hi so it is past midnight and I am still awake. it tried to go to sleep at like 10:30 but couldn't fall asleep and kept getting up trying again and here I am. I was up at 7am this morning so I could finish my poetry portfolio which was due at noon today. I was planning on doing it yesterday but I was so hung over I couldn't focus until the evening. yeah I got super drunk and I really can't remember anything except throwing up in Roxy's room and not wanting to leave Roxy's room and then being back in my room sobbing in my bed and talking with Ellie and Amelie. so that was fun. and I text Hanson at one point to respond to his text if there was anything still going on. and apparently I took lots of pictures with exchange students and I honestly don't remember a lot of the party. and I felt like crap the next day. but I guess it was fun? not really but I didn't want to have to worry about anything.

now I won't let myself relax and fall asleep. like I am physically keeping myself clenched up and tight like I am worried about what I have to do. but really I can relax. I finished all my assignments. i'm not going to worry or work on ADE anymore, and then that presentation is Tuesday. and then my other final is Thursday. yes I have other meetings and stuff but I am pretty much done. maybe the whole moving to Ireland thing is worrying me. but I am going to talk to Grandma tomorrow and hopefully that will help ease some of my worries. but after graduation I literally only have a week before I am off to Ireland. and I am already having meetings with one of my new bosses because I got myself two internships for Ireland because why not. and I really can't just let myself relax so I can fall asleep. like I just keep constantly thinking. and for some reason I was thinking it would be a good idea to text Prateek so maybe i'll do that at some point if I still feel like it then. and I know I shouldn't be bumming about Hanson but I still am and I can't wait to just be done here and move on so I can leave all the worries and stress and anxiety from this place behind so I can only focus on the worries and stress and anxiety of the next chapter instead of having to think about all of it. so close. so close. Dana is visiting tomorrow and then Sunday i'm dog sitting and have an ADE meeting and FME review session then Monday I have a lunch meeting and then i'm babysitting and I think I maybe have a meeting in the morning too and then maybe something in the evening. and then Tuesday if the FME final and then I think I have something after, I can just see blocks on my calendar in my memory, and then Wednesday I am babysitting, and then Thursday is my modern drama final, and then Friday we are going to Maine to Mike's lake house a bunch of us which will be interesting, and we will be there until Monday morning when I come back to campus and then it's senior week, which Hanson is doing but Terrence is not. which makes me sad because I really like Terrence and talking to him and hanging out with him, he just always makes sense and is so calm and cool.

how can I get myself to relax and stop thinking about everything and go to sleep?

I have a bunch of pictures of how I want my hair cut, short above the shoulder. and because this is what my life is now, my plan is to not post any pictures of it until Ireland and then get an awesome picture of me there and switch my facebook profile picture, cover phone, and all my info there in a big switch to the "new me" now living in Ireland. I was starting to have second thoughts about cutting my hair earlier but then I happened to stumble upon a video of Kayli cutting her hair so then I looked up pictures and now I am excited again. but my big short hair reveal might not work if I decide to go to Emily's graduation party which would be the sunday before I leave for Ireland - which will probably be the Monday or Tuesday immediately after. if I decide to go to the party, I might be ready to just leave everyone behind and spend another day with my family.

ah I really need to stop thinking and worrying about all of this. I am going to go get my water and then hopefully i'll be able to fall asleep this time. i'll just have to force myself to. I really am exhausted, at least I can sleep in tomorrow because Dana isn't going to be here until 3ish.

well here is to being done with classes forever (maybe) and almost being done with college. yippee.

so I am exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep and it is really hot in here so I am now writing.

tomorrow is my last day of classes. that doesn't seem real and it hasn't sunk in that it isn't just my last day of classes, it could be my last day of classes ever. I still have a bunch more things to do this week so it isn't that real yet. and I am still worrying about a bunch of things. I haven't been able to take a second and breath and realize I am done with college. I did it. I got through all the work and stress and everything. ah crazy.

and the fact that I am moving to Ireland isn't real yet. but I am starting to worry about that stuff. like if my grandma will be okay health wise and if I am going to have to take care of her and be responsible for her and how that living situation will work. and that is going to go so much sooner than expected. and I have been running around trying to get my passport sorted out which still isn't even applied yet so I will probably be traveling without it which is kind of sad but at least I will have it eventually after I get there.

I am trying to enjoy myself and relax. yesterday I had a fun day with Michelle doing work in a coffee shop and revising my poems and then we went shopping and then to a jazz café with the boy she is dating and his friends (he has a girlfriend so it wasn't like a double date thing).

things with ellie and I are still kind of weird but they are okay so I am just trying to make it through without any blowups for the last three weeks we have together.

i'll be sad when counseling is done because I really like going and talking with Shannon.

