umm updates:

- my car got towed

- i had an interview with Rounder Records today

- Maeve has a mustang baby she is training

- it's spring break right now

- the purple hair is going bye bye tomorrow, i don't think i'm going to re-dye it

- i'm listening to cody simpson right now...he's on dancing with the stars currently

- it's cold right now

- dolly was crazy yesterday and i didn't ride her today so we will see how tomorrow goes

- i survived midterms, and the three i got back so far: managerial accounting 91, oceanography 93, operations 97. so basically i'm a bad-ass bitch when it comes to dominating these midterms. i still have to get IT and Macro back which might not have been as good.

i'm trying to think of other updates. i think those are the most important ones. oh did i tell you i'm accepting to Shanghai? well via Babson, i still have to apply to CIEE which i have to do this week. but if this Rounder Records thing works out then in 2 months i'll be living in Nashville, then i'll be off to Shanghai for a semester. wow. my life is changing and i'm doing big things. proud of myself. yeah yeah.

um i think that is all i wanted to tell you. taylor is coming back. but i don't even know if i'll be here because i'll be in nashville. i'll have to come spend the weekend here. anyways. now back to whatever i was doing before i go to sleep.

night!

concerts so far this year:

- Taylor Mathews/Ryan Dilmore/Zach Michael house show
- Paradise Fears/Sunderland

coming soon:
- Imagine Dragons/The Naked and Famous/Nico Vega
- Demi Lovato/Fifth Harmony/Little Mix
- AJR

I feel like there was another before Taylor but I can't remember...and that's really frustrating.

this time in 2009 I was going through typical high school teenage drama/emotions
2010 still typical high school stuff, reading, boys, Glee concert
2011 had a bad day, dealing with high school stuff, got 60s on stuff for a class, fell off, discovered Taylor Mathews's youtube
2012 complaining about how josh controlled my mood because I liked him so much
2013 talking about breaking up with josh and how my family was falling apart

now? life is good. I am just exhausted from studying. midterms tomorrow. planning concerts. thinking too much about a boy who means nothing right now and probably doesn't think of me (my new plan is to try to talk to him almost every day since I have classes with him everyday, got today down), and just living my awesome college lifestyle.

but isn't it really cool that I have 5 years of my life already on here and i'm working on my 7th?! so crazy. but so awesome I guess. even though you're missing major chunks but that's okay. I think for the most part the major things are here - except I never wrote about the house concert at all...

hi. i got accepted to go to China in the fall. so i am going to be studying in Shanghai from August 31st to December 14th. woooo. i'm excited. Roxy is going! and then the kids on BRIC are coming so i can't wait to see them as well. ah it's just going to be so good, so so good! i'm going to miss my family a lot but i feel like i'm sort of at that point of my life where i just have to do what is right for me even if that means not seeing my family. i have to go out and be myself and see things and figure out this world.

but what else. i hate myself for driving myself crazy thinking about hanson who isn't even that attractive but someone wedged it into my head that he is very good looking and we would look very good together and that he is a good kid and blah. i hate myself. no i don't actually. but i hate that my brain will obsess over someone. like i want to go to trim just in case he is there. every time i leave my dorm i am looking around for him. like what the hell, molly? you have barely talked to him. you had no idea if he is interested in your at all. you are just some random girl who has a lot of classes with him. like he probably thinks nothing of you. he probably has a girlfriend. or likes some other girl. and most definitely he doesn't give a damn about me.

but i do this thing where i am like...what if? and i want to talk to him. and it would be fine if i only thought about it when he was around. like i saw him and was like...oh let me go talk to him. not me sitting here writing a stupid blog post about him. it is so stupid.

and like i've said before i don't even want a boyfriend. okay molly, let's stop lying to yourself right now. i would love to have a boyfriend. but it would be a ton of work and it doesn't make sense to have one. but i want a boyfriend where things don't make sense and it's just crazy and even though everything says we won't make it and won't stay together...we do. we will work like hell on it but we will love it and we will want to. and that's what i want. it's just hard to find that so i am not really looking, also because i don't really need it.

plus it is fun to be single in new places sometimes. but it is also fun to show your boyfriend around your new home.

i really need to stop thinking about it. but i don't have anything else to really focus on. i had midterms, aced those, plus you get sick of thinking of school. i have to wait to hear back from internships. i really don't have a lot going on that consumes a lot of my thinking.

i guess i will focus on school and being nice and kind and just the most amazing person i can be. and i will try to forget about boys for a bit. good idea.

also, i am working on a project for Taylor Mathews as well. just saying.

i have so much to catch you up on. the paradise fears/sunderland concert seems like forever ago.

and the taylor house party seems like two forevers ago.

i'm exhausted now though. i was in the library from 2 to 12 with Amelie and was deliriously tired by the end.

