I haven't heard from Matt all week. I was kind of expecting something yesterday or today asking what I was up to for the weekend. but we are sort of at that point where someone has to show that they care and put themselves out there. everyone wants to be indifferent and not show their feelings. because by saying they want to hang out and putting effort in, they are making themselves vulnerable. so far in our relationship the two times we hung out was pretty noncommittal. now moving onto hanging out again, it will show that we actually care...so maybe that is why he is not texting or maybe he is just not interested. but I am actually not too worried. a little disappointed to be honest. I did enjoy hanging out with him. but maybe it is for the best since I knew that I really only liked hanging out with him and nothing more. it was just kind of nice to have someone to go on dates with and have that attention. but I have a quote that I keep on my computer that pretty much sums up this situation:

"She’s not the type of girl to wait by the phone, she won’t cry, she knows it’ll get her nowhere, she’ll laugh a lot and often, and she will live her own life. She would like you to be a part of it, but she will do just fine without you."

okay so there is that. he will probably text me tonight now that I wrote all of that out and I will have to reevaluate. it would be easiest if we both just sort of stopped texting...even though I would never get an explanation but that is okay with me. it was just for fun and to see if it was worth our time. apparently not.

okay but more exciting. Ellie and I went to a George Ezra concert. and right before it we were having dinner right down the street from the venue. and we were sitting outside. and I was pretty much done eating and I look up and I see a tall man with these little round sunglasses wearing a hat and kind of covered up. and it was George Ezra. and I didn't have much time to think or process, I just recognized him and wasn't sure if it even was him. so I said in a small voice "Hi, George" and waved. and he smiled and waved back and kept walking. and then I was just in shock and fangirling and disappointed in myself for the rest of the night. I didn't ask for a picture or talk to him or anything! I missed my chance to talk to George Ezra! and Ellie gave me a hard time for it the rest of the night. but I am still in shock that happened. and I am still mad I didn't say anything else. but at least I said something. and at least I saw him. there were so many people because it was a Red Sox game too that he could have easily walked by. he was by himself too which was strange. but when he came on stage and he was just in his t-shirt and I saw how cute he was I almost started crying because I missed my chance to talk to him. he was so close I could have reached out and touched him or stuck my foot out and tripped him. but in order to appease myself and calm my mind, I am telling myself that once I am a successful businesswoman in the music industry, I will meet him and I will tell him this story. I still can't believe that happened though. ahhhhhhh.

okay I am just going to start every paragraph with okay because that is how I pause in my mind and change subjects. okay. so I talked with David who is the head of the team at Spotify that I work on. and he wants me to stay for the fall but he doesn't know if he has the budget. I said I would want to. he wants to just try to extend my summer internship as long as possible so I will just stay on. so if he figures it out and can find the money to pay me i'll still be at Spotify. so that means I will have to rearrange my schedule. which I am going to try to do while still being a full time student with 16 credits, being an FME mentor which is like an additional class, and still babysitting, and being an Education Abroad advisor, and being an exchange student Peer Mentor which involves helping with orientation. and i'm going to work out. and be a good friend. and have time to relax. and still visit my family and all. I can do it. you have to hussle when you're in college. but that means my week off that I was going to go home for, i'll still be working. I will just stay for that week. and then the Saturday after that Friday I will move back to school and then training and orientation for a week and a half then classes start and i'm back to work. so if you look at the rest of my summer. this weekend i'm at the beach, babysitting, and red sox game. then next week i'm working all week like normal and i'll see Derek. then that weekend is currently open, maybe i'll go home? probably not since it won't be much time and it's a bit early to be packing unless I just bring it all to Auntie Lorrie's but there isn't much room. anyways. then the next week i'm working and spending three days in New York. then that Friday I have to drive Ellie to the airport and I start dogsitting and I dogsit all weekend. and then if I stay with Spotify I will work the next week. and then on Saturday I move back in to Babson and start training. and then the Thursday orientation starts and I have that all weekend. and then classes start on the next Wednesday. and I will be back to work at Spotify on Thursday. and then that weekend I am babysitting all weekend, like the parents are going away, for two girls. and then Monday I have off. and then back to class and work on Tuesday. and I start my weekly babysitting gig on Wednesday. awesome.

