okay updates.

I was a jerked and barely tipped today at breakfast. but I paid for Amelie and ellie. but when I make bad decisions like that they sort of haunt me and I think about them too much. move on molly.

this past week was so stressful with so much to do. oh st. Louis last weekend. I didn't even tell you anything about that.

wait let me go pee and get ready for bed. then maybe i'll write some.

jk I just want to go to sleep.

so I just got pulled over for the first time. maeve and I were going through the tunnel on the way back from auntie lorrie's and there was a police out of his car and he pointed at us and I was so confused. so I kept driving, then he got in his car and pulled us over. but he was mad that I didn't pull over right away. I was just quiet and nodded and said I understood. and then he took my license and registration. and then he was gone for a while. when he came back he said that he was giving me a warning but when a cop points at you and you are the only car around, to pull over, and he understand that people get nervous, but if he didn't want you then he would wave you on, so just pull over to me safe. soooo that kind of sucked but at least I didn't get a ticket. I felt bad that maeve was there and then she still had to drive home 2 hours. but it kind of rattled me. and now i'm just exhausted. I want to sleep but I have so much to do. so I went and hid in the library so I didn't have to talk to Ellie or Amelie or deal with them because I can't interact with people. the concert and then staying at Auntie Lorrie's drained me. I need to recharge for a while.

but anyways that sucked. walk the moon concert was fun. but I guess i'll forget about getting pulled over soon. but now I want a nap. can't molly, you have 4 projects/papers/presentations due soon and next weekend you wont be here soo get hopping.

okay so here is the deal. in my mind I was basically all set with my summer plans. I would stay at auntie lorrie's and I would continue to work at Spotify. I would try to work three days a week, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, or just keep Tues/Thur and get paid $15/hour. and I would keep my babysitting hours as well, on Wednesdays and Friday also getting paid $15/hour. and I would hang out with Ellie and my family and it would be a summer more focused on making money and just continuing the good life I got going here. I also didn't really have any other options.

but then I just found out that I got offered an internship at ole, a music publishing company in Nashville. they only offer 2 positions every summer. but it is unpaid. and I would have to pay to rent a place in Nashville. but the internship is closer aligned with what I want to do. not exactly since it is working with licensing songs and the lyrics but it would be working with songwriters and directly with artists. at Spotify I am so removed from the artists and it is a technology company than a music company. i'm not even involved with the people working with labels and such. but maybe it will get me connections? well so would ole. and I would try to get a babysitting job, which I tried last time too but didn't work out. but I think I could try to do the whole Nashville thing better this time, especially now that i'm a year older. but I would miss Maeve's graduation and my birthday wouldn't be spent with Ellie and I was happy just being in Boston for the summer so I could stay close to my family and all. but looking at my career and what I want to do, ole is closer aligned with that.

but I haven't heard gotten it confirmed from Spotify yet that I can stay.

here is probably what will happen:
- if Spotify confirms, I will probably stay here and go to Spotify because how can I turn down a paid internship with such a huge recognizable company like Spotify
- if Spotify says no, I will be more likely to go to Nashville unless sometimes pops up in Boston....

goodness, choices about my career and life and all. fun stuff.

so another thing that continually bugs me and is one of those things I think about when i'm like "ugh yucky things" or whatever. so during the first orientation week when I was exchange peer mentor some of the boys asked me to drive them to get alcohol. so of course wanting to be friends with them and since I had a car and nothing to do, I did. and of course I was stupid and went in with them. and i'm not 21 and neither was another one of the boys. so the guys says that he has to see all of our IDs and I saw we aren't 21, we aren't buying anything. and he was like sorry, rules are rules. so we can't buy anything there and we have to drive elsewhere. and the next place was more expensive and farther away. and I felt really bad and stupid. like I should have known that. but I was an idiot. and it still bugs me way more than it should. but I guess if that is the only thing that bugs me that isn't a really bad mistake to make, I guess it could have been worse. but I just wish I would forget it happened. maybe after this semester I will forget. but I am hoping that by writing it out I will forget. i'm pretty sure the boys already forgot or if they remember they don't hold it against me. i'm not really that close or friends with them, but I still say hi and check with them when I see them. so whatever. get over it molly and move on with your life. stop thinking about it. easier said than done.

okay I think i'm going to do talk to Derek on facebook because i'm sick of Netflix and I don't know what else to do and I still got another half hour babysitting...

