in wgb. then i made a comment about how all the girls that were playing uno with us left. then he gestured to me since i was still there, and i was like yeah no never. but it's kind of nice to think that someone would want to date me. haven't had that since josh, and the fail with adam munska before that. and then i thought maybe adam daniere was interested but that proved not to be true. so i don't know, sometimes you question whether you will ever find someone. i think that i'm not pretty enough, i don't have a personality that anyone would like, i'm too this or not, or not enough something else. but it's nice to think that maybe someone is interested in you, even if you aren't that interested in them. but when they are interested in you, it does make them somewhat more interesting. hey, just saying, but i could do a lot worse than joe.

i might just be saying that because i'm desperate but i don't know.

i guess i'll wait and see how the rest of this year goes or i'll get myself a hot guy from china or spain.

i really should sleep and stop analyzing my love life because i don't have one.

i don't want to sleep, i want to talk more. i have nothing else to talk about without getting depressed and thinking about sucky things. i was going to write yucky there but i wrote sucky instead which is just as accurate.

actually i'll write a list of happy things:
- it was a beautiful day today
- i am warm and cozy in my bed
- i am listening to amazing music by taylor mathews
- i have awesome friends
- i am at an amazing school
- i have the opportunity to travel
- i have traveled
- i love my family even though
- i'm smart
- the internet
- my horse
- this weekend i get to relax at a house by myself with only a puppy
- i have so much promise and potential and the whole future in front of me

that was more things i am grateful for, which is good too because thanksgiving is coming too.

okay i think i'm going to listen to this song and then go to sleep. and then i'm not setting my alarm tomorrow because i've had too many early days in a row. actually it's been 2 weeks that i haven't been able to sleep in and had to get up to an alarm. it's okay, i love it though. i actually like being busy.

sleep, molly, sleep.

i'm back on facebook and twitter for about an hour and i'm already sick of them. i'm scrolling through Taylor and King the Kid and Jose's twitter feeds which is not helping me get any closer to them, i'm seeing that Adam Daniere is on facebook chat and i'm reminded of how he didn't talk to me, i see the message that Josh never responded to. and i see a bunch of stuff on twitter i don't care about. and i see a bunch of pictures on instagram that i don't care about either.

i need to focus on myself and my life and not be worried about other people. like i don't need that in my life. so while i can go on facebook and twitter and insta and all of that, i don't think i'll download the apps quite yet and i'll probably barely go on them anyways. well i'm going to try not to because they are like a drug and i can see that they are bad for me now but i don't want to get sucked in.

i thought i wanted to write a blog but i think i really just want to go to sleep.

but guess what i'm listening to now. Taylor's new album. we were able to hear it early. we have the super secret soundcloud link. and i love it and i can't stop listening to it. and i'm so proud of Taylor. he has come so far. i don't think it really has sunk in yet what this album really means to Taylor and to me and just the whole thing. like to my family too. my mom said she cried when she heard it. ahh. it's crazy what a big part of my life he is now. like it's kind of ridiculous. i don't want to keep thinking about it now though, i'm sure it will really hit me sometime. maybe if i am holding a physical record. or when he comes to our house and all my friends are there. i don't know. but it hasn't really hit yet but i am sure it will.

in other news my one month without social media is up but i don't even know if want to go back. i'm really hesitant. as much as i missed it, i am now getting used to not having it and i like now having it and not worrying about what everyone else is doing. i'm able to focus on me and i think it is a lot better. i might not download the apps and just use it on the computer. or something. i don't know. i guess it's just that i'm not rushing to go back to the social media world. i'm okay without it.

also i'm trying to decide if i want to study abroad for two semesters or just one next year. i know i'm going to go to shanghai for one semester. but then i don't know if i want to go to spain as well. i would go to one in the fall and the other in the spring. but i would be gone for a long time. but it would be an amazing experience. not sure. still thinking about it.

now i want to sleep, i'm tired, and i'm up early tomorrow. okay goodnight.

want to hear my next big idea?!