but honestly just thinking about the fact that I am working at Spotify is amazing. I have applied to so many internship and the fact that I got one at Spotify. and I have kept it for so long. and that I feel like I belong and fit in there and that I am actually contributing to something. it's amazing. I just have to remind myself sometimes that I work for Spotify. and that is a big deal.

okay the only other thing I am worried about is if my dad made my tuition payment or not. my mom and I had to take out a $40,000 loan this year so now I am up to $50,000 in total student loans I need to pay back. and even though I got some financial aid. I still need to pay $4,000 this semester which covers my father's portion. so I sent him the wire transfer info. and I checked in yesterday and he said he sent a check. which was not one of the options I told him. so I asked him what address he sent it to and he said he would check in the morning. I texted him this afternoon asking and I haven't heard from him. but the payment is due on Monday. so if he hasn't paid it then my account will be put on hold. technically I have enough money saved up that I could pay it and then he could pay me. but I just need to know where that check is and if they will be able to accept that and process it for my tuition. I have no idea where he sent it since I didn't have Babson's address, just the bank's address and the bank account info that I gave him. but I will bug him about it another time. and there was another issue between him and my sisters right before they left for Ireland. my mom briefly started to mention it but then decided that Maeve could tell me. and when I was texting my dad trying to get this information he mentioned that he was disappointed they wouldn't even come inside the new office. so obviously another miscommunication upset happened there because my dad can't see things for their perspective at all. and Maeve and Maura are still just kids so they can't be expected to act any differently than how they are. I don't even know what happened this time and I kind of don't want to.

anyways now I should get my sleep. i'm going to the beach with Ellie tomorrow and I need my energy because she always drains it. I had to tell her I didn't want to hang out today because I needed a day of nothing. and because I needed to be by myself. I spend so much time with Ellie that is exhausting. I love her, but it takes a lot of effort to hang out with her. i'm not even sure how to explain why but just to make sure she is happy and to calm her down and make sure she is okay always, I guess. that doesn't really do it justice. but I'm spending the day with her at the beach tomorrow and then all day with her Sunday too since I think we are going to get brunch before the Red Sox game. and then I think she wants to meet some of her co-workers at a bar before the game. then the actual game. and then after we will probably get food. and then the commute back. and then finally i'll be home and the weekend will be over. oooh not really I think I get to work from home on Monday too since Smith and Coby will both be out. awesome.

okay now sleep. I also might look up and see if I wrote about first getting the Spotify internship or not.

Finn won't stop barking and it is freaking me out. like I am mentally going insane. I can't handle this house.

Maura didn't want to go to the drive-ins yesterday. when we were waiting in the car mommy was talking to her and then mommy just got upset. so then I went and talked to Maura. and she wouldn't talk, she was silent, but she sat there and listened when I talked. so I told them to go to the drive-ins without me and I would stay with Maura. so I stayed there and finally she decided she would write down what was wrong with her. and I heard her crying. and then this is where I messed up. I didn't follow through. I was reading a book and I just kept reading it and by the time I went upstairs she was already asleep. she had come downstairs once or twice before but didn't stay anything about it, of course she wouldn't, and I didn't ask. I fucked up and didn't follow through. maybe because it was easier or I don't know why.

this family has always held everything thing. don't say what is wrong. suck it up. you are fine. we are a perfect family. but obviously not because that was shattered back when I was a freshman in college.

