a lesson in making friends (as told by a third grader)

1. walk up to someone who looks nice.

2. say hi.

3. when they say hi back see if you like the sound of their voice.

4. if you do say "you are my new friend!"

5. play with your new at recess

6. if you have fun say "you are my new best friend"

alternative if you don't have recess:

7. whisper to them in math class "you are my new best friend"

extra edited step by a tenth grader:

8. pray they don't run away and never talk to you again

178.

so i enjoy writing this blog. i mean it has been going on since Januray, which is 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8, 9 months ago. haha. what does that say about my social skills?

anyways when i write this not everything comes out right or how i see it. when i am writing this blog i'm just writing i'm not thinking. well i am but i'm not thinking about what word sounds right where or editing it or something. i'll maybe delete no more than a sentence but really sometimes thinks don't come out right or come out incorrectly.

so now you are all probably excepting me to correct something i said in my last blog and i would be the only probably is i don't know what to correct. my thoughts and feelings and beliefs are sooooo messed up that i can't put them on paper and get my point completely across so someone other than me can understand them. but the other thing is i have to be completely honest with this blog and if for some reason i'm not being completely honest then something has to change whether it be making it so only i can read this blog or rethinking my way of writing it.

being completely honest the thing i need to correct is the cute new boy. cause i think i might have come off a little differently than i wanted to but it hasn't been long enough for me to read my blog yet. you realize that i won't read a blog until months have passed after i have written it. i probably won't read these words again until November or later most likely. i already have these thoughts and feelings in me now and i put them on paper, i don't need to revisit them until i know they are completely gone.

i sort of segwayed off there. partly to avoid the topic i'm suppose to be writing about now. maybe i'll do it in bullet points. that might work. ready? 1) i am not a stalker. the definition of a stalker is Devin. k? any questions about that please ask me because i do not feel the need to explain now 2) i'm not sure what to put here for number two. ah figured it out. i'm not obsessed. last year i was verging on obsessed and i'm not going back there 3) i care but i don't. i'm sticking with my whatever happens happens 4) i don't want to change anything. ha. lie. i don't want to create unnecessary drama and such, i want it to happen on it's own. 5) i don't have guts when it comes to people. riding around an 1000 pound beast? tons of guts. people? none. 6) -pause while i'm thinking- i'm hungry so i think i am wrapping this blog up. any questions ect, please direct them to me and me only. i will probably have more to write about later if i have time with babysitting and homework which i haven't started yet. and i think this blog was kind of pointless.

this is my 100th post.

why yes you read correctly. this is my 100th post. and i have a lot to write about. i'll time myself like i have done in the past. started at 6:56pm on september 2nd.

big ticket item of the day: it feels like i never left school. everything is also exactly the same except for the follow things 1) new teachers 2) different classes 3) different kids in the class 4) HORRIBLE bells 5) a few new kids. nothing else has changed. now look at that list it may seem like those are different things but they aren't really. i wake up and i manage to get myself ready while being half-dead. i drag myself through each class some of which i have friends with but some i don't. if i do have friends, talk to them during the class, if not just be the silent person. people don't realize how much strength it takes for us people who are quiet to just go to class each day. not that i doubt going to class because i know that for my successful career to come true i need to struggle through high school just so i can have that 100-80 grade next to the honor class for the college and get the basics behind me. i'm going to be one of those people who work hard and have a successful career, not one of those people drop out of highschool but become millionaires. no. my hard-work is going to get me somewhere and i'm not going to settle for less because that would just be a huge waste. if i was planning on bagging groceries the rest of my life i wouldn't be going to school.

it's almost like deja vu in a way or that thing when the same thing happens over again, you know? first day of 9th grade go to Mr. Touchette's room get my schedule and locker combination to the same locker that i have this year. manage to find all my classes, this year a little easier. listen to my teachers go on about honor expectations and how if you don't think this class is right for you, um, this class is right for me because i am going to stick it out. i'm not dropping an honor class. i completely understand that for some people that is the best choice. i'm not going to be one of those people. if i can't suffer through an honors class and get a good grade then how the heck am i going to become one of those successful people in the real world. i know that one honors class isn't that big of a deal but i'm not a quitter and if i can survive three honor classes then i can survive the AP class next year and i can survive anything. if i can make an 1000 pound animal do what i want to i can do well in a honors class and i can succeed.

