just so you know.

now i am going to write a blog. i was going to write one earlier but i wasn't in the mood. now i guess i sort of am except i need to go to the bathroom but Maeve is in there in a sort of fit because of Maura, blah, blah, blah. and i don't feel like going upstairs or really getting up so i'm just gonna sit her and write this blog which is probably going to be extremely long.

let's start with today even though i have stuff that goes back weeks that i want to talk about. sooo much. it will probably end up being two posts because i will run out of time. there is only so much time you can spend in front of a computer screen you know. let me take note about what time it is: almost 5:30. okay. well today is Friday. the day before vacation starts. well now vacation has started since school was over. no one really knows how happy i am for this vacation. i needed a break badly. things were started to get way too stressful. the horse show that sunday before the week started didn't help. really it just put me in an exhausted mood for the rest of the week. and my lesson on Monday was pretty much awful. i'll rant on that later. don't worry you won't miss out on that lovely part of my life. but anyways. this vacation is needed. i'm gonna sleep. do nothing. and relax. wonderful.

um. what next? i guess i can go into riding since that is on my mind now. so get ready for a lot coming your way and half of it you probably won't understand but i'll try to explain some of it. well this is my second year doing the IEA team and I think I have been riding for 4ish years? summer before 5th grade i think. so 4 and a half years i guess. so IEA is when you ride a random horse at some place and compete. i'm only doing flat this year. i only did flat last year. Maeve is doing jumping this year. this is Maeve's first year. that says a lot. to me at least and it is a bit discouraging. yeah. the explanation behind it is because this is my first year in high school and the high school horses are harder than middle school - if i was still in middle school i would be jumping. honestly i'm kind of glad that i'm not jumping because jumping is more nerve wracking. i'm more of an equitation girl. but that isn't the main point here which is need to get back to or self this will be going on forever. it's 5:45 now just so you know. but i have a lesson twice a week with the Williston/Fuller team. so i ride with other girls that go to Williston and some that go to HRHS and some that go to neither of those schools. but to get straight to the point - i am left out. completely. the rest of them are laughing and having a great time and i am the silent one in the corner. it sucks. it's hard. they are all outgoing girls that are pretty much bitches but yet i still want to fit in. sounds like middle school doesn't it? it's not like i care that much but when you are the only one left out then it is hard. but that doesn't bother me much, it just adds to everything.

so Monday I had my lesson and everything seemed to go wrong. it wasn't the the true Williston kids since they were on break, just the non-Williston kids on the Williston team. and first i put the pad on wrong and Taylor Cranston - you may know her but i'm not going to express my opinions on her because i'm not really even sure how to put them into words - told me that i put it on wrong. so i had to get off while everyone else was on and ready to go and fix it. luckily Carolyn - my teacher - was talking about the horse show on Sunday which i think i need to go back to...sorry to confuse you like this. it's simpler in my mind.

well we co-hosted the show on Sunday so we helped run it. so i was doing a lot of work all day - my class was pretty much the last one of the day. i was doing a lot more than the other girls who never seemed to be anywhere when they were needed...anyways my class came up so i was put up on a horse and off i went. i had a pretty challenging horse, especially for the things i was working on. when you are in a horse show your thoughts are a strange thing. you are paying attention to what you are suppose to be doing, what your horse is doing, what you like, and you are trying to remember that everything that you were ever taught. and while you are thinking all of that your mind also wanders...i'm not really sure what i thought about, i don't remember. but i think i had a good ride. it took my horse a bit to pick up one lead and when he did he picked up the wrong one but i saw it and switched it and i got the right now. i was so proud of myself seeing as i have been ruined because of a wrong lead - it's kind of like forgetting the lines in a play or the lyrics to a song or what you are suppose to do next in a dance and you know you know it but it just doesn't work. so i was incredibly proud of myself for that alone and i thought i did a really good job too. i tried to work on everything, keeping my chest up and shoulder back while not forgetting about everything else. they had spilt our class into two groups of six but placed them together. so our places were out of 12. i got 2nd. that is amazing. i was so happy. especially since i only needed 5 points to get the 15 points needed to go to regionals and 2nd place is equal to 5 points. but no one seemed to notice - not that i cared because we were busy making sure all the horses were put away. then later that day my riding teacher told me I got the Sportsmanship award which made the day even better. overall it was a good day and all my hard work paid off.

