this skype conversation is torture. it is so awkward and i have nothing to say. fuck.

i haven't posted here in a long time and there is a lot to catch up on. i should be doing homework but i'm doing this instead.

first off, i just got rid of Abby as a viewer on this blog. why? because she hasn't been a good friend. maybe i haven't been a good friend to her either. but yepp no. first off, it started that one night when i was up late and i had already told Josh i had went to sleep, and she FINALLY texted me after not texting me in forever. and i wanted to talk to her! but instead she told me to go to sleep AND she told josh that i was still awake. it was not her place to tell josh and she should have just talked with me! so that pissed me off. then she wanted to go see a movie with colin and josh and i, but she wanted to go see the hobbit which i already saw, and it is a long movie so i didn't really want to see it again, but i sucked it up and went anyways. then she didn't even sit with josh and i. i turned around and she was sitting somewhere else. umm? if i was going to a movie with just josh then we would have went to see another movie. and then i barely talked to her after that. i texted her once and it was just normal conversation that sort of faded off. then i texted her again a while after no contact and again it was just sort of nice conversation, nothing really. she didn't ask me how i have been handling everything that was going on or anything - and i had told her everything back when it first happened. and then i saw her at mt.toms and found out she had spring break the week before me but didn't contact me to try to hang out that one weekend we had overlapping. so i didn't go out of my way to talk to her while we were there. so peace out. if you don't care or want to talk to me, then i won't care and i won't talk to you either.

so there's that. but i had to get her off this blog so i could vent about her and about josh without being afraid that she would tell him. and i gave her plenty of chances, that last post about missing her - yeah no response. i know she saw it. whateves.

okay what next? the divorcing parents or the maybe-soon-to-be-ex boyfriend? difficult decision.

i'll talk about josh then. recently i just haven't been feeling like texting or talking to him. when i do it is just really about nothing. seriously, we talk about nothing. and it isn't like the cute little, "i don't even know what we were talking about! anything, nothing!" it was seriously like we had nothing to say so we talked about nothing. we don't share our feelings or what is going on or anything. but i still feel like i have to text him all the time, he used to text me again if i didn't text him back in a few hours but recently he has stopped doing that. i don't know. i still really care about him and love him and all, but i don't feel like texting him or hanging out. like when i was home on break i didn't want to see him, i had to force myself to go out and i brought Roxy with me (she stayed with me for the whole week, but she said that she would stay home while i went out with him, not that i would do that) and honestly it was just awkward and then he ended up going to the play with us, which was sort of weird too, and really awkward. it's almost like i'm just not interested anymore. and josh doesn't really make an effort either. just texts me. it's like if he really cared wouldn't he try harder to hold onto me? and like a few hours ago, i was like let's skype, but there were people in his room sooo that didn't happen. i'm waiting for when he says that he is available but nothing yet. i don't know. at the same time i don't want to break up because it's scary and i've been with him for so long. but at the same time i do. i mean i know this is absolutely crazy and ridiculous, but i want to be single for the R5 concerts, just in case you know. not that anything is even possible. but there is just a flicker of hope. and that flicker of hope is almost gone when i'm in a relationship. just i don't know. i don't see myself ever marrying Josh unless he changes a lot, which i don't expect or want him to. i feel like we are getting close to a break up. but it still sucks. i like the feeling of being wanted and liked by someone. and i like feeling secure in a relationship. and i wish i was clearer instead of this wishy washy what do i do state.

now i don't even know if i want to talk about the parents because that is even yuckier. it gives me like this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. but yayyy Vivian just gave me nerds from Vinita!

ummm what else, so much else. like Alex Aiono is maybe the most flawless person ever. okay i haven't met him yet but he is such a sweetheart on twitter and all. like seriously he is awesome. but that means every other girl who follows him on twitter is also in love with him. he is too young for me anyways, just turned 17, so he is for Maeve. i call Taylor and Riker, and potentially the boys from Sunderland and maybe the boys from Hollywood Ending but they are a bit young too. hahhh, look at me go.

and now josh is online for skype, reality sets him. i can't have any of those boys because i already have a different one. i feel like i have more to talk about, i know i do. but that will do for now.

i miss my best friend.

Can I take a second to thank R5, please?

