so my thanksgiving didn't turn out all that bad. I gave myself a reality check. and I enjoyed my takeout from the cafeteria. and then I went to the movies and enjoyed hanging out with my friends. and overall it could have been a lot worse. but now I definitely appreciate my time with my family a lot more.

but I am thankful I am here in shanghai and I have this opportunity to study abroad. I am really blessed and I appreciate all of it.

even so I will be happy once I am home.

hi it's thanksgiving and i'm at work and I just want to curl up and cry. I didn't think not being with my family on thanksgiving would affect me that much. since last year was a crap show at my dad's house. but at least I was with my sisters.

this year I am at work until 7 and then i'm just going to get takeout from the cafeteria. then I guess i'm going to the movies with my friends. but it just sucks. I was supposed to get dinner with Kristen but she got invited to a thanksgiving dinner so she is going to that and i'll still be at work. so I just found out that i'll be spending thanksgiving dinner eating my takeout food alone in my room. of course Kristen was like are you sure? and of course I was like "yeah!" because I don't want her to leave her dinner early just to sit there and watch me eat so I don't have to be alone.

and then when I called earlier to talk to my family it was sad too, not that they were having a bunch of fun but just that they were together. and they didn't ask what I was doing for thanksgiving. and I really need to stop thinking about this or else i'm going to start crying during work. I still have 5 more hours of work to go.

this really sucks. I just want to be home.

so I saw a picture of Josh, Colin, Nicole, and Abby that came up on my facebook. and for a second I was like, I should be there. then I was like no I shouldn't. but then I was thinking what if I was there what would my life look like.

I went back to my 18th birthday when the four of them were on a cruise without me. and what if they had invited me. then I would have went. and I wouldn't have went to vidcon. I wouldn't have went to Disneyland with Taylor Mathews. I would have never officially met Taylor and hung out with him for a day. so Josh and I would have gotten closer during that trip and I never would have experienced California and saw Vidcon and Taylor. so then maybe once I started college I would have tried harder to stay with Josh because I wouldn't have started second guessing our relationship before college even started. that cruise would have strengthen our relationship and given it the strength it needed to endure a long-distance relationship. and then Taylor never would have become close with our family so he never would have stayed over and I never would have blown off Josh to hang out with Taylor and his mom would never have posted passive aggressive posts on facebook about how I hang out with popstars and not my boyfriend. and I would have been happily stuck. or maybe unhappily. and I may have never gotten interested in the music industry. so I never would have moved to Nashville. I definitely wouldn't have because that would have been leaving my boyfriend who I was in a loving committed relationship with. and maybe I wouldn't be here in china now.

but then I have to remind myself that I am still who I am and I think it probably would have ended the same way.

and looking at it all now if I had to choose between the life I have now and the life I described up there where I would have been in that picture with Josh, Colin, Nicole, and Abby - I would pick this life ten times over definitely definitely.

just look at what I have accomplished and how I have blossomed and grown. I think if I was still in a relationship with josh I would have been held back. so I am proud of myself for spreading my wings and getting out of western Massachusetts. and I don't regret a second of it.

anyways I have to get back to my awesome life here in china. you know cause i'm an awesome jetsetter just traveling all over the place making things happen. because I won't allow myself to get stuck.

guys I don't know what to do. I just talked to my dad. and that went fine. but then he started talking about my sisters and saying how they haven't talked to him. and how the day when he asked anna to marry him he could have told my sisters...but when he said he was going to see anna for her birthday they didn't ask him anything like oh what did you get her? or how is she doing? "like any normal person would" and how my sisters never ask him how he is or how his day was and they just act like "spoiled brats." and then telling me how Maeve acts and how she makes it difficult. and how he doesn't know what to do.

also when I told him about anna he said that he is sure she meant well and her English isn't that good so sometimes she doesn't mean what she says. then maeve reminded me that she blocked me on facebook...then unblocked me and proceeded to send more messages.

but anyways I go and tell maeve all of this and I just want to paste some of the messages on here cause I don't know what to do think or what to do about any of this.

this is Maeve's response after I told her basically what I just said above:

wtf
he's literally messed up
 he is honestly a big baby
like he treats us like shit and does all these things a parent should not do and then throws a fit when we don't treat him like respectful kids
hypocrite much
i literally can't even believe he still bad mouths me and mo in front of you.... like what the hell is that going to do
i honestly could care less about someone's life if that person treats me this way
just because he's my father doesn't mean i have to be involved in his life/ eager to know about his personal life
and even if he is upset about us not doing asking him stuff, pretty sure his faults are 10000 times worse. he just says that stuff to deflect the attention away from his actions
this is what he does ALL the time... no matter what you say he always makes it YOUR fault and not his
and anna did not mean well!!!!! blocking you on facebook requires no words & its pretty obvious what that meant

