a girl's period is a gut-wrenching, soul-sucking, hope-destroying necessary of life. so much freaking pain. i am not going to get any sleep tonight. and i didn't get any last night either and it hadn't even started yet. not to mention just how gross it is. oh look, i just mentioned how gross it is. i hate it. and it's like taboo. you aren't supposed to talk about it. at least in my family. the only time it may be mentioned is if we need more pads or tampons. i have no idea when Maeve started her period and if Maura has started hers yet or not. honestly it is one of the worst things i have to go through every month, if not the worst. the only relief is it tells me i'm not pregnant, even though there is no possible way i could be pregnant. abstinence is the number one birth control, kids! guys should give girls more credit for getting through their stinking period. let's see. i flew to spain on my period in April. in May i went on an 8 hour road trip to Toronto and had a cough that made me go to the emergency room. at least when the guy asked if there was any chance i was pregnant before the x-ray i could say nope. then June? oh right, i had it in California for Vidcon! and then that brings us to now, and the next time i am graced with my period's appearance i will be in college.

oh yeah, i just wrote a whole paragraph about my period. woot, woot. breaking down walls...i guess. i am going to try to get some sleep now i guess. or at least start trying to fall asleep so maybe by the time i do fall asleep it might be before midnight. but last night i had a dream with Taylor Mathews it in, i can't remember details now, but it was still a good dream. maybe i'll have another nice dream again to make up for the pain i'll be in.

by the way 18 days.

hi Abby!
yeah I will probably end up going...I should check if I am doing anything and then put it on the calender so I don't forget...but I don't know how to get to her house soooo maybe we could go together, unless we end up carpooling with the boys instead. i don't know, i haven't even talked to josh about it yet...i should probably text him back now so he doesn't think i died.

but yeah college is going to be hard. we bring it up and my mom starts tearing up...and i know my dad isn't going to be happy either. i almost started crying last night too. because we sort of know that once i leave i'm not longer their baby little girl. i'm not going to come back after college. i'll come for the vacations if i'm not off working or intering or studying someplace else for the summer/winter. but once i graduate, i'm not planning on living back at home. they aren't going to be there looking over me anymore. i won't have to ask for their permission. i can just do whatever. i will finally have to start making decisions.

but i also remembered that it won't be just living the life...we'll still have school. and i know i will have a crapload of work. hopefully i haven't forgotten how to write an essay! and i feel like i should be worrying about my FME business, i need an idea! if i get an idea now i can already start working on it! but that's other stuff...

and orientation will be awesome. i can't wait. really. i am not going to get any sleep the night before, and then i get to spend all night in Target.

another weird thing is i won't be sharing experiences with the same people i did with high school for 6 years...and the people who i see at the barn and around Westhampton, they will no longer be part of my daily life. i might see them on facebook but that doesn't really count. i am going to be surrounded by so many new people that i'm going to have to feel out. that is going to be so awesome.

ahhh college. good times. i hope.

and oh i'm likely to achieve positions of authority ;)
"Purple: Purples are highly individual, fastidious, witty and sensitive, with a strong desire to be unique and different. Temperamental, expansive and artistic, a Purple person may become aloof and sarcastic when misunderstood. If you chose Purple, you tend to be unconventional, tolerant and dignified, likely to achieve positions of authority."

and i'll probably post later again...it's only 8 somehow

so i found out today that the lead girl in taylor mathews's video is Rydel Lynch, who is Riker Lynch's sister. i am pretty sure i have mentioned riker in here with the whole glee stuff. he's awesome. and so the two of them plus their three other siblings created a band called R5, so now i'm watching all their music videos. i have seen some of them before i believe. but it's just so weird when two worlds collide. i wish i could be in the middle of all those worlds...if that makes sense. i also wish i was talented, like musically. or like an olympic athlete. either of those would be good. actually musically would be better. i don't think i could train as hard as an olympic athlete and give up so much.

now i'm going to go to sleep early today. toodleloos.

hi, i think i'm going to try to write in here a lot more. plus i'm waiting for josh to text me back before i go to sleep and i'm listening to meghan tonjes cover of skinny love, which i love.

the other day when josh and i went to the batman movie i was scared that i was going to get shot like at the shooting in Colorado. i'm too young to die. i have so much i need to do. i have such big ambitions. i have so many people to meet. i have so much more to experience. and i have more i need to do for this world. i need to make my mark. i have so much potential i haven't unlocked yet. i'm going to be great. and not to mention that i want to see this blog be published. i want to walk down the street and see someone sitting on a bench reading a book titled "some random words." i wonder what i would do in that case. would i say something to them? or just let them read it in peace? my first instinct is to say that i would keep walking so they could experience it themselves, but then what if they would love to meet me and if they found out i was right there and i kept walking instead of talking to them?

i talk like i know i'm going to be awesome. well i already am awesome. but i'm going to be even more awesome. i sound so cocky. i'm not actually, you guys probably already know that. if not then i'm not doing a good job writing this blog.

right now i'm really just tired and i should go to sleep. i'm kind of hungry too, but i'm not going to get any food now, that will have to wait until the morning.

i can't wait until i am actually doing something with my life. like when i'm in the best days of my life. but what if when i'm there, i keep thinking it's going to get better, and i keep waiting and wishing for something more? i guess like now. i am all exciting for the future and what is coming, but what if now is the best part of my life. i hope not. the future seems so much brighter. but does your future ever stop being bright? at what part of your life are you not excited for what is yet to come? is there a certain age you reach, a moment in your life? i hope not actually. i hope i am always excited for what is going to come, yet i don't forget to appreciate and enjoy what is happening now.

is it bad that i don't want to?

i should be sleeping now. half an hour ago i said "if i open up my laptop i won't go to sleep for another half an hour" and bingo, Molly knows herself so well.

but i just had a few thoughts for you. last night i had a dream that Travis Clark was my math teacher, and I didn't have any shoes on, and he was some how teaching us math with the beats and notes of Say You Like Me. i was the only one who knew who he was. i thought of Aria and Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars. and i couldn't remember his last name. i could only think of Travis Wall from All the Right Moves, have i mentioned that show yet? there is so much on this blog that i don't talk about...

and once again i can't wait until i am in my element, doing something i love, surrounded by my amazing friends. you see We the Kings and how they are all happy. and now Taylor Mathews went and did his music video shoot today. and the Olympians and how amazing they are. i kind of wish when i was young i picked one thing and really really went for it so i could be in the Olympics. i could actually still go to the Olympics in equestrians, there is a 71 year old competing from Japan. but then i should probably be going to a different college than Babson. maybe i'll have a change of heart in four years from now and focus only on riding. but i'll need to get the money from somewhere = successful business. only problem is that business will take up all my time and i won't have enough time to be become an Olympic athlete.

all these problems you have when you become an amazing person who does thing with her life...in your head. seeing as i did absolutely nothing today. except watch the olympics and wish i was them. and then dive a few times in my grampa's pool and pretend i was in the olympics. and then watch some Meg Kelley videos and wish i was an amazing singer like her (by the way, i think she might actually be 18, i still can't believe that she could be 16), jk her youtube account says she is 16. how the heck is she so gorgeous and grown up at 16? all i was at 16 was awkward and barely decent enough to look at. wait...that's what i look like now too.

i need to sleep. maybe i'll dream about Travis Clark again.

Happy birthday, Esther.