dear future molly,

have a wedding like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0 If for some reason that link doesn't work, find Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance. (:

from,

molly right now

hey. you're kinda of cute. yeah. you.

hahaha. XD

anyways why i am writing this blog? not sure. well i do know why because i want you to try to understand my mind a bit better. like how come i think Sawyer's hair cut made him look even cuter and how just last week i was thinking to myself about how he needed to cut it. he did cut it and he looks very cute. and i did notice thank you very much. and i swear he was going to talk to me in english class today. he didn't but i thought he was going to. i was sitting in the row closet to the window, second seat back. i was on the one really over there, the other people were in the row next to me. Sawyer went and stood right in front of the first desk so he was facing me and he looked sort of like he wanted to say something but he didn't. then Devin started talking to him and he went over there. why didn't i say anything? mostly because i wasn't thinking about saying anything then. i need to plan. plus the thought didn't cross my head. i should of said something though. but that's in the past. next time i'll say something. but what is the strangest thing that happened today that is still relating to Sawyer is what happened on facebook. ooooo facebooook. i'll copy and paste for ya so you get the full effect:

Molly Ronan today is the first of winter. i was ready for winter to be done weeks ago.

about an hour ago · Comment ·

Nancy Ronan

But the days will start getting longer after today!

56 minutes ago · Delete

Sawyer Thompson

it's the first of winter? seriously? that's really sad

54 minutes ago · Delete

you see? first my mother commented then Sawyer commented. but that also means my mother got a notice, alert, whatever saying that someone also commented on their status. hopefully my mother doesn't say something asking who he is because then what i am going to say? oh he's just some guy that i use to be on a quest to make friends with but we don't talk at school and this is actually the first time he has talked to me almost ever online or offline. that would make her shut up. i wonder what he thinks about me but i don't care what people think so yeah.

what else? ohhh. i got new glasses. i'm trying to make myself like them. i tell myself i look sophisticated and hot and older in them. yeah it depends. sometimes when i look at myself in them i think i look amazing but then other times i think they look like crap. three people said something about them. only one said they liked them. but whatever. i don't care what other people think.

a week from tomorrow and glee comes out on DVD. i really can not wait for that day. and i'm thinking of helping Abby organize her holiday party because she seemed excited for that back when she first thought of it but she hasn't gotten around to organizing it yet so i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to help her. anyways i think that is all i have to say. i was thinking about writing something about death but that is such a yucky topic that i'd rather just stay positive and leave all that deep stuff for another day. i'll just leave it at all the shallow little teenage girl stuff today instead of showing my other "deep" side a.k.a. my i think way too much about stuff side.

someday a boy/guy/man will serenade me with a song that includes my name because my name isn't Caroline so they can't sing me Sweet Caroline so they will have to find another song or make one up and sing it to me with my name in it.

hey. hey. hey. hey. hey.

i'm not sure what i want to talk about. so i'll write a list. history day. making gingerbread houses. science class today. elementary school. keeping on keeping on.

i'll start with history day even though i'm a bit behind and i'm not really feeling this way anymore, well sort of. mostly i think it was yesterday or maybe the day before or before that or whatever when we got out history day grades back. i got an 87. i wish it was higher but whatever. someone in my class got 100. i don't think their project deserved an 100, i think Ms. Carpenter just liked it. but what really was no good was when someone said they got a 91 in homeroom and he got beaten down like "ha! i got a 93 or 97 or 100" or whatever and the 91-er started to feel bad about his 91. yeah i didn't mention my 87. but what makes it all better is that i am moving on in history day with my 87 while those people with their 90s and 100s aren't. yep.

what's next on my list? oh right. today was very good after school before Abby came over and it was just wonderful. and i don't feel like writing a blog anymore even though i have a lot of good stuff to talk about. i think i am going to work on my story.

hey hey hey heeeeeyyy your lipstick stains...

yeah i don't wear lipstick.

i just watched Abby perform again. and now i feel like crying? yeah that doesn't have anything to do with watching Abby perform. well it probably does because everything is connected and even though i'm not sure exactly why i am feeling what i am feeling right now i'm sure it is connected to everything, EVERYTHING, that has happened in my life. because things just connect to other things like that.

i wish i could read you mind. not in a creeperish way. but then if i did then i would become influenced by what you think. i would want to please you and make you think good thoughts about me. then i wouldn't be me anymore. i would become controlled by your thoughts. well i could become controlled by your words but i'm not. i have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking. i have to stop being so insecure about my friendships with people. i need to shut up and suck it up. i need to accept that everyone has flaws and i shouldn't be so picky when picking friends because well i lucked out once and i can't expect to luck out again. i have my one.