You: yeah i don't even know anymore. i mean all we can do is make the best of a crappy situation and just deal with it i guess. he said he didn't know what to do anymore and that he would give anymore the space or time or whatever they need. but really i'm sure he is still focused on himself.
You: oh right the whole blocking me thing, that does change things.
You: really i just want to get to a state where we can just sort of coexist with him without problems and stress. which i guess is easier for me when i'm not there

Maeve: honestly, whatever you do just don't believe him. its sad but true that all he cares about is him self and he could care less about us. he just wants us to be happy so that he can feel better about himself. its how he works, ive been dealing with it for two years.
but yes, we make the best of the situation. but we do not deal with his behaviour. because i refuse to be disrespected and treated like shit by him anymore. i dont need him in my life constantly telling me im living my life wrong and im the mean one to him and im the one who messed this up for him and for everyone. and thats such a lie that he doesnt know what to do anymore. he is so full of himself.
 it is so obvious that we are upset with his behavior and how the marriage went about. and how does he handle it? never talks to us about it. he doesnt say anything to us. and when he does to me, its insulting and critizing me and bad mouthing me in front of my siblings. does he really thing thats going to make me want to have anything to do with him? he has hurt me enough, and if he continues to pull off his act, i want nothing to do with him. i have honestly been happier in the last month because i havent had to endure my weekly shame session where he attacks me. so we'll see what happens in the future, but for now im over it.

You: Maeve, i believe you, and you have the right to do what you with your life. if you don't want to see him you don't have to. you can make the decision. and honestly i have no idea what to say or do. but i'm here for you and i believe and i will stand by you. i'm sorry i didn't stand up for you when i talked to daddy.

Maeve: its okay! he wouldn't have listened anyways. i'm here for you too, i know it's new to you to see this side of him so it's probably still pretty shocking. i'm not really phased by it as much anymore because ive already felt the hurt from the last two years. so feel free to get out how you feel even if it seems like im over it cause i know its a lot to deal with. even though we're all dealing with it, its a totally different experiece for each of us



soo yeah I don't know what to say or do anymore. I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want to handle it. I just want to run away from all of it. maybe that's why I am never home. let me go to Nashville, Shanghai, Chile, on tour, anywhere but home.

okay now I have to sleep because tomorrow I have to wake up early to take a shower, study, and try to take care of this toe. and then I have a test, a field trip, and i'm babysitting. so another day in China. only 21 days left...

hi guys a few things. one I am in so much pain right now. I have an ingrown toenail. it started to hurting last weekend. and I realized what it was and I looked it up online and asked my mom. my mom was like you should try soaking it but you  might have to see the nurse - not realizing there is no nurse here, I would have to go to the hospital. so no thanks. I didn't tell her that though because I don't want her to worry, I don't know if she actually would but. anyways it was getting better and I was soaking it twice everyday. and then I didn't soak it for a day and it back tracked a bit. and then today I just sort of killed it because I did a ton of walking and now it is killing me so much as I soak it. like the kind of pain that is starting to make me delirious.

but today I went to Suzhou with Roxy, Nasser, and Derek. we went there because Roxy needed to buy silk stuff for her mom. and the rest of my travel plans failed so this was the best I got. but I think it was good. I didn't realize I had already been to Suzhou when I went last summer until after I bought tickets and all. but it was still good just hanging out with them. Kristen said after last weekend she thinks Derek likes me but ehh i'm not convinced. like it would be nice to have sort of confirmation that guys do like me since you know kind of haven't had much interest at all lately - but it would never actually work. but I do like him and hanging out with him, but as friends. i'm kind of worried about how I come across but whatever, I do what I want to. and then Nasser is cool too, i'm kind of worried about what he thinks about me too, but then I remember that I don't really care. not in a bad way, just that i'm going to do me and not worry about other people.

oh but the other day I realized i'm not as good of a person as I thought I was. the first bad thing. I was shopping with Gianna, Josh, and Kris (I know, names I don't think I have mentioned too much, I don't remember who I have talked about on here or not) but we were getting on the subway and Gianna says someone grabs her butt. and I just sort of brushed it off and didn't really say anything about it to her. and I should have. I should have said "that's disgusting, i'm so sorry that happened, are you okay?" but instead I just sort of ignored it. and that is also setting an example to the other boys that it isn't a big deal. and it is a big deal and it is wrong. but I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. and I have been beating myself up over it. I thought I was better than that and would have done the right thing. gaaaaah i'm still really upset over that.

