i'm tired. really tired. i don't feel good. i can't go to sleep. i have homework. darn it. maybe i'll go to sleep anyways. i haven't taken a nap in so long. i think i am. i'm not going to get anything done like this. where is my ipod?

and his name is supposedly Daniel McCarthy but his picture doesn't look much like he does in person. oh well. whatever. but in case this blog does become famous he will know. Dan: when you are feeling like crap, like no one likes you, and you are worth nothing, just think back to when you were a senior and for ten days a little sophomore girl thought about you more than once a day and if you are feeling really bad then you can look me up and give me a call, maybe then i won't have a fear of telephones, although i am getting over that.

now i'm going to sleep. nighty night. or eveningy evening afternoonishhh.

edit: my nap didn't go too well so now im exhausted and i don't have anytime to study for spanish so i'll just wing it tomorrow on the test.

and hey there again Dan. i finally creeped on you on facebook, why didn't i do it sooner? well i did when i thought your name was Nick. i wonder if that day was the same person or not? anyways. Dan, keep your hair long please and thank you.

i'm not a museum person. maybe i'm just not a people person. i'm exhausted.

seriously the best part of the museum was when some preteen kids walked by and one of them had the guts to say "hey" in a casual way so if no one responded he wouldn't look weird. so i said "hey" back then walked away. then i don't know if it is the same one or not but someone say "hey" then Jordan said "heyy" back then we were walking out the door and another kid was like "hey this is my friend Ryan" so I said "hi Ryan" and then he said "what's your name" and thank goodness gracias Aspen was there because then she said "how old are you?" and they said "old enough." how do they think of that off the top of their heads? then we left but as we were leaving i said "bye Ryan" even though I couldn't tell which one of them is Ryan. then we were talking about it later Aspen said she was old enough to babysit them, too bad she didn't say that then. but that was the highlight of the whole freaking day.

i'm exhausted. i should be sleeping. but i need to finish drinking this glass of water because i am most likely dehydrated.

it's crazy. we past by these people everyday and we don't know anything about them. most of those people i saw in the museum i will never see again. i will never see Ryan again. i don't even know what school he goes to. i don't know anything about them. and the hundred other people i passed by today, i know nothing about them. how am i supposed to know if you would get along with them or not? what if the person who could be your best friend just walked by and you had no freaking idea. yet i wouldn't have the guts to talk to them and they most likely wouldn't bother with me. why would they? i'm just a girl on a field trip with her school. that's what gets me the most. and that is what i like the most. people watching. i like airports for that too, all those people going different places for different reasons for different lives that i will never know. does that drive you crazy as much as it drives me crazy? do you see a face of a model in a brochure and think about her life? do you wonder about the cashier's family? do you wonder if the bus driver has a dog at home? or what about a cat? that drives me freaking nuts. and what about our class? here we are on a class trip together. i look at all the kids and i can tell you their name but not much more that at, if anything. i don't know anything about them. we are freaking strangers yet we go to the same school. we pass each other in the museum and we don't say anything to each other, maybe exchange a glance.

ohhh. other highlight of the trip. we were walking down this hallway like thing, and as we turn down at the other end is a gaggle of guys from our school. some of them are supporting this nice black goggles with white feathers or something on them. and the second they see us i see Adam turn around and say something like "i can't do this" in which someone replies something like "just ignore them" and they start to walk faster so they can walk by us and while they do someone says "nothing to see here" and while the others were consulting their map (hate that map) they walk by and i said "i like your glasses" and i think someone says "thanks" while they walk by and Adam says "they are only 2(something, something)" and they walk away then quickly turn around and walk back down the stairs. moments like that. ohoohohhh maybe i can mention the glasses/goggles to Adam tomorrow. chyeah. or not. gah. here i am complaining about not knowing people but i don't do anything about it so i'm in no place.

so i had more to talk about but my fingers are moving faster than my brain can think and my glass of water is almost empty so i'm going to take a shower, go to bed, then go to school tomorrow. geez.

sigh.

Abby I think I will direct this blog towards you since you have become part of this.

