okay so I haven't written here in a long time. I am currently in Ireland, yes, I made it.

graduation sucked. like after graduation. the ceremony was fine because I just went were they told me to and that was it. but afterwards was so overwhelming, like we had to get all the friends together to take pictures and I had a bunch of different people telling me where to go. and I had my family and my mom and dad were obviously both there and that was super awkward. my auntie lorrie kept asking if we wanted a picture of the 5 of us, and I kept saying no. because that is so fake. I don't want a picture of our fake family, we are split. and it sucks. so anyways I posed for a few pictures and then I just left and went to lunch with my dad and sisters which was fine.

then I get back to the dorm and i'm the first one back so I start packing. and i'm pretty much done but I decide to stick around to try to help Amelie. because she had to get over to the cocktail party thing her parents were hosting. so I start going through the kitchen stuff. most of which is not mine. and I am told to just give everything to Roxy. but how am I supposed to get it to Roxy? luckily there was a huge cardboard box in the closet so I start putting in stuff. and then Amelie just leaves. so I just keep going through all the kitchen and common area stuff. and then Ellie asks if I need help and at that point i'm pretty pissed and it's clear she just wants to leave anyways so I just say nope. and then i'm still there clearing everything out. and i'm not done until like 6-6:30 when I was basically ready to leave at 4. and then of course I have to figure out how to get stuff to Roxy and she says she will come get it. and I was in tears at this point. I missed the whole party thing that they were at because I was cleaning out all their shit they didn't want to deal with. and then I waited 30 minutes for Roxy and she still wasn't there so I called and told her I was just leaving it there. and then I drove home. and I am still pissed off about this. like really pissed off still. and then Ellie left some crying voicemail or something. and I tried to just text her something to calm her down and keep her off my case. and then I ignored her for a bit. and then she texted about apartments in Kentucky so I text her back so she wouldn't freak out that I was ignoring her. and then later she texts asking when she can come see me. and I say no. and she is like not even for a hug? and I say no, I want to spend as much time as I can with family. and her response is "Wow." and after that I was so mad and upset about the whole thing that I didn't respond to Amelie and Roxy. and I just messaged Amelie but I am still pretty upset at her too. ugh it makes me upset. just because I have to clean up every one else's shit and they don't think about me or don't really care and just think about themselves. I can't even think about it more it makes me so upset. I had texted Amelie if she wanted her printer and she responds with "what primer?" because she didn't read. and she didn't text the whole night. and Ellie thinks she is a good friend, like she checked in after it was too late to help, and she had asked to help and she called three times but she isn't doing that for me...she is doing that for herself because she needs constant validation from everyone else, especially from me. she is doing it so she feels like she is a good friend, not because she is actually a good friend. seen from the "Wow." response, not understanding that I literally just lived with her for a whole school year and I have barely seen my family who I am not going to see all summer. aaaarrraaagghhh. whatever. I should try to sleep but i'm all worked up now. and I have more to tell you but that's all I can write now. okay goodbye.

so tomorrow i'm graduating. tonight is the last night sleeping at babson. last time really being a college student. tomorrow is all for show and more for the parents than for us. this week was for us. now is the last time I can just walk outside my door and be with my friends and hang out and drink and order pizza and it is okay to stay up super late and just hang out and talk. tomorrow i'll start in the "real world" although I still think this is real too. but anyways just thought I needed one more post before the big day tomorrow when this is all over.

wow. really four years. that went by so fast. and I have it all here in this blog. or at least some of it, I could never put all of them. but this is really amazing. even though it is expected, of course I graduated college, I still did it. it was a lot of hard work. I've grown up. I've gone through a lot. yes, of course that happens to everyone, but it is still special that it happened to be. so here we go. bring on the next chapter.