what are the odds that you person you will spend the rest of your life with is at your high school? hm. let me go look up the total population of the world. it was estimated on this day for there to be 6.803 billion people in this world. let's say about half are of the gender you prefer. that makes 3.4015 billion people of the opposite gender. well you can wipe out about half of them because they are either extremely young or extremely old. that makes 1.70075 BILLION people, a billion is that many -> 1000000000000, how the hell are you supposed to find "the one"? and right to answer the original question - i would say there are maybe 1,000 students in hampshire regional, 500 of the correct sex. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. not to say it isn't possible because it is. it most definitely (spelled right) is.

this is a strange blog. i was going to talk about the show and how much i just like seeing abby perform and how i don't normally like to see her after the show. i like to see her and talk to her because that makes me feel like i matter to her and such but she is also overwhelmed by the amount of people and i just want her to breath and relax. plus what are you supposed to talk about when you are just standing around in a hallway surrounded by other people doing the same thing? i just find it awkward. plus she has other people to talk to. but why am i talking about that?

how about i talk about how i missed Abby saying happy birthday to my mother. i'm guessing she said it during intermission when i was out and about with my sisters. yep. i always go to these things with my two younger sisters and mother. i would like to say i'm fine with that and in a way i am but no buts. that's it. okay.

oh! i know what else i wanted to talk about. the lovely ring on my finger right now. i'm not wearing it because i love high school and they are the best years of my life. ha. ha. ha. no. i'm wearing it as a reminder that i'm going to get out of this place. i'm going to be bigger and better than this little public high school in the middle of nowhere. don't get me wrong, i love the middle of nowhere and i'm going to have a house here, one of many. and please realize that when i say all of these goals, i know i'm going to get there and i also know it isn't going to be easy and my plans and goals might change a bit. but whatever my goal is, i'm going to get there no matter how long it takes. i hope when i read this again i will be able to feel the determination that my fingers and heart felt when i was writing this down. i'm determined. i just have to be passionate about it and it's going to happen. like finishing my novel before 2010? right now i don't have the determination, i don't have the passion but i'm going to change that now. hey molly guess what? you're going to finish a novel in 2009.

okay now that we have that all settled. the next subject in my head would be to talk about how Steph was all like "if you're in middle school you shouldn't need your parents there to have a shot" when i told her that parents came to be with their kids when they got their shots. um Steph i find that offensive because guess what? i'm in 10th grade and i need my mother there when i get a shot. i hate shots. my mother has put off me getting a shot for two years now that my doctor has wanted me to get because i hate shots. and also because she doesn't think i'll be having sex any time soon. correct there mother! i'm lucky if i even talk to a guy. not that my mother and i have ever talked about sex or marriage or anything like that. not that i want to either. we have a sort of understanding i guess or maybe it's not an understanding at all. she's not the parent that i just go to and tell her everything. i wasn't going to even tell her that i got an 87 on history day project while someone else in my class got an 100. but i did. i wonder what she thinks about me. actually i don't. i don't care what people think from now on. from now on i'm going to stop caring about what people think because i'm not going to let the thoughts that they think but i can't hear rule my life because that is what i'm doing. i'm letting their thoughts, that i can't even hear, rule my life. i'm better than that. i'm above that. so no more.

easier said than done.

i'm starting to break one of my habits. the habit of wrapping my arms around me when i walk around the hallways at school. i feel like that symbolizes my little shell that i hide in. i need to break it open. so whenever i catch myself "hugging" myself i make myself put my arms down. i don't really know if that accomplishes anything but at least it makes me feel like i'm doing something towards showing everyone who i really am.

wait a second. who ever said that you need to show everyone who are you through your speech and actions? why couldn't i just write it down? oh right because society expects you to speak and you don't have a speech bubble above your head, you have to do the actual speaking and the actual acting. you can't just sit at your little chair and type away everything that you want to say and everything that you think. stupid society. i think you need to rethink a bit because you are completely discriminating against those who would prefer to just write everything down.

i don't want to write everything down. i want to be loud. i want to talk. i want my voice to be heard in people's ears not in their eyes. why? i don't know. speaking and writing are two different things. why not stick with what i'm good at - writing? maybe because the message is different when it is words on paper. there is only so much of a person's voice you can hear through 2D words on a piece of paper or computer screen. but there are advantages to writing down too, at least for me but those are advantages that are situational. i could get them from speaking. like saying what i want to and figuring out exactly what i say and feel. but that doesn't really happen when i write either. i just find it easier. who should take the easier path? but how come people who find speaking easier don't have to write all the time. it's unfair to us writers. again this society should have a major change here in my favor.