Yessssss I regret not going over there. Yes I am frustrated at myself. But not a ton because it is expected. The normal. So there you go. Eventually I will forget all about this guy by for the last...let me go check when i first mentioned him...Friday May 14th. about 10 days ago. only 10 days ago. so ten days from now i'll probably forget about him. I've missed my chance, that is if he is a senior. he is going to do all his lovely senior activities next week then leave HRHS forever while the poor little sophomore who first saw him 10 days ago will be left behind without even a name. Why is that? because i'm a coward, and afraid, and do not like to step out of my comfort zone. butttttt on the off chance he is a junior (gasp!) then that would be fabulous because then i will see him walking by me around third period on thursday or friday and then i would say something to him. that's the plan at least. so for the rest of this week i will be keeping my eyes open for him, and now at lunch since he has 1st lunch and i now know where he sits. but i will play it down and make it seem like i don't really care, even though i do. like how i wanted abby to go over there, have someone else do it for me then i would still get what i wanted without having to do it myself. i'm kind of glad that abby didn't because another life lesson for me, but i really really wish she did. (i guess i'm not addressing this to you anymore?) so this is pretty much all i am going to talk about him. and too bad i don't have a name because when this blog becomes famous he won't even know that i am talking about him. sucks. maybe jayna will remember his name and i can include it later. jayna said he isn't new but i didn't see him in my yearbook and i sort of left my yearbook at school so i can't look now or tomorrow which sucks. maybe someone will bring one on the bus and abby and i can steal it. abby is sitting with me on the way down but she is going to sit with Colin on the way back, so then i won't have anyone to sit with. sucks. anyways. this is just an extremely long paragraph. so here's this if i don't mention him anymore that means he is a senior and i will never see him again in my life, unless this blog does become famous and i am somehow able to contact him but that is unlikely, but if he is a junior and i will see him again then there will most likely be another blog dedicated to him. or i will just post his name or whatever. or whatever. he is pretty cute though, don't you agree Abby?

now i have to go babysit and continue on my with life because in 10 days i will have forgotten all about him. pooy. and the time is 3.14 which is pi.

The quotation of the day is pretty appropriate:

"All good conversation, manners, and action come from a spontaneity which forgets usages and makes the moment great." – Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Perfect Stranger.

"there's no such thing as a perfect stranger..."

so you know my mystery guy right? the last time i saw him i believe was thursday. i was walking to science. i had just started walking up the stairs and he was walking down. i looked up and saw him and he had this strange sort of look on his face, annoyance? but not really. no idea how to explain it. i didn't see him again that day or on friday. then today i went to the bathroom during the last five minutes of art class and he was walking down the hallway in ahead of me. too far away for me to talk or for him to notice me. but i saw him. and he had his keys attached to one of his belt loops so they made noise when he walked. theeenenennnn i saw him agaaainanananannn when i was walking to bio. i had just turned down the science hallway on the second floor so i could still see back into the art hallway. i heard the jingling of keys so i turned around and there he was in his lime green t-shirt. i am pretty sure he saw me. then i was walking down the hallway thinking he would turn down the stairs and go down the hallway on the first floor like he did on thursday but the jingling didn't stop. he was following me down the hallway. if i was thinking i would have stopped and said something to him but he caught me off guard showing up there. then when i turned into Mr. Broaddus's classroom he was at Mr. Cole's room. so he walked faster than i did, making up a lot of ground in between us. on purpose? maybe. maybe not. but he went to his classroom a different way today then he did last week after he saw me. hm. but what sucks is i have the civil war thing third period tomorrow so i won't be over in the science wing to see him. and if he is a senior i'm pretty sure tomorrow is his last day but i'm not sure. and i looked through the yearbook again, at all the faces, and i didn't see him so unless he changed drastically since those pictures were taken and his name isn't Nick then he isn't in there.