Lately they have been the source of happiness in this house. We have listened to radio disney for hours just to hopefully hear one of their songs, even though we could have just played it from our iTunes. We recorded them hosting radio disney today just to put it on youtube and to share it with everyone. And we have been complaining about how they autotuned Rocky and turned him into Robot Rocky in Falling For You. And we have been complaining about the "clean" version of I Want You Bad. We have gotten excited to hear their new songs and we are getting pumped for tour. And we are putting together a music video for Falling For You after going back and forth about if we should use the radio disney autotune version or the live version (we went with the live version). But honestly that video should be good. We are filming bright and early at 9:30 tomorrow.

Everyone in R5 is just so positive and happy and upbeat and while they don't have the best music around you can't help but love them. I'll have to thank them when I meet them. Ahhh, I can say that because we are going to meet them during the VIP thingy. So nervous thinking about it and it is still months away. I hope within those months I grow prettier and better looking and look older and like I'm 21 not 18. XD

Ahhh, I don't want to talk about how I've been a really bad girlfriend lately. I want to concentrate on the positive here. Right now I'm listening to Falling For You on repeat so I can try to learn the words for tomorrow. I couldn't get the lyrics "You think it's strange, I think it's cool" or something like that. I still don't have it down. I need to concentrate.

But Riker, Rydel, Rocky, Ross, Ryland, Ellington, Stormie, and Mark - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are keeping my family going currently. You guys and of course Taylor Mathews. He is always our rock.

Now I should learn these lyrics and then go to sleep so I can be ready to go for our call time tomorrow!

I am glad to be home. It feels right being here with my mom and sisters. As long as I don't think about all the yucky stuff.

it's valentine's day and i don't feel like i have a valentine. oh, i have a boyfriend? oh those words on a screen are from someone who says he loves me? right. forgot.

i'm trying not to cry right now because i think he is going to call me. well he said he was planning on it. maybe he is waiting for me to text him first. just fucking call me.

off the hook with that one. i have horrible service so he couldn't hear anything i said. and i'm not skyping. so there goes that. now i can complain and cry in peace.

josh and i aren't going to last. it's not going to work. i know. i'm expecting too much out of him which he isn't giving me and i'm not giving anything in return. so this fucking sucks. my relationship is falling apart. my gramma is dead. my parents split. i barely have any friends.

you know what the worst thing that has happened? when we were at the wake and my dad was talking to the people who worked there and introduced my mom as his wife and hearing my mother mutter under her breath "not any more" or something equally as horrifying as that. in case you forgot, your dad cheated on your mom so now they aren't living together and pretty much hate each other and are going to get a divorce, and that dead body over there is your gramma.

why do i do this to myself? i'm sobbing. breaking down.

i just watched R5 perform Loud acoustically to calm myself down. i never really understand when people said that bands saved them. now i get it. Taylor Mathews and R5 are literally saving my sisters, my mom, and I. they are like the shining lights in our life right now.

i need to sleep and try not to cry anymore.

i didn't realize how much i needed him there until he wasn't there. you should have made an effort to be there. for crying out loud my cousin's girlfriend came with them on the 10 plus hour car drive to spend one night up here, just so she could be there for him.

i need to sleep. i feel sick.

i can't do it. i can't update you about what i'm doing all the time. i can't send pointless texts. this isn't working. at all. why the fuck didn't you call me when i texted you saying my grandma died? don't wait for me to come running to you because if you haven't notice - i don't. i shut doors and build walls around me. you have to knock them down before they are too high to climb over. it might be too late now. don't let me walk away. don't let me push you away. fucking fight for me. because right now it just seems like you are complaining about how you have nothing to do and how you can't see me or talk to me. make more of a fucking effort then. instead of whining about it later, call me, skype me, surprise me. do something. because i can't deal with more conversations like the one we had today. there is a reason why i don't text you for three hours. try to figure it out or we are done.

i know this is mainly my fault, everything is really. i'm the one pushing away and hiding in my little shell. i'm the one expecting more without saying that. i'm the one not communicating.

i'm sorry. i suck. i just wish you could help me. i'm drowning. the pressure. the expectations. my world is falling apart. but it really is though. please be there for me. even though i've been a bitch and haven't been there for you.