only 7 more days of classes. then four days of finals. but i know it will go by fast. i was about to write, i can't wait, but i really can because i'm afraid of what i will find when i go home. but i am still excited to go home. i created more possible drama between my parents regarding going to new york city to see R5 and Taylor at another show, because my dad thought it was his idea so he would bring us but i just told my mom as if it was my idea so she would bring us. i don't know what's going on with that. my mom said that my dad is making plans and moving forward while she is just taking things one day at a time. but we have the tickets to the show, so i'll be going to the NYC and Boston shows, just hopefully i'll be able to enjoy both of them without feeling bad about some parent thing.

i talked to my dad some more on the ride up here and i have a better understand of what actually happened but it still makes me feel sick thinking about it. like this yucky twisting knot in my stomach. so i'm going to stop talking about it now.

maybe that is why since i found out i have been obsessing on stuff. like watching every episode of Beauty and the Beast (the cool tv show) that has aired. and then moving on to every youtube video R5 posted. now i should be focusing on school. i have two essay due next thursday, a speech next tuesday, and then finals to prepare for. and fme to worry about. tomorrow we decide who is going to be ceo and such. fun stuff. i hope i'm ceo but at the same time if i'm not then that at least is less work for me.

and i know for a fact that i am fatter now. freshman 15 is mine. i have like a belly, like a gut. i want my flat stomach back. whenever i mention this people are like you aren't fat, you were underweight before, you still don't weigh that much. yeah but me personally would like to weigh slightly less and have a flatter stomach. i want to go to the gym three times a week but it's hard to find time and when i have time usually all i want to do is go on the internet, not walk through the cold to the gym. new years resolution.

okay i think i might go by some more R5 songs and then go to sleep. oh crap, i just remembered things i need to do. let me do those and then i'll return to my new R5 obsession.

is it bad that i imagine me and one of the members hitting it off during this two shows and us becoming best friends? i can be hopefully right? and also one of my personal goals, which is probably really weird and i may have already mentioned, is to go on a date with Taylor Mathews. maybe I should add Riker or Rocky Lynch to that list. ah i'm just as bad as those crazy fan girls. i've already bought Taylor's friendship. I'm stalking R5 at two shows. well not really stalking, just going to two of the same show but i've done that before - Glee two nights in a row! and i did some real hotel stalking the year before. anyways, i guess it's just something to think about. and i want to keep writing for some reason.

i kind of wish i did NaNoWriMo this year but I know i wouldn't have had time without staying up super late each night. no, molly, stop writing and go do what you need to do. okay.

i'm probably the moodiest person i know. rock on.

today was an obsessed with R5 day. seriously, all i've done today is watch R5 videos, eat, ride, film a video, and look up stuff about R5. #obsessed

ew, i just used a hashtag. i was going to just post that but now i have stuff to talk about. my sisters and mom are going shopping and i want to go with them but i told josh i was going to go over his house. so i didn't go with my sisters. and now i am sitting at home crying because i'm so confused. i'm so confused with all my emotions, i don't know what i think, i don't know what i want to do. well i know what i want to go, go shopping with my sisters. but i'm not. this isn't how it is supposed to work. i'm not supposed to not want to go to my boyfriends house.

my mom asked me are you sure and i said yeah but now i wish i had just jumped in the car and went and worried about josh later or not worried about him at all. fuck my life.

vinita just updated her profile saying that she is single now. her boyfriend just flew up to visit her two weekends ago. i guess that didn't go the greatest. i liked her boyfriend though.

i don't know what to do. josh isn't even first on my list of concerns right now. yesterday we had a family meeting that i just cried though and all i was thinking about was how i wanted to go home, even though i was right there at home, it just didn't feel like home and i wanted to escape. everything is just so yucky i hate it.

i'm excited to go back to babson, but at the same time i want to stay home. at babson everyone will ask me how my break was and what am i supposed to say? great except for the fact that i found out my dad has been cheating and so now he isn't living at home anymore. i'll probably just end up saying good like everyone else. or i'll say, i'm glad to be back at babson. i'm hoping that while i'm at babson i'll just be able to forget about everything at home because i can't just start crying randomly. i'll be there for three weeks until i get to come home. those three weeks will be crazy but i'll just do my school work because i haven't done any over break even though i should have been. whatever. i'll do it there.

i'm just going to look forward to the Taylor Mathews / R5 concert because i don't know what else to look forward to. school is full of work and finals and stress. coming back home could be a war zone. i have no idea how christmas is going to go. next on the list is that concert. hopefully it is good. and hopefully i can talk to Taylor and any of the members of R5 and that we have a good conversation or whatever.

ah, i'm feeling a bit better now. not really. i'll just go eat food now and maybe watch some more R5 videos and wish that i could hang out with them everyday.

I still love glee, even though the episodes aren't as good as the first season. It still makes me happy when I watch it. So I'll keep watching it. Ive already fallen in love with the new characters and I'm excited for the old ones to return next week.

I also have been watching the x factor for the past two weeks so now I'm hooked. And I think Carly Rlse Soneclare should win. But I also love Emblem3 so I want to see them live and I want to meet them. I would love to be able to meet everyone that I watch on tv. I might be able to meet Riker office on December 30th because we are going to the R5 show because Taylor Mathews is performing as well. I'm excited for that and I'll be back home!

And now I need sleep.

i don't want to tell people because i don't want them to judge my family: to judge my dad. please don't. don't feel sorry for us. don't think about us. don't evaluate the situation. don't think you're better than us. if you know, just accept it and move on. don't analyze it. don't. you don't understand.

i used to think about my life and about how perfect it was. nothing horrible had ever happened to me. i thought that it must just be a matter of time until something bad happened.

i was right.

actually it was never perfect, it was always there, i just never knew. my wonderful life was always a lie.

oh my god.