so you might be asking yourself, why do you even care? -shrug- it's not like i expect anything huge. it's just the hope and the fun. and it gives me something to think about and to help me get through the rest of the year. well that is if he isn't a senior. i had big plans to talk to him after bio today but then i didn't see him after bio. do you know that if i just say "hi" to him that would be a huge deal to me? Abby can go and talk to new people and have a huge conversation with them - it isn't that easy for me. so even if i go and say "hi" and find out that he is a 30 year old teacher aide or whatever i would still be happy because i went and talked to him. so tomorrow i don't believe i will have a chance to talk to him unless he appears during art. so yeah. that's my big news.

edit: forgot. there is a song called "Perfect Stranger" by Michael Castro and I think it fits this pretty well, the lyrics are:
Where do we go from here,
I can't believe I hardly know you,
So why do I feel this way?
Like I don't know what to say,
Beginning of the weekend,
And I was just thinking what you doing,
For the rest of your life,

Oh, I'm falling for an angel for all I know,
I better play it safe and just let you go,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,

How do I sort this out?
I never could have seen it coming,
That you could be more to me,
More than just another woman,

Searching my heart now,
Should I stay or should I leave?
Falling apart now,
Oh, why can't I just be okay,
With watching you walk away,

Oh, I'm falling for an angel for all I know,
I better play it safe and just let you go,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,

Oh, a part of me is still waiting for a sign,
A part of me is wishing you would just be mine,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,
So how do you know when it's the right time to just let go,
And how do you know this road is fate of her beauty is for me is fate,

Oh, I'm falling for an angel for all I know,
I better play it safe and just let you go,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,

Oh, I'm falling for an angel for all I know,
I better play it safe and just let you go,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,

Oh, a part of me is still waiting for a sign,
A part of me is wishing would just be mine,
There's no such thing as a perfect stranger,

There's no such thing as a perfect stranger.

this day isn't going very well. i haven't accomplished anything and then my gramma called and i didn't want to talk to her then my dad said "it wouldn't have killed you to say hello" and know i feel really bad. sure i didn't have anything to say to her and it would have just been an awkward conversation that shows how we aren't close at all but now i feel so bad. gah. so let me just watch a cheesy disney channel movie instead.

so freaking tired.

if i had any other plans tonight i would have bailed but it was an improv show, the last of the year, so of course i went. i kind of wish i could have went with someone else other than Maeve though. because half of the time she didn't get the jokes and i could tell she was waiting for it to be funny, half the time she wouldn't clap. the funniest things to her were when the teacher tripped over the cord and almost fell and when Max surrounded himself with the curtain and stuck his head out. and then she got ticked off when Abby came over and told her it was rude to be texting even though she hadn't been texting at all during the show, she had just taken out her phone and had wrote one word when Abby told her it was rude so she put it away without even finishing the text even though it was her mother checking up on her. then the two of us got snappy when we went into the car because we were and still are exhausted and this has been a tough week. the show was good of course, i always think they are good - mostly because i don't think i would be able to do that, get up on stage and think off of the top of my head and try to be funny. except for the Taxi Cab Driver. i would have jumped in there and said "Welllllcome to the Cash Cab!" and hope someone knew what the Cash Cab was. so anyways. the show was good but nothing came of it. was i expecting something to? not really. i am so freaking tired. this week was tough. today was tough. i nearly passed out during algebra class, Ms. Lech switched up our vocab so i was all thrown off, and my horse was very bad today when i rode him, and it was so freaking hot out and i didn't even get to see the mystery guy in the hallway who gives me hope that there is such a thing as a perfect stranger. goodness. only 18 more days of school left. i'm going to sleep. i wish i was already sleeping.

today was actually a good day.

it didn't start off too great. i woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat. then i woke up again because i had a cramp in my leg that killed. then i really didn't want to wake up this morning. then first and second period i was practically a walking zombie i was so tired. double bio was actually fine and math wasn't that bad.

but when i was walking to science i passed by the mystery guy. he was coming down from the 2nd floor and went into the 1st floor science wing while i was going up the stairs. maybe i'll have to take a different route to science tomorrow.

my speech actually went well apart from me nearly dying half-way through. well it was mostly just my voice. then a lot of people came up and said i did a good job. so now i'm done and everyone else still has to worry about it. hahahaha.

so i'm feeling relaxed and content even though i still have a sore throat and i have homework and i have to babysit and i will probably go to bed at 7. now i have to go write a post for my alternative blog about silence. peaceee.