I also had an adventure with hanson and Terrence to go to a poetry reading which was interesting. they are hilarious together, like an old married couple. but they both have other love interests than me which is good so I don't have to worry about that.

ah I can't wait to just be done. i'm so close. but then i'll wish I could come back to these days.

but cool maybe I can try to get some sleep now. and then have my last day of classes. go through the motions and routine again like I do, not realizing or comprehending that is the last time i'll do it.

so today took an unexpected turn - actually not all that unexpected.

I went and found the pony hedge, which I loved. then when I came back to the dorm, Amelie wasn't there, and ellie was in her room. and I could hear her either getting on or off or moving on her bed. so I waited a minute and then just went into my room. and then ellie came out later and was in the common area. and then Amelie came back and now Amelie is on the phone.

I know ellie is now waiting for me to come out, because she heard I didn't use the bathroom before. but I don't want to talk to her or have to act all nice and happy and try to reassure her that I don't hate her. so I think I am just going to stay in here and try to fall asleep while I still have to pee. so cool. maybe it would make my life easier to just go and talk now and be nice and social, like what is expected of me, but I don't want to. just counting down the days until I can leave here please.

i am having a panic attack right now. my chest is tight i am breathing heavy. i feel so much pressure and expectation and i can't deal. now i am crying. and i just want to scream. and i want to run away and just get away from all of this. i don't want to do anything

chest tightening, breath quicken.
i need to run. i need to get away.
all the pressure,
expectations,
encircles me and starts
constricting, grabbing
me and yelling at me
surrounding me, tightens
and demands. i can't
calm down. i need to
get away. screaming,
crying, trying to push
this pressure away.
get off of me.
please leave me alone.

the boa constrictor usually stays
to himself. i can see him, patiently
waiting. he never leaves, always
there.

when i'm not looking, or even
when i am. he slithers closer
and start moving up my leg,
wrapping himself in
circles.

he moves up past my hip
and begins to encircle my
chest, tightening. he tightens.
constricts and controls me.
calm down, i can't
breath.

he keeps grabbing, demanding
me. he always wants more,
never enough. more
pressure.

then he leaves, and i relax.
breathing not quiet
the same, but better.
i see him still,
waiting.

and also Abby fucking posted on the senior group page. she cares enough to congratulate everyone on whatever the fuck they are doing in their lives - graduating college, having babies, getting married, Fucking being alive - but she doesn't care enough about me to talk to me or give a damn about my life. so fuck you, you're fat and been with the same fucking guy since 7th grade, and dropped out of high school and now i am crying because i want to feel like i am better than you but i'm not and i really just want to talk to you. or talk to josh. but i can't. because you both hate me. and now i'm sobbing again. what have i done where i have no friends. i pushed them all away. great job molly, great fucking job.

I paid 20 dollars to go to spring concert stay for like an hour and half and leave right after the main act come on to come back to my room and cry.

I was not drunk enough to enjoy that. everyone was just dancing aka grinding up on either other and making out and pushing. and i just felt invisible. and then roxy was with mike and Amelie was with Isaac so i just felt so alone. and i am like what the hell. why do i not have a guy interested in me. i felt like crap. and when i came back even Emily Morrison had a guy. i literally just want someone interested. why does no one like me. i don't understand. am i not pretty? am i not nice? or have a good enough personality? like what is wrong with me? i honestly have not had a guy interested in me really since josh. except for Michele who was weird. and a guy i met on a dating app so obviously he was interested in only one thing. and i guy i met a bar who also wasn't really interested in me.

like i thought it was refreshing to meet dan but he hasn't opened my snaps or snapped back so he isn't actually interested in me and even if he is he is all the way in Atlanta so what is going to happen with that - nothing.

so i am literally sitting in my room by myself crying while the majority of campus is at spring concert having a fun time. and i am about to go watch the little rascals. i could go to sleep. but i am holding out hope that maybe someone will want to talk to me or hang out with me. i sent roxy away to go hang out with mike. she needs to spend more time with him. and i told Amelie go to follow Isaac as he went into the crowd because he needed her and he gets priority over her. so i walked back to my suite by myself following freaking Emily Morrison who was walking back with someone she was about to hook up with. so what the hell is wrong with me.

and i am about to stay up and keep checking my freaking phone to see if hanson or dan opened my snaps or gives a damn about me. even though i know they don't. so i really should just go to bed and give the fuck up. and marco obviously doesn't care about me either, he told me there was someone else he was interested in at babson but he wouldn't tell me who and then he left and then when he saw me later he just took my hat and left again so it obviously isn't me because then he would have spent time with me and tried to hang out with me more.

so i just suck basically. i really should just go to bed and not watch little rascals even though i kind of want to because i know that if i stay up ill just continue the pity party for myself. which is stupid. i had enough alcohol to make all my true depressing feelings towards myself come out but not enough alcohol to enjoy myself and not care that i'm a fucking fifth wheel and no one likes me.

fuck me. not actually, please can someone fuck me.

i'm so ready to chop off all my hair and move to some new place.

but until then, now I have a meeting.