just another day.

and the days move on.

it's hard passing by the pasture where Donder used to go out. but i haven't cried. my mom has cried. Jane has completely bawled. I haven't. does that make me hard, cold? i don't think so. i have cried over death before. but i don't want to talk about that.

bella came back from Florida, i gave her a hug, but there was a bit of awkwardness. she just got back today. i think she was tired and kind of getting used to being back. she didn't have much downtime. she was all over Easthampton and she went to a movie.

apparently Adam cleaned stalls this morning. his name was on the stall list and Dana made me guess who cleaned stall today, and i of course guessed him. Dana didn't see him because she came later after he was done. but it was his name on the list, not Emily's. he probably went over there when i was still in my P.J.s. i had a lazy day. maybe later this week i'll be up there early or i'll just have to wait to see him more when school starts because i doubt he is going to be going up there before school. where does he live actually? let me check facebook. it doesn't say but i am pretty sure it is Southampton because one of his posts says: "Pillaging the town of Southampton with a bunch of friends." So it's not like he can roll out of bed and clean some stalls then head off to school unless he feels like waking up at 3 in the morning everyday. That's out, so after school yeahhh!

Today I rearranged my bedroom. My mother suggested it and Maeve was like "yeahhhh!" but then I ended up doing most of it by myself, my mom just helped me move some of my furniture. I'm not sure how i like it, it will take some getting use to but it's a change.

now i should go to bed but i'll probably stay on the computer for a while longer.

from one extreme to the other.

i wrote this last night: "because that is like admitting that this day is over and that tomorrow isn't going to be nearly as good. but that doesn't really matter. it doesn't matter what tomorrow is going to be like because today was so good."

yeah today was a bad day. very bad. Donder died. Donder is, now was, an amazing school horse. i had lessons on him. i helped get him ready for the campers all week. and now he is just gone. it was so sudden. he was perfect yesterday when we left him. today i went down to the pasture to bring him up and i couldn't find him but then i did behind some bushes down at the bottom. he was just standing there. as i got closer i saw he had huge scratches on the two sides of his face, like there just wasn't any hair there. he was sweaty and shivering. i put his halter on and tried to move him but he wouldn't move. then Carolyn came down and tried to make him move but he wouldn't go and she was really worried. so we called the vet. he was in really bad shape. the vet came and the campers still had their lessons. the girl who rode Donder all week, Annie, rode Mieka, and the girl who rode Mieka rode Murray. Carolyn didn't tell the campers that Donder had to be put down. Donder had coliced, which means his stomach twisted. horses can't throw up so instead they colic.

so today sucked.

but not completely. i had to leave camp for a bit to go watch Maura's show which was a good performance.

and i got my book in the mail. it is an actual book with my name on it. it's legit. the formatting got a little messed up but it's still wonderful.

i brought Donder's bridle up from the tackroom. that was really sad. and i was the first one to find him. it was just sad. it is sad.

when i'm in extreme moods i post a lot.

have you been able to tell? that when i'm in extreme moods i always posts. i'm either extremely mad, upset, happy, indifferent, or tired. there you go. so you can't trust these posts. they are tainted by emotion.

i'm in a good mood again. why? because i have been left alone for the night and i'm thinking about earlier when I was talking to Adam. that beat going bowling. that beat going to the beach. it was a completely unplanned event but it worked out so perfectly. i can't get over how perfectly all the timing worked. you don't get it. things don't work out like that. i would have to work elsewhere or ride, i wouldn't be working in the same exact place as him at the same exact time with the right person. i wouldn't have him wave at me as he left. it makes me so happy. so so so happy.

i lied before. there is a bit of the nervous stuff. i know because i checked my facebook chat and I saw that "Adam" was online and my tummy did that little flipfloppy thing until I realized it wasn't Adam Munska, it was another Adam. i almost just did the same thing again.

but this is what i needed. i'm so happy. i can't wait until next Thursday. if everything can just work out so perfectly like this all the time. and it is good that this was the second time he was there. it is just so good. so happy. ah.