no i don't want society in my favor. that would be like having everything handed to you. i want to fight for what i want. people might say that is stupid but i don't think so. you can either earn something or be given something. i'd rather earn it.

i'm rather go to sleep. it's 10:00. i've been writing for a long time and i don't think anyone will be able to understand half of that other than me. it's in molly thought code. barely anyone understands it. i barely understand it. great.

i just had a thought - what would people think if they read this? not a good thought. not a good one. because i don't care what people think anymore. i need to stop thinking those thoughts. i don't care what they think.

truth? i still do care.

starting to freak out.

i have a lesson at mt. holyoke today and it's scary. i wasn't that nervous about it until maeve was going. maeve is stressing and freaking out and it is stressing and freaking me out and ah. i just want to get it done with or just cancel it please.

here's a story that will never come true. but it is the type of story that i think of early in the morning.

okay so i have no idea how i started thinking of this story so i'm just going to sort of jump to where i remember. hopefully i remember correctly. remember i thought of this at seven in the morning while getting dressed. don't know why but i thought i should record it and it is something to do instead of homework or my novel. i need to stop procrastination. anyways here is the story.

crap. i'm forgetting already. this sucks. something about how Keith - yeah yeah i don't know why him - had a crush on me all through high school. - hahaha okay i'll stop interrupting - this is where it gets fuzy though. we become friends after high school, great friends. - i am seeing this like Keith is telling his children this story or something like that - and Keith asked me to marry him and i said no because i didn't love him and he didn't love me. he never talked to me again. i tried to contact him multiple times and even went to his house and he never responded. then i went to Europe and never saw him again. and then he tells his children that me saying no was the best thing that had ever happened to him because i was right and he wasn't in love but he is in love now and he calls over to his wife and says something. then his children, like teenagers, ask him if he ever talked to me again and he said he didn't and they get all on his case about how he should contact me again and they ask what my name is. when he says what it is one of the children freaks about because she is doing a school project on me. she has my book - this blog - and is doing a project on me and such since i am so successful. and he is like really? does she have any children? and yes i do. can i read the book? and he reads it and then he comes to my house because i'm living in Westhampton at the time and he isn't far and he knocks on my door and I say "it's about time" and then we become friends again.

woooo! wasn't that a wonderful story. yeah not really. it seems sort of retarded now that i just wrote it all out but hey that's what thoughts are for - the retarded things you don't say out loud or the other retarded stuff that you don't say out loud.

when i'm just out and about i look at people or cars driving past and i wonder what their story is. what did they look like when they were a teenager? what are they thinking about now? what is their major concern? who loves them?

it's like a disease.

i'm so tired right now. i had a horrible night. i kept waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. i can't swallow a freaking pill. it's really cold outside and i have to go have a lesson where i am going to get my butt kicked. i don't want to go. i want to lie in my bed all day and do nothing.

back aches and quests.

so my back hurts. it's probably a good thing i didn't sleep over Abby's today. yeah.

i just got home from watching Abby perform which is always wonderful. i love watching Abby perform and it is even more wonderful today because i got to see her walk around while talking into a microphone. Abby is so talented that she can multitask like that. Highlight of the show.

Anyways I thought it was wonderful all together. Some people are better at improving than others and they sort of have that charisma but i also love the people who maybe don't get the most laughs because well they are up there and doing it. they are on a stage in front of a bunch of people and they are on the spot. amazing.

yep. so i'm going to keep working on my whole confidence/outgoing stuff. maybe i'll set up a quest of some sort for myself? yeah but i say that now but i know it will probably never really work. but maybe just maybe this is will still be my year. i could say i'll wait until next year but why not now? what makes next year better than Monday? yeah nothing. right now all that is holding me back is myself. wowza.

apart from Abby my favorite person out of the whole Improv Alliance is Bret from South Hadley. Ha. Said it. see i'm already getting more outgoing. not really. that's a lie since i'm typing this out and the only person who can read this is Abby and she will love me no matter what I say or do because she knows i will never say or do anything that will make her not love me. or at least that is what i believe.

i'm really tired right now and i should go up to bed. i'm going to go pick out new glasses this weekend. i hope i can survive with this lovely pain in my back that will be with me for five to seven days. wonderful.

yep. so maybe i'll set off on a quest of some sort to break open this shell of mine. eventually.

read this. it's scary accurate.

