i miss my best friend.

Can I take a second to thank R5, please?

Lately they have been the source of happiness in this house. We have listened to radio disney for hours just to hopefully hear one of their songs, even though we could have just played it from our iTunes. We recorded them hosting radio disney today just to put it on youtube and to share it with everyone. And we have been complaining about how they autotuned Rocky and turned him into Robot Rocky in Falling For You. And we have been complaining about the "clean" version of I Want You Bad. We have gotten excited to hear their new songs and we are getting pumped for tour. And we are putting together a music video for Falling For You after going back and forth about if we should use the radio disney autotune version or the live version (we went with the live version). But honestly that video should be good. We are filming bright and early at 9:30 tomorrow.

Everyone in R5 is just so positive and happy and upbeat and while they don't have the best music around you can't help but love them. I'll have to thank them when I meet them. Ahhh, I can say that because we are going to meet them during the VIP thingy. So nervous thinking about it and it is still months away. I hope within those months I grow prettier and better looking and look older and like I'm 21 not 18. XD

Ahhh, I don't want to talk about how I've been a really bad girlfriend lately. I want to concentrate on the positive here. Right now I'm listening to Falling For You on repeat so I can try to learn the words for tomorrow. I couldn't get the lyrics "You think it's strange, I think it's cool" or something like that. I still don't have it down. I need to concentrate.

But Riker, Rydel, Rocky, Ross, Ryland, Ellington, Stormie, and Mark - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are keeping my family going currently. You guys and of course Taylor Mathews. He is always our rock.

Now I should learn these lyrics and then go to sleep so I can be ready to go for our call time tomorrow!

I am glad to be home. It feels right being here with my mom and sisters. As long as I don't think about all the yucky stuff.

it's valentine's day and i don't feel like i have a valentine. oh, i have a boyfriend? oh those words on a screen are from someone who says he loves me? right. forgot.

i'm trying not to cry right now because i think he is going to call me. well he said he was planning on it. maybe he is waiting for me to text him first. just fucking call me.

off the hook with that one. i have horrible service so he couldn't hear anything i said. and i'm not skyping. so there goes that. now i can complain and cry in peace.

josh and i aren't going to last. it's not going to work. i know. i'm expecting too much out of him which he isn't giving me and i'm not giving anything in return. so this fucking sucks. my relationship is falling apart. my gramma is dead. my parents split. i barely have any friends.

you know what the worst thing that has happened? when we were at the wake and my dad was talking to the people who worked there and introduced my mom as his wife and hearing my mother mutter under her breath "not any more" or something equally as horrifying as that. in case you forgot, your dad cheated on your mom so now they aren't living together and pretty much hate each other and are going to get a divorce, and that dead body over there is your gramma.

why do i do this to myself? i'm sobbing. breaking down.

i just watched R5 perform Loud acoustically to calm myself down. i never really understand when people said that bands saved them. now i get it. Taylor Mathews and R5 are literally saving my sisters, my mom, and I. they are like the shining lights in our life right now.

i need to sleep and try not to cry anymore.

i didn't realize how much i needed him there until he wasn't there. you should have made an effort to be there. for crying out loud my cousin's girlfriend came with them on the 10 plus hour car drive to spend one night up here, just so she could be there for him.

i need to sleep. i feel sick.

i can't do it. i can't update you about what i'm doing all the time. i can't send pointless texts. this isn't working. at all. why the fuck didn't you call me when i texted you saying my grandma died? don't wait for me to come running to you because if you haven't notice - i don't. i shut doors and build walls around me. you have to knock them down before they are too high to climb over. it might be too late now. don't let me walk away. don't let me push you away. fucking fight for me. because right now it just seems like you are complaining about how you have nothing to do and how you can't see me or talk to me. make more of a fucking effort then. instead of whining about it later, call me, skype me, surprise me. do something. because i can't deal with more conversations like the one we had today. there is a reason why i don't text you for three hours. try to figure it out or we are done.

i know this is mainly my fault, everything is really. i'm the one pushing away and hiding in my little shell. i'm the one expecting more without saying that. i'm the one not communicating.

i'm sorry. i suck. i just wish you could help me. i'm drowning. the pressure. the expectations. my world is falling apart. but it really is though. please be there for me. even though i've been a bitch and haven't been there for you.

my family just can't catch a break. more sadness.

thank goodness for the friends i have here. bless you Monica Cohen for placing us in these rooms. i would be miserable without these girls.

now i just wish Maeve and Maura had friends like i do. which is part of the reason why i feel like i need to be home right now.

ahhhh whyyy

The past few days have been really good. The positives outweighed the positives by tenfold. Ahhh so happy. I love the people here.