okay I want to revolutionize the music industry.

i'm reading the book, everything you need to know about the music industry. and it's amazing how little artists get paid. and how much of a struggle it is for them. so they sign onto a record label. they give them an advance and pay for the recording costs. then the record comes out and the artists gets royalties. then the artists first has to pay back the recording company with those royalties for the advance and recording costs. after they are "recouped" then they get to actually pocket some money. but wait out of their own royalties they often have to pay the producer(s) and management. so it seems like everyone else is making money before the artist is. and I don't think that is far at all. I know that is how they do it now but I don't think it has to be that way forever.

just look already, physical sales of CDs are dying. and even digital sales aren't that great - people just illegally download songs, get them off of youtube - or even bigger are online streaming sites, especially Spotify. I can listen to basically any song I want on Spotify for free. and then when I want to listen to music on my phone I use free "radio" apps that play music based on my mood or whatever. I don't buy music. the only reason why I buy music on iTunes or physical copies is because I really want to support the musician. but I'm better off illegally downloading the song and giving the artists my $0.99. They would get more money that way.

which is messed up, I think. I understand that everyone who helps the artist make the music and get the word out should get paid, but not at the expense of the artist. it's like you can only make money if you are super successful or find a really profitable niche market. but that is if you sign onto a huge record label and they make a record and it gets spread around either by radio or more likely social media.

okay so what do I want to do? I want to change this. I have a few ideas. one of those being to give away the music. literally give it away online for free to everyone and anyone. I mean, everyone gets it free anyways. but what we sell and how we make money is "the experience." like VIP sort of stuff. go on tour and having a VIP option. but even more than that. why not have a whole two day experience? come and hang out with the artist for a day. see where they record the music, record a song yourself, a huge dinner party, then an exclusive show afterwards. the next day go to Disneyland, or have a music lesson, or something else. it's not enough to just sell the music anymore, you have to sell the person. sell exclusivity. sell a membership where you get a new exclusive package with a video and merch every month. oooh, I like that idea. every month or two you get a package with a personal video of the artist just talking to you and also with a performance. in addition to that you get a t-shirt one month or a bracelet, or maybe even a sweatshirt sometimes. and then have a discount code or another exclusive offer for them to spend more money. do you realize how much someone would pay for this? especially those crazy fangirls who have a ton a money.

and when it came to figuring out costs and who gets the profits. that would be more complex. but maybe the most basic idea is that the artist and I split it 50-50. I would cover all the expensives up front, then when the profits start coming in, the artists will get 50% but would pay me back 50% of the expenses before taking his or her share. of course it would vary and be different for every situation, but that is sort of what i'm looking at instead of 15% royalty or whatever.

so how am I going to do this? i'm going to intern at a huge music company to see how they do it. and i'm going to see how I can work in that system and how I can completely disrupt it and change it. and i'm going to try to tour with a band and see how the whole touring life works. and i'm going to just learn all I can now so I can mess up the whole music industry.

sounds good.

oh by the way I have a revelation the other day about the quote "You can have everything you want in life if you will just help enough other people get what they want." It has nothing to do with being a good selfless person. well I guess it could. but the point is that if you want to sell anything and make money, then give people what they want. they will pay for what they want. so if you give them what they want then they will pay you for it and you will be able to get everything you want. and it's funny because people take it out of context and make it sound all profound. but really it's a marketing concept. and even after finding that out, I still love the idea and it will lead me in my future and such. okay yeah I have things to do now.

but just wait i'm going to do big things. hopefully. how many times in this have I had big ideas that I said I was going to do but never did? well I did say I was going to meet Taylor Mathews and did. said I was going to go to college, and here I am. and travel to China and I did that twice. and this blog is pretty cool when you think about it. I have my entire first relationship documented. I have my search for college and my first years at college. I have my high school career. I have the divorce and still going through that. I have my search for horses. I have friend drama. I have everything here. and that's amazing really.

so I really haven't been telling you what has been going on.

okay first two weekends ago I think it was when I came home, daddy was filming a commercial for yankee home and that's when I first met his girlfriend. I had to go to the office to bring the dog there or whatever and then she came and I met her there and it was kind of awkward but it was whatever. she was nice and all. but it was strange meeting her for the first time without daddy or my sisters there and yeah I don't know. but when I was driving home I just broke home and started crying. just the whole thing hasn't really sunk in I guess and i'm not okay with it. just that he has a girlfriend and our parents are still together.