i should be sleeping. but i don't want to go to bed because that is like admitting that this day is over and that tomorrow isn't going to be nearly as good. but that doesn't really matter. it doesn't matter what tomorrow is going to be like because today was so good.

it wasn't like i talked to Adam for the whole day but that just made the rest of the day good. the beach with Dana was nice but i still can't believe how that worked out.

now i'm probably going overboard. but how can i not? if you just think about it. really think about it. gosh. it's like wow.

i hope that Adam is thinking it was a nice conversation at least. he probably isn't going as overboard as i am but still. he did wave to me when i left. that sort of gives me some hope that he liked spending time with me. maybe he will end up coming with Emily to clean stalls more while she is here just to see me. ha. but i can hope.

i need to sleep. hopefully i'll have some good dreams. it's okay if i don't though because today everything worked out like a dream. seriously. it was just so perfect. i can't get over it. at all. and nothing can take that away from me. that makes me smile too. thinking about how it already happened and how no one can change it now. it will forever be a wonderful day.

a year from now i wonder what i will be thinking when i read these posts. i wonder what will have happened. but no matter what happens that can't change the perfectness of today.

i can't get over it. it worked out so well, almost too well. not too well. too well would be include getting a phone number and having him write on a facebook wall. but i am almost glad that those two things didn't happen. everything happened that was supposed to. nothing was rushed. it is just so perfect. ahah. so happy. (:

:D

i just posted that post like two seconds ago and now my family has to ruin my good mood. they were fighting about how now Maura wanted to play right when Daddy was going to get something to eat and how he never wants to play with him and how he wanted to play with them when he first got home but they were painting nails and then Maeve stared in on how hard her day was so then i said something to make them all shut up but it just got Maeve mad. then Maura and my dad went outside for not even a minute and Maura gets stung by a bee. i saw it too from my seat at the table. i think it was a wasp. she ran inside screeching and yelling, not telling my dad what was wrong. she stopped crying now. i'm not listening to what they are saying. maeve came down and now she is back upstairs. now i'm frowning. jeez. i was just about to go get some dinner but i don't want to listen to them. at least now i have my music playing in my ears.

today was a fairytale.

i'm listening to that song on purpose by taylor swift.. because today was a fairytale. or at least it was very good. a very good day. i'm smiling thinking about it. seriously. thanks God. thanks a whole lot.

it started off good when i was helping the campers get ready to ride and I saw Emily's car pull in. i heard her park and i heard one door open and close. i thought "damn it" when i didn't hear another one. then i heard another one. and i smiled. and then i saw Emily and Adam walk into the barn. score! Emily came down a little later to talk to Carolyn and i overheard that Adam was painting fences. that was also very good because that meant that he wouldn't be following his sister around moving from stall to stall. another smile. and it just keeps getting better. normally i would have to stay in the ring while the kids rode but they went on a trail ride. Carolyn was going to make me and Erin walk around but i said that we could clean paddocks. (Maeve got to go on the trail ride) so Carolyn said "sure you can clean the paddock Pride normally is in, Adam is going to be painting the fence". bigger smile. Erin and I went over there. i had already said hi to Adam earlier when i had to get a fly bonnet and he asked how i was doing and i said good as i walked into the tack room.

anyways as we enter the paddock i say something about what we are doing. i ask Erin if she got her schedule for school and what team she was on. i already knew but i asked anyways. we talked about some of her teachers. then i asked Adam if he got his schedule. and we started talking about that and electives and how the school is stupid for not giving people enough credits for the electives they want. and it was easy to talk to him. i wasn't nervous or worried about saying the right thing. i was completely relaxed and just like you know. so i would talk to him and Erin and i introduced them and i would go dump the wheelbarrow. we talked about cars and driving. he has a truck. and i asked him if he had ridden before in Colorado and he said he did once. i asked him what sports he did, and his answer was soccer, basketball, and football. sometimes his sister would come over and once after she left i asked him if she was telling him how to paint a fence. and he said something affirmative. i thought that was a good line. we talked about Karate Kid, or at least i did.

