hi so it's new years eve and i'm in bed in my room by myself. i could be down stairs with maeve and her friend kayla but ehhh i was with them for a bit but i'm tired. i'll probably be asleep before 12.

i was having a mental breakdown earlier today but i think i'm okay now. we will see how it goes.

but i wanted to write this post to reflect on 2013 and to write down my goals. so let's see what the blog holds.

but wow, i'm going to have 5 complete years of this blog soon. that's a lot.

OH RIGHT. my mind was not in the right place. my mom had told me earlier that it was exactly a year ago today that Taylor was waking up at our house and eating breakfast at outlook. but for some reason i was thinking i spent new years at Josh's. oh wow. that was when things started going south very quickly. he was mad that i didn't spend new years with him. and instead i stayed home crying.

wow, you should just go read that series of events on December 30, 2012. that was some day that Boston concert. anyways let's see what i wrote about in January.

January:
- had to sit through the Hobbit and was really mad at Abby
- my relationship with josh was basically shit
- i wanted to go to california for spring break (ha)
- i still loved Taylor Mathews
- i couldn't wait to go back to school
- i was working out every day (yeah so strong)
- shit with the parents

February:
- my gramma died :(
- i cried a lot
- R5 and Taylor Mathews saved me
- filmed our Falling for You music video (which was 20,021 views right now)

March:
- Abby was no longer a viewer on this blog
- still downhill with the boyfriend
- discovered Alex Aiono
- i only posted twice this month

April:
- yeah abby and i officially not really friends, wooo
- josh's mom posted shit about me on facebook, final straw really
- josh and i broke up
- FME woo!
- applied for summer jobs
- had a guy ask me to dance at a party (just saying but every time i see him around campus now, i think of that)
- Taylor Mathews & Alex Aiono & Loud Tour (the best days were the concert days and the anticipation leading up to them)

May:
- back home for a week (a.k.a. dealing with family shit)
- Taylor Mathews kickstarter
- got my camp counselor job
- more Taylor Mathews

June:
- i didn't post anything...but i was at school learning Chinese and then in China! woot woo!
- then i started camp
- Taylor Mathews called me on my birthday

July:
- camp norwhich was my life
- i wanted friends
- found out my dad has a girlfriend
- gave a guy my number who never texted or contacted me at all (f u)

August:
- the amazing Taylor Swift/AJR/R5 concert NJ road trip (even though AJR never performed but we met them!)
- KTK!!!!!!
- Megan & Liz concert then Alex Goot/KTK etc. (two times, once with AJR performing)
- grampa died while we were in NYC ):

September:
- started sophomore year of college
- started working on my music fan website idea
- Abby defriend me from facebook (or i just found out)
- equestrian team
- won the mix 93.1 video contest

October:
- video chatted with Taylor Mathews
- our uncle chris came back into our lives
- tried talked to josh on facebook...that failed
- social media break for a month
- thought i was bcced on something for Tay's honor club...really it was just emailed to me along with everyone else...wow so dumb
- found out my roommate was cutting herself
- KTK
- midterms
- AJR concert
- met my dad's girlfriend

November:
- drove home for Maeve's birthday
- more shit with the parents, aka with the dad
- Kozmo!
- shit of a thanksgiving

December:
- somehow managed to get through finals and christmas
- now

okay that took a while. really the only good parts of this year were when i was at a concert. i mean school wasn't all that bad mostly, but it is nothing to brag about. but honestly most everything else sucked...i broke up with my boyfriend, both my grandparents died, there was a ton of shit with the divorce and parents. okay i did go to china, that was awesome. and camp wasn't bad all the time, i loved most of the girls, not really the other counselors though. and that's basically my year.

okay this is what i want my year to look like next year:

January:
- Leaderclips internship
- Puppy sitting!
- Started MS Cure Fund internship

February:
- Taylor Mathews!
- ParadiseFears/Sunderland concert
- making money with the internships!
- hear back from some of the summer internships i applied to

March:
- relaxing, no drama spring break
- Demi Lovato concert
- Imagine Dragons concert

April:
- marking more money!
- figure out the plan for the summer!

May:
- finish sophomore year!
- move to Cali/Nashville for an internship in the music industry

June:
- internship!

July:
- internship!

August:
- internship!
- home then prepare for China!

September:
- start junior year!
- China study abroad!

October:
- China study abroad!

November:
- China study abroad!

December!
- China study abroad!
- home and the holidays

Okay so it is a rough sketch, but for most part of it, i'm not even home. it's going to be a big year for me. big transitions and growing up. hopefully.

Maeve just came in and said goodnight and happy new years, Kaya and her are going to sleep and it's 11:12pm at night. at the rate i'm writing this blog it will be next year by the time i'm done.

okay let's get some goals and resolutions and things to work on then we can be done:

- save $5,000 by working and have it in my checking account by the end of April
- have a summer internship in the music industry

- take control of myself -> my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions
- stop complaining
- stop comparing myself to others
- have internal security
- build self awareness
- reach out to build relationships and really care about how they are doing
- choose happiness

so really i just want to be happy with myself and more secure with who i am so no one or no thing can shake me.

sounds good. okay i should get ready to sleep. goodnight, 2013.

i just wanted to say, Merry Christmas. appreciate what you have and your family. give them an extra hug. okay?

this is the first christmas that i can remember, maybe since i was born, that the whole family isn't together. our first christmas without gramma and grampa. i didn't realize how sad that was until today. my mom started crying after she read the christmas card from my dad's cousin in hong kong who always writes a novel about their past year. and they wrote about how they traveled everywhere and blah blah. i'm not sure why she cried about that. maybe because she wishes she could give us that kind of life. i hope not. because i am happy with the life i have. but then she started crying when she read the card from her sister which mentioned gramma and grampa. and now i'm starting to cry. i miss them so much. maeve and maura wore some of their old sweaters today. and i really do miss them. i know they are still looking down and watching us though. they leave us coins to find. gramma leaves pennies, grampa leaves quarters, and my mom's mom Marielle leaves dimes. i keep all of them when i find them. it is nice to know they are still with us but i miss them and wish they were here.

