guys I leave for china tomorrow at 6am. it doesn't seem real. at all. I am still here on my computer to procrastinate actually finishing everything. it's like I don't want to go. but I do. i'm kind of freaking out. I keep going through mood swings about it. right now I am really nervous and scared and don't want to do anything.

I almost cried saying bye to my dad last night. but then I saw that he put Anna above me as the medical whatever contact. then I kind of remembered the whole situation.

but saying goodbye to maeve and Maura is going to be so hard when I do that in 5 hours. and then when I say goodbye to ellie and get to my mom. it's like I was practically gone this long when I was at school but then I wasn't so far away. ahh the next few days are going to be rough. I don't know what I am doing.

just pray for me.

sooo last night i was in the bathroom and i heard maeve and maura going off on my dad about something he did and then other things he did and how he always did this. and basically attacking him. and for some reason i couldn't stand it. i was trying to hum so i couldn't hear. but then i came out of the bathroom and i told them that they needed to stop doing that and it wasn't helping anything and they were going to have to come with terms with him. and how it is easy to just make him a monster and attack everything he does. it's harder to look at his reasons and not just judge him.

but they didn't agree with me at all. they were just venting about how they feel and how they don't want to be like him.

but it's like they are here in ireland because of him and he is spending all this money on us and doing all this stuff for us but as soon as he leaves the room you talk shit about him? it just doesn't add up in my eyes.

they don't think they are in the wrong. but i think it is easier for them to just attack him and just cast him as the bad guy. i know for sure it would be easier if i could just do that.

but anyways it led to me breaking down and crying because i still have this war in my head that i can't figure out. i have no idea what to think or believe. i could be completely wrong about everything. so basically i was under the covers trying to be quiet while crying while maeve was still talking to me. and then i woke up to a note where she wrote out basically how she knew she should try not to be so angry and attack him like that but she didn't think she was in the wrong. and how i could talk to her about anything.

but it's not that simple is it? it's not about being right or wrong. it's about somehow coming to peace with all of this so we don't feel the need to vent and attack our father even if he says something we don't agree with (i don't agree with a lot of what he said but i guess you realize that his opinion might seem like yours now but it won't be forever) and so we won't break down and cry ourselves to sleep.

oh and then i was freaking out about china and if i don't like it. maura asked me what if i don't like it. and every time daddy starts talking chinese i cringe and am just like no no no. which is going to be great once i get to china and everyone is talking chinese.

anyways now i guess once maeve and maura are ready i'm going to have to say i'm sorry and tell them to forget about it, how my mind is a mess and i don't know what i am doing, and they were fine, and i shouldn't have said anything last night. if only i had kept my mouth shut.

but three more days in ireland. then two days at home. then china. great.

i don't even know where to begin.

i'm in ireland currently. it's been so strange to be thrown back into my father's side of the family after i've tried to distance myself from him. it's like he is the same as he was except for mentions about Anna or her kids. and mommy isn't here. i had managed to avoid any conversation about that shit until today. maeve and maura were at a disco with evelyn and lauren but i'm too old so i got to spend the night with my dad. and he brought up the whole paying for college thing. and how he is only paying 8,000 per semester even though 1/3 is more than that. and then how mommy was dragging out the whole lawyer thing and how much that cost and how that was what he had to do. and basically when i talk to him he makes mommy sound like the bad guy and when i talk to mommy she makes daddy sound like the bad guy. so i have no idea what is the truth. and it's really hard. i know i'm not home a lot of the time, well most of the time, so i don't have to deal with it then. but both mommy and daddy share more with me and than maeve and maura and i have the whole college and money thing to worry about and i just feel so conflicted and torn apart. and it is so hard. and now i am crying. i haven't had a good cry in a while though. i hate this. i hate the stupid fucking divorce. why couldn't it just work and they both be the right people for each other and love each other and make it work and be happy?

sobbing now. at least this song is accurate, listening to Blue by Fever Fever. cause they are all i listen to.