- break at 7:09 to set the table-

- come back at 7:12 -

okay i got a little off topic there because i forgot something. some deja vu. the new cute boy. bahahaha. i can see you laughing now and i'm smiling a bit myself. yeah there is 150 something kids in my class but still i know all of those kids good enough to know that none of them care a bit about me, well not currently. part of my plan for this year was to be louder during class and let me get to know me more but eehhhhh not working at all so we might save that til next year. there isn't anyone i really want to get to know anymore. but back to the new cute boy. last year his name happened to be Matt but he turned out to be a creeper and total flirt. so yeah dead lead there. this year it happens to be someone who went to Abby's elementary school. downfall there because people already know him. downfall that since he is also a new guy every single girl is looking at him thinking the exact same thing as me. including Devin who i was blessed enough to sit next to during English cause Katelyn ditched me for Vicky, same old same old but i have to use what friends i have in what class. anyways last year Matt was Katelyn's friend from elementary school. and Devin had a crush on him and probably still does. WAYYY TOOO SIMILARRR. so what am i doing different this year? umm i don't really have a plan yet. i was going to talk to him in algebra cause he sits diagonally from me but i don't have the guts. buttt listen to this in english i managed to ask him his favorite ice cream for a stupid worksheet, which happens to be chocolate and raspberry which - oh my goodness- just happen to be mine too!

- break for dinner at 7:18 -

- back at 7:44 -

but only downside of that was he was walking away from me so i followed him saying "Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer" until he turned around and i asked him and he asked me my name which was fine yeah yeah. but if i learned anything from last year it is don't fall face first cause it's not worth it. let him fall face first and then just happen to follow. i'm not worried about it. what happens happens. that shall be my moto "what happens happens".

if i could change one thing and only one thing about school this year it would be Abby's year. i would give her as many possible classes with me and Colin and the rest of her friends. i would make it so she would never have to see the icky people at all because their schedules would bring them different places. we would have lunch together everyday instead of every other day and everything would go as smoothly for her as it did for her sisters. she would have a wonderful day everyday minus those few bad days that everyone needs to make the good days seem extremely good and help you learn something. i would also change outside of school that i would know what to say to her online when she is frustrated or such. i always feel like i say the wrong thing or i don't make it better. or i say too much or i don't say enough. but i can't change who i am and i can only try my best.

i hate being a typical teenager.

and then the barn didn't go well today. first this stuck up girl at my barn who i pretty much hate thought that i was wearing no pants because i have tan riding pants. hahahaha. no. i am wearing freaking pants. then i cleaned my stall. the cute older guy showed up to clean stalls of course so now i have to just keep an eye out for him. i made him look when i was pouring my water into the wheelbarrow. i almost poured it all over me but i managed to get all except a tiny little splash that fell on the floor. then i rode in the ring which was fine but then we went out into the woods and my horse decided to turn around about two minutes in the trail ride. yeah. he turned around and wanted to go back. i was sort of freaked out because i didn't know what he was going to do. i mean i have heard all these stories about things going wrong on trail ride. you sort of store them all up for a time like that. i was crying but i managed to go but the whole time i was fighting him to slow down to stay behind Murray. then we were going past one point and we heard a stick break in the woods. then again. so there was something out there. i was a little freaked out by that and he probably could feel that cause then he decided to turn around but this time he decided to add in little hops and such and that was it. i got off and my mother and i walked until we were almost there then i made myself get back on. i wasn't going to lead my horse back to the barn where everyone would see me and ask a billion questions and instantly my reputation would be gone or destroyed or whatever. so we were way ahead from my mother and i was just holding him back the hole time. we made it back he spooked once which was just fuel to the fire. we made it back in one piece no one seemed to be able to tell that i was crying. you see my anger, fear, and tears are all connected way too much. then when we left my mother told me i shouldn't blame my horse because we just needed to get use to each other so i would be able to deal when he tried those little things. i just needed to get familiar with him. yeah i knew that and i do know that but honestly after my day of school and being exhausted i was just pretty much done.

so before i go get in the shower and fall asleep i am going to go through my dad.

-arrive.

-go to my locker get spanish stuff.

-spanish and try to struggle through that class with no friends except Sarah who i have barely talked to since 6th grade so try to make awkward conversation with her

-go to my locker and get stuff for office aide

-have fun being official like in the office

-go to my locker and get bio stuff

-go to bio and struggle through with all the werido people after having an honors science class last year. seriously, this class has the most annoying people in it

-(A) go to my locker drop off my stuff. do to lunch with Abby. go back to locker and get gym clothes

-(B) stay in bio or another period then go to locker and go to lunch with Stephanie.