Finn please stop barking.

but of course I messed up. I was trying to do something right for once and care about Maura because she has been doing this for a while and obviously something is wrong.

and I had to go upstairs for some reason right now so I decided to just read what Maura wrote. when I talked to her about it earlier today she didn't say I couldn't but was just sort of quiet. so I read it because I need to know what is up. she basically just wrote about her whole life and how she has always had anxiety so she has always quit things and how our family has had it worse. and like how when she did go to therapy she didn't talk so everyone thought she was fine. but she just freezes up and doesn't know what to say.

so I read that. game plan before I go back to Boston tonight is to talk to her and even if she doesn't say anything, tell her that she needs to show mommy that so she can help. get her to therapy, something. cause obviously we aren't helping the situation currently. she isn't just magically going to get better because this has been going on all her life.

maybe she is talking to mommy now because they are out shopping. all because she can't vocalize what is wrong doesn't mean there is something wrong. we have been oblivious or ignoring it because it is easier to read a book then to ask what it is wrong and give a damn.

I've been a bad big sister. still am, case it point yesterday when I didn't follow through, as soon as she was gone I just sort of peaced out.

I have like a ball of tightness in my chest. making decisions here. doing anything here. just afraid that Mommy is going to be upset, Maeve will get upset or what something else. half the time I avoid going to the barn because it is an ordeal coordinating and I have to decide if I want to ride Dolly and I just want to curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Finn needs to stop barking.

When i'm in Boston I can just forget about all of this and escape the anxiety and tension. No wonder Maura is drowning if I can feel the anxiety in me just being here two days.

I'm going to look up therapists for Maura in case she is against mommy knowing so I can coordinate it for her. I don't know what to do. i'm leaving here in a few hours. i'll be able to escape but Maura can't.

a few other random things.

I can't help but think of Josh and comparing. not all the time. but enough for me to mention it.

also it scared me that if he had asked me today to hang out with him today (which would have consisted to driving to his family's house and taking care of his cats) I would have.

I also don't like that I wait expectingly for his texts. I don't want to be dependent or attached or anything.

right now I am debating texting him saying i'm going to sleep or just not responding and going to sleep.

it's like I have to make a decision if i'm going to go for it or if i'm going to keep as much distance as long as possible.

it's like a game to make sure you don't care more than the other person. you don't want to be the first to show your feelings. keep it casual.

like I am so tempted to say something like, we should have hung out today. but I really can't. I need to keep my distance. show that i'm not that interested.

ahhh boys suck. life is easier without them. not as exciting. but a lot easier.

okay so date number two with Matt was yesterday. and Ellie asked how it was and I told her everything which now I am wishing I didn't because she is going through a rejection from a guy she really liked. but I just wanted to tell someone, which I didn't realize until she asked for more details and I just started typing everything. I should have wrote in here earlier.

now I don't know if want to write everything. I should just for future's sake.

oh so I went spinning the other day at a class with one of the other intern's at Spotify and i'm pretty sure I tore up my muscles in my leg cause now it kills and I can barely move my right leg so that's awesome.


anyways. so we were going to a free music festival. I had thought we were meeting at 4, but he thought 4:30 so anyways I was early or he was late. some lady talked to me while I was waiting so I made a new friend.

but he got there and he was hungry so we walked around looking for food and there were some free samples and I made sure to give him as much of my food as I could throughout the night. because I felt bad for not going to get food then when he was hungry. but we sat on the grass and watched Atlas Genius and talked some. and then for New Politics. we actually stood up and went up front for them. I just ignored the whole awkward do you put your hands up, when do you talk to each other, or watch the band - and I just enjoyed it and watched. of course New Politics had to ruin my little "ignore the date, watch the show" when they told everyone to put their hands up and hold the hands of the people next to you. New Politics told us to so of course we had to. but then when we put our hands down, he didn't let go right away and it was weird cause he kept like moving his hand around like he was debating if he wanted to be holding my hand or not, so I just took it into my own hands (hahaha) and intertwined my fingers into his hand and even then he still moved his thumb like he was trying to get comfortable or was just nervous. but once it was time to clap we didn't hold hands again after that. so interesting I guess.

then after that we walked around a bit more and he got some coffee and then we sat back down on the lawn for Guster. and we talked some more and it was good. and then we got pizza and there were so many people so it was crazy but luckily we got seats and at the pizza and that was good too. and then after that we decided to go to a bar. and we were able to get a little booth table and each got a drink. and we played two truths and a lie. and I was able to guess every single one of his lies, most because a lot of his facts I already knew.