and it make it even better at the end of the night with daddy he drove past where he used to spend his summer where his dad's family lived. and first he was sort of all flustered and upset about the fact that everything that used to be there was gone and there were all these new buildings and it was all built up. and then he starts telling me about his past and how his dad's dad, his grandfather was so strict and how it was strange since my dad's dad was so selfless, my grandfather. and how my grandfather's brother was a deadbeat basically and how when my dad was little his dad's brother molested him and how his mother doesn't even know.

why do you unload that on me?! i don't need to know that. like thanks for sharing and all but i have enough conflicting thoughts and feelings about you already.

so he goes on to tell me how he used to pay with the children of the couple who owned the bar and farm down the street. and how he has 90% good memories from there except for the whole you know he was molested part. and he said while it didn't really mess him up too much it would have messed up his family more if he told them. so he didn't. he was a little boy!

now i am crying again. i'm crying for my dad. and i'm crying for my granddad. that was another moment when we went to visit my granddad's grave and seeing my dad cry and watching as he touched his father's gravestone.

this is not some relaxing vacation. this is a slap in the face that as easy as it is to make my dad into a monster and forget he even exists and just let him run off with his new family, he is still my dad and he has a family and a whole history here and i have family here who still love me even though i haven't talked to them in years.

okay deep breaths. this is all so much. and daddy was asking me about china and my internship and what i want to do with music and if i thought about a&r and if i wanted a house with land and horses or if i wanted to be in the city and what if i liked china so much i wanted to stay and i don't have it all figured out yet okay. i am just trying to make it through this trip. as much as i want to know the answer to everything, i can't. i'm leaving for china in a week. i don't think i am ready at all. i just want to curl up in my bed at home and sleep for days. but i don't even have days when i get home. then i'll be off to china.

i'm having one of those freak outs now. i don't want to go to china. i just want to stay home. i need to stop. i really just need sleep. it's been a long night. a long day.

i'll just listen to fever fever and go to sleep. actually i might start looking up flights from china to australia. to visit my more of my long lost family.

quick update: my mom and i drove straight through the night to get home last night, it took 20 hours with a few break. left at noon nashville time got home at 9:30am eastern time. so that was awesome.

tomorrow i leave for ireland. is 24 hours i'll be sitting on the plane waiting for it to take off or taking off.

two weeks until i leave for china. wow.

i can't stop listening to fever fever's new album.

i really should be sleeping right now.

i am currently sitting in the office of rounder records on my last day of work. I really have nothing to do. so I am just trying to pass the time.

I feel like this would be a good time to do a little reflection. or just write about whatever I want. I had lunch with liza and matt which was good. and I mentioned how I might want to go on tour next summer and liza was like we might be able to do that for you. and she already told tracy who mentioned that she would be able to do that if I come back. so next summer is already looking promising between that and everyone I've met here i'll definitely be able to land an awesome internship/job/on the road gig next summer. well at least I hope so. but look at me already looking ahead to next summer.

last night I had a Skype call with two guys I'm going to be working with for my internship. so originally I applied to work with Split Works, a promoter, but now I'm working for a spin off for them called Scorched which is a booking agency. I talked to the two guys over there and it sounded awesome. I'm excited to go and work there and learn everything and help them and do things!

maybe it was my fault, but I felt like I could have done a lot more at rounder. look at me here with a full day of nothing. it was sort of my fault because I never really broke up of my shell here or felt comfortable. which makes it hard. and I am kind of mad at myself because I think I had some great opportunities here that I sort of wasted. but hey maybe if I tour with one of their artists next summer i'll have the chance to look even better in their eyes and they can help me. because tracy for example has worked as  head of A&R in all the major labels and signed Miranda Lambert who is huge. so I really should be closer to her. but at least she knows my name and now she knows I hope to tour. but the internship in China will be amazing for me, I hope. it sounds like it. but since the Skype call was at 9:30pm last night I was actually over Erin's friends house for movie night so I had to bring my laptop and go in one of their rooms to talk to them. so that was kind of fun and cool, me working and getting things done and all. I'm kind of excited to have things to do and balance that with my life and everything. but before that I had two weeks to "relax" in Ireland.

but really rounder was what it was and I'm grateful for it. I'm ready to move forward. I just have to get through about 5 more hours and then some awkward goodbyes/thank yous. and then after that I'm going to live on the green. and then I'm picking my mom up from the airport. and then I have to get all my stuff together. and then I'm driving back home. and then I'm flying to Ireland. that's crazy that in like 3/4 days i'll be in Ireland. and I'm sure that will go by quickly and then finally i'll be in china!

