the first time i died was an accident. the car wasn't paying attention. i wasn't paying attention. and that was that. but the second i saw him, i knew that i would die a thousand times just to see him again.

the thing about death is that it's almost like a switch. you feel this immense amount of pain, more than you can imagine. every ounce of your being is screaming in agony. then it stops. and you know you're dead. he comes so quickly though that you don't even have a chance to think about your former life or what is happening. at least i did. he is nothing like i've ever seen before. completely jet black eyes, dark dark black hair. so black that it looks like it isn't even there. his skin though. it wasn't light or dark. it was like he was absorbing all light around him. not like there as any light. i had no idea where i was - i was floating. just being. i don't even know if my body was there. i was only concerned with him. before i could even think about thinking he said "it's time" and suddenly i was being drawn toward him. taken into his body. i felt more alive in that moment then i ever had. which is funny because i was dead. but i felt complete. and whole. and safe. and like i was home. and that was it.
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Drip. Drip. Drip. Every time the water hits the ground I want to rip my hair out. It's like a constant reminder of how slow time is passing. And how horrible this school is that they can't even repair a leak. Maybe they expected me to do it. You know the whole community college thing - we're all in this together.




okay okay - so i saw this post on tumblr and i really wanted to write it. i mean it has almost 90,000 notes so i'm sure someone actually has started to write it or whatever. but this is what it said: "MOVIE ABOUT A PERSON WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH DEATH AND CONTINUOUSLY COMMITS MURDER IN ORDER TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM UNTIL DEATH IS FINALLY LIKE “YOU ARE MAKING MY JOB SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TO BE LETS JUST GO OUT FOR A COFFEE OR SOMETHING JESUS FUCK” so that above is what i started writing. the first part would be sort of like an intro. and then the second part will be her second life. like she doesn't know that she has been alive before. new family, new life. but then once she reaches the same age she died last time she will have this strange feeling that she is missing someone, keeps looking around for them. or that she wants to die. maybe she will go to someone's funeral and know that she wants to die. then she will kill herself and see him again. and it will go through a few lives until once she reaches a certain age she remembers everything and instantly kills herself. and then we will get to the point when death realizes what is going on and she will end up marrying him...or whatever you do with death. pretty cool, right? if i had time i would write it but i really don't. maybe i will eventually but you have that little bit.

but i wanted to tell you all that i actually went out and drank last night. i just drank enough to be slightly tipsy, not drunk. but i had fun. and i liked it. still not extremely comfortable but i figure the more i go out, the more comfortable i will be. and drinking isn't like a huge sin. you just have to be smart. i knew that i couldn't handle a ton, so i just had some of Emily's. finished Emma's and finished off another beer. so not that much at all. and i was with smart people. and i knew i would be fine. i mean it must have made me feel somewhat better and more comfortable but i still felt like myself. i also didn't drink that much.

but i have to catch you up with dylan as well. sooo basically after spending a day at umass he dropped out because he saw his ex and basically broke down right then and there. so he obviously still likes her a lot. but he started talking to me a lot more. and we basically moved pretty quickly. like he made me define the relationship. which is more than friend but not a relationship. and then he asked what i thought of him. which somehow turned into me listing all the things i like about him. but remember i haven't even met this kid! and then he was thinking of coming up this weekend and staying over at babson. and when he said that i was just like: wait, what? i was so overwhelmed and everything just hit me. and i was explaining to him that when Josh came over in the past it didn't go over so well. and he asked me what happened. and i'm explaining it and i start crying and completely broke down. like it was really bad. everything hit me and i blamed myself for everything. and it was too much. and i felt bad for dylan because he didn't know what to do. i really needed him to comfort me but he just didn't say anything. i think i scared him. but really it had been a long week and we moved way too fast. so i told him that we need to go on a regular date before he stays over. and i said he could come up yesterday for dinner. and basically he said he couldn't. so i said that maybe i'll go out instead. and he said "i bet you'll stay in" and i said "how much?" and basically he bet $5 that i wouldn't go out. so i went out. and i drank. and i snapped it all to him to rub it in his face. and i haven't talked to him yet today. so i don't even know what is going on. but whatever. over it basically. meaning, i'll just see how it goes. not going to worry about it.

but now the grammy's are on. so byeeee.

thank goodness for Emma. I love her so much. I can just talk to her about everything. she is the only person that basically knows everything that is going on in my life. no one else is even remotely close.

she is just so amazing. she is so caring and she listens and she always knows the right things to say. and she is like that to everyone. she is so open and everyone loves her and she is just this amazing person. I honestly want to be more like her.

but Emma - thank you. thank you for being such a great friend and a great person and for being you. I love you. and i'll never be able to fully express how much you help me.

hi so i need to give you an update.

Dylan didn't go on a date with me on wednesday. he had umass orientation and basically had a shit day so after that he wasn't feeling up to a date. which i understand. but there are some other things that are pissing me off. like that i've talked to him for maybe a week and that he has dragged me into all of this shit. and it's not even like he shares all his feelings, he just says enough so he pulls me in and makes me worried and makes me feel bad and like i should be helping him. but not enough so i really know how he is feeling or so i can really help him. like he tells me his ex just texted him. and then barely texts me for the rest of the night. doesn't fill me in on details, just lets me suffer and feel bad for him. and then when i text him to say i'm going to sleep and let me know if he wants to go out or whatnot the next day (this was all tuesday night) he just goes "i'm sorry" so of course i have to be like, it's not your fault, it's fine, then i say "just try to get at least some sleep tonight" to which he replies "i won't". like what the fuck am i supposed to reply to that with? so i didn't, i just went to sleep myself.

it's bad. because i let myself get attached too quickly. texting him all the time. skyping. i don't regret it, it was fun, but at the same time i became too depend on him for my happiness. i let myself get sucked into his pit of self-pity.

and then today he doesn't text me all day until like 8 when he says since the last time he texted me all he has done is sleep and watch tv. and i think back to when he said he was he wouldn't have time for the rest of week for a date. hmmm. today would have been perfect for a date. right after i went out with Dana i could have just stayed out later no problem. but instead he decides to be a jerk.

and i felt bad because he actually came up in conversation with Dana. because we were talking about Clare, his ex, who was also a camp counselor, and who is Dana's friend. and Dana was like "did she talk about her boyfriend at all?" and i was like nooo, not really, why? and she said because they just broke up after two years...and i'm all like that sucks. and she was like yeah, he was a jerk, but really nice..."well really nice to her but not so nice to other people. and i never liked him anyways" and i feel bad because i have been talking to him for the past week and i know the whole story and the history between him and Dana. but it was interesting. it also reminded me that Dana is my true friend and this is just some kid i met over some stupid hook up app.

so basically i'm taking a step back and trying to be independent. like he can text me if he wants to. i'm not going to text him first. i'm going to assume that he doesn't want to go out with me since he couldn't do it Wednesday and didn't make an effort today even though he said he didn't do anything...and there is the fact that he never asked me about my day today so i didn't share. and honestly if he didn't text me today i wouldn't have talked to him at all.

soo i'm not sure if i will talk about him anymore on here because i'm moving on. it's really up to him if he wants to stay in contact with me or not. because if he stops texting me, i'm not looking back. and i think i'm done with tinder. i'm talking to another guy now, so we will see where that goes and then i'm done. i'm going to focus on real face to face connections with people in real life. i'm excited for school for real people and friends and not this whole fake stuff through text and skype.

well there's my update i guess. i'm going to ignore everything else going on in my life for now.

hi so i need to get my life back on track.

like literally all i did while i was house sitting was be hung up on this guy. (i'm listening to hung up by hot chelle rae so that's where i got that from) but seriously i texted him whenever i could and always was thinking about him. i forgot how sickening having a crush can be. it just consumes you.

and then he says he doesn't know if he can go on his date because his umass orientation might go all day and he can't do any other day. so i was basically crushed and sad. i mean i know that it wasn't going to go anywhere but i still wanted to meet him and have one nice date. i haven't been on a date in a while. and i've only been on dates with josh. i want to go have nice dates. but i mean i guess that saves having to explain to my mom where i'm going. but still. i'm hoping that he will get out of orientation and be like "come meet me please!!!!" and then i'll get all excited and have all butterflies and figure out something to say to my mom and then get out of here.

but i mean i'm texting another guy from tinder too. i am pretty sure i'm going to have to delete it because it is time consuming and while it can be flattering, i want to meet someone in real life. not through a hookup app.

but i was slumming it last night when i found out the date might not exist. and then when i got home today i was literally sleeping on the couch and didn't want to get up. but then i gave myself a little pep talk - i literally said it out loud to myself.

i was like: molly, why are you like this? because i'm tired. well you can still be happy and tired. you can still get stuff done and be tired. and i'm unhappy because i might not have a date and i don't know if he actually likes me and it's all stupid anyways. molly, you are letting a boy you haven't even met control your happiness. you can be happy with or without him. you know you're amazing. plus guys are attracted to girls to who love themselves and do things that they love. so get up, love yourself, and go do something you love.

and it helped. i need to give myself pep talks more often.