so back to monday. this was the day after the horse show. i was really tired and wasn't in the greatest mood to begin with. i didn't want to ride but i did anyways. it's not that simple to just say you don't want to ride. riding is a hard sport that requires a lot of dedication. not only do you have to care and worry about yourself you have a whole other animal that depends on you to make sure it is taken care of. so yeah you already know that i messed up on the pad and i got back up and Carolyn was still going around. Dana Delaney was in that lesson and she is in my division and since they didn't split us up when they placed us, i was competing against her. she got 4th place which is also really good and she thought she wasn't going to get anything because her horse wasn't responding the greatest. so Carolyn was raving to her about it and telling her stuff and eventually she got to me and i don't know exactly how she found out but she didn't know that i got 2nd place. she didn't know at all. do you know how that made me feel? i just had an amazing ride and she didn't know that i placed at all. and she didn't even say anything like 'i thought you should have placed' but she did say something like "well that means that the judge thought you had good position" or something along those lines - do you mean that you didn't think i did a good job? or were you not paying attention to me because Abby was also in that class? yeah there is another girl in our division who rode at the same time as me, she didn't place. then she said something like "sportsmanship and 2nd place!" in a way that made me feel like i wouldn't have gotten the sportsmanship award if she had known that i had gotten 2nd place even thought i was the one working the hardest. whatever. actually, not whatever. that made me feel really bad and low like i wasn't worth anything to the group and you know what is worse is that i wasn't the point rider. in every division the instructor has to pick a point rider who will ride for points for the team, so the points they get will go towards the team. there are three girls from my team in my division. i have been the point rider in the past three shows before that one. i got 10 points for my team. the last show i blew it and didn't place. she put Abby as the point rider this show even then Abby hasn't placed at all ever, this is Abby's second show but still that made me feel not good either. i don't know how Carolyn picks the point rider but after all of that i'm not the point rider and i got 2nd place! gah. it's frustrating.

well after that lesson i felt even worse because Dana, Bella, and Taylor were going around like they were the best of friends and i was completely left out again. i went and sat in the car. we had to give Bella a ride home. i felt like punching her. i really do not like Bella. she only thinks of herself. i think that just about covers all of my riding gah for now. but those two days really set up the rest of the week for disaster. it was because of all of that, that i was crying the other day. yep. and don't go and say 'if that makes you cry and upset why don't you just quit?' riding is my life. i have nothing else. if i quit i would be a girl who did nothing except for go home and go on her computer. at least with riding i have a bit of a life. plus i am going to see those people for the rest of my life and then i would be known as the quitter and everyone, not just the people who ride, would be like 'don't you ride' and i would have to say 'no. i stopped.' i already did that for Irish dancing. my sister still does it which makes it worse. sometimes i wish i still did Irish dancing but it's too late now. my sister is at novice level, if i did start it would take me forever to get to that point. and in other people's eyes it would seem weird if Maeve was better at something since she is younger than me. i have sort of gotten over that though it is hard. every time Maeve does better than me it is hard. and realizes it too and she feels bad but i don't want her to. we are better at it than most siblings are. some people think we have the whole "sibling rivalry" going on, but we don't. we just want the best for each other. so back to the point - quitting riding is out of the question. i have a horse. my mother and sister both do it. and you know what i don't want to. even though this is hard i know that it is going to make me a better person and help me in the long run and i'm not going to quit because there are some people that i don't like. i'll deal with it.

okay wow. i think that is all for that. new subject. but what? time capsule. wow i spelled that right the first time. well i think i already mentioned this before but we are making a time capsule that we will open when we are seniors. i put lots of good things in there. including the name to this website. i can't wait until i am a senior now and especially after the pep rally i can't wait either, which i should talk about later too. i have a whole list of things i want to talk about now. and it's 6:35 now. i ate dinner from 6:00 to 6:20 just so you know how long this is taking me. my friends wrote me notes. i want to know what they say but i didn't open them, even the ones that i could have easily read. i'm gonna wait until i am a senior. i can't change my mind now either because my time capsule is all sealed up. my mother also wrote me a note. that one i am the most curious about. i put it in there though. hopefully i did. of course now i am doubting if all of the notes got in there. hopefully they did. god i had myself when i do stuff like this. worrying over little things and i know that there is nothing i can do about it. i am going to be thinking about whether that note got in there or not. which isn't that great for me. but anyways i can not wait until i am a senior. i can not wait until i am out of this high school because once i am out of high school i can really shine and show my full potential. that is when the rest of my life is going to start falling into place. of course i will miss high school but right now i'm not feeling like i am going to miss it as much as i thought i might. just have to get through the rest of this year. then our sophomore year. then junior year. then i'll be a senior.

um. pep rally. we lack spirit. yeah i don't think that is important enough to go into. maybe later if i feel like then maybe but you know i am sure i can think of something else to talk about.

actually i'll think i stop this one for now and maybe take a break. just so you know it is 6:45 now. (: