awww listen to this. Lou texted Mommy this about Maeve and Alex. something about how she didn't want Maeve to get her expectations up/not get hurt or something and she thought Finn Roberts (the guy who worked with meg on that web series) would be better for her.

so cute and nice of Lou! Maeve just said that "I'm like Lou....Did you actually think that I thought me and Alex could date?? I'm just enjoying it while he's here. I just thought it was funny that she was looking out for me" Lou is like our second mother! Ahh, I would love to go and take a vacation in Cali and stay with her!

but she is right, maybe I should stop pushing the whole Maeve and Alex thingy...do I regret sending the facebook message (he was active 3 minutes and still nothing, not even a read)? nooo, like Maeve said - let's try to enjoy him while he is here!

but ummm Lou, can you try to set me up with some of your Cali guys too?!

Let us have done with vain regrets and longings for the days that never will be ours again. Our work lies in front, not behind us; and "Forward!" is our motto. – Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

come onnn, Alex! i sent him a message asking about music bombing and all and he hasn't responded yet he was just on facebook accepting a bunch of friend requests. it says he hasn't seen it yet, but he could do the whole "didn't read it" thing that i do all the time so facebook says that i didn't read it when i actually did.

ughh if he would just read it and respond that would be awesome.

also if these two next days would be done that would be awesome too. like i'm so overwhelmed. this spanish presentation is going to suck tomorrow. i am just going to be reading it word for word, exactly what we are not supposed to do. and i haven't even looked at my rhetoric speech yet, which is on tuesday. so that will be fun tomorrow memorizing that. what else? at least my AHF and OB papers are basically done, i just want to give them one more read through. oh i also have a ton of work to do on my ten page research inquiry which is also due on tuesday. plus i have a sore throat and a cough. but i went to CVS and loaded up on the drugs. by drugs i mean i got tylenol, airborne, and cough drops. my drugs.

yay. now i think i'll practice spanish one more time then go to sleep. and hopefully alex will have responded in the morning. #hopefulthinking

wow i miss twitter, i'm using hashtags.

okay so i'm too tired to do homework but i need to do something until 11 when we have our foam party. what up. partying like a college kid. not really. i just finished doing spanish homework while listening to the recorded live chat Alex Aiono did. whoop, fangirl.

ummm, like i don't know. i feel like we almost pour too much into these musicians. like they are just people. we put so much of our faith, love, time, and devotion into them and we don't even really know them, do we? like we think we know them. we read all their tweets. watch all their videos. we talk about them nonstop. but do we really know? have we spent hours with them just talking? nope. okay well we have spent more time with Taylor but we still don't really know him. so really we spent all this time saying how wonderful these people are but we don't really know them. kind of strange. do we just project ourselves onto them? like we just make them everything we want them to be. that's why they are so perfect. that is how come everyone loves them. okay well to a point of course. but that has to be part of it, right?

maybe we aren't satisfied with the lives that we have so we look for some way to help better our lives. by looking to these musicians who seem amazing, like they have an awesome life. they help us escape and imagine a better life for ourselves.

maybe that's part of the reason why i haven't been on twitter for the past week and a half. to try to get more into the now of this life. of course i still go on facebook, twitter, tumblr, vine, and snapchat. but i have to slowly wean myself off. facebook will probably be the next to go. i am supposed to be back on twitter on tuesday, i'm not sure if i want to return or not. it's kind of nice not having to be up to date and worrying about all of that stuff.

i don't know. it's all hard. like we want those musicians that we are fans of to make us feel special, right? like when they retweet you or respond to something. it's amazing, like you feel so special. then you see that he responds to everyone all the time, then not so special. you still appreciate it, but you don't feel special. then he says that we should go get lunch in Boston, you feel special. he says again that we need to get lunch in boston, you feel even more special. then another day he says anyone who is in boston...you are no longer special as now he is including everyone. or like he comes and sleeps over your house and you feel so special. then he never tweets you and you feel not special. then he lets you hang out after the show and have dinner, you feel special again. or you are going to get your VIP photo and they rush you along and you don't get to talk to them and they never wear your bracelets, not special.

it's a vicious cycle depending on people like that. depending on them to feel special. but it's hard to do it by yourself. everyone says believe in yourself, be yourself, and all that jazz. it's freaking hard. because you want people to like you. and whether you say you are or not, you are consistently seeking verification that you are doing something right. you wear clothes to make you look good, you try to say the right thing, you over think everything.

now i'm over thinking everything. i don't know. i'm becoming better at being independent. but it's so hard. and i don't know what i'm doing. struggles on struggles.

um what is something more happy and uplifting. that does not relate to Taylor Mathews, Alex Aiono, Sunderland, Hollywood Ending, or R5. uhh i went shopping today....to get clothes for the concert. i went with friends! i have friends! i am going to a foam party...already said that. i have so much work to do these next two days...because i'm skipping class to go to the concert. OH I KNOW. i have an interview a week from tomorrow to be a camp counselor. i'm excited. i also have a music marketing internship interview that will be coming up soon, i have to schedule that as well.