- go to locker and get algebra stuff

-make it through algebra with Stephanie in front of me and cute new guy diagonal

-go to my locker and get english stuff

-go to english and suffer through with Katelyn acting like Vicky is more important that me and try not to get a headache from Devin and Matt

-go to history, no time to go to locker between classes

-talk to Stephanie and Katelyn gets pushed aside in this class, well she has Vicky again now doesn't she

-go to my locker and get what i need for homeroom and go home

AHHHHH and i'm suppose to do that for a whole year? GAHHHHHHH. now i have to go to sleep. i'm sooooooo tired and i have another day tomorrow.

99.

i have posted a lot today. but i'm going to post again because i'm starting to get nervous. make a note there. around 5:50pm on september 1st the nerves started getting to me. i'm not even able to concentrate on this blog. it's been a little under 10 minutes since i started this and i've gotten no where. i have typed novels in ten minutes before. i need to be calm and act like it is no big deal and i have to believe that not act. just to show Maeve that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about. plus i need to be confident. so the confidence starts now. and that whole transformation thing. hah. it is suppose to start tomorrow but that will have to be a big change from today but we will see how it goes. really it's just another school year and i'll make it through some way and it will be over before i know it then i'll have another summer which will be another adventure with driving lessons and my first summer with Pride completely. but i should think about what i have to look forward to this year: Maeve in the same school as me, a horse to ride after school, a fabulous vacation during Thanksgiving break, being done with being a lower class-person, a summer of learning how to drive, and just getting one year closer to being done with school and being able to start my successful career.

i wrote this on October 24 2008. i still believe most of it, if not all. i didn't change anything from the original, if if I think a "would" should have been "wouldn't" but that was me almost a year ago. there i was. and here i am.

Self-esteem.

self-es·teem

noun

confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect

see note at PRIDE

also known as that thing that almost no one in high school has.

I am not sure why, maybe because everyone thinks that everyone is better than them. maybe some are but I doubt it.

Everyone should have more pride in themselves. Everyone is amazing. Of course only the really amazing ones, I call amazing out loud. (:

I don’t understand it and I do all at the same time. It seems pretty stupid when you think about it that really no one has any self-esteem yet it makes sense.

______________________ _ _ _ _

The first thing that jumps into my head when I hear the word “love” is the question “what is love?” It is a word that has been overused so many times it is ridiculous. You may love a sport team but then you love your mother and you love your boyfriend/girlfriend.

What are the point of those anyways? Boyfriends and girlfriends I mean. At our age (9^th grade) at least. Really. You can’t drive yet so really you are stuck being driven everywhere by someone else so you can’t really just get away with them. At school you can be together but to what just hold hands? You may really like someone but does that change at all if you have the title “boyfriend and girlfriend”? I don’t know but it seems kind of pointless. But then again, I am single. (:

It seems like being in love with someone for real would be something…good…probably more than that though. To find someone that loves you and will forever…wow. The chances are that you are not going to find that person until at least after high school. So what is high school then? A time to make mistakes and try out relationships? Sure. Maybe it seems like that when you are looking back on it but when you are in high school, living it right now, it doesn’t seem like that. It seems like…not like you have to be in a relationship but almost like you should. Or there is that guy that you don’t know if you like like that or not and you are just completely flipped out over it especially since you know he knows you like him yet you still go around everyday like everything is fine and you have no feelings for the other past friendship. Not to mention that everyone else likes him as well and you don’t know if you are in love or not though you probably aren’t. So if you aren’t in love then is it even worth it? Is the worth it to not give up and keep waiting for him to realize that you are the best one for even if you do not do believe that yourself? Self-esteem again…

Would we be better off if we need right when we were born whom we were going to end up marrying and who would love us forever and we were just with them for our whole life? I don’t think so. I think part of life is getting through the relationship part of it. Think of how much you have learned or will learn from your “love life”. A whole bunch I would guess. I think making it through all of that makes you a better person, you change, you grow, and you learn. Everyday helps you in some way, maybe not right away but I bet someday when you look back on it you will learn something from it – or maybe you learned right then and there.

Love is something that cannot be defined easily. It is too big of a subject – yet when you hear someone say it you know instantly what it is. Once you start thinking about it though it isn’t so simple. I think you can never know what it is fully until you have (1)been in love, (2)thought you were in love but weren’t, (3)were in love but didn’t know it, (4)love someone to a point that you know you would die for them, (4) love.