I would say before I started babysitting this family I always wanted to have girls, if I have kids. just because I grew up with two sisters and I have almost always babysat girls. but now I am babysitting this family of two boys and one little girl. and the boys are adorable and I love them. not that i'm supposed to have favorites but griffin, the 6 year old is my favorite. he is so adorable and just lovable and always has things he wants to tell me and he like to hold my hand and sit on my lap and play with me. and then today we were reading a book where it says that kissing is gross and he pauses and says "can I just say something? people say kissing is gross but I don't think so" to which his brother, who is 8 says "yes it is!" but it was just so adorable. so basically what I am saying is that little boys are so cute and adorable. and the older one grant is so cute too. we were dancing before bed.

I don't know if I will have kids. I say that and I instantly think of everyone saying "what are you saying molly you are so good with kids! you babysit all the time!" yeah I love kids and I love hanging out with them for a few hours but to actually raise them and be with them all the time. that is a full time job. and what if I mess up. I don't know how my mom raised us, I can't remember how she disciplined us or what she did or how to raise kids. I have no idea. and plus if I am going to raise kids I want it to be my full time job, I don't want to have another job or things to worry about. but I also want to have a successful career in the music industry. so then it is pressure like if I want to have kids that I need to have my career all sorted out beforehand and be satisfied with it so I can be happy to "retire" and be a full-time mom. so that's the kind of pressure i'm dealing with. well not really since it is so far off. but at the same time as I am saying I might not have kids right now it is hard to imagine me not being a mom. I want a family and all. but I also want a successful career.

anyways college basketball is on the tv and all I can think about is how they are still kids, they are just college students. so much pressure. so many people watching. such a big deal. yet they are just my age. they are kids. that is what I was thinking and now they are showing a guy on the losing team who is crying on the sidelines because there is less than a minute less and they are losing by 20. they came so close, to the final four, and then they lose it. it must be so much pressure and so crazy. but then come Monday they will be back in class again. just kids.

I should be doing work, I didn't do nearly as much today as I should have. oh well.

hi i'm tired but I can't fall asleep. I thought if maybe i wrote a blog post i would be able to do since i have so much going on in my head. nothing important but just lots of stuff.

so for the summer it looks like i am leaning towards staying at Spotify and living at auntie lorrie's house. i don't have that confirmed though because when i asked matt he said they weren't sure if they were going to have interns through the summer...so i am hoping i can just stay through, but if i can't then that might be a problem since i don't really have any other options. i applied to one in Nashville but haven't heard back. i have another i can email and ask. and then there were some AEG ones that i came but i haven't applied. i probs won't until i know that i don't have Spotify. but just staying in boston would be the best thing for me i think. i'll be with my friends. i'll get some money and i won't spend a ton on housing. i'll still be gaining experience. and i can just figure out my life. and i can be there for my family and maeve's graduation and everything that happens there. so hopefully i can stay there. i'll probably ask matt again on Thursday...ahh the waiting game where everything is in limbo and you have no control.

like housing numbers. we were lucky and Amelie got the best lottery number for housing that we could have gotten given we are all current juniors. but there are 65 current seniors who are doing housing, and we think about 30 of them are picking before Amelie for 4 person suite and there are only about 30 suites....so we are right on the edge. we just have to hope that some of those 30 will live with each other so Amelie can get the suite. but basically all we can do is wait until Friday morning when Amelie will get to pick...

also i still am hung up on how attractive Gene is and he participates in my cultural anthropology class. and i have been participating a lot too, at least last class, and i don't know if i sound smart or stupid. and i overthink what i say. and i don't know if he even thinks about me beyond the fact that i'm saying something in class. but he is very attractive. and that's basically all i know about him.. i would like to think that he is nice and really cool too but i have no way of knowing. so i come up with scenarios in my head where we start talking or whatever...but all of them are very unlikely to actually happen. so until then i'll just look at him and wonder if he is looking at me and thinking about me. awks. whatevs. he's attractive. a girl can dream.

i'm dog sitting this week so i get to go on fun walk adventures but then i also have to deal with the dog. i have to be there every morning, afternoon, and evening. so I've been waking up early which is a pain. and then today the dog was going crazy wanting to play so she turned to biting me and attacking me so i just threw her ouside. last time i let her out without the leash she came when i called her. this time she went running over to the neighbors house where their dogs were out. i went over there and they said it was fine if she played, they would bring her back. so that's what happened. and i felt kind of awkward and bad like i'm a bad dog owner. but whatever. that is what it is. i'll be there again tomorrow morning bright and early, and again in the afternoon, and again in the evening...ugggh still doing that until Wednesday. but i'll get like $200 at the end of it so hopefully it has been worth it...that's a month's payment to pay off my loan so i guess it is worth it

there was something else...oh right. so Amelie and ellie are gone for the weekend off to nyc to visit ellie's mom. so i am here by myself. which is part of the reason why i can't fall asleep because i'm used to Amelie being here so i'm lonely and it is strange...but i wasn't planning on doing anything for easter, probably just eating by myself. but then my mom suggested i go to auntie lorrie's so i was just texting her and i now i get to go over there. yay! so i'm excited for that because i do like to do family things. i mean i would have been fine and would have just brushed off the fact that i would be doing easter alone, but i really do like to spend it with family.