it kind of sucks to be at a dance and see the guy you have a crush on fawning all over and following and dancing with another girl all night. especially when that girl is one of your friends and in your friend group so you are literally watching him do this all night. but at least you know that he has no chance with her because all the guys pursue her and she is always nice to all of them and flirts with them because that is just her personality but never does anything with them. he was already gone when I saw her later in one of the suites - but maybe he will show up later. anyways it kind of sucked. I really just want to get out of her and be surrounded by new people because I am kind of sick of these people. and it kind of sucks when all but one of your friends have boyfriends. so you feel like a third wheel a lot. but I managed to dance with all the boyfriends at first just for fun but then Emily said that jealousy is a good tool, so then to try to make Hanson jealous but I don't think it worked because he literally just stared at Maria all night. I told her at one point good luck after making it really awkward being like "soo...Maria...." and giving him looks which he didn't appreciate, but he did appreciate the luck because he said he was going to need to. but I may have made Chris Harrington jealous because when I was dancing with Mike when I was done, passing his hand back to Roxy, he grabbed mine and Mike's so then it was just three plus Roxy all dancing together and then Ellie joined and then a bunch of people joined so I stopped that hand holding pretty quickly. but I thought that Chris had another girl he was into but whatever. if he had asked me out I would have said yes. there are a lot of guys I would have said yes to if they asked me out but they never did. so single life for molly.

also Abby posted a bunch of throw back pictures of Josh, one of which was from before senior prom at my dad's lake house with my cropped out of it. like what the hell.

i'm trying not to be sad about all of this because I know it doesn't really matter but I am sad. I should just go to sleep. okay goodnight.

and just saw pictures of Josh's graduation and Abby posted about it and posted some pictures and one of them was a picture of me and Josh from prom with me cropped out of it. so cool.

i'm freaking out again. it is so hot out and I can't fall asleep. and I just want to cry but I don't even know about what. I guess just all this change. and feeling alone.

I made it through the weekend at maine and i'm almost done with senior week. and we are having all these cutesy fun friend moments but it's like you don't even know me or really care except for like 2 of you, one of which I don't even want to be friends with anymore. i'm ready for new people. but at the same time i'm just exhausted and don't know if I can do this. it's just so big and I have to put myself out there and do so much. and ah I just want to sleep but I can't sleep.

maybe i'll watch a movie or talk to derek or I don't know. i'm just going crazy.

I don't know what to do.

my grandma died. or she is on life support and there is no saving her.

i'm supposed to go to maine this weekend. like leave in a few hours. but I don't know if I should go or just go home.

it could be good to just not think about it and have fun with my friends. but I don't know if I can deal and handle all the people. I could go home and just take a break and then come back for senior week. I don't know. I am just tired and feel gross. I don't know if I can handle this. I don't want to have to handle this.

this was supposed to help me figure out what to do but it has not. I still have no fucking idea.

I am hungry and need to take a shower.

quick update on my life. I watched you can't buy me love and it make me happy. and then I started to get into a funk again because I heard Amelie and Isaac and elisa outside so I couldn't go out there to get ready for bed. so I started watching drive me crazy and I loved it.

now I feel better. but it is late. but derek just messaged me so yay for friends. maybe i'll actually get up and go pee and get my charger so I can go to bed like I should have hours ago.

I am crying and in such a bad mood and I have no real reason why. I just had an fme review session and I was just pissed off the whole time because no one was paying attention or wanted to be there and it was stupid. and i'm just so done and ready to get out of here. I literally just looked at my calendar to see if there was anytime for me to go home. there isn't unless I said I can't babysit on Wednesday, then I could go home for two nights. but that isn't until Tuesday night so I might be fine staying here by then. but I got back to the suite after the review session and Amelie is in her room with Isaac so I just go back to my room and start crying so I blast music so she can't hear me and just cried. and I still don't even know why I am that upset. I really don't have that much to worry about and I am almost done with exams.

I guess I am feeling like no one likes me. I have no friends. and like these whole four years were just a waste. like I just want to get away from here and away from all these people who don't care or give a damn except for a few who do but who like other people more than me anyways. I guess i'm just feeling really alone lately and this really sucks. and I just want to leave.

fuck this.