I know it's been a year but really that is no time at all compared to the 18 years before when they were together. I had no idea this was going on before I got that horrible phone call. and then there was that horrible thanksgiving break last year and Christmas break was horrible too with of that. then I was at school. then over the summer I was working at camp and then it was just like go to the lake or go home and there was no girlfriend. and it was very separate and you didn't really have to deal with the fact that they weren't together. it was just you saw mommy at home and you saw daddy at the lake. and while it was still hard and some parts were a lot harder than others, we dealt with it mostly by not thinking about it.

but then this whole girlfriend thing happened so quickly. like he told Maeve and Maura about it only a few weeks before they met her. they met her the day before I did apparently and they never told me which also made me upset. but then apparently she is always around now. like they went zip lining with her and her daughter and son - which I also was never told about. and apparently she is at the lake a lot.

but anyways let me continue my story. so the day after the filming I went over to the lake to see daddy and he didn't tell me that she was going to be there and she was. it was fine though. we just talked for a bit then I went back to school.

then I didn't really hear about anything until one day when Maeve randomly texted me initially just saying that she loved me and missed me. then later how she was so stressed out and having a hard time. she didn't tell me anything then. but then a few days later she texts me saying "I need you" and when I finally got her on the phone she was just balling and crying. and how she feels like no one cares. how Maura is distant and mommy is still upset sometimes and how Maeve gets stuck in the middle of mommy and daddy, like when daddy didn't pick Maura up or something. and how now the girlfriend is always around. and even when she isn't she feels like her dad isn't there and he is on the phone or whatever. and then when maeve asked if she could go to the barn or something, he gave her a hard time, and about how it is so expensive and he told her how he doesn't have any money in his bank account. and him and his girlfriend are always talking about how her daughter is awesome and everything.

and there are a few problems with this. daddy and mommy and still married. so daddy shouldn't be having his girlfriend everywhere. like okay we met her, but now she doesn't have to be everywhere. we aren't ready for that. especially when it is still hard for all of us to deal with. and he shouldn't be telling maeve about how he doesn't have any money because she shouldn't have to worry about that and he shouldn't put that on her. and he doesn't need to be talking about how awesome his girlfriend's daughter is when he doesn't even pay attention to his own daughters. and he shouldn't be giving maeve a hard time about riding when that it the one thing that makes her happy.

but it was horrible hearing maeve crying on the phone and I was crying and it was awful. and that was the day before her birthday. so that is why I decided to surprise her. and she told me that earlier that morning on her birthday apparently for English class they had one-on-one talks with their teacher out in the hallway. and when her teacher asked her how she was doing, maeve was like ehh not great, and her teacher said something nice, and maeve just started crying. like here is this 17 year old girl on her birthday crying because of this whole stupid family thing.

so I am glad I came for her birthday. and then that also made me decide to come home.