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/cancer.htm

i want to start editing my novel. i want to think of submitting it to a publisher. i want to get it from createspace in my hands.

instead i have to finish it.

hi. how are you today? i'm alright. sort of tired and i want to just give up. just like stop everything and say "woah this whole life thing? it's not for me".

i'm not going to give up though. i'm not a quitter. i am probably one of the most determined people you will ever meet. give me a goal, a challenge, anything and i'll do all in my power to accomplish it. competitive? sure but i don't let it get the best of me. seriously. i know when it's not worth my effort. at least i like to think i do but i don't always get everything right.

i need to be doing algebra homework or maybe start on some TCN but instead i'm writing this blog to help me focus myself again.

i wrote more 50,000 words in a month. wow. i'm amazing. but i've always known that. the goal is to not forget it because well, you are amazing too.

i haven't finished the novel and that is a bit scary because i don't know if i will ever finish it. i've always started books and novels and such and never finished them.

correction. i'm going to finish this book and i'm going to finish it before the first day of 2010. thank you very much.

is it bad that i decided not to go to the barn because it is freezing out? i sort of wanted to because i wanted to escape this house with my stressing family. maeve needs to learn some stress management and how to just get things done. i think that will come with time though.

i don't want to go back to school tomorrow. even though today it sort of felt like i belonged and was supposed to be there i guess. it was sort of strange. but now that i am home i know that i was wrong. i'm better than high school and i don't want to go back again. i don't even have abby in any of my classes and i won't see her at all tomorrow and even when i do see her it's like we barely even have anything to talk about and it's just stupid. especially since she is the only friend i have right now. except for stephanie and katelyn but i'm not sure if they should count. but what the heck are you suppose to count friends by? does it even matter? i'm sure it doesn't because well i'm going to be better than most if not all of the people in that school when i grow up. i'm going to have multiple books published but that isn't going to be how i make a living. i'm going to be a business woman and i'm not going to let my ears hurting on the landing of a plane or my inner fear of flying to keep me from traveling.

oh and now Ian and Keith and who knows who else knows that i wrote a novel because that's all Devin was talking about today. she would always tell about her success and include mine in it. so if i remember right i think Keith said he would buy it if i published it or something like that. well i probably won't publish it and you'll probably forget about it by the time i actually finish it. and what is this the first time you've talked to me all year? righy-o. and no Ian it is not about horses biting each other flanks. yeah thanks but no. and thanks Devin for spreading it around because i'm not sure i even want anyone to read it yet.

i think i am more focused and calm and relaxed. but i'm also exhausted. it's eight oclock. i want to go to sleep right now but instead i'm going to keep working on homework. yeah. not going to finish it so i'll do it in study hall tomorrow.

oh so Ian asks me to help him with his homework when i have study hall some days so he asked me in spanish today if i had study hall today and i told him i didn't so he tried to have me help him with it right then but we didn't have time and i'm told him that i'd come up during office aide and help him but i never did. i felt bad. i meant to say something to him but i didn't. so it was sort of like i stood him up. ha. and no don't go drawing conclusions about me and Ian, that is the only time he talks to me - when he needs help with homework. whatever.

now i'm just stalling by still writing. and goodness well i'm just a girl who makes a lot of mistakes and wrong choices who needs to find her inciting moment where she actually gains the courage to make a change in her life for the better or comes to terms and accepts her life as it is which will give her courage and self confidence but neither has been happening instead she has been writing run on sentences when she should be doing her math homework.

i wish that i could just write and not talk. i always say the wrong things. like when Abby had more Michelle drama, i had nothing to say because i didn't know what the heck to say. Abby has Avarie who will go punch Michelle in the face for her and they are more in it and whatever. but i should stop talking like that. i'm happy being the rock who is just always there for Abby because she is definitely mine. i just wish that i could figure out a way to talk to her more often. well at least on December 29th we are going to spend the whole day together. and if she backs out of those plans then we are doing it on the 30th. if she can't do it then well then we will keep pushing it back a day until it works but i'm almost certain i will be at her house at 10 o'clock or earlier on Tuesday December 29th and we are going to go to some sort that will carry the glee dvd, purchase it, then spend the whole rest of the day watching it from the beginning. yes. it will probably end up being twelve hours or more. wow. we better make this a sleepover. okay with you Abby?