I'm so excited for my life. I'm doing what I want to and living my life. I can do whatever. I can get through anything. like this is awesome.

okay marketing meeting in 9 minutes which will take up an hour and then I have 4 more hours to kill. or maybe i'll try to get out of work early. that could potentially work too but ehhh I would feel kind of awkward. we will see what happens. i'll try to update you again soon about my life.

6 Questions to Ask When Your Life's About to Change

1. Where Am I?

Where am I emotionally?
Where am I physically?
Where am I financially?
Where am I relationally?
Where am I spiritually?

This is difficult. But I'll start with the easier ones.

Financially - I am relying on my parents to fund my college tuition. Right now I have enough money personally to get me through next semester in China. I actually figured this all out and broke it up so it was a third, a third, a third between my parents and I. Then I find out that actually my dad is only paying 8,000 a semester which is less than a third. but basically my mom said i could keep all the money in my account for spending in china - which is about 2,000. i will probably spend all of that in china. after that i will have to start working next semester for sure. because soon i will have to be paying off student loans. so right now i am okay. i have enough to make it by next semester if i still to the budget i made. after that i have to make sure i get a good paying job with enough hours if i want to pay my share for college and begin paying off my loans.

Relationally - I am single. i almost wrote happily single but i need to be honest with myself. in my head i know it is the right thing to be single right now and to be that way at least through this semester. but in my heart i am lonely and just want someone to be interested. i don't know. but basically i am okay with the fact that i am single and have no potentials either. with my friends, i have to remember to work at my friendships because it is so easy for me to let them slip away when it isn't convenient. but i have amazing friends.

Spiritually - I have been reawaken to God and that whole shabang. i am still figuring out where i stand religiously and spiritually. i have been thinking about God a whole lot more since i've been in Nashville.

Physically - I am in good health. I could probably work out some more to make me stronger but overall i am healthy and i am happy where i am physically.

Emotionally - I am doing well. I am working on strengthening myself emotionally. I still have mood swings and low points but overall i am pretty stable and well.

2. What Do I Need to Leave Behind?

I need to stop thinking about Abby and Josh and the friendships I lost there. I don't know if giving that money to Abby was a good idea or not. but i did it and i hope her to best. and Josh made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to me. so I need to stop thinking about them and leave them behind. I am on to bigger and better things. it will be easier when i am in China, I have just had a lot of time to think while in Nashville.

Also I am so excited to leave behind social media. I feel right now like I'm a slave to them constantly checking. so it will be amazing to not have to check that all the time. goodbye facebook and twitter.

3. Who Do I Want to Be and How am I Going to Get There?

I want to be one of those girls who is just confident in herself and so opening and welcome and authentic that people are just drawn to her and they are fascinated by how she is just herself and how she is happy and how she makes other people glow too. I want to be aware of others and how I affect them and I want to affect them positively. I want to have a strong sense of self and self-worth and self-love. I want to feel like I can do anything. I want to be ready to take on the world and move into my next phase.

and now how am i going to get there? by opening myself up in China and letting myself experience new things and meet new people. by being honest with myself and being comfortable in my own skin no matter where i am. by knowing that i am strong and talented and smart. and by looking out for other people as well as myself. and by just being the best me i can. and by learning.

4. Where is There Room For Growth?

I think I am holding myself back by keeping myself withdrawn in myself. I need to allow myself to branch out and just go for it. To stop being my own worst enemy.

5. Who Do I Want By My Side?

My mom. Maeve. Maura. Roxy. Ellie. Amelie. Emma. I think those are the people who are really going to stick by me so I need to stick by them.