Summer Bucketlist.

Abby and Avarie had made one of these so now i'm going to make one. we still have a month left of school but hey it's better than doing homework.

- learn to drive
- crash a party i wasn't invited to
- get an awesome summer wardrobe
- have a summer crush, someone completely new (at driving school?)
- never say "no" or at least try to say "yes" as often as possible (to different events and such)
- become a social butterfly
- get my confidence up
- show my horse and win everything
- work at Yankee Home Improvement
- make a new friend
- have fun
- learn to talk


i think that is all. alrighty. back to homework?

-gasp-

so i was walking from science. oh goodness. was it before first lunch or second lunch? i'm thinking second lunch but if that is the case then why wasn't i looking for him during lunch? ah. that makes me upset. anyways. i saw this guy walking from the science wing who was very good looking and cute. i have never seen in before in my life. and when he was entering the lunchroom the guy John who has down syndrome called out to him with the name "Nick" and then proceeded to talk to "Nick" while i walked away. then during second lunch i looked through all of ninth grade and 11th grade and 12th grade looking for this "Nick" and he was not there. he can't be in eight grade because he was in an high school lunch and he looked too long to be in eighth grade. and now i'm frustrated. i'm having trouble remembering what he looks like. you know how if you thinking about something or someone's face for a long time you can't remember it anymore? it drives me crazy. i will probably never see him again and i can't even remember if he went into the lunch room during first or second lunch. ahhh.

that's my dilemma for the day. and i don't have Abby to ask about it because she is probably preparing for the play tonight that i will be going to with Dana and Bella. then i am sleeping over Bella's house. it was my idea. why the heck did i want to do that? i wanted to just talk i think and question Bella if she knows this guy. and i want to spend as much time with Dana as possible to ensure further friendship.

and now i'm going to continue being frustrated because i left my ipod and headphones at school. gah humbug. who the heck was that guy?

i am mind blown.

so i actually started up another blog. this one is public. the link is http://phraselingoahemir.blogspot.com/

and i'm really excited. someone commented on my first post. and then there was another comment on my second post. i responded to one of them. ah. and then i got this invisible stat counter on my page and it tells me that i have had 25 unique views (based on cookies whatever those are). 25 different people. sure maybe it is because of "spam" if you want to call it that or you could call it smart advertising. i think it is very smart. if a person answers the question with the link even if it is to say something like "uhhh" then everyone on that page will see that link. people are curious so they will go to that link just to see what it is about. they will probably read some. and there you go. wonderful!

i told my family about the blog. i'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. time will tell. but i'm excited. very excited. i now have 27 unique views. that is two more people right there. oh goodness. maybe this will turn into something big. maybe this is what our class has been waiting for. maybe. ahahhh! now it's time to go to sleep. like i can sleep while thinking about this.

glee makes me smile every time i watch it. this was one of my favorite episodes. why? because there were guys serenading girls. and i love...Sean? was that his name? the paralyzed football player. i liked when he sang. i loved when Finn sang. and when Puck sang. if someone sang to me like that well then that would be absolutely amazing. amazing. amazing. ♥

Karma.

what the heck is it? according to my little dictionary thing on my computer dashboard: (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences
- (informal) destiny or fate, following as effect from cause

so pretty much you do something good then something good will happen to you, you do something bad and something bad will happen to you. but i don't think it is that obvious, it's not like when your batch of cookies comes out perfectly you say to yourself "this must be karma because i helped my mom clean the house". nope. you don't know when it happens. it could exist or it could not you don't know.

i started and finished a book today in less than four hours called "Karma Club" by Jessica Brody. in that book i think karma is a little too obvious. i don't think it works like that. but i do think it exists sort of. but even if it doesn't exist that doesn't mean you shouldn't do good things.