I have never loved someone of the opposite gender outside of my family. I say that with confidence. I have had many crushes but I have never loved him. I would even say that I love him – not yet, I don’t know him well enough.

My family though I love. Looking at each of my sisters and my parents I know right away that I love them. I love them more than I can write on paper. Along with the rest of my family. They may get on my nerves but I love them more than anything really.

I love my friends as well. They are the only people my age that can possibly have some idea of what I am going though and thinking. No one else – they weren’t my age during my time. Sure – they may have been a teenager once but not from 2007 to 2014. I say daily how amazing my friends are and how I love them. They will say something and my response will be ‘I love you.’ or at least I am thinking that in my head. No, not like that, I love them as friends and as people.

Abby said to write about “the hard ships and…happiness and the insanity of it all” and really love is insane. It is amazing how you can possibility feel that way toward someone. God is smart – actually beyond smart. Incredible. Amazing. Of course he is – he is God. Love is so crazy though. Just thinking about it I am shaking my head slightly. I don’t know it personally though. I have never experienced it past the family level.

i really want to delete this.

in case you haven't figured it out yet i'm going through all my documents and deleting most of them. i am planning on having NOTHING in my documents when i'm done. i'll take a picture.

anyways i just deleted two big things. one was what Katelyn wrote out for me about the confusion she was feeling and what i wrote back. no looking back there.

but i want to have this just because it might be handy one day, you never know.

Foods Katelyn HATES:

ü Almonds

ü Artichoke

ü Asparagus

ü Beans (all kinds)

ü Biscuits

ü Blueberries

ü Burritos

ü CAKE

ü Candy Apples

ü CELERY

ü Cheeseburgers/Hamburgers

ü Chinese Food

ü Clams – (strips are okay)

ü Coleslaw

ü Cornbread

ü Corndogs

ü Cranberries

ü Donuts

ü FROSTING

ü GRAVY

ü Peppers

ü Guacamole

ü Ham

ü Honey

ü Humus

ü Jerky

ü PIE

ü Lamb

ü Maple Syrup

ü OATMEAL

ü EGGS

ü Onions

ü Pancakes

ü Peaches

ü Pumpernickel breads

ü Rice

ü Salmon

ü Shortcake

ü Swedish meatballs

ü Toast

ü Twinkies

ü Waffles (Belgium are okay)

ü Yogurt

ü Zucchini

ü Kiwi

ü Cream puffs

ü Honey dew melon

then. now.

NAME: asdfjkl;.doc

KIND: Microsoft Word Document

SIZE: 60 KB on disk

CREATED: 12/1/08 8:02 PM

MODIFIED: 12/1/08 8:02 PM

LAST OPENED: 7/1/09 7:17 PM

[error on the year there, the first Jan 2009 if I remember correctly....]

My friend, Katelyn, has only been my friend for two years about. Before that she was friends with a girl named Shelbie. Last year when Katelyn and I were becoming closer friends Shelbie was beginning to annoy Katelyn to no end and was being completely obnoxious. The summer didn't help much and the two of them didn't talk basically at all. Kaelyn didn't want to be friends with Shelbie any more, Shelbie annoyed her and was completely self-centered. So Katelyn stopped talking to her the next school year [this year] and just sort of tried to avoid her so their friendship could just sort of fade out.

That didn't exactly work.

Shelbie became sort of mad and ticked off I guess. But she never really said anything to Katelyn about it but you could tell. She talked about it to other people saying things like "What is up with Katelyn this year? It is like she has a stick stuck up her ass. She never talks to anyone anymore." Which could easily be translated into - "How come she never talks to me? What is her problem? Why wouldn't anyone want to talk to me? Why?" Katelyn talked to me all the time so it obviously was just Shelbie.

Finally when it seemed like Shelbie might finally be taking a hint and leaving Katelyn alone she came onto AIM. And guess what Shelbie did? Accused Katelyn of drinking. This is the dialogue (yeah, I have it saved):

SHELBIE: i have a question 4 u

KATELYN: mhm?

SHELBIE: rumor has it u have been drinkin... is it at all true??

SHELBIE: not a lil but on a regular basis

KATELYN: uhm. wtf?

SHELBIE: just forget i said anything

KATELYN: who the hell said that?

SHELBIE: it just seems like u r wicked depressed because u don't talk 2 anyone anyone any more... and ya just forget i mentioned anything

then she goes on to say...