6. What Are My Motivations?

Why? Why am I going to China? For myself. So I can become a better person and in turn help others. I need to better myself and do this for myself so I can be the kind of person who always lifts other people up and helps them. I am going here so I can become more capable for whatever comes my way.


I feel like that was kind of cheesy and I didn't really get to the root of anything. But it might have helped a bit. I also was rushing through it because it was taking a long time.

hi, i owe you a post. i don't even know where to start. let me see what the last thing i wrote was.

okay wow, drama with Joy - haven't heard from her and i'm glad, i don't need to talk to her, and meetings with people.

okay so since then my family has been here...when i say family i mean my mom and sisters. and they were here for a week. that was great because i was with them the whole time. i love them so much and i am glad i was able to spend so much time with them. by the end i was ready for a break though. and i am worried about maeve, i dont know if she has depression, but she will just snap and get in this horrible mood and it's so strange, it happened to her twice and it was over nothing. and she realizes she is getting upset over nothing but she says she can't control it. so i don't know. i am hoping therapy will help her, our dad went and talked to her therapist, and then her therapist called mommy and wants to talk to her too. i really just want maeve to be happy. i am starting to cry. you know how much my sisters mean to me. and to see maeve unhappy and there is nothing i can do about it. well i think i helped. i tried. i am going to be in ireland with them so hopefully i can help diffuse any situations there as well. now i can tell when it is happening. but that is just a mess.

but they left and i was hoping i would just go back to life in nashville. but i just feel ready to leave now. last night i went to a show with erin to see her friends, one of the guys that she has been having problems with and i don't know. i just felt removed from it all like i didn't belong. i'm sick and tired of being awkward and not fitting in and just being known as Erin's roommate. i'm ready for something new. i am sick of the whole going to shows, trying to network, trying to get people to like me, trying to make friends. like i just want to be myself and to feel comfortable and to feel like i belong. maybe that will be in china. or maybe it would happen here if i stayed longer. but right now i'm ready to leave. so ready. but i still have five more days...

don't get me wrong, i still love nashville and i've loved being here. maybe it would be different if i had more friends than just Erin. yeah sure, maybe Aimee and Faith are my friends too but not really that close. Corey was getting there but she is gone now. and i just am sick of being...i don't know, being thought of second? an after thought? just sort of here...but no one really cares that i am here? yeah i think that hit it on the head...the fact that i can be somewhere but no one really cares or pays me any attention, i could not be there and it wouldn't change anything. i know erin will miss me and i am glad i was able to have a positive effect on her life - or at least i hope i did. but for everyone else? it will be like i wasn't even here and give it a month and they will completely forget about me. i think that is what i am realizing since the last week i was sort of removed from everything since my family was here and i was spending all my time with them. maybe it would change if i stayed longer but i am sick of it right now and maybe these just aren't my people. maybe once i go to china i'll find my people.

will i come back to Nashville? most definitely. will i spend next summer here or live here? maybe not. maybe so. if the right opportunity came up and i needed to be here, i would be happy to come back to Nashville. but would i come back here no matter what and feel like i need to live here? no. i will be happy no matter where i am. Nashville wasn't a game changer in the sense that i need to live here.

am i glad i came? yes. i needed this. this is me growing up. this is me taking steps to being more comfortable with who i am. no, it's not perfect. i'm not 100% there but i'm getting there. look at me. i moved to a completely new city by myself where i only knew one person - and before my family came here i could count the number of times i saw him on one hand. i did this all on my own. i found this internship. i got a house. i paid my rent. yes, i had support from other people. but that doesn't discredit my hard work. i am amazing. and now it's time for me to leave Nashville so i can be amazing elsewhere. next is to go to Ireland with my family and to be there for them. and then it is to go to China for myself so i can find myself even more and i can see how freaking strong i am and how i can do anything. after moving to a new city for a summer by myself and studying across the globe for three and a half months - what can't i do?

guys, do you see what is happening? if you read this straight through from the beginning to now, do you see me growing up? do you see me being the strong woman i am meant to be? i am destined for greatness. i will be there soon. actually, i am great now.

just a few more days here and i'm onto my next adventure. bring it on.