but we survived christmas eve at our dad's house. and we have christmas tomorrow. still not used to do the split holidays. but we might have managed to get new years at home instead of at the lake. anyways i should stop crying and go to sleep.

i love you gramma and grampa and i miss you. thank you for being there for us.

hi so i'm thinking that tour managing for king the kid might not be the best idea. all of you reading this are probably like, duhh about time you figured that out. i really don't know them at all. while they are all really nice and all that is just what i have seen from the one time i met them from a fan's point of view. like today david posted something about getting high and 4:20 and all. and i'm like...do i really even know these kids? i can not deal if they are smoking weed all the time. not that i think they do, but still. i don't know. i said i was going to wait two weeks before i emailed them again anyways. now i might not email them again at all. the chance to be a tour manager will come up with it's the right time.

now though i have to get moving on my internship applications. ahhh!

other than that, i'm learning guitar. i think i'm doing well for only playing three days. except for the fact that my fingers hurt so much. they hurt right now typing this because of the guitar. but i push on because it is so addicting and i just want to keep playing and getting better. so hopefully by the end of this vacation i will be good enough that i won't be embarrassed to play in front of people and i will actually want to play in front of people. and i can play Say Something on the piano now too! Maeve was playing it on the guitar, Maura was on one keyboard and i was on the other and we all played it! it wasn't perfect but it was fun! and we actually made music and yayy!

umm also my dad wanted to bring his girlfriend to christmas eve. and then he tried to guilt trip us when we didn't want her to be there. and kept asking why. like ummm maybe the fact that we aren't okay with seeing our dad with another woman and it's just weird having her be there for family stuff. like why can't you just be okay with us being there? why does she have to be there too? and the excuse that she would be alone is not valid at all because mommy is home alone too. and then after we said we didn't want her there for christmas eve, he asks if it would be okay if she was there for new years eve....actually more that i think about this, no way. because first of all maeve and maura are sleeping over, so she would sleep over too and i can't even think about that. and then the whole new years kiss, i can't have him there and kiss her. no. no. no. so when he asks again, we will say that we don't want her there and if he would rather spend new years with her, that's fine, we will stay home where we would rather be anyways. the only reason why we hang out with him is because we have to. well i don't, but i can't just leave maeve and maura alone. it sucks so much. and i don't know what it sounds like when i write it all out - but what i write doesn't even really capture how horrible it feels.

gah life. it's 9:30 and i'm so exhausted. i should just get up and get ready to go to sleep.

okay i should be sleeping because it's past 11 and i'm going to wake up at 7 so i can study tomorrow morning for finals. but there is something i need to talk about.

okay so i was stupid and procrastinating finals and i saw King the Kid asking about who to tour with in 2014 so i sent them a spur of the moment email about me being their tour manager. yeah so much for finishing the music book and having a nice planned out email. stupid molly.

but they responded. and asked for more about me and about how my personality is more important than my business qualifications. so once again i was stupid and responded quickly and i gave some stupid response and included all the links to my social media.

and no response and it's been over 24 hours. they responded really quickly last time. so now i'm worried. but i really shouldn't be because i know it's a long shot anyways and probably won't happen. but the fact that there is hope that it could happen is what drives me crazy. like honestly though king the kid, can you just email me and tell me there is no way i could ever be your tour manager because that would be better than waiting in limbo here.

okay now i need to get ready for sleep. one last push tomorrow. lots to do tomorrow morning actually. we will see how that goes.

goodnight!

can i just say i had so much fun at dinner tonight. there were 11 of us but we had to split up. so at my table it was Sarah B, Emma, Michelle, Amelie, Amelie's friend Paulina, and myself. and of course we had a cute waiter. and he was awesome, he said something like "let me get that for you" in a british accent just out of nowhere. and we were just laughing the whole dinner. and then we wrote him a little diagram of who was sitting where and gave him all of our numbers. and we were just dying laughing the whole time. it was just a lot of fun.

my friends are awesome. just saying.

now i could talk about how i want to have someone to flirt with and stuff, i'm not going to. i'm just going to leave it with how awesome my friends are.

and my life is crazy lately but i don't really feel like writing about it. i think i'm going to get ready to go to sleep. but just know you're missing out on a lot.

oh by the way, his name is Benson.

is it bad that I had the chance to go out and just chill at greg's with amelie and michelle and Emily and sarah and emma and I didn't go? or I could have went to joe's and just chilled there. but I didn't do that either. I am just in my bed by myself. and i'm going to either watch this movie That Thing You Do because taylor Mathews posted about it or i'm going to watch tv shows or i'm going to go to sleep. how lame.

but I figure out why I will never be a dancer. because I don't love the pain. I read an article about how everyone wants basically the same things - happiness, a job they love, financial security, love, or what not. but the real thing is that people are willing to do to get that. people are entrepreneurs because they love the pain of putting all their energy and effort into this new idea that may or may not work. and creating something. people who dance love putting all their effort into long nights practicing and working out and building their stamina. people who ride love bundling up the cold and going to the barn everyday and cleaning out the stalls. okay maybe not love - but they enjoy it more than other people and can deal with the pains - so they reap the rewards. for example, people who are fit actually enjoy going to the gym and working out. while everyone wants to be fit, few people actually enjoy and can stick with going to the gym everyday and pushing themselves.

so there are so many things I could be - if I could figure out how to love the pain.

it's all about what you are willing to put up with and endure.