i'm going to china in less than two months. whatup.

but like i really want to be a successful entrepreneur. like i want to be a big name. i know i say that now and someday i'll probably be content with my small family and small business. but will i? or will i always want more? i want people to look at me and know i'm special, because i made sure everyone could see that. i don't want to depend on other people to make me feel special.

i'm freaking destined for greatness.

and even if i'm not, i'm gonna fake it til i make it.

now i am going to go watch clips from high school musical because i'm not great yet, and even the great love to reflect on the past and watch clips for the HSM because they are still quality. at least i hope they are, i haven't watched them in a long time (i saw a gif on tumblr that's why i need to watch them now).

i just have to watch or listen to Taylor sing and I fall in love with him all over again. fuck.

then i remember how awkward i am around him and how he doesn't like me at all and gets along better with my sisters than with me. double fuck.

i talked to Abby for the first time since i awkwardly ran into her at Mt. Toms after the whole moms on facebook incident. so its the first time i've talked to her since josh and i broke up. i'm sure she knows. but i just wanted to make sure she was okay because her school had a bomb threat and everyone had to evacuate. which i know has to be scary. it was scary here with the bomber 10 miles away and in Boston and all. but she is okay.

anyways i'm still being a loner in my room. i think i'll go to sleep soon. i need to make more friends. next year, yeah dude?

umm maybe i'll watch some Taylor Mathews and Alex Aiono and then go to sleep. because you know how i feel about them. yeah yeah sounds like a good plan.

why does Axel have to have such a cute girlfriend who is so much like me on the show The Middle. makes me miss having a boyfriend. like the last few days it seems like everything is reminding me what i had when i had a boyfriend...which i don't have now. whatever. i'll be okay.

by the way Alex Aiono is the cutest, sweetest, bestest ever. he gave Maeve a shoutout on the live chat and all. and basically i'm going to make sure they end up together. Maeve can go to college in California then they won't have to do the long distance thing. and they can have their drama and problems and break up for a little bit but they will always end up back together because they will realize they can't live without each other. and awww, it will be awesome.

anyways i'm in my room by myself on a thursday night watching hulu. what up, i'm cool.

okay so i went out to ONE tower last night with Lily, Vivian, Roxy, and Leandra. and i had a lot of fun. we were just dancing in a sweaty crowd of people. and i pushed around but i don't know why but it was fun. and i got asked twice by two different guys to dance with. i should have said yes to the first guy since he was a freshman as well and was pretty cute. but i thrown off guard and was mentally unprepared. the second guy wasn't as cute so that was an easy. but whatever. live and learn right? it was fun though, going out tomorrow night. party hard. which means pretend like you are drunk so you have more fun. but i really just wanted to write that out because it keeps bothering me that i should have said yes. i should have just danced and had fun. but you know being as twice gives me hope that i am actually attractive and i will find another boyfriend some day you know. anyways. back to work.

i guess i owe some explanations to you.

so josh and i talked after our week long break and i made him go first and he was the one who said he thought it wasn't going to work. and i was like, i agree. so that is how we broke up. we talked for a bit about stuff and about how he was annoyed with his mom too. and yeah it really wasn't a bad break up. it was mutual and we ended on a good note.

it's kind of strange though. while i haven't cried or really been upset it's a strange transition period. it's like mentally i still think i'm with him. it's hard to think of myself as single sometimes. i don't know. it has only been a few days. but that's that. and it's okay.

ummm other than that what else has been going on. FME has been stressful trying to put together this final presentation. this has been like the hardest part of the class. mainly because everyone is burnt out and we are having trouble bring it all together. but once that is done then i have 3 essays all due the same day, along with a speech that day, and a speech the day before. and that day where i have 3 essays due and a speech? same day as the Taylor Mathews, Alex Aiono concert. WOOO LIFE.

but no, really things are good. just dealing with people and classes and homework. i'm working on being better friends with people. like Emma and Hanishka. and Isaac, but i never know with him if he is actually interested in being my friend or what. but he will be here for summer session, and so with Hanishka!

woo summer session learning about China, whatup. after that though i really hope that i'll be a camp counselor. i applied to two different camps, but i haven't heard back from either. but hopefully i'll be getting a music marketing intership thingy from a musician who went to babson. so we will see how that goes, i'm supposed to have an interview with him after finals when i'm home.

umm what else. i almost dont want the concerts to come because once they are done i don't know the next time i'll see Taylor and Alex. like at least now i have a date when i'm going to see them...afterwards it's like i have no idea when if ever. well i will again. i'm going to make sure they get famous. like i reallly want them to be successful. i want to create a business where i help artists like them make a living and get famous. maybe. or i'll do the whole social entrepreneurship thing. or i'll do both.

but what am i going to do before i start my own business? i'm going to need to get a job and do something...ahh i have no idea. but i'm sure things will be much different then and i will be much different.

it's exciting to think about what's ahead...i have no idea, that's the exciting part! and hopefully i'll try to keep up with this more or less. like i have my whole relationship with josh in this blog. which is kind of cool. even if it isn't really the whole relationship because i don't put everything in here.

but now i have to decide if i'm going to go out with Lily or just go to sleep...i was up late last night watching a movie with Hanishka, but i barely ever go out. do i really want to go out though? blah. i don't know. i have like an hour to decide. i think i'll put some laundry away and then maybe watch a video...

btw, josh and i broke up today.

tyler wilson is just really attractive okay.

i just wish he was older than me. okay i'm only older than him by a few months but still. but seriously like he is really good looking.

another reason to look forward to albany and boston shows. just two stressful weeks to go.