daddy had gotten me tickets to see Kate Nash for my birthday (before the girlfriend existed to us). so that was on Friday. and of course the girlfriend came too. so maeve, Maura, daddy, and the girlfriend drove up and got me. and we got dinner at Minados. which daddy had brought me to at the beginning of last year. and it was okay. the conversation was really the girlfriend talking for most of it. and I did not like seeing her feed him and talking about how he needs to try new things. and acting like that you know. not like they were lovely dovey but just acting like a couple I guess. but dinner was fine whatever. the concert wasn't that great. we didn't even end up standing next to them which was whatever, probably for the better. then we drove home and I couldn't fall asleep whatever. but then daddy got tired and I don't know if he said something or whatever. and maeve was really concerned and was like "do you want one of us to drive?" and the girlfriend was like yeah we could drive or whatever she said and daddy was like no, so she was like it's okay i'll keep him awake. so she was talking to him and he wasn't really responding so it was a one way conversation of just hearing her talking. and then he almost hit a car and probably would have if maeve hadn't said anything. but he still wouldn't let anyone else drive. and I don't know what it was - listening to her talk. and just daddy being like on his best behavior or not acting like himself, and the whole situation, I just started crying. and maeve realized it and she gave me her headphones and phone to listen to music so I didn't have to listen to her. thank god. and we had been holding hands the whole ride but she held my hand again. and I was just crying and crying. silently of course so I don't think anyone else heard. but I was just horrible. like I am about to cry again now writing about it.

I mean she is a good person and all but I just can't handle it. i'm not ready. I had too much. I was exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how maeve and Maura do it. oh right, maeve breaks down in school, Maura distances herself and focuses on her friends. it's just so bad. and I don't think daddy even sees how hurt we are. he is so selfish, he wants his girlfriend to be there for everything now that we met her and doesn't see that we would rather just spend time with him.

and oh I forgot to mention how at minados there was the waiter we had last time that apparently my dad knew from coming before and made me take a picture with him. this was at the beginning of the last school year before the whole separation/divorce thing. but I found out yesterday that he took that picture and sent it to his now-girlfriend. like what the hell. he was still with my mom. but apparently him and his girlfriend knew each other for more than a year before the break-up happened. and he told us how nothing was going on and he "cheated" in my mom's eyes but never really did anything. and how stuff happened before maybe but not now. BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE HE WAS TAKING FUCKING PICTURES OF ME TO SEND TO THIS WOMAN WHO WAS NOT MY MOM AND NOW I'M CRYING AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

tomorrow i'm going to go back to school and i'm going to forget about it until Maeve sends me a text about what is going on or until i'm back for thanksgiving and apparently he has us for thanksgiving and i'm sure she is going to be there. and I don't know if I can do that. I just want to be with mommy at my house for thanksgiving. because i'm not thankful for this situation that made my sisters and me so hurt and upset.

I just need to go to sleep. and cry some more.

i'm exhausted.

i went to class from 8 to 12:15. then I met with my professor. then I drove home 2 hours to surprise Maeve for her birthday. I decided last night to go home because Maeve texted me saying "I need you" then she called me crying. so I needed to be home.

but then I stayed home for 4 hours. then drove back 2 hours. dog-sat the puppy. then came back and did some homework, watched some videos, now I need to sleep.

i'll tell more about my life later and all. but now sleep.

hi. I don't know what i'm doing. with life. with anything. like this is so weird.

I spent over 4 hours watching tv on my laptop today. I also cooked dinner. and applied for internships.

it's so strange. i'm like in 6 months I could be getting ready to go to an internship in LA, or in Boston, or I will be going back home. I have no idea. all I can do it wait though and find out.

and then I have to figure out my whole schedule and when and where i'm studying abroad and what internships to apply to and I have to decide how to spend my time and what to do.

and like i'm just exhausted. i'm so tired. and I haven't even done anything. i'm 19 yet i'm so young. I have barely even done anything. yet I've been preparing I guess.

I want to revolutionize the music industry. I want to have some big old record company that does it completely different. okay so not old...some big new record company. just change how they do it. I've been reading this book called All You Need to Know About the Music Business and it baffles my mind about how little artists get. record labels are only looking out for themselves. like isn't there a way to do the whole music thing that is fair for everyone involved? without negotiating and arguing over huge contracts and such? I don't know. I hope so. I hope I can come up with some sort of business where I help artists make a living making music and sharing that music.

until then i'm going to go to class and do the whole college thing. and learn what I can about the current music industry. and try to get an internship. and try to figure out life.

tomorrow i'm going to a babson-asia conference thing. we will see how that goes. okay now I really need to sleep, i'm up early tomorrow and I need as much sleep as I can get.