big surprise. Derek didn't come and meet up with us. he didn't even text me. I think he had texted Roxy earlier in the day. but I didn't hear from him at all today.

i'm just disappointed. I understand yesterday he had to meet up with his family. but today he could have made more of an effort. we were in the same city. he could have tried to meet up before he met Caleb, or after. even for just a bit. but I didn't hear from him. so I won't see him again.

it's hard because I know that I would have put the effort in. I left work early yesterday. I helped figure out all the logistics. I would have dropped everything for him. especially because I never see him. and then I get a few hours one day when he is here a whole week.

but it basically tells me that I need to distance myself and sort of back off. I was getting too attached and I was expecting too much of him. obviously he doesn't have me at the same friend standard that I had him. so my expectations now drop and with that I won't talk to him either. to be my friend that I trust in and confide in, I guess I have expectations of how they will treat me. I am worth it. I am only close with certain people. and obviously I let myself get too close to Derek and he doesn't act how I would expect a close friend to act.

does that make sense without sounding like i'm bitchy? actually I don't care if it sounds like i'm bitchy. I have high expectations. what's that other word, not expectations. standards. I have high standards for my friends. I get to choose who my friends are and who I open up to and who I spend my time hanging out with and talking to. I only choose the highest quality. I would go to the end of the world for them and I expect they would do the same for me.

so I guess what I am saying is that I am disappointed that Derek is not the kind of friend I hoped he was.

stupid boys. I let myself get too attached. same with Matt. I am so scared I am going to run into him somewhere in Boston. but then I remind myself that would be okay because I am confident in myself and it would be more awkward for him.

I am currently listening to Hailee Steinfeld's new single Love Myself and it actually is perfect for right now and sums up my whole mindset towards life.

but now I am going to sleep. because I am not going to let myself loose any more sleep over boys. I don't know I let that happen. or I don't let it, it just does. that is something I need to get more control over. because no boy is worth losing sleep over.