it doesn't really matter what we talked about it is just the fact that it was so perfect the way the timing worked out. if Carolyn had decided to do the trail ride yesterday i wouldn't have been able to talk to him. and if she hadn't had suggested that i cleaned out that paddock i wouldn't have been able to talk to him for an hour. and it worked out that it was Maeve's turn to ride and i am so glad that Maeve wasn't doing that with me because that you would have that whole sister thing going on. instead i could just be with Erin. and it just worked out that he came and painted fences instead of cleaning stalls. it all worked out just so perfectly. so perfectly. thank you God, thank you, thank you.

and it goodness doesn't end there. you know we talked for a while but we didn't talk constantly. we were fine just working. it wasn't awkward at all. sometimes i would just talk to Erin but i think he was listening. or at least i hope he was. but then i had to go do my counseling duties. so i said bye and that i would probably see him later.

then after the horse and stuff was all put away Carolyn told us to go walk around the side of the barn and wash our hands. normally we just go right through the barn but for some reason today she told us to go around. around the side where Adam was painting fences. so as we passed by i told the children to wave at Adam. and they did put they probably thought i was weird. i think it made him smile though and it showed that i wasn't afraid to say hi or talk to him while other people were around.

and then we ate lunch and when we came back he was still there painting fences, now Emily was helping. and i had to run get my riding pants on when they started to load hay and i almost got ran over by Emily in her truck. Adam was walking next to the car and i said something about getting run over that i think made him smile. i'm not sure. but i had to run by and run back to get down to get the horses again. and then when we were coming up the hill he and Emily were just leaving. we are at the top of the hill and he turned around in the car and waved at us, probably mostly me since i was the only one who waved back. but he was the one who waved first. he could have just sat in the car and drove away without even looking at us (cough, me) but he didn't. he turned around, completely turned his head 180 degrees (and his shoulder and such too), and waved. that made me smile a lot too.

and you know if we do become good friends it's not going to be awkward with my family completely because my mom sees him around and she knew that we were working in the same paddock because she came over to give me a wheelbarrow and tell me what i needed to do before she left. and Maeve found out because Erin mentioned something at lunch and i said we were being conversationalists. i like that word. a conversationalist. i think my dad knows too, my mom probably told him, because he asked in the car if I went to Fuller's today and how was it. normally he doesn't ask. i just said good. if he wanted to know about Adam he would of had to come straight out and ask me.

the thing that makes this even better, (i know is it possible?) is that i am not completely like OH MY GOD crush like. i am not freaking out. i am just happy. i haven't been on his facebook page today and i've been home for almost an hour now. and i actually haven't been on his facebook page since i wrote on it last week asking him how his job was going. i'm not going to write on it either until he writes on mine. he definitely can now that i wrote on his. it's fair game. maybe eventually i'll ask for his number or he will ask for mine. i know he has a cellphone because he texted his sister while he was there. i know it was his sister because she came over shortly after and he said "you could have just texted me back". that is something i would do, text my sister who is in the other part of the barn. i have done it before actually. maybe i can ask him what kind of phone he has and lead off from that next time. but yeah i'm not freaking out. i don't have my heart beating madly in my chest and i'm not worried about next time. because you know there is going to be a next time. he is going to be working there almost everyday once school starts. sure it will be different then because it will be school but i'll still be going to the barn after school and i'm sure that is when he will come work. but next Thursday it will just be luck if i am there the same time he is. Emily normally comes early but i don't like coming early but i might have to if my mother has to go to work. she would drop me off then go into the office. anyways.

i don't think there is much more to say about that other than i'm smiling and i've had that song on repeat.

after camp i went to the beach with Dana and that was nice. we just relaxed. it wasn't really a beach it was just a river and a little sand but i had to pay 5 dollars to get in. it was mostly just little kids and their parents. no hot guys. so sad. we talked and we quiet but then sometimes i felt like i had to try to fill the silence. but it was still nice. and i'm glad that Dana wasn't at the barn today. that way i could just talk to Adam without worrying about Dana. but i did mention her and her car.

but today was a fairytale. i am very happy. i think as soon as i see Adam is online i am going to post the status that says "is happy. She had a good day." and see if he gets the hint that it is mostly because of him. now that my playcount of Today Was a Fairytale by Taylor Swift is at 8, i think it is time i go back on shuffle.