"There are talkers enough among us; I'll be one of the doers." – Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

and OMG look what Josh's mom just posted on facebook: "Hold on to what is near and dear to your heart. Think about it the next time you tell someone that you don't have time for them or that you just have soooo much to do.....only to be seen all over FB having fun, going to concerts, over and over and, might I say, not with that very person who you should be holding near and dear to your heart."

doesn't she have a life? doesn't she have something to do where she doesn't have to be worrying about her son's relationship and what her son's girlfriend is doing? yep, your son who came to his girlfriend's grandmother's wake...oh wait he didn't. but now she is has been unfriended. and she basically just reassured me that it is time to break up with Josh. so Sharon if you read this is the future, while us breaking up was going to happen anyways, you just made sure it will happen.

okay should i start with the bad stuff?

well the divorce between my mom and dad is very messy and not good at all. my dad said that they are going to have to spend a lot of money on lawyers. not exactly what you want to hear. and then i was talking to my mom about josh last night. guess why it came up? because she said that josh's mom posted a status about how she was glad her son wasn't jealous because so many pictures. umm, excuse me my mom posted two pictures, one with Taylor and one with Alex. and you shouldn't worry because they are super rockstars...actually she should worry because they are super hot and they know who we are and we hung out with Taylor after the show and i went to get dinner with him and we have a lunch date with Alex in Boston. so what up. i've seen them more than i've seen your son lately. oo, was that mean? whatever. like honestly stay out of your son's relationship. i guess she could have been talking about one of her other sons but...probs not. but anyways back to the whole parents getting divorced thing. yeah we were talking about that my mom was like was you aren't gonna marry your first boyfriend, and how i sort of have moved on. she basically told me to break up with him in that motherly kind of way. but then she was like "don't get married when you are 21...or 22" hinting at the whole marriage with my dad thing that is about to be a divorced. yeah...got that. but blahh. i hate all the divorce stuff, it is so yucky and i hate it.

what else is bad? oh right when my dad came up for Easter i found out that he just got cancer removed from his back! not only are my mom and dad getting a divorce but my dad has cancer! okay well he said it was all removed and he is fine now, but he only told me after it happened. so who knows if he actually does have some now. and also the only reason why he told me was because he needed help changing his bandage because it is right in the middle of his back and he can't reach it...

like honestly i don't know what to think about everything. and throw on top of all the parents stuff the fact that i am probably going to break up with josh the next time we talk. we are on a "break" now which means no talking. i think about him occasionally, more like in a panic like "crap, i haven't texted josh" then i realized i don't have to. so i think breaking up with him will be a relief...until i go through the phase where i miss him, but i'll get over that and i'll be fine! then i'll be available to Taylor.

yeah i don't think Taylor and I will ever actually get together. because i am too awkward and quiet and whatever. he is outgoing and confident. really i just need to grow up some. because even though he is only three years older than me, almost two, he seems so much older. like when i went out to dinner with him, Zuri, and their friend Jennifer it was so awkward. well i think it would have been better if Jennifer wasn't there because she was sort of taking all of Taylor's attention. I can't blame her though! she just moved to NYC so she doesn't seem them anymore so she must have wanted to make sure she got her time in...i don't know. i can think about what i would do differently...talk more, be more outgoing. but what happened, happened. so next time i will make sure i talk a bunch and try to be more outgoing. i'll try. working on it. college is helping. i'm growing up! well i would like to think so but i think i still look kind of young. though Hollywood Ending might have been checking us out...yeah yeahh.

okay i need to get some food then i can tell you some more!

okay i got food but i have to finish this application for Camp Norwhich then we are going to the barn. talk later...or i'll write more later.

So Abby knows now that I got rid of her as a reader on this blog - I know that because she removed me as a reader of her blog. Probably already has a nice post complaining about me.

It kind of hurts. But I guess it must have hurt her when I did it too.

I have so much to talk about. Like Alex Aiono. Taylor Mathews. most likely going to break up with my boyfriend.

I think what is more painful that Abby blocked me from her blog is the fact that once I break up with Josh then I will really have no connection to my friends or life in high school. I will be the one who "changed" and who didn't keep in touch.

No, I'm just the one who grew up.

Haaa that is kind of funny since it doesn't feel like I grew up, but I guess I did. I don't know. I guess I have changed. But in a good way. Like I feel so much more confident now and just sure of myself. Not completely, I am still working on that. Like last night at dinner was a true sign that I still have a long ways to go. But I do know that I have come a long ways.

Anyways I will write again soon about everything that has happen. Let's just say...nahh I won't say anything.