what most people see: a smart quiet girl who has a wonderful family life and a few friends. she is that kind of girl who will always be smarter than most of the people in the class. she will never do drugs, alcohol, sex, or be spotted at those kinds of parties. she is the good little girl who may never have a boyfriend during high school. she never misses a homework assignment and she has probably never failed anything. she is the one who makes everyone look bad because always does more than she has to. an overachiever. she has a good life and doesn't know what it is like to have to go through what the rest of us go through. she is lucky and you can tell by the way she is just quiet and goes around not talking to anyone that she doesn't appreciate it.
the truth or close to it: i am smart naturally but i also try and put effort into what i do which most people don't do. my family isn't perfect. my parent fight sometimes and don't always get along. my sisters and i don't get along all the time either and my house can be a war zone sometimes. yes i realize that it is not always like that and i love my family but we aren't perfect. and guess what? i care about my future, myself, and the people around me which is why i would never do drugs, alcohol, or any of that sort of stuff. i have better things to do with my time than endanger my life. and so what if i never have a boyfriend? maybe that is because i don't fling myself at whatever guy comes along. i actually don't judge someone by if they do or do not have a boyfriend/girlfriend. i'll wait until i find the right guy and i don't care what you think about that. and just so you know i have missed a homework assignment and i have failed before. does that make you feel better about yourself? do you feel better about yourself when others do worse than you? i'm sorry but i don't sink to that level. i feel good about myself by actually accomplishing something instead of making other people feel worse to make myself feel better. and no i do not try to make you look bad - i just do my best and which better than your best apparently. and yes i understand that some things just don't come naturally to people and i'm not judging you by your grades. i'm judging you by how much effort you put into it. how much you care. and the reason i don't talk to people is because i have a confidence problem. yes - there is something wrong with me. in fact there are a lot of things wrong with me. like the fact that my voice dies out on me at the end of my history presentation so i can't talk. makes me feel wonderful doesn't it? and maybe i just don't want to talk to you. maybe i don't want to associate myself with you. yes, i pick the people i associate myself with another reason why i don't have that many friends. two good friends sounds better than twenty fake friends to me. and i understand how lucky i am. i understand that a lot of who i am and what i have goes to my parents. but i also understand that i could be in a state a lot worse than this if it wasn't for my effort and everything that i put into life. so all you people who believe that first description of me that was for you. that was actually to me. that was for my little unconfident self. that was to shove it into my face what i have and what people think i have. well i can't really say that either because i can't read minds. but i am sure that is what it seems like and the reason for that is me. it is because i keep quiet and don't be myself. it is because i don't have that sort of confidence. i have the confidence to get up in front of a room and endure my voice completely leaving me. i have the confidence to get up on a horse i have never seen before in my life and show him. and place. and earn enough points to go onto the next level. i have to confidence to do that. but i don't have the confidence to be myself.
next year i will be a sophomore. that is going to be my transformation year. that is going to be the year that people look at me and say, "is she the same Molly Ronan that was here in 9th grade?" it will be next year. so take a good look at me for these last two days of classes and four days of finals because after that i'm not going to be the same. i'm just not. i won't allow myself. and Abby - all those "you"s up there were not directed to you. i'm sure you can imagine who it was directed to. i love you Abby. thank you for being here for me. get ready for next year cause i'm not putting up with another Molly like this year. everyone is going to know my name next year and not because i'm the kid with swine flu. thank you.
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