"it looks like it is going to rain" then why is the sun out?

so i was invited to go to the beach today but i didn't go. why not? maybe because i feared that it would be completely awkward because out of everyone that was going i am only friends with two of them. plus my aunt would have to drive me and i wouldn't feel comfortable calling her up to come get me before my mom got home. plus i'm a whimp and can't handle being in situations like that. should i have gone? yes i should have. did i go? no. why again? because i am a whimp and i was nervous and i'm an idiot.

oh right. nice going molly.

*) right now i should be doing chinese for ten minutes but i'm exhausted and i'm not

*) my dad and mother are stressed out because none of the leads that were suppose to be confirmed for tomorrow aren't because the person who was suppose to confirm them didn't know she could just look at them on the calender

*) my dad was saying "i just can't win" and "i give up"

*) my mother has it under control, i think, even though this isn't the ideal situation

*) in the book i was reading the narrator referred to "beautiful boys" so i was trying to create one on the sidewalk while the car was stopped and the car started moving so i imaged my "beautiful boy" running along side the car but then my "beautiful boy" turned into my beautiful horse.

"i saw you the other day"

i have come up with the most brilliant response to when someone says "i saw you ___". you say "how did i look?" i mean it makes sense. someone tell you that they saw you so you should ask how you looked.

this was inspired by the creeper himself, matt cabral, who saw me yesterday in downtown easthampton and felt the need to tell me on facebook. of course i didn't think of that when he told me. creeper...

yay! i'm not pregnant!

that title could be falsely leading you to think something that is not true. all it means is i am having my stupid period and i hate it. the only think that i can do is ride as long as i'm not walking. walking = back hurts. doing anything = back and ovaries hurt. gah. it makes me feel awful and then my mother was asking me what were my plans for later today and i said go home cause i don't feel like doing anything. i feel awful.

i know there is more i want to talk about but i just feel so bad it is controlling everything. no it's not controlling, it's taking over! ahhh! but at least i know i didn't get pregnant from some way that no one knows of yet and when i start puking all over in the mornings and tell them i haven't had sex they will think i'm in denial when really i'm telling the truth. that would be a mess. good think i have my period!

only child for the weekend & horse owner for...my life?

two big things happened today and i'm not sure which one to talk about first. it would make sense to talk about them in order of how they happened. and one would make more sense if i talked about it first but i'm not. i'll do it the hard way and end up explaining myself more than i have to.

today my sisters went with my aunt to boston to sleep over for the weekend. my step second cousins, James, Andrew, and Emma, are going to sleep over there too on friday and saturday night. i'm not going cause i own a horse which will be explained later.

so what should i be feeling now looking around the house and there only being my parents? no sisters doing something else? not having to worry about if we are waking my the sleeping children upstairs? anything you think i should be feeling. excitement? sadness? fear?

well i'm sad. when i was getting into my car and my sisters were going with my aunt i kind of felt like crying. i hugged everyone and i felt like crying. and then i was thinking what if something happened to them? what if they died?

is that strange or weird to think about death? cause i sometimes do. maybe it is natural but i do you ever think that while you are thinking about those "what if" that they will never come true because you thought of them. what sometime like a "what if" happens it is always a surprise. does that even make sense?

i don't know. but i was sad. and it seems weird tonight. different.

moving on.

i am a horse owner once again. after my mother giving me "are you sure" talk this morning i went through with it. i emptied my bank account which had about 6,000 dollars in it and my mother paid the rest. and i now own a horse.

i so wish that it was the right decision and everything will work out.

the girl who use to own him came to the barn today to give us some stuff and receive her money. she is a student in college at umass and didn't have enough time for him anymore. she thinks we are a great family for him. she wants to stay in touch. of course. he was her baby for three years and still is. she doesn't have a horse anymore. she wants to see me show which is fine but something that just jumped in my mind. hopefully she doesn't try to take over if she comes but thinking about that i don't think she would and if he was misbehaving she would only be a help. yeah bad thought.

ahahahahhhh. i'm a bit nervous all together. 

i'm a wuss.

i'm extremely frustrated at myself because i did it again. i proved to everyone that i am a little wuss and don't even deserve to have my own horse. i am suppose to work with my horse instead of cry and leave him wondering what to do. stupid. idiot.

so today is rainy. it has been raining all day. my mom has been at the office all day because my dad fired the girl in the office so my mom is doing it. carolyn, my riding instructor picked Maeve and me up to so i could have a lesson and we could do the stalls and such.

i got pride from outside and he was very wet so i started getting him ready and he was moving around more today than he has before. so he already sort of got me nervous before we were even in the ring.

imagine my ring for a second. if you are standing in the driveway facing the barn the indoor ring is to the left and the barn to the right and they are connected. it is really loud in the ring when it is raining because all the rain bangs on the roof and the walls.

i came into the ring and was just walking Pride around to get him use to the noise and he sort of walked really fast near the corner that was the noisy and once he started to trot and he wasn't listening to me. so i was nervous. then carolyn came in and she was saying that he would be better when i got on because i would be able to keep him on the aides more. i was nervous i was already starting to cry.