and then he walked me back to my T stop and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek so then I kissed him on his cheek and then left. and then I texted him to make sure he got home safe when I got home and all. and then I fell asleep. but then he texted me again at 2am with "Hi. Are you up?" which I obviously wasn't. but of course I asked him today why he texted me then. and first he said because he wanted to see if I was an insomniac. to which I said I didn't believe him. and he asked why I didn't believe him. I said because you don't just text someone to check if they have insomnia, you had some reason why you would want to talk to me. to which he said he woke up in the middle of the night imagining my roommates screaming at each other and had to tell you. which I don't think is true either because of a conversation we had yesterday. but I said I guess I will believe you...to which I was hoping he was would say guess? and I would say that I was hoping for someone more exciting but didn't have that chance.

now he is asking me any last thoughts on the weekend. oh yeah during the end of the date I asked him how it went and he said it went good and then a while later he asked me and I said it was good, solid. now I don't know what to say to this.

basically I like hanging out with him and I feel myself but I am not head over heels or super excited. I mean I will see how it goes. I like talking to him and it is fun to go on dates. so i'll just see where it goes. I mean I will probably only have one or two more chances to see him before it's back to school for me and then it will be a lot harder to see him. actually not too much, if he drove out of the city to meet him. not sure if we will get that far. just see what happens. but now I have to text him. okay okay.

hi so somehow I have gotten to the point of texting Matt every night...like he texts me everyday around 9:30 - 10ish. and we text until one of us goes to sleep. and it's scary because I like talking to him. I don't want to be attached. and I don't want to grow attached to someone by texting them. texting someone is completely different than hanging out in person.

I mean we just decided we are going to go to a festival in boston together on Saturday...officially a date. so I guess we will see how that goes. I mean yes I enjoyed our first date but it is strange getting to know someone via text, because then when you see them it's hard to know where you stand. you know?

okay so timeline. 27th meet. 28th one text each. 3rd ask to hangout. 4th hang out. 6th start texting. everyday since then. it is now the 15th. i'm sure I will hear from him the rest of the week. 18th festival. almost a month.

oh also Ellie already bought Red Sox tickets for me, her, Matt, and her Steve friend. like crazy already buying tickets for boys we are just talking to...barely even not really at all dating. mine is going better than hers, she hasn't heard from him since she asked him to go get sushi...i'm just praying for her that it works out. she likes Steve a lot more than I like Matt.

is that bad that i'm so "whatever" about Matt? I mean he is nice and average looking and I enjoy texting him and I enjoyed hanging out. but i'm not freaking out or anything. well we will see how the festival goes. I mean if nothing else he will be a good friend. or a fun summer fling.

I have to be prepared. would I kiss him? I probably would once, see how it goes. i'm pretty open and just whatever. I don't have much to lose. i'm trying to stay pretty neutral and unattached. I miss kissing might attach me more than I want but I can try to kiss someone and stay unattached. I've never had the chance to before. so. we will see. or maybe we don't see that part, but if this relationship keeps going the way it is, there will be kissing sooner or later.

I  mean I am 21. even though I feel too young to be kissing boys and doing that whole thing. even though I've done it before. it's been a while. I don't know. it's strange. but I am just excited to go to the festival and he will come with me. so we will see.

okay it's 11pm and i'm babysitting and i'm going to eat some of my salad I brought. awesome life here.

I hate boys because I can't sleep.