OH. i forgot to put my ring and bracelet on today which was weird and i didn't notice until like 5 when i was at the beach. normally i wear them everyday. which is weird. i'm trying not to think about it too much like "today was a good day because i didn't wear my jewelry". i wore my glasses though. i sort of need those to see.

edit: i like the quote of the day.
"Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye,
In every gesture dignity and love." – John Milton (1608-1674)

i'm tired. i don't want to go to sleep. i have camp again tomorrow. i'm sick of it. goodness. today was fun but tomorrow. oh wait. tomorrow is thursday. last thursday Adam Munska was at the barn. he hasn't been back since that i know of. his sister has. i'm hoping because that will just make this whole camp thing worth it. please. my summer has been average and the rest isn't looking up. i have like one day every one week or so that looks promising and the rest just aren't exciting. and i still have the stupid summer reading. i just need to get it done so it isn't looming over me. i also need to go to sleep. why am i writing this? do you even care? this is just one part of my life and in a few years i'll forget all about it. all these feelings that seem so important now, they won't be soon. that's frustrating. life is frustrating. can't i just sit here in front of my laptop for as long as i want to? nope. i need to go to sleep. why do we need sleep?

i need to stop this.

tomorrow: Adam, Dana, beach, Thursday.

Adam Munska if you do not come to the barn tomorrow while i am there (9 to 3, that's six hours, equivalent to a school day) I will be very disappointed. there is only so much a sixteen year old girl can take of 3 little kids, her sister, another girl her sister's age, and her riding instructor. i need something, someone. seriously. i'm freaking tired of waiting.

i love watching people do "their thing". like if you are a dancer, i would love to watch you dance. if you are an actor, i would love to see you act. if you are a fisher, i would love to see you fish. if you are a writer, i would love to read something you wrote. if you are an athlete, i would love to see you play/compete/whatever verb you do. if you are a musician, i would love to hear you sing. just to see someone do something that you know they have practiced and worked hard on. just to see them do what they love. and to be able to do it well is even more amazing. because you feel proud of them. you say "wow" and can't help but smile when you watch them. i think everyone has the ability to do that, they just have to find the right thing and the right person to watch them.

examples. when i watch Abby on the stage i can't help but smile. i'm watching this amazing dancers right now on a video and they are having fun and they are so good, they make me smile. thinking of watching a future boyfriend doing whatever, i'm already smiling. it doesn't matter so much what it is, it's just that they do it and they have fun and they have practiced and they are good and it's wonderful. you know what i'm saying? i want to be able to give someone that feeling too. doing what? i guess for me it would be riding. i don't think i have made someone smile while riding a horse that i can think of. or maybe i have but no one has told me. i want someone to watch me and feel extremely proud of me, even if they hadn't seen me ride for countless hours over the years before that had prepared me for that moment. excluding family members.

why am i talking about this now? because i was watching these amazing dancers. i would love to be able to dance like that. but then i also say that i would love to be able to play soccer really well, or play the drums really well, or sing really well. but i know i can do everything. so i want to watch other people and smile. and more than that when i think of people that i know and love, i want to be able to support them with what they love. that's why i always try to make it to Abby's improv show and the plays, even if she is just in crew. that's why i am skipping the horse show at the end of the week to go see Maura perform, but that is different because she is family. i guess this is also me wanting to have some guy, some boyfriend, that i can go out and support and to see him do what he loves. that's kind of important to me. maybe some people can have a boyfriend, or even anyone really, that doesn't have...i don't know what you would call it, a hobby?, a passion? let's go with passion...maybe someone can have a boyfriend that doesn't have a passion but i don't know if i can. HA. i haven't even had one so i shouldn't be saying anything. really it's just a dream of being able to watch him do what he loves and to be able to have that feeling inside of me. that's only one part though. i want to be able to talk to him and feel on the of the world. but now i'm getting off topic.

do what you love. love what you do. and let me watch you do what you love and love what you do.