why am I having such a much harder time today. like I actually cried. still partially crying.

well first of all Emma called me saying sorry and all. which like i'm glad she did and I said I was fine and everything. but it's just one of those things that won't ever go away and I can't really forget. but i'm meeting up with her on Wednesday so we will see how that goes.

but then I called my mom and she said something like how she wished she was having a birthday like mine or whatever. and I told her that snapchat makes everything look better. and just as I was telling her what we did and how none of our friends came through or were there or did anything for us I was just about to cry, I had to change the subject. i told her i guess that what happens when you get older, birthdays get less special. and i thought i was going to see her this weekend but i think maeve, Maura, and ana are coming up without her. and she hasn't bought me anything or sent me a card which i don't blame her but she was asking what i wanted and i don't even care. and i'm just so sad. and i was thinking about all that i did for Amelie's birthday, the cake, the concert tickets, the book last year, and all i fucking got was a facebook post and a picture collage. i love Amelie and i don't blame her for not doing anything because she is isn't here. but no one did anything. no one cared.

and i hate that i am sobbing right now. i want to just be independent and not give a shit. but this is really making me upset and sad and miserable right now.

and then Ellie was just texting me asking what she could expect from Emma and she is just so unforgiving and i just can't deal. i'll put the convo here i guess.

E: Have you talked to her?
M: Yep she called me too
What should I expect from this phone call?
She just apologized!
She feels really bad
As she should.
Don't be too hard on her!
E: She'll never learn if no one is hard on her. It's just the same with her being late. Everyone just accepts that Emma is always 45 minutes late...That's not okay. If you commit to something, you follow through.
M: Yeah, I guess so
E: Oh it's totally okay you couldn't even bother to post on our Facebook wall. Or apologize to us yesterday once you were up. Or anything.

And I just couldn't even respond. I see Ellie's point but I still love Emma and I can just forgive her easier. I mean no one else fucking did anything either.

I don't know. i just feel so sad. and alone i guess. i have Ellie i guess but she is just so bitter at everyone too. and i'm sad and disappointed but i can't hold that kind of grudge and bitterness, i know that i will just forgive them and go back to how it was. even though they might not understand or whatever. i'll just bottle it up like i always do.

maybe i should have been harder on Emma but what is that going to do now? whatever. what the fuck ever. i don't care. or i do but i don't want to. fuckkk.

i just want to be with my family. or someone who cares. i don't even have anyone i can turn to talk about this now.

for a second there i thought i could talk to Amelie now and i was trying to decide if i wanted to drag her into all of this. but now she is going to zumba so that is not even an option.

i could talk to Roxy but she is still in Turkey so timezones. and then there is Kristen but i would have to fill her in and she has a lot of other more important things to worry about so i don't want to bother her. and there is Dana but i would have to fill her in and i don't know if she would be able to relate and get it. plus i don't want anyone to feel bad that they didn't do anything. like i don't want my mom to feel bad now that i told her that. she probably won't, she has other things to worry about. like how we are going to pay for college. oh right, she just took out a 40,000 dollar loan in my name. so now i have $50,000 in loans. awesome. now i am crying again.

i'm really just overtired and just the reality of this whole weekend is hitting me now that i have had time to think about it and all. honestly work will be great when i can just worry about that. and now i have to figure out a way to tell Ellie I don't really want to go out to eat with her and her brother tomorrow after i said that "i may come." and especially after all this talk with Emma. i might just tell her tomorrow and risk her being mad at me. whatever.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay maybe Amelie is here for me to talk to. i need her to balance out all of Ellie's energy and keep me grounded.

okay time to get over myself and stop crying and stop thinking about all of this. bottle it up, Molly. that was enough emotions to get me through another month.