the first time i died was an accident. the car wasn't paying attention. i wasn't paying attention. and that was that. but the second i saw him, i knew that i would die a thousand times just to see him again.

the thing about death is that it's almost like a switch. you feel this immense amount of pain, more than you can imagine. every ounce of your being is screaming in agony. then it stops. and you know you're dead. he comes so quickly though that you don't even have a chance to think about your former life or what is happening. at least i did. he is nothing like i've ever seen before. completely jet black eyes, dark dark black hair. so black that it looks like it isn't even there. his skin though. it wasn't light or dark. it was like he was absorbing all light around him. not like there as any light. i had no idea where i was - i was floating. just being. i don't even know if my body was there. i was only concerned with him. before i could even think about thinking he said "it's time" and suddenly i was being drawn toward him. taken into his body. i felt more alive in that moment then i ever had. which is funny because i was dead. but i felt complete. and whole. and safe. and like i was home. and that was it.
________________
Drip. Drip. Drip. Every time the water hits the ground I want to rip my hair out. It's like a constant reminder of how slow time is passing. And how horrible this school is that they can't even repair a leak. Maybe they expected me to do it. You know the whole community college thing - we're all in this together.




okay okay - so i saw this post on tumblr and i really wanted to write it. i mean it has almost 90,000 notes so i'm sure someone actually has started to write it or whatever. but this is what it said: "MOVIE ABOUT A PERSON WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH DEATH AND CONTINUOUSLY COMMITS MURDER IN ORDER TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM UNTIL DEATH IS FINALLY LIKE “YOU ARE MAKING MY JOB SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TO BE LETS JUST GO OUT FOR A COFFEE OR SOMETHING JESUS FUCK” so that above is what i started writing. the first part would be sort of like an intro. and then the second part will be her second life. like she doesn't know that she has been alive before. new family, new life. but then once she reaches the same age she died last time she will have this strange feeling that she is missing someone, keeps looking around for them. or that she wants to die. maybe she will go to someone's funeral and know that she wants to die. then she will kill herself and see him again. and it will go through a few lives until once she reaches a certain age she remembers everything and instantly kills herself. and then we will get to the point when death realizes what is going on and she will end up marrying him...or whatever you do with death. pretty cool, right? if i had time i would write it but i really don't. maybe i will eventually but you have that little bit.

but i wanted to tell you all that i actually went out and drank last night. i just drank enough to be slightly tipsy, not drunk. but i had fun. and i liked it. still not extremely comfortable but i figure the more i go out, the more comfortable i will be. and drinking isn't like a huge sin. you just have to be smart. i knew that i couldn't handle a ton, so i just had some of Emily's. finished Emma's and finished off another beer. so not that much at all. and i was with smart people. and i knew i would be fine. i mean it must have made me feel somewhat better and more comfortable but i still felt like myself. i also didn't drink that much.

but i have to catch you up with dylan as well. sooo basically after spending a day at umass he dropped out because he saw his ex and basically broke down right then and there. so he obviously still likes her a lot. but he started talking to me a lot more. and we basically moved pretty quickly. like he made me define the relationship. which is more than friend but not a relationship. and then he asked what i thought of him. which somehow turned into me listing all the things i like about him. but remember i haven't even met this kid! and then he was thinking of coming up this weekend and staying over at babson. and when he said that i was just like: wait, what? i was so overwhelmed and everything just hit me. and i was explaining to him that when Josh came over in the past it didn't go over so well. and he asked me what happened. and i'm explaining it and i start crying and completely broke down. like it was really bad. everything hit me and i blamed myself for everything. and it was too much. and i felt bad for dylan because he didn't know what to do. i really needed him to comfort me but he just didn't say anything. i think i scared him. but really it had been a long week and we moved way too fast. so i told him that we need to go on a regular date before he stays over. and i said he could come up yesterday for dinner. and basically he said he couldn't. so i said that maybe i'll go out instead. and he said "i bet you'll stay in" and i said "how much?" and basically he bet $5 that i wouldn't go out. so i went out. and i drank. and i snapped it all to him to rub it in his face. and i haven't talked to him yet today. so i don't even know what is going on. but whatever. over it basically. meaning, i'll just see how it goes. not going to worry about it.

but now the grammy's are on. so byeeee.