also i just thought i would share a little philosophy i have. whenever i'm going through something unpleasant or that i don't like: such as a 2 hour car ride when i have to pee and i'm hungry. or stubbing my toe really hard. or something of that nature. i tell myself it's practice, training, for later when i really matters and i have to woman up. and it helps. it makes me pull myself together and sort of be happy that i'm going through this experience since it's practice and helping me get ready for the future. but isn't that what all experience we go through for? to get us ready to more exp

[i had just stopped that post then, i saw it was a draft after i posted my last one...so i'll finish the sentence...to get us ready to experience even more and more and just get through life. everything we go through in life is to help us get through something else later.]

holy crap.

like i basically just got asked out.

and i started talking to him because of a stupid hook-up app.

like what is my life right now.

he gives me stupid butterflies.

i never asked for this!

okay let me tell you what's up. i downloaded this app in the middle of the night on...Monday night I think. i have no idea why, i saw someone post about it on twitter or something and i just randomly got it. and then i was addicted to it. basically you have like 5 photos of yourself and a bio and then it shows you all the guys around the area and when their picture pops up you can either like it or reject it. and if the guy likes you too then you can start talking. so when i first started doing this it was just really flattering that so many guys that i liked also liked me. and then you would talk and it was interesting. some guys i talked to more than others. and i did that for a few days. it was literally like a game. i have over 100 matches of guys who liked me back. i haven't talked to all of them, but i have talked to a lot of them. it's pointless and stupid. some jump right to the chase of meeting up or hooking up. but some i actually have a good conversation with and they are interesting.

but then i started talking to this one guy, who in some of his pictures he was at prom with Clare who is Dana's friend and was a camp counselor as well. so actually after i liked his picture i regretted and it and was like oh crap, maybe that is not good if i know Clare. but anyways i forgot about that and then he messaged me a while later. and we sort of hit it off i guess. i told him i knew Clare and all. and somehow he got my phone number (his tinder was lagging...sure) and we basically have texted every chance we have since then. like i don't even know i like talking to him so much. and then we skyped today which wasn't awkward and i love it so much when he smiles. fuck fuck i didn't say that.

anyways now he wants to bring me to get ice cream. like on a date. and i am just thinking how the heck am i going to do that without my family knowing. i mean i could tell them but i don't want to go through how i know him, blah blah. because i don't think they would take it too well if i told them the truth. sooo i think i am going to sneak out to see a guy. but it's not a big deal because if i was at school, i wouldn't have to tell my mom where i'm going. soooo.

and there is the thing that i'm going to go on this date then we are both going to go off to school and that's going to be that. i can't do a long distant relationship again. i mean friends i guess. over the summer i might not even be around and then i'll be in shanghai. i can't have a boyfriend. whoaaaa there molly, you are jumping to boyfriend very quickly. it's just one date. you haven't even met the boy in person yet.

but anyways, he is really nice and sweet. i think. from what i can tell.


ummm hi it's 4:26 am and i'm still awake because i was talking to Dylan the whole time. well he couldn't talk because his parents were sleeping, so he was typing his responses and i was talking. we were on skype for like 4 hours. we have been talking for like 3 days. and we were acting like boyfriend/girlfriend.

whatever, i'm not going to read into it. we both know that it isn't going anywhere because we both can't do long distance, plus he is going to umass and going to meet a bunch of new girls. but he said we could still be friends.  but honestly i could have easily stayed up another 4 hours just talking with him. but now i really need to sleep. messed up sleeping patterns for the win!

but he said he has a crush on me. and i also said i have a crush on him. so it's fun.

hi. it's 2014.

i just decided a second ago that i'm going to write a letter to my sisters. i was going to write about what i did today but i think this is more important.

you are both so beautiful. so strong. so smart. so amazing. you make it look so effortless. i know all that you have to go through - actually i don't. you have it ten times harder than i ever did. i'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. but i hope you know that you are still blessed and there are still so many people that love you.

know that you can have the world. don't settle. you go get what you want. not what anyone else wants for you. and that is hard. it is hard to know what you want and once you do know, it's hard to follow your heart. but do it because you will be happier in the end.

don't let anyone tell you what you should feel and what you should think. feel what you feel. think what you think. people will try to shut you down and make you feel like you don't matter. you do. you matter and your thoughts and feelings are so important. share them with the world.

even when i'm not home and i'm off at school, i think about you guys all the time. i always mention you. i'm so proud of both of you. you are my such a huge part of my life. i can't imagine where i would be, who i would be, without you.

just know that you are everything you are meant to be. and hold on to yourself and to each other. you mean to world to me. and i love you.