that was my attempt at a theme that actually went with the title. it was a bit of a fail, mostly because i wasn't in it. that was a topic i had thought of earlier but i don't really want to write about it now. my family is over for mother's day now. i'm being antisocial by hiding on the stairs. my butt hurts from sitting on the stairs. i am playing with an idea in my head. creating a public blog. no one would know it is me though. all they would know is i am a sophomore in hampshire regional. i would talk about school stuff. post either once a day or maybe once a week. but school's almost over anyways so even if it did become popular it would just be for two months. or maybe i could keep it going over the summer. i could have abby help me publicize it on facebook but i couldn't do it all myself or then they would know it is me. i don't really know though. what would i talk about? essays. speeches. projects. finals. teachers. school lunches. would it be good? would i give myself away? i probably wouldn't give myself away but would people actually read it? i would like doing it. i would actually use capitals. and completely sentences. This sentence is an example of a sentence that begins with a capital letter and is not a fragment. abby just went to dinner so i can't run it by her. when she gets back i will. maybe i will start it today or tomorrow. i'm tired now so maybe i'm not thinking right. but i think it would be pretty fabulous if i could pull it off and it worked how i wanted it to. it would be an actual blog with topics and i wouldn't just blabber on about my feelings and random things. so yeah. i think my family is leaving now. then i'm going to get in the shower and probably go to bed. then school tomorrow. algebra test. and you should know i finished all my homework.

TONE OF VOICE.

can make people cry.

you should be proud of me.

the last post i made was on may 6th. today is may 9th. woohoowooo.

but first subject of business: READ THE FOLLOWING BOOK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE: The Secret Life of Prince Charming by Deb Caletti. it will guide you through all your relationships with hundreds of years of knowledge from all the characters. Seriously. it was really good. i read the majority of it in one day.

the horse show was a waste pretty much. it was pouring rain and Pride was freaked out. so we left part way. and yeah. that's all i have to say about that.

today's mother's day. and i don't think we are going to do anything special other than go over to my grandma's house where Auntie Julie is going to cook us a meal. grand. i am planning on spending the whole day doing homework because i didn't do anything Friday because i spent five hours after school getting ready for the show, and after the show on Saturday i was so exhausted. so that leaves everything for today including: three paragraphs of a five paragraph essay, three sets of algebra corrections, and notes for history. good thing i already finished my wonderful book.

and now i have to go to do homework. yippee.

i hate this time of year.

why?

- it is beautiful outside. i am stuck inside doing homework.
- everyone wants to get out of school but everyone was so much work
- everyone in my family is stressed and snippy and just wants to relax but can't
- i have three quizzes/tests tomorrow, an english essay due monday, an algebra test on monday, three algebra homework corrections, an english speech in two weeks, a history project that i have to decide my topic on for monday, a spanish project, and not to mention i have a horse show this weekend so i don't have that much time
- i'm stressed. i want school to be done. i am unmotivated. i don't even have time to write in my blog. i shouldn't even be writing now. too much to do.

i feel like screaming. and this is only sophomore year. wait until junior year.

so. let me try to remember everything i was going to talk about.

i felt illegal for a second today. i was walking to the barn when Abby from the barn passed by in her fancy blue truck and asked if i wanted a ride. i said sure. so i hoped it and drove the less the half mile with her. at the time i didn't know if it was legal for her to be driving me around. i went anyways. then i didn't tell Maeve or my mother that she gave me a ride. they just thought i walked the whole way. well i walked half the way. but then i came home and saw that her birthday was last month so it was perfectly legal. alrighty.