SHELBIE: i have one more question for u

KATELYN: ok?

SHELBIE: ok why don't u talk 2 anyone any more

KATELYN: like last year we were best friends and now u hate me

SHELBIE: well practically

KATELYN: I don't hate you. It's just, idk, it's too much of a story. Basically shit has happened and I can't trust a lot of people anymore. and I am sick of people all together right now.

First of all if you were really Katelyn's friend you wouldn't believe that crap for a second. You would have stood up for you friend not go and ask her if it is true or not. And there she doesn't say who she heard it from but later on she reveals her sources. Katelyn was completely outraged and I was online the same time all of this happened so of course she was telling me everything. I honestly think that Katelyn overrated a little bit.

But this all seemed to be in the past now. Shelbie dropped it and Katelyn hadn't brought it up in a while. Then Katelyn saw some comments on a picture from a dance on Facebook. Each one of this are on different days.

SHELBIE: Wow...that was a great night back when everyone was talking to each other...lol.

SHELBIE: I'm kinda getting sick of this no talkin thing. : (

SHELBIE (after some other comments): Do you know what's up with Katelyn this year?? She like doesn't talk to anyone anymore...almost like she is depressed.

MICHELLE: hahah Shelbie you are so right!

SHELBIE: lol...i tried talking to her but now she hates my guts but ohh way she can keep shoveing that stick further up her ass 4 all i care.

ABBY: I have no idea what is going on ask her. yeah i don't talk to everyone but most...some more than others.

KATELYN: Shelbie - you don't talk to someone by accusing them of drinking. And the reason why I don't talk to as many people as I did before is because I need to watch what I say to people, that's all. I have trust issues and now I can't trust a damn thing with anyone because of this.

EVERYONE now thinks that I'm a drunk, thank you.

SHELBIE: Katelyn - u r th only one i talk 2 about that besides the person who told me...i swear i didn't tell anyone else until i talked 2 vicky because she told me pple were saying i was spreading a rumor about u drinking, its not my fault u have trust issues so stop blaming me 4 everything. DAM ur parinoid, stuff like that blows over so chill the f**k out. BTW i wasn't accusing u i just asked because i herd that from someone else and i was trying 2 find the truth, and i tried talking 2 u before the whole drinking thing and that didn't work. Calm down please before u go on a huge killing spree cause i know i would prob be on the top of ur hit list 4 just trying 2 gt 2 the bottom of a very pressing issue.

After that last comment from Shelbie, Katelyn deleted her one comment and Katelyn told me. "I never blamed her for anything besides making that rumor (which she did) and for telling people.

Did i say she caused my trust issues, no...even though she does..

I'm really angryy."

This is what I think about it. Shelbie is just upset that Katelyn isn't spending time with her. And I love the way she spells all of her words.

Anyways we came back to school today after the weekend when those big comments were posted. I have lunch with Shelbie and Katelyn has the lunch after us. So at lunch I sat down with two people and then Shelbie joined us. I completely ignored her. Then Shelbie brings the whole thing up to the person sitting next to me (Shelbie was on the other side of her). I started paying attention and then Shelbie turns to me and says "You know what I am talking about right Molly?" and I was like "Yeah." Then I started to say things like "How could you even believe something like that?" And she said "I didn't. I just had to make sure." And I began to question her and basically attack her. I said "Why did you even post those things on Facebook? Everyone could see that because you commented on a picture that was on the Class of 2012 group." and "How come you were telling people?" when she went on to say "I didn't tell anyone!" After that I began to list off people who she told. And I kept saying things like that until she had nothing to say. At that point I turned to the other person I was sitting with and talked with her. Shelbie then went and sat with Michelle who I guess was the person who told Shelbie the rumor in the first place. The two of them talked for the rest of the lunch period and kept glancing over to us. The two friends who were at my table and I laughed at them looking over at us and that was that.

So what do you think? Completely stupid? I believe it is. It is just sort of gah. Somehow I managed to get myself into this and they are probably gossiping about me too now. But who cares.

That was then. Last year. I'm not going back there. I am about to delete that document forever. Why am I keeping it here? Probably because I hate getting rid of things forever. One day when I am out of high school I will read this and will be thanking that I am out of that hell hole of highschool or I will be wishing my problems were that small or I will be calling my ninth grade self stupid or I will be praising myself. Whatever happens that was last year. This year I'm a sophomore. This year will be different. Better. I will do whatever I can to make that happen.