and then the next day I was waiting to cross the street and I see a blind man crossing on the other side of the intersection and he is waving his cane in front of him and i'm thinking to myself that it isn't a very practical way because how will he know what he is stepping on. and then I watch as he trips over the curb. and I cringe and gasp. but do I help him? no. I could have saw that coming. and yeah I have a bunch of excuses: he was too far away and I wouldn't have made it in time, I don't speak Chinese so I wouldn't have been able to say anything to help him. but really I just watched a blind man trip and probably couldn't have stopped it.

so yeah here I am thinking I am so awesome and amazing but when push comes to shove, I don't step up. so that's annoying, Molly.

and fitting the song "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers was playing on Spotify while I wrote that.

but anyways now I really want to sleep because I am exhausted but I don't know if I have an interview tomorrow morning. because he was supposed to let me know today if that time would still work. well if figure I will still wake up to check my email and see if it is happening. and then I am supposed to go walk around a little water town in Shanghai tomorrow with Kristen and some of her friends. but with my toe that is probably not a good idea but I am going to do it anyways because I only have three weeks left here and I want to make the most out of it. so I will suffer and suck it up and go tomorrow. i'm hoping it will be feeling better soon or else I won't be able to fall asleep.

I feel like I have more I should be telling you but instead I am going to go sleep. so goodnight!

things I should be doing right now:
- finishing my homework
- studying for the quiz tomorrow
- showering
- going through my clothes/cleaning

instead I have a lot to talk about and i'm procrastinating.

let's see where I left off last time. (okay so the last post never went through, I think I wrote it on November 1st)

so I've talked to my dad. and when he called me he didn't even tell me right way and then he just mentioned it like it I already  knew or whatever. like yeah sure I already knew but it would be nice if you told me. and I kind of freaked out and got really upset. and he started spinning it on me, like it was my fault that I didn't contact him and tell him my texts weren't working and that I didn't tell him that I was going to Hong Kong. well there is a big difference between me not saying i'm taking a trip and him not telling his daughter he is getting married. so stupid.

and what makes it even stupider is that his girlfriend messaged me on facebook all this shit. about her pass and how her ex was worse and about how don't I just want everyone to be happy and how this is hurting my dad and how don't I want things to be better and how we will never accept her and how she tried to leave my dad because of us and how she will call off the marriage and blah blah blah all shit. and I responded very nicely and said thank you for your concern and all, but it doesn't really concern you and we just need time. and then she went off on me again and gave another whole rant. and then blocked me on facebook. for like two days and then unblocked. like what the hell? leave me alone, it doesn't have anything to do with you. you are really not helping by acting like a middle schooler sending me long blackmail like rants and telling me to what to do/think/feel and then blocking me. i'm sorry but I have the right to feel/think/do what I want and my dad not telling me that he was getting married made me upset. maybe I didn't handle it in the best way but i'm only 20 and i'm not perfect. so please cut me some slack. this divorce has not be easy in any way.

and then my dad sent me some email today about how he was watching a movie called "Begin Again" and how he thought of me and hoped we could begin again and that he was sorry he made me upset. and I don't even know what to think of that or how to respond. so stupid.

but Kristen got me through it and helped me with everything. I had talked to him in the morning and made it through Chinese class but then I skipped my communication class and went to the movies with Kristen. but then it turns out I shouldn't have skipped class because we were only there an hour (instead of 3) and didn't do anything and he made sure he knew who wasn't there and we didn't do the little presentations we were supposed to do. but whatever. I didn't want to go and while I still feel bad because I don't usually skip class I needed to just take a break. and a few months from now i'll completely forget about that class so we are good.

umm okay different. let me talk about how last night I went to a punk rock strange concert with Derek and it was cool to see. and then we walked around for an hour trying to find the French concession. and we found it. and it was just really nice and relaxing. there's nothing like romantic or feeling wise going on - I just liked hanging out and talking with him and I felt completely comfortable the whole time. which was really nice and different from what I am used to. I think that's just the kind of guy Derek is, he is just so laid back and open that it is easy to talk to him. hopefully I didn't make a fool out of myself because I one point I said that I didn't think very highly of the boys in this program and after now that I am thinking about it I realize that isn't entirely true, that there are actually a good number of boys who are okay. so I feel bad that I said that. but whatever. but I hope he had a good time, it wasn't all that excited and probably wasn't what he usually does on a Saturday night. but he seems sort of go with the flow so hopefully that was good.

umm what else. I did nothing today because I was super lazy. yesterday roxy took me, Nasser, Lillian who was visiting from Hong Kong, and a friend of Claire's (a girl from babson, i'm sure I talked about her before) Brandon, to this shooting/archery place which was pretty cool. and then I did the whole concert thing with Derek.

Josh was gone in Beijing all weekend. but both times he was on the train, on the way there and back he texted me. I am pretty sure he was just bored and he isn't too good on this texting game and I am sorting giving the minimal amount because I am not really sure where we stand. cause I am trying hard not to have feelings for him. I know it is just like a little crush/infatuation thing but I am trying very hard to keep it at the friend level. especially since he has already gone on two dates with this random Chinese girl he met. but I got him to tell me about it. and he came and visited me after his class/tutoring session the other day and we just talked for a bit. we will see how often I see him next week since he is a home stay student and all. and if he just texts me when he is bored or when he wants to meet up and do something.

oooooh I forgot that I woke up at 8am this morning to get video called into the hotel party tour. which honestly was just sad. I cried during multiple songs. because it wasn't the same not being there. it was so strange. I was just by myself in this room in china watching via bad quality video. it lost a lot of its magic. but I told roxy and she was like "why didn't you tell me! I would have watched with you" so I was thinking about not skyping into the one next weekend that my family is going to, but she said she would watch with me so maybe i'll watch it with her and maybe get Kristen to watch too. but I get to miss all of that drama this week, they will be staying at my house from sunday until Thursday night I believe. and they being: Taylor, Zuri, Kyle, and Jennifer (who I met when I went out to dinner with them way back during the Loud Tour days) she is helping Zuri but apparently there is something going on between her and Kyle which makes things awkward. but I wouldn't know because I am not there.

umm oh another nice story for you. after work on Thursday I walked 20 minutes over to a restaurant where I met two of my friend, Elaina and Gianna and we had all you can eat mini-burgers sliders, French fries, chicken wings, and sangria and it was delicious and also really nice. so that was a highlight. I just really have to make sure I get out of my normal routine. like today I was inside all day but I also needed a down day. what I need to do is start scheduling a weekend trip or two. I need to talk to Roxy, Kristen, and Josh, and maybe Derek too. and maybe Elaina. wow look at me with all my friends, now it is hard to decide who to include in my travel plans. that's fun wooo.

okay game plan molly:
- record your voice recording
- do a little studying for the quiz tomorrow
- shower
- sleep or if you are still awake then organize clothes
awesome team, break!

hiii so i'm not sure what to write, I just felt like I should.

I just got back from a weeklong trip around Guangzhou, Hong Kong, Macau, and Zhuhai. So I am exhausted and I have done nothing all day.

but now I have new friends. it's strange. during the trip, I hung out the whole time with this guy named Josh - I know I know. but he was friends with Roxy so by default I sort of hang out with him a lot. and I get along really well with him actually. he kind of reminds me of ex-boyfriend Josh. which is also really weird. but he's 25 and there's no way it would ever actually work between us - but my thought process is to enjoy being his friend and having him around while we are both here in China.

and then I sort of made another friend, Derek, cause he just started hanging out with us. and then yesterday Kristen, Derek, Josh, and I were supposed to go to a beer festival that Roxy was working at for her internship, but then Josh bailed so it ended up just being Derek, Kristen, and I. and it was fun just talking with him and hanging out with them.

it's strange how you make friends though. like I don't know what made Derek want to hang out with me and all. and I don't know. Kristen doesn't understand why I think I can't make friends or why I am confused when I make friends. but yeah that's still a thing.

the hard part now is transitioning from the trip where we hung out all the time and were great buds to our lives back at the dorm and seeing how that works out. like Josh randomly messaged me today but he didn't really say anything, just sent me a sticker disguised as a voice message and that was that. so I am not sure what the point of that was. I think I might see him tomorrow because he has an internship too and the internship class is going on a field trip.

OH WOW look at me talking about this when I have something more pressing to talk about. like the fact that my dad is engaged and he hasn't told me. yeah. I saw a while ago on facebook that Anna posted something in Chinese about him calling his mom to ask for marriage. and I didn't think too much of it. I was like whatever. and then while I was on the trip, maeve called me and told me that he told her. actually more like he had texted Maura and used the word "fiancé" and Maura told Maeve to warn her. and then he and Anna brought them out to dinner and told them then. and I still haven't been told by him. I can't get texts on my phone but that isn't an excuse because he can viber me, email me, ask my sisters why I am not responding. but then yesterday Anna messaged me on facebook making it sound like my dad was worried and making sure I was okay. yeah i'm fine. thanks so much for your concern. then finally daddy messaged me on viber. still so mad though that he hasn't told me. it has almost been a week. thanks so much, dad.

whatever.

but my lazy day has to end now. time to go get dinner and then I have a presentation to put together for tomorrow. and then i'm sure tonight i'll probably get a call from my dad. that will be fun. can't wait.