i nearly passed out in science class today. we were talking about the respiratory system. when i first started seeing the lovely green dots/blobs/blotches, i walked to the water fountain and got a drink then went into the bathroom for a bit. then i came back, was fine for another maybe 5 or 10 minutes then it started again so i asked Mr. Broaddus to go the nurse's office. he just said yes and i barely made it out of the room. i could hardley see the handle so i sort of reached out and luckily i was able to see it. then i went to get a drink and i couldn't see the water so i had to put my hand out to feel it then put my head down. once i drank some water my vision cleared up and my little green buddies went away. then i walked down to the nurses office. i wondered if anyone in my class saw how pale i was. i was freaking pale. i wonder if anyone in Mr. Cole's class saw when i walked by once to the bathroom, then back, then left and never came back. did they see how pale my face was? did anyone in my class even care? but i made it to the nurse, drank some water, lied down for a bit, ate some crackers, drank some more water, then went to lunch where i recuperated. then ran around in gym class and got through three honors class, a quiz after school, and went to the barn. it was a successful day all and all. but tomorrow i'm brining a water bottle. but it's all so predictable. i can feel it coming on. i know what i need to do to make it go away. it's just my stupid body. apologizes body, you aren't really stupid you are actually really smart. you just make some mistakes sometimes.

did you know that you have to pay to go on field trips now? it use to be that your class was going on a field trip so you had to get a paper signed by your parent. you didn't have to pay 45 dollars. but welcome to high school. if i want to go spend the day at the museum of history i have to pay 45 dollars. grand.

i have a bug bite on the palm of my hand. how the heck did the mosquito land on the palm of my hand, suck my blood, and fly away without me noticing? or maybe it got me when i was trying to kill it. unknown.

i am so close to being done with school but i have so many projects and tests and ect left. we barely have any time left can't the teachers just say "fuck this. let's not doing anything for the rest of school." well they probably wouldn't say it like that. they actually wouldn't say anything like that. they are going to work us to the last day of school. then finals. but you know. i should be working on my essay right now.

goodness. i think i am going to eat some ice cream and read a book. that sounds very productive.

guess?

it's past 10 o'clock. yippeeee.

and i finally saw a picture from prom with Ryan in it. it took long enough. do you know how many pictures i looked through? he was dancing with Cailee which i thought was cute and it made me smile. jealous? not really. i know eventually i shall be at prom dancing with some guy - hopefully - if not that will be fine because i'll be there having fun with my friends. Dana said that she would go to prom with me and she would drive us in her little flower punch buggie. but that wasn't the only reason i was looking at pictures. i like to look at the dresses and who went with who. by looking at all their dresses - Cailee's dress was amaazing- i can get pointers for when i got to prom next year. except maybe i'll be wearing a mask. i had a dream of a white or correction, ivory dress with emeralds or emerald colored stuff on it that i was wearing with an amazing emerald and ivory mask. and it looked wonderful because of my wonderful brown hair. but that's not until next year. this year i have an essay to write, a speech to give, another essay, three more chapters in history, more classes with Billy B (omg. he has a facebook. scary. scary. scary.), sixteen more gym classes, another spanish chapter, more Schott, a glee concert to go to, finals to get through, a horse to show all summer, fun to be had, and then start all over again.

it's weird. i'm in a good mood. maybe because i just finished watching Grease. sure the girl had to completely change to get the guy but hey the guy was changing for her but she just got to it first. wouldn't it be amazing if our school did that play? i wouldn't mind being it but i don't think that is really my thing. i recored myself singing a couple of days ago and i'm that good. at all. i sound better in my head. but i like to sing. i did drama when i was in elementary school. but maybe crew. then i could learn all the dances, like the hand jive, and do them backstage. but that's not till next year and it may not even happen.

i don't really feel like going to bed even though i'm really tired. can i just keep writing forever? sometimes i hate this blog and other times i don't. like now i do not hate it.

i had a wonderful time at abby's house even though i was very tired but it was nice to just relax. i'm really tired now. and guess who i saw in Easthampton driving in his car? Ryan Thornhill. he's haunting me. but not really. i don't really care. ohhhhhh. i have more song lyrics for you. in the words of Rizzo: "I could stay home every night, wait around for Mr. Right. Take cold showers every day, and throw my life away on a dream that won't come true"

in that high note i think i am going to leave. you might be surprised to hear this but i'm content right now. shocker. but my reasoning might be impaired because i'm so tired. i shall be sleeping until 11 tomorrow.