it's been a long time since I posted. over a month. and I don't really feel like posting now either. like I have been avoiding posting. I've been thinking about it but I just haven't wanted to.

right now it's 9:10 and I just want to sleep. but I am forcing myself to write. I won't catch up on everything yet. my list from last time carries over plus:

- Spotify
- Boston
- Ellie?
- Ryan
- Taylor
- Maeve
- Life?

a lot of people apparently. I don't know.

right now I want to talk about what has been making me feel bad all day.

I have figured out that I distance myself from people. I just do it by default. a few examples. first context, we surprised Maeve with Ryan Dilmore for her graduation party so he was at our house from Wednesday night to Monday. so anyways. one night at the bonfire I was in a crap mood because I was tired and Ellie was there and I was getting sick of her. fab friend I know. but after Ellie had gone up to bed I was still sitting at the bonfire by myself while my mom, maeve, and ryan lied on the grass looking at the stars. I was invited over but I said no. so I just sat there listening to them laugh and talk while I was on the outside. I was invited. I said no. I was also in a bad mood. but I alientated myself.

then there was talk of a band called Sassy Robots where Maura sang and Maeve played guitar but I had no part in it. they were trying to make up parts for me but I didn't fit in. and I furthered that by making it clear that I wasn't part of it. eventually we got the piano out and Ryan helped us start our own song but anyways that was afterwards.

and then Ryan was going for a walk for a few minutes and he was basically out the door and he asked if I wanted to come. and I said no thinking that he needed his alone time for a few minutes. but he invited still and I said no.

okay now this is a bit different. whenever I leave home, especially after we have guest overs, I get this horrible feeling in my chest and just feel really tight like a have a knot in my ribcage and I just feel like crying. like when I left after Ross and Zach (and Taylor) were there I started crying as soon as I drove away. but this time we were going to go geocaching but then realized I needed to leave soon so we were going to leave my car in Easthampton but that meant I needed to be ready to go. so I had to rush and pack and that feeling just hit me so hard and I was just in a bad mood and felt like crying. so I was getting in my car and was about to cry when my mom told Ryan to come with me. but I said no. he was basically getting into my car but I was like no, my car is a mess, no no no, I was pretty desperate. so he defeatedly said "okay she doesn't want me to come with her" or something like that. and he went in the other car. and I was crying before I even pulled out of the driveway and I spent the rest of the time driving to Easthampton trying to pull myself together. but then for geocaching and dinner and all I was just in a bad mood because I had to leave and was trying not to cry. and Ryan tried to ask more questions or have a convo with me about Spotify for a second, like two questions walking back to the car at one point. so maybe he had wanted to talk with me more? we never really talked one on one. and he and everyone else obviously noticed my bad mood. not sure if they knew the reason. it was because I had to leave them. but I feel so bad now. I keep thinking about not letting Ryan come in my car. and I don't know if I would do anything differently because I was about to start crying so I wouldn't have wanted him to see me like that and if he got in my car I don't think I would have been able to hold it together and I wouldn't want to talk to him and have him be all nice and just have me sobbing and pouring my heart out or whatever and then have to get out of the car and me being all upset and him saying something to my family or whatever. sooo instead I just pushed him and everyone away.

let's see who else I have pushed away. Michele extremely much so. Nasser as well. Derek I actually welcomed in closer and asked if he wanted to video chat or talk on the phone and he said no. so now I can easily distance myself from him. even my friends don't know all that goes on, Ellie and Amelie know a lot more. Emma used to but then I was abroad, then she was abroad, and now she is back but she is in a pretty serious relationship with Greg so I don't think I will be sharing as much with her. Kristen knows pretty much everything, but I barely ever talk with her.

but that is my coping mechanism, bottle it all up inside, keep everyone away. but I mean it works. I don't need anyone. I can do everything myself. I know I am not supposed to think that and I actually do need people. but honestly I don't. I will survive on my own.

but it is kind of sad. like with Ryan. I don't know what he thinks about me now. but whatever. i'll see him in two weeks when he tours along with the rest of my family, but it won't be for that long. and then I probably won't see him for a long time. people come and go. like all of these people who come and stay with us: Taylor, Zach Michael, Ross, Zach Gaudet...they are friends while they are here but then they are gone and don't really care about us or maybe they do but not enough to stay in communications with us. if they need another place to stay though they will be back. awesome.

I could give more examples of how I have distanced myself and just built up my walls so I can be happy with myself. I just keep tightening that knot in my chest and not letting go of it.