I keep thinking of different scenarios with Matt. what we would do for our next date. how the first time I kiss him happens. having him come to the music festival with me in two weekends. and it's stupid. now i'm like wide awake. I just want to sleep. get out of my head. I don't care that much. I care about sleep more currently. okay, thanks.

update on life: I went on a date...?

sooo remember that guy I met at the bar on my birthday. so he texted me yesterday and asked if I wanted to get coffee today. so we did.

still kind of trying to process it all. I told Ellie it was strange and she asked why. so I told her: "Meeting a guy at a bar, then just going out on a date. I guess it's not that strange, but I've never done it before. The two guys I've been on dates with I knew for a while beforehand."

but the actual date was good. we met for coffee. and I was late of course because taking the T always takes longer than expected. but he told me to text him when I was here. so I texted Here as I was walking up and then I passed him walking the other way. luckily I spotted him and recognized him. I was afraid I wouldn't recognize him because I was having a hard time recalling his face...but as soon as I saw him I remembered and knew. so I turned around and actually walked talked to him for a second before he saw me. so we grabbed coffee. he wouldn't let me pay for his, but I paid for mine at least. we were going to sit outside but all the tables were taken so I suggested we walk over to the public gardens. so we did that and walked around for a bit and then sat down and talked. which was all good. and then we decided to walk over to quincy market and faneuil hall. so we talked as we walked over there and then we got ice cream. and then walked to the harbor and sat there for a while. I've been to the quincy market boston harbor area so much that I know it really well now. but after we sat there we walked over to the aquarium and then walked to the T so I could leave. he gave me an awkward hug and then an even awkward attempt kiss on the cheek, but he mainly got my hair...

the conversation was good. it was pretty steady going and we had plenty to talk about. he is a really nice guy and i'm sure he is smart too. and fairly funny as well. so I enjoyed the date. i'm not head over heals for him. but I would go out with him again. I think he would be a good friend. but I could also see myself kissing him...not sure if it's because I really like him or I just want to kiss someone. so that is kind of bad, but is it really bad? not sure. it's kind of exciting. I thought I might be more excited? like with Josh I was all kinds of nervous and all...but I knew I liked him before we went on our first "official" date and we because official girl/boyfriend that night. I actually could look up and read exactly how I felt on that date and the times before that too. like that night in Northampton on our "double date." so that's pretty cool.

so I guess overall, I enjoyed hanging out with him. i'm still trying to get over the fact that we met at a bar and all. maybe that is common? like if I went out to bars more often I would gets dates from then a lot? i'm not sure...but if he followed up and asked again I would go out again. see how the second date went. maybe kiss him on the second date. not sure. but I think he would be a good friend? maybe more than a friend? not sure again. maybe not the reaction you are supposed to have after a first day. so maybe leaning more towards a friend eventually. but I can take advantage of a few dates before we come to that conclusion, right? i'm new to all of this! having one boyfriend from two years means I haven't really been on a lot of dates...a sort of date/prom with Adam and then just a lot of dates with my long-term boyfriend when I was in high school. so i'm not sure how all of this is supposed to work. but I guess there isn't a specific way it is supposed to work, just however I want. so I want to go on another date with him. step one. from there we will see.

but let me write down all I learned. he works at PWC as a consultant, his client is in Hartford so he stays there during the week. he lives in Cambridge on the weekends, he just moved out to his own place. he has an older sister and he moved out before her. his family has two cats, who he had to go check on. he went to Cornell, graduated in 2013. before PWC he worked at a startup called Rosie. favorite color is green. favorite food is tacos/burritos. favorite season used to be winter but now is summer. favorite place he has been is Grand Cayman. he had Spotify downloaded on his phone but he had never created an account. his mom used to be a middle school math teacher but now is a real estate agent. his dad is a software engineer. he plays tennis, he did club tennis throughout college. he has been sailing. he also snowboards. he has only ridden a horse once. i'm sure there is more. but that's all I can think of right now. i'm going to go look up the posts from when I first started dating Josh.

oh his name is Matt Ford. forgot to mention that.

oh my god, I just read my post about my first date or whatever. I was just so young and excited and wow puppy love okay. much different this time. well I didn't know the kid and was so much more...cautious? I don't know. strange and different.

okay now it's 9:41 and i'm exhausted after a weekend with my sisters and showing our exchange girl, Ana, around Boston. work tomorrow. yaaay. now time to sleep. and then back to reality tomorrow. but then Martha's Vineyard next weekend! sooo excited, yayayay.

okay good weekend, Molly, good work.