Hi, some big things are going to be happening to me soon. in 3 weeks i'll be done with my sophomore year of college. half way done with college already. that seems too crazy. i don't even understand. it seems like i just started. i'm finally understanding this whole time passes by quickly thing. i don't feel old enough to be half way done with college. and every time i say half way done with college it seems weird.

but other than that. in 4 weeks, a month, i'll be in Nashville. i am going to be living on my own in Nashville with an internship at a record label and hopefully a part time job. i just realized this will be like my first time living on my own. okay, yes, college, but they have a cafeteria, health services on campus, campus police, and everything is right there. it's like a little bubble that i live in. i am going to be living on my own with no babson support system. and it's going to be in a completely different state and city on top of that. what am i getting myself into? how am i going to feed myself? no trim! it's going to be crazy and i'm going to grow up a lot. it's like the first big step for me. but i feel like i need to do it. when i'm home i feel comfortable but i just sort of lug around and stay in my pjs all day and live out of my suitcase. it is like i don't belong here for long periods of time anymore. i mean i am sure i would be fine living here. but i need to push the envelope, step out of my comfort zone. and that i am going to do in a month...

and then once i get back from Nashville i only have a few weeks and then i'm going to China for a semester and i'm going to live there. woooooow, molly. you said you wanted to travel and now you really are. china seems so far away but i'm going to be there before i know it. when i get back from China and go back to Babson in the spring of 2015, i feel like i'm going to be a completely different grown up person. living on my own in Nashville, studying in China. like molly is going to be completely independent.

i'm understanding the whole, the only person you have to rely on is yourself, and how to have happiness from within, and you should love yourself - why? because i'm going to be on my own all summer! while i still have family and friends they aren't going to be there with me. i am going to be doing it all on my own so i better be able to rely on myself.

anyways i still have 3 weeks of school to get through. i should do some more work and then get ready to head back to babson. i was home for the long Easter weekend. but back to the last push before school is done! only 3 projects to get through...

i am trying hard to not have one of those times when i'm just really hard on myself. like about the fact that hanson is definitely not interested in me. and like that i just didn't fit into the conversation earlier when we were all chilling and i just felt left out. and like the fact that i really did nothing ever since i got back from work. and like the fact that my face is covered in acne and i honestly am not that attractive. and like how i hear everyone in the common room laughing and having fun and i am just in here and i know i don't fit in there. and like how i just saw that josh had reblogged something of mine on tumblr. and like how i miss my old friends and somehow they are all gone from my life now. and like how i just have that mood where i feel like i don't fit in at all.

but now i am going to make myself snap out of it. because while yes i am disappointed sometimes that i don't have a guy and how hanson seems to be interested in every other girl except for me and how i still sometimes feel left out and awkward in my own friends group - i have grown a lot. i used to get this left-out horrible feeling all the time. but today is the first time in a while that it has hit me hard. like i get down on myself every day about things but this is a different crappier feeling where you just feel the weight of everything that is wrong with you.

okay focus on good things now. i am going to be in nashville this summer and even though that is scary and i won't know anyone and people think i'm crazy - i'm going to be freaking doing it. i'm doing something. i'm going after what i want. and i'm going to learn so much. even if i hate it, i can say i try and i am doing something with my life. and i'm on top of my shit. i got my life together pretty well.

and the fact that i don't have a boyfriend is literally amazing right now because i get to go hit up all those nashville boys over the summer and then i can flirt with all the other boys on my study abroad trip and i can stun all the chinese boys. like watch out world. i'm fucking awesome. and then when i get back if i don't like any of those boys i can see if i still like hanson and if not i'm pretty sure i'll be a completely better person and maybe then i'll be ready to meet the right person. if not, whatever, i'm amazing so i'm good just hanging out with me.

i am feeling better now. i really just wish i wouldn't think about hanson so much because honestly it is the idea of him i'm interested in and my mind just latched onto it and i can't shake it. i don't even know the kid at all. but my mind is just stuck on him and it fucking sucks. but thankfully only a month of school yet and then i can forget about him all summer until i see him in china.

now i need to sleep because then i have study abroad orientation all day tomorrow and after that hanson is potentially having a bbq and then i'm running a 5k. so busy day. let's go get them molly.

i feel like i just got told again from my parents that they are getting a divorce but this time from charles trippy. ): makes me not really want to get married or even go anywhere near guys.

except for the fact that i'm stupid and am still kind of interested in hanson like to the point that i freaking ate dinner with him and all his friends today and it was so awkward and i don't even know or care or whatever. i'm just living my life day by day. we will see what happens. right now i should get ready to sleep. and then tomorrow i am going to wake up for a meeting with our professor for a project. then i am going to go to work. and then i'm going to take an exam. and then i'm going to have an oem meeting. and then maybe i'll start studying or i'll sleep.

sleep sounds good. i'm hungry too. also i would like a back massage right now.

but i am still very grateful and happy.

OH OH MY GOD I GOT THE INTERNSHIP I'M GOING TO BE WORKING AS AN INTERN AT ROUNDER RECORDS IN NASHVILLE THIS SUMMER I COMPLETELY FORGOT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. SO EXCITED. LET ME GO LOOK FOR HOUSES. I HAVE MY PEOPLE ON IT BUT AH ONCE I FIGURE OUT WHERE I'M LIVING I'M BASICALLY ALL SET.

can I just say I pull myself together well? ellie just came in to talk to me and I acted normal enough for her to not ask me what was wrong if she did suspect something was wrong. she didn't stay long but I also was still writing an email while she was talking. but she was complaining about class registration and she told me a story about talking to a guy and she could tell that I wasn't really interested. I tried to be as normal and interested as usual while telling her that I needed space. can't exactly think about how classes when my sister is texting me about being emotionally abused.

but she just texted me again and here comes the tears again. better go bury myself back in my work.

maybe the reason why I do all my homework and get it done ahead of time and i'm seen like an overachiever is because I bury myself in work and keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about stuff like this.

not that i'm complaining. I am still so grateful for my life and I know I am so lucky. this is still horrible though.

i do not like getting texts from Maeve saying she is being emotionally abused by our dad.

I just want to fix it and I don't know how and I am freaking out and I don't like this and i'm breaking down and i'm just going to bury myself in my work. I want to cry but i'm not going to. my life is great compared to my sisters. and I feel like crap. and I just want to make everything better but it's out of my control. and instead of going home for the summer I am ditching my sisters and going to Nashville which isn't helping. and now i'm crying. but I really should stop because I don't know when my roommate will be back and I don't want anyone to know. only two of my friends at babson know what is going on, emma and amelie, and I haven't really kept them up to date.

pull yourself together molly, stop crying, fucking do something. wrong thing to write because I don't know what the hell to do. I feel helpless. fucking sucks.