and i'm doing that stupid thing where i have a crush on a boy who i don't really know and i think about him too much and my stomach does that stupid butterfly thing. the problem is though that i have barely talked to him and really don't know anything about him. and i shouldn't have a crush on him. and i should stop thinking about him. and honestly i need to stop being an idiot. and i need to stop thinking about boys. i'm a happy self-confident independent woman who doesn't need or want a man. i have to focus on school and making money and getting an internship this semester. and then this summer i need to focus on my internship. then in the fall i'll be in china. (even though this crush is going on the BRIC program so he will be in China for a bit during the fall just saying...but who knows what our relationship will be then (meaning friends, enemies, not talking, acquaintances, madly in love, etc))

i had a nice dinner out with Amelie and Ellie today though. we focused on positive things and smiled and laughed a lot. and i just really love them. and yeah. now i should sleep. i got like 6 hours last night and i am so exhausted. so i am going to go sleep now. maybe i'll catch you up on everything soon.

there is something so magically to have the whole crowd singing along in time and so loudly you can barely even hear the main singer. it is almost like that is how you are supposed to hear the song. with everyone who has been changed for the better and affected by the song. with everyone who understands it. with everyone who now owns the song. as soon as that song is sent into the world the fans are the one who take it and give it life and give it meaning and turn it into something amazing. so it is only right to hear it being sung with the people who make it what it is.

i'm saying this because i went to a paradise fears concert and it was so magical. but i recorded a lot for the audio and i'm going through to make it into mp3s and when everyone sang Sanctuary it was amazing. you could just feel how much that song meant to everyone who was singing it as loud as they could. they were thanking Sam and all of Paradise Fears by singing along. and they were letting them know how much that song means to them by knowing every word.

that concert was "Acoustic and in the Round" so the stage was a circle and everyone was surrounding them. it was such an intimate and awesome concert. unlike anything i have ever seen. i was really there to see Sunderland and then i looked up Paradise Fears and really liked them too. so i didn't know all of their songs. but i still felt so connected. but at the same time i could appreciate the concert almost removed a bit because i wasn't as emotionally invested as the rest of the fans. and it was such an amazing experience. i can't explain what it was like to look around and see all of those people just singing along and so happy and looking at the band and knowing how they are living their dream. and it was so magical.

and i loved seeing Sunderland, they are so nice and i really do love them a lot. and they sounded so amazing. and they are just such great people.

i haven't told you anything about our days with Taylor. and i'm not sure if i want to tell you everything now. maybe i should. let me think about it. if i do, i am going to do it in a separate blog post. but Paradise Fears - you guys put on an amazing concert. thank you.

hi can I complain for a little bit? okay so I don't know what I last wrote in here, hold on. okay yeah so you know how Dylan was all like: I was going to suggest coming up this weekend? And that I freaked out and shut that down. and I have been trying to make it up to him, I suggested one weekend he could come up: he didn't. and then this weekend he went to stonehill to visit his friend which is only 30 minutes away. and I was dogsitting all day so it was a perfect time for him to come visit. and he was all like, i'll have to wait and see....I don't know my plans. and at the same time asking if we could cuddle. likeeee either make it happen or don't. tell me if you know you aren't going to come so i'm not just waiting around. it's not a big deal if you decide not to come, but what really annoys me is when you just have me waiting around. but then his phone dies. he says a minute before it dies that it is going to die so basically just ruining any chance we had of meeting up. actually no. he could have gotten a charger - he has an iphone. he could have borrowed someone's laptop and talked to me on facebook. like it's obvious that he didn't put in any effort to see me - after giving me a hard time for not having time for him to come up. then I make all this time. like fuck you. and then he just drives home - he was saying how he was going to stay for the superbowl, and he couldn't ditch his friend, and that Natick was on the way home so if he went there he would be ditching his friend. and then he goes home. he could have easily stopped at Natick to see me but he didn't. of course. and when he gets home he texts me and says his phone dies and he is sorry and feels bad. so I say, not going to lie i'm pretty annoyed. and then he responds with: "Alright, to be honest I think you and I should stop talking, you are being way to pushy and I just don't need that right now, I'm sorry" to which I just said "fine by me."

this is what gets me. he says all this amazing stuff about me. like how i'm fantastic and how he wants to see me and cuddle and how i'm smart and beautiful and amazing. and then he just cuts me out because I am being too pushy and I wanted to see him. granted I was being probably too pushy, but at the same time I just like knowing the plan for the day and not having last minute stuff going on. like if I knew we weren't doing lunch I would have gotten lunch before coming here. and gahhh. so frustrating.

maybe I have a different philosophy about friends. I always go out of my way for my friends. like for anything. Ellie asks me to go hang out with her so she doesn't have to be alone. I will. go see Michelle singing at pub. stay up late talking with people. like friends to me are so important and I try to always do things for them. that was one of the things that annoyed me the most about Abby, that she didn't go out of her way to come support me. and Dylan didn't make effort to see me when he easily could have. so that pisses me off. especially after everything. he dragged me into his shit. he made me tell him what I liked about him - he literally asked that question. and then he got offended when I said we were friends - like that the hell? you really aren't more than my friend. I've never fucking met you, you said you don't want a relationship and I don't want one either. I'VE NEVER MET YOU and every time I've tried you have shut that down.

