i'm a wuss.

i'm extremely frustrated at myself because i did it again. i proved to everyone that i am a little wuss and don't even deserve to have my own horse. i am suppose to work with my horse instead of cry and leave him wondering what to do. stupid. idiot.

so today is rainy. it has been raining all day. my mom has been at the office all day because my dad fired the girl in the office so my mom is doing it. carolyn, my riding instructor picked Maeve and me up to so i could have a lesson and we could do the stalls and such.

i got pride from outside and he was very wet so i started getting him ready and he was moving around more today than he has before. so he already sort of got me nervous before we were even in the ring.

imagine my ring for a second. if you are standing in the driveway facing the barn the indoor ring is to the left and the barn to the right and they are connected. it is really loud in the ring when it is raining because all the rain bangs on the roof and the walls.

i came into the ring and was just walking Pride around to get him use to the noise and he sort of walked really fast near the corner that was the noisy and once he started to trot and he wasn't listening to me. so i was nervous. then carolyn came in and she was saying that he would be better when i got on because i would be able to keep him on the aides more. i was nervous i was already starting to cry.

it was a rainy miserable day like this when A.J. first spooked. that was all i was thinking about when i got on pride. no i am not able to block out certain thoughts i don't want to hear.

i walked him around one end of the ring away from the noisiest corner and Carolyn was teaching me and i was nervous. i was riding properly and i knew it but there was nothing i could do about it. well there was but i didn't do it. and then he did a little spook by cantering away from the wall. he didn't buck but flash backs to A.J. bucking and bolting. i was crying now. so Carolyn had me lunge him.

this was the only the second time i had lunged him. i managed okay. he was nervous and insecure. i don't blame him. it is noisy in there and he was the only horse there. he was whinnying to the horses in the barn. he cantered sometimes when i didn't want him to and wouldn't go far over to the noisy side but we did it.

then Carolyn had Sam get on him which sort of made me mad. it was probably good that she did but it made me mad at myself. this was the second time that sam had rode him because i was too afraid to. it shouldn't work like that. i should be able to work with my horse instead of handing him off to someone else to ride. he was fine for her and she made him do what he was suppose to and was able to tell him what to do which i couldn't do.

then i got back on and i really started to cry. i didn't want to. i was embarrassed for myself that was crying again. i have cried too much at that barn. then Carolyn told me i needed to toughen up but the more she talked the harder it was for me to stop. i just needed to start riding. she said that if i wasn't comfortable i didn't have to but that was the last thing i wanted to do. she told me to say i can do this. i knew i could do it and i would have said it but i didn't trust my voice. finally she let me just walk around the ring. i knew once i started riding and walking that i would stop crying and get control of myself. which was exactly what happened. i was still nervous but i managed to do it.

then Maeve came in the ring with Herbie so now Pride had someone in the ring with him. and he was fine. i just rode him. walked, trotted, and cantered. i knew that i could do it but my tears betrayed me and made it seem like i didn't think i could.

it never crossed my mind that we shouldn't get him because of that. it wasn't Pride's fault at all. it was mine. if anything Pride doesn't deserve me after my behavior today. Carolyn talked to me after the lesson was over and that made me want to cry again. talking makes me want to cry. i would rather leave it unsaid.

so i started to walk him around to cool him off when Carolyn left and he started to walk fast near the noisiest part so i just got off and hand walked him and he was fine.

everything else went normally. but every time i went past sam i hoped she wouldn't say anything. and then emily, carolyn's daughter asked me how the lesson went and i managed to tell her the basics without crying.

then my mom came and on the way home in the car no one said anything. i was waiting for her to ask me how it was so i could tell her. then when we got home she said "i talked to carolyn. what do you think?" and i started to cry again. and i'm not sure exactly what i said, something about it being because i was nervous about the A.J. think.

morale of the story: i am a big wuss and i need to toughen up. and if that hadn't happened with a.j. then this wouldn't have been such a big deal. i'm just gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. a horse back rider isn't suppose to cry when she has a challenge like me. then what am i? a wannabe? most likely. gkdsjgalkdjfakldsfjkladsjf.