it was a rainy miserable day like this when A.J. first spooked. that was all i was thinking about when i got on pride. no i am not able to block out certain thoughts i don't want to hear.

i walked him around one end of the ring away from the noisiest corner and Carolyn was teaching me and i was nervous. i was riding properly and i knew it but there was nothing i could do about it. well there was but i didn't do it. and then he did a little spook by cantering away from the wall. he didn't buck but flash backs to A.J. bucking and bolting. i was crying now. so Carolyn had me lunge him.

this was the only the second time i had lunged him. i managed okay. he was nervous and insecure. i don't blame him. it is noisy in there and he was the only horse there. he was whinnying to the horses in the barn. he cantered sometimes when i didn't want him to and wouldn't go far over to the noisy side but we did it.

then Carolyn had Sam get on him which sort of made me mad. it was probably good that she did but it made me mad at myself. this was the second time that sam had rode him because i was too afraid to. it shouldn't work like that. i should be able to work with my horse instead of handing him off to someone else to ride. he was fine for her and she made him do what he was suppose to and was able to tell him what to do which i couldn't do.

then i got back on and i really started to cry. i didn't want to. i was embarrassed for myself that was crying again. i have cried too much at that barn. then Carolyn told me i needed to toughen up but the more she talked the harder it was for me to stop. i just needed to start riding. she said that if i wasn't comfortable i didn't have to but that was the last thing i wanted to do. she told me to say i can do this. i knew i could do it and i would have said it but i didn't trust my voice. finally she let me just walk around the ring. i knew once i started riding and walking that i would stop crying and get control of myself. which was exactly what happened. i was still nervous but i managed to do it.

then Maeve came in the ring with Herbie so now Pride had someone in the ring with him. and he was fine. i just rode him. walked, trotted, and cantered. i knew that i could do it but my tears betrayed me and made it seem like i didn't think i could.

it never crossed my mind that we shouldn't get him because of that. it wasn't Pride's fault at all. it was mine. if anything Pride doesn't deserve me after my behavior today. Carolyn talked to me after the lesson was over and that made me want to cry again. talking makes me want to cry. i would rather leave it unsaid.

so i started to walk him around to cool him off when Carolyn left and he started to walk fast near the noisiest part so i just got off and hand walked him and he was fine.

everything else went normally. but every time i went past sam i hoped she wouldn't say anything. and then emily, carolyn's daughter asked me how the lesson went and i managed to tell her the basics without crying.

then my mom came and on the way home in the car no one said anything. i was waiting for her to ask me how it was so i could tell her. then when we got home she said "i talked to carolyn. what do you think?" and i started to cry again. and i'm not sure exactly what i said, something about it being because i was nervous about the A.J. think.

morale of the story: i am a big wuss and i need to toughen up. and if that hadn't happened with a.j. then this wouldn't have been such a big deal. i'm just gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. a horse back rider isn't suppose to cry when she has a challenge like me. then what am i? a wannabe? most likely. gkdsjgalkdjfakldsfjkladsjf.

HAHAHA. time to laugh in my face.

so i ended up going in my riding pants and neon socks. not that i cared. and after waiting around for an extra hour they showed up, nah they weren't running late or anything. but it was a waste of my time. maeve and i just stayed away then i pretty much got yelled at for chasing a dog. and it was stupid. but that was call expected i guess. the two kids where there, nothing special, they looked a lot older than me but then again i look young for my age according to people who don't know how old i am. but whatever. so there goes that idea. -shrug-

and i'm tired. it's 6:49.

i'm a teenager girl with hormones yay for me!

um. awkward title in some sense. in another sense it is so true that it shouldn't be awkward. yet it sort of is.

i don't really know why i picked that title. yes i do. because i'm Molly.

my old house, the tiny little house where all three girls slept in the same room and the five of us shared a bathroom, is for rent. we have rented it since we moved out and we are looking for a new tenet. okay. so what? the so what is i have always wanted a family to move in there with teenagers my age. and then if they went to HRHS i would know them. and you know all those fantasies you have in your head? i've had a ton including teenagers that lived in 109. is that weird? i don't think so. i think that it is called an imagination. that thing that everyone still has even though they like to believe they only had one when they were little.

now i have to give you some background info or else this won't make sense. so my mother has shown the house to some people and i was there once but there was no one worth my time. so i read. it was nice being here and being the landlord's daughter. you know, that feeling of superiority even when you know that you aren't really superior. so the other day my mother showed it to some more people but i didn't go. the one group that we are going to focus on is two women. i don't know what relation they have to each other and neither do my parents cause my mom didn't ask, she just showed the house. then my mom saw the two women in Amy's Place in Easthampton when we were just walking around with my ice cream. then my mom ran into one at Big Y and talked to her, the lady works at Big Y in Northampton. i wasn't there for the Big Y thing. i learned everything that happened in the car when my mom was telling my dad. i wouldn't consider it eavsdropping because we are in a car and everything that gets said in that car gets heard by everyone else. of course for one part i had to lean forward to hear what was said because of the music.