okay yeah I didn't realize it but he really was a toxic person in my life that I do not need whatsoever. I tried to help him and support him through the shit he was going through. did he help me through anything? nope, he just made me break down at one point. he was supposed to be a fun distraction but nahhh he really was more of a pain in the neck than anything else.

yep i'm going to go delete him from everything just so I can have a clean start. I really don't need him in my life. I mean he is a good kid, but just a kid I need in my life. silly molly. but at least I learned a lot from this. good talk.

the first time i died was an accident. the car wasn't paying attention. i wasn't paying attention. and that was that. but the second i saw him, i knew that i would die a thousand times just to see him again.

the thing about death is that it's almost like a switch. you feel this immense amount of pain, more than you can imagine. every ounce of your being is screaming in agony. then it stops. and you know you're dead. he comes so quickly though that you don't even have a chance to think about your former life or what is happening. at least i did. he is nothing like i've ever seen before. completely jet black eyes, dark dark black hair. so black that it looks like it isn't even there. his skin though. it wasn't light or dark. it was like he was absorbing all light around him. not like there as any light. i had no idea where i was - i was floating. just being. i don't even know if my body was there. i was only concerned with him. before i could even think about thinking he said "it's time" and suddenly i was being drawn toward him. taken into his body. i felt more alive in that moment then i ever had. which is funny because i was dead. but i felt complete. and whole. and safe. and like i was home. and that was it.
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Drip. Drip. Drip. Every time the water hits the ground I want to rip my hair out. It's like a constant reminder of how slow time is passing. And how horrible this school is that they can't even repair a leak. Maybe they expected me to do it. You know the whole community college thing - we're all in this together.




okay okay - so i saw this post on tumblr and i really wanted to write it. i mean it has almost 90,000 notes so i'm sure someone actually has started to write it or whatever. but this is what it said: "MOVIE ABOUT A PERSON WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH DEATH AND CONTINUOUSLY COMMITS MURDER IN ORDER TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM UNTIL DEATH IS FINALLY LIKE “YOU ARE MAKING MY JOB SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TO BE LETS JUST GO OUT FOR A COFFEE OR SOMETHING JESUS FUCK” so that above is what i started writing. the first part would be sort of like an intro. and then the second part will be her second life. like she doesn't know that she has been alive before. new family, new life. but then once she reaches the same age she died last time she will have this strange feeling that she is missing someone, keeps looking around for them. or that she wants to die. maybe she will go to someone's funeral and know that she wants to die. then she will kill herself and see him again. and it will go through a few lives until once she reaches a certain age she remembers everything and instantly kills herself. and then we will get to the point when death realizes what is going on and she will end up marrying him...or whatever you do with death. pretty cool, right? if i had time i would write it but i really don't. maybe i will eventually but you have that little bit.

but i wanted to tell you all that i actually went out and drank last night. i just drank enough to be slightly tipsy, not drunk. but i had fun. and i liked it. still not extremely comfortable but i figure the more i go out, the more comfortable i will be. and drinking isn't like a huge sin. you just have to be smart. i knew that i couldn't handle a ton, so i just had some of Emily's. finished Emma's and finished off another beer. so not that much at all. and i was with smart people. and i knew i would be fine. i mean it must have made me feel somewhat better and more comfortable but i still felt like myself. i also didn't drink that much.

but i have to catch you up with dylan as well. sooo basically after spending a day at umass he dropped out because he saw his ex and basically broke down right then and there. so he obviously still likes her a lot. but he started talking to me a lot more. and we basically moved pretty quickly. like he made me define the relationship. which is more than friend but not a relationship. and then he asked what i thought of him. which somehow turned into me listing all the things i like about him. but remember i haven't even met this kid! and then he was thinking of coming up this weekend and staying over at babson. and when he said that i was just like: wait, what? i was so overwhelmed and everything just hit me. and i was explaining to him that when Josh came over in the past it didn't go over so well. and he asked me what happened. and i'm explaining it and i start crying and completely broke down. like it was really bad. everything hit me and i blamed myself for everything. and it was too much. and i felt bad for dylan because he didn't know what to do. i really needed him to comfort me but he just didn't say anything. i think i scared him. but really it had been a long week and we moved way too fast. so i told him that we need to go on a regular date before he stays over. and i said he could come up yesterday for dinner. and basically he said he couldn't. so i said that maybe i'll go out instead. and he said "i bet you'll stay in" and i said "how much?" and basically he bet $5 that i wouldn't go out. so i went out. and i drank. and i snapped it all to him to rub it in his face. and i haven't talked to him yet today. so i don't even know what is going on. but whatever. over it basically. meaning, i'll just see how it goes. not going to worry about it.

but now the grammy's are on. so byeeee.