i am trying hard to not have one of those times when i'm just really hard on myself. like about the fact that hanson is definitely not interested in me. and like that i just didn't fit into the conversation earlier when we were all chilling and i just felt left out. and like the fact that i really did nothing ever since i got back from work. and like the fact that my face is covered in acne and i honestly am not that attractive. and like how i hear everyone in the common room laughing and having fun and i am just in here and i know i don't fit in there. and like how i just saw that josh had reblogged something of mine on tumblr. and like how i miss my old friends and somehow they are all gone from my life now. and like how i just have that mood where i feel like i don't fit in at all.

but now i am going to make myself snap out of it. because while yes i am disappointed sometimes that i don't have a guy and how hanson seems to be interested in every other girl except for me and how i still sometimes feel left out and awkward in my own friends group - i have grown a lot. i used to get this left-out horrible feeling all the time. but today is the first time in a while that it has hit me hard. like i get down on myself every day about things but this is a different crappier feeling where you just feel the weight of everything that is wrong with you.

okay focus on good things now. i am going to be in nashville this summer and even though that is scary and i won't know anyone and people think i'm crazy - i'm going to be freaking doing it. i'm doing something. i'm going after what i want. and i'm going to learn so much. even if i hate it, i can say i try and i am doing something with my life. and i'm on top of my shit. i got my life together pretty well.

and the fact that i don't have a boyfriend is literally amazing right now because i get to go hit up all those nashville boys over the summer and then i can flirt with all the other boys on my study abroad trip and i can stun all the chinese boys. like watch out world. i'm fucking awesome. and then when i get back if i don't like any of those boys i can see if i still like hanson and if not i'm pretty sure i'll be a completely better person and maybe then i'll be ready to meet the right person. if not, whatever, i'm amazing so i'm good just hanging out with me.

i am feeling better now. i really just wish i wouldn't think about hanson so much because honestly it is the idea of him i'm interested in and my mind just latched onto it and i can't shake it. i don't even know the kid at all. but my mind is just stuck on him and it fucking sucks. but thankfully only a month of school yet and then i can forget about him all summer until i see him in china.

now i need to sleep because then i have study abroad orientation all day tomorrow and after that hanson is potentially having a bbq and then i'm running a 5k. so busy day. let's go get them molly.