but i guess that lady who was interested in the house, her name is Roberta or something but i'll call her Bert, was telling my mom that she had drove past the house and told her two children aged 15 and 16 (yay - i mean two teenagers my age. i'm 15 and 16 is not unacceptable to be hanging out with) that was the house she was thinking about renting. then the son (yes, son!) wanted to see it. so Bert wants to see it again with the kids. Monday or Tuesday.

um. do you have any idea what that means? if my parents do rent to them then i have a chance at becoming friends with the lovely little peoples that live in that house. and if they came to HRHS would be the ideal situation instead of them continuing at their old school. if they went to their old school then that wouldn't work very well because i would never see them. we don't go to the old house very often, especially when it is being rented out. but what about now? does this mean that i should go with my mother when she shows the house? what if my mother thinks i come just because i know that there will be teeangers there. duhhh. but that may not be that bad of a thing except for awkward situations. and awkward car rides home. what if the two of them turn out to be awful kids? like the kind of people that i wouldn't want to associate myself with. what if they try to talk to me and i become the stupid little shy girl? what if it ends up being a complete disaster? what if i wished i had never came?

what if it ends up wonderfully?

i don't think i would want to go without Maeve or Maura because then that would be obvious and even more awkward. i don't know if my mother would even offer for us to come with her. and i don't want to seem too eager to go since i haven't in the past. so what do i do? um the answer to that question is to go and see. cause you will never know if you don't go. yeah, easier said than done.

i'm pretty much sure that all of that just went along with my wonderful title. (:

my dad makes me feel bad for owning a horse. like i'm wasting money. he was asking questions like "Well Molly looks too big on Murray" implying why don't I ride Murray instead of getting another horse. and he was making a big deal out of there being three horses he has to pay for - Murray, Herbie, and Pride. and then mommy made a comment about the office stuff and he said he didn't get the connection and she said something including "money down the tube". so now i'm in a bad mood and i think i am just going to have a shower then go to bed. no family fun night for me. it's 8:20. shower. read. bed. and try not to let anyone know that i'm crying.

my horse.

go listen to the song "Use Somebody" by Brooke White. Not that Kings Of Leon version. Brooke White.

I listened to that last night and I was imaging my horse the whole time. I could be singing that to my horse and it couldn't fit better.

Pride might be my horse. If he has a wonderful as he was yesterday then I think he is.

i'm nervous.

i have chinese lessons in 10 minutes but she could be here any minute and that is what is making me the most nervous. i'm nervous. that is the cause for my nervousness right now.

the other nervousness comes from the fact I am getting a horse tomorrow. i'm nervous that i won't work out. i'm nervous that i'll fall off when i ride him. i'm nervous that the vet check won't go well. i'm nervous that he isn't my horse. i'm nervous about it altogether but i'm ready for my horse. i'm ready for him. i need a horse that i can love cause i need a crush. seeing as i don't have one and i'm not looking. the boy will find me when he is ready. but i'm the one looking for the horse and i'm ready. so please let this horse work out. i'm ready.

ready does not mean you can't be nervous too. i don't think i'm ready for chinese lessons and i'm nervous. i think i'm ready for my horse and i'm nervous.

right now i'm nervous. and i'm be nervous tonight when i go to sleep and think about tomorrow when i should be getting my horse. i'll be nervous all tomorrow from when i go to get my horse, to when i ride my horse, to when the vet checks him, to when the farrier puts on his shoes. that is all happening tomorrow. i'm nervous.

i just finished a really sad book and started the sequel and finished it which was also sad.

there were two best friends. one died. from cancer.

it was extremely sad.

the first one is called A Time For Dancing by Davida Wills Hurwin and the second one is called A The Farther You Run by the same person. 

it was sad and i would have cried if no one was home.

i'm not sure to start.

maybe with my twin because it has been too long since i talked about her. hi. i know it is hard. and i'm not going to explain what 'it' is because what ever you think 'it' is, 'it' is. but you also need to know that whatever it is, i will be here. when those people make you feel like hiding in a hole and never coming out i'll be here. i know i'm not a big phone person but that is because i don't have much experience with the whole talking/phone thing. so when you are beginning to crawl into that hole grab your phone or even your computer. yes, that big huge computer. whatever floats your boat. so yes. just so you know even though you should already know all that stuff that you just read.

i had a wonderful day at Abby's house the other day. we got by all the awkwardness pretty quickly. now i just have to find my butt over there more often and hers over here. cause really we don't see each other as often as we should. so Abby don't worry.

i would talk about horse camp now but i don't really want to so instead i'll talk about why i don't want to. it's in the past now. i don't want to worry about it anymore. whatever. -hand movement flappy thing-

now i'm really tired. so i'm just going to fall asleep now while watching t.v.