hi I should go to sleep now but I feel like checking in.

my heart has been feeling strange. like heavy or like it is working hard or tight or strange. and i'm sure it's all mental from when the doctor said she heard a heart murmur. I looked up heart murmur and most are innocent. but i'm pretty sure i'm mentally doing this because when I am busy or thinking about other things I am fine, but when I have down time that is when I feel it so i am sure my brain just goes there. so i'm trying not to think or worry about it but it is hard.

but this week is a crazy one. after class tomorrow i have to do fme practice presentations. and then i am going out to dinner and then to a concert. so i have no time to do work. and then Tuesday i'm going to wake up early to do work and then after class i have to babysit and i'm not sure until how late. and then Wednesday i'm also babysitting until 6:30 and then my dad asked if i wanted to go to a concert with him. and then Thursday i am babysitting too and then going to the hunger games premiere. and then Friday at 2pm i'm on a bus to the airport to go to chile. what. alright then. we will get it all done though.

okay but strange occurrence today. this morning joe cooked me, Amelie, roxy, and irfaan pancakes. i think joe was gone at this point. but roxy told me that her boyfriend mike was going to join us to go see the hunger games premiere to which i said yay third wheel. and then she felt bad and i was like no no it's fine, i'm just giving you a hard time. but then Irfaan said he was going to come so yay. but then a little while roxy said something sassy to irfaan so he said that she couldn't come to the hunger games and started to say "so then Mike will be the..." and then stopped and i was just shaking my head and he said he wasn't going to finish that sentence. and we kind of laughed. and then sort of said something else and i said i was going to say that i would be third wheeling him and mike. but anyways it was strange because he went to thinking that it would be like we were together and you know that it was just what came to his head because he stopped himself midsentence when he realized. i'm sure i was blushing like crazy.

because the thing is i kind of like Irfaan, in the way that you kind of interested. i have been since then first year. so i am extra aware of what i say and how i act around him sort of thing. but not that i necessarily want anything to happen. if anything i would like to be better friends with him. i never actually hang out and talk with him unless in a big group and i never actually talk. i realized i don't know all that about him, so like we act like friends in the group but aren't actually that close.

but anyways now I've been thinking about that. i know it is not a big deal and i can't bring it up and talk about it with anyone because then they will know I've been thinking about it and i care and might be interested in him. anyways fun stuff. and i think joe is coming to the movies now too, which is good, but also bad because i was kind of excited for a kind of double date, but not really, thing. anyways we will see how that goes on Thursday!

now i really should go to sleep. exciting week. now cut it out heart/brain.

I am about to start crying in the library.

I am hungry. and I was seeing who would go to trim with me. Roxy is going to Reynolds and I don't want to use my Reynolds meals. Ellie is at dinner with her brother. Amelie is eating in her room. so I don't have anyone to eat with.

and I have this stupid science project. and no one in my group has done anything. and I haven't done enough to compensate and make up for their lack of doing shit. I had the smallest part too so I should have done a bigger part. and I am trying to make my part better and I don't know what I am doing. and I don't think anyone is going to do anything, they definitely haven't done anything yet. and I don't want to do their parts. yet it is supposed to be a group project. so I am meeting with the professor tomorrow to tell her but I don't think she will be able to anything. I don't know what she will tell me. maybe i'll just do the whole thing on Thursday. I don't know. I don't want to get stressed out by this because it isn't a big deal but I sort of am getting stressed about it.

and I have two papers to write for entertainment law. and I have barely started. and I just feel like all of this is crap. what is the point. and I have a bunch of reading for tomorrow that isn't going to get done.

I just can't do this. it's all stupid and insignificant problems but I have to deal with them anyways.

hopefully i'll be going home on Friday for the weekend. and all of this will be over with soon enough. it just really sucks that's all.

Joe already went to dinner. I texted Emma but i'm not holding my breath that I will get a response. I might end up just using one of my Reynolds meals. because I don't want to eat in Trim by myself. pathetic.

i have this nawing tightening anxious feeling in my stomach. it feels like i'm nervous and like i'm upset at myself. like I am worried about what is going to happen next.

I don't know. Ellie just got back from the weekend and I just didn't have the energy to entertain her. so I sort of just sat quietly until she left. and I know she knew that I was out of it. but whatever.

I really just want to go to sleep. but I have to go do my shift at the innovation center, but I probably won't stay the whole time because I need sleep. and I still have this horrible feeling in my stomach.

I have been watching the show Nashville and now i'm hooked on it.

it's nawing, tightening.
pounding, coming ever closer.
I just want to go to sleep.
but I still have ten things to get done.
my mind can't stop.
what I should be doing. what i'm not doing.
who wants me to do what.
I need to break away.
I need to sleep.
but they won't stop telling me what I should be doing.
I won't stop telling me what I should be doing.
expectations and reality are one and the same.
don't let them down.
don't let yourself down.
you need to do this. you need to keep going.
you said you would.
they need you to.
you need you to.
I need me to.
i'm the one letting the pressure get to me.
it's all made up.
the expectations from others are mine only.