okay so i'm too tired to do homework but i need to do something until 11 when we have our foam party. what up. partying like a college kid. not really. i just finished doing spanish homework while listening to the recorded live chat Alex Aiono did. whoop, fangirl.

ummm, like i don't know. i feel like we almost pour too much into these musicians. like they are just people. we put so much of our faith, love, time, and devotion into them and we don't even really know them, do we? like we think we know them. we read all their tweets. watch all their videos. we talk about them nonstop. but do we really know? have we spent hours with them just talking? nope. okay well we have spent more time with Taylor but we still don't really know him. so really we spent all this time saying how wonderful these people are but we don't really know them. kind of strange. do we just project ourselves onto them? like we just make them everything we want them to be. that's why they are so perfect. that is how come everyone loves them. okay well to a point of course. but that has to be part of it, right?

maybe we aren't satisfied with the lives that we have so we look for some way to help better our lives. by looking to these musicians who seem amazing, like they have an awesome life. they help us escape and imagine a better life for ourselves.

maybe that's part of the reason why i haven't been on twitter for the past week and a half. to try to get more into the now of this life. of course i still go on facebook, twitter, tumblr, vine, and snapchat. but i have to slowly wean myself off. facebook will probably be the next to go. i am supposed to be back on twitter on tuesday, i'm not sure if i want to return or not. it's kind of nice not having to be up to date and worrying about all of that stuff.

i don't know. it's all hard. like we want those musicians that we are fans of to make us feel special, right? like when they retweet you or respond to something. it's amazing, like you feel so special. then you see that he responds to everyone all the time, then not so special. you still appreciate it, but you don't feel special. then he says that we should go get lunch in Boston, you feel special. he says again that we need to get lunch in boston, you feel even more special. then another day he says anyone who is in boston...you are no longer special as now he is including everyone. or like he comes and sleeps over your house and you feel so special. then he never tweets you and you feel not special. then he lets you hang out after the show and have dinner, you feel special again. or you are going to get your VIP photo and they rush you along and you don't get to talk to them and they never wear your bracelets, not special.

it's a vicious cycle depending on people like that. depending on them to feel special. but it's hard to do it by yourself. everyone says believe in yourself, be yourself, and all that jazz. it's freaking hard. because you want people to like you. and whether you say you are or not, you are consistently seeking verification that you are doing something right. you wear clothes to make you look good, you try to say the right thing, you over think everything.

now i'm over thinking everything. i don't know. i'm becoming better at being independent. but it's so hard. and i don't know what i'm doing. struggles on struggles.

um what is something more happy and uplifting. that does not relate to Taylor Mathews, Alex Aiono, Sunderland, Hollywood Ending, or R5. uhh i went shopping today....to get clothes for the concert. i went with friends! i have friends! i am going to a foam party...already said that. i have so much work to do these next two days...because i'm skipping class to go to the concert. OH I KNOW. i have an interview a week from tomorrow to be a camp counselor. i'm excited. i also have a music marketing internship interview that will be coming up soon, i have to schedule that as well.

i'm going to china in less than two months. whatup.

but like i really want to be a successful entrepreneur. like i want to be a big name. i know i say that now and someday i'll probably be content with my small family and small business. but will i? or will i always want more? i want people to look at me and know i'm special, because i made sure everyone could see that. i don't want to depend on other people to make me feel special.

i'm freaking destined for greatness.

and even if i'm not, i'm gonna fake it til i make it.

now i am going to go watch clips from high school musical because i'm not great yet, and even the great love to reflect on the past and watch clips for the HSM because they are still quality. at least i hope they are, i haven't watched them in a long time (i saw a gif on tumblr that's why i need to watch them now).