i have a ton of projects to do. big asm group presentation and paper. big arts and entertainment management group presentation and paper. cultural anthropology presentation and paper. global pop paper. i mean i'll get it all done but it is all due at the same time. and i am going to be in st. Louis before it is all due. yeah! in two weekends i'll be in in st. Louis with my mom which is crazy but i'm excited, it should be fun! it just means i have to get a lot of my work done ahead of time, which i'm not doing too well at yet since i didn't do anything today. but tomorrow i am forcing myself to go to the library so hopefully i'll get a lot done. and now i will be at auntie lorrie's for part of the day sunday so less time to work. but hopefully i can get everything done.

i had dinner with my dad the other week, which wasn't that bad. i'm getting more used to it. basically just avoid all the yucky stuff and we're fine. i haven't heard from him since then. he basically just texts me when he is going to be near by to see if i want to meet up. which is fine my me. my sisters are still not talking to him but maeve feels bad and has thought about it. but apparently auntie Julie didn't talk to her dad when he married my gramma for a year so we will see what happens. but sort of quiet on that front.

i am still messaging derek. for a bit i was messaging him a lot, i haven't talked to him since last Friday and i am waiting for me to message me first. which he has done maybe two times, once because he had a specific question, the other just because. so i have been waiting to talk to him, 1. because i don't have anything to say 2. because i don't want to be annoying 3. i don't want to get attached. i am happy when i message him and i enjoy it but i need to stop building him up and making him into more of a fantasy than what the reality is. he is my friend and he is in Arizona. the odds of me seeing him anytime soon are very slim. and while you can have close online friends, i'm really not about that life. it's too hard to know what the other person is thinking or feeling. so i am just going to try to distance myself and see how involved he wants to be. but derek being derek probably doesn't really think about messaging me, he's probably just like she will message me if she wants to, and i'll be happy to talk to her when she does, but if she doesn't no problem either.

i'm trying to think if there is anything else i have been thinking about. i mean I've been babysitting but that has been pretty uneventful. i can't forget that i have to babysit at 6:30 tomorrow. i am planning to go to a temple with Hanishka for my cultural anthropology project and we were going to go tomorrow at some point. but the time and event i wanted to go to is cancelled because of the lunar eclipse so she is going to call and see if they are open and what is going on. but that has been a pain to find something to do. i have to go to a ritual and do field research like i am analysizing their culture of whatever. so something i am not familiar. i was thinking about doing a folk festival but then that fell through for whatever reason: oh right, Amelie was going to go with me but then she wanted to go to an event on campus but then we ended up not going to anything...whatever. but i am kind of like ehhh about going to the temple because it isn't all that interested and i have to preset it to the class and this is the class that Gene is in so of course i want it to be good. but whatever. i will have fun going with hanishka and spending time with her because she is graduating this semester! here and Vivian will both be gone in a little more than a month! so sad! i'm going to miss them! and the reality is setting in about graduation and ahhh.

okay i am feeling exhausted now. i first tried to fall asleep a hour and a half ago...i have to be away in 9 hours. i think i have been typing this for almost a half an hour. ahh my life is crazy.

oh maeve got denied by most of her school because she applied to basically all reach schools...except for Wheaton which she got into and is a good fit. i think it is just as well because all those top schools are stressful and i think maeve just needs a good place where she feels comfortable in. i think wheaton will be good. sure it isn't fancy but it is a good school and it is in a good location, about 40 minutes from babson. and our former dean hanno is now president hanno there. and the dean of admissions who admitted me to babson, admitted maeve to wheaton which is pretty cool. so i am trying to make her feel better about going there, but it is hard because she feels like she doesn't have a choice, which doesn't make it sound as good...

okay my wrist hurts now. i'm sure as soon as i close my laptop though i'll think about something that will keep me up and i didn't write about. but hopefully this means i can get some sleep now even though Amelie isn't here and i'm alone...goodnight!