breathe in. breathe out.

it really has just sunk in that i will never be a freshman again after tomorrow. except for finals. tomorrow will be the last day that i will walk those hallways this year. tomorrow will be the last day of my little freshmen routine. can't i just stay in this year forever? can't i just stay in my comfort zone? no. i can't. i'm going to be a sophomore. i'm going to have to take that first step. no one else can do it for me. so yeah. it is just starting to sink in now and it is scary. extremely scary.

so i'm starting to think if i am really suppose to have my own horse. the horse we went to go look at was lame. and no, lame is not the opposite of cool. it is like he was limping. so no riding for us. but seriously do you know how many horses i have ridden in pursuit of the right horse. horse shopping is so much harder than it seems. so i'm going to make a list of all the horses i have tried looking for this horse that i'm not sure exists:

Bear

Dreamer

Cash

Rocket

Magnum

Speedy-Little-No-Breaks

Benny

AJ

Martini

Irish

Pride

um. so i sort of gave up. i think there is more though. plus a million on the internet that we didn't go see. yeah.

so i'm going to sleep now. is 8:30. tomorrow is my last day of classes as a freshman. ah.

i don't know if i can do this. these finals are bring me down once again. i feel overwhelmed.

so i'm in a better mood now and don't feel like i did earlier. i was just frustrated earlier with my history presentation and was upset at myself even though the two things that went wrong were out of my control = my voice & server not working.

really now i'm not feeling like that and i was just frustrated. tomorrow will be normal and fine. nothing has really changed at all. so don't go getting worried. yeah. just wanted to clear that up. everything is fine. (:

hahaha. not funny.

what most people see: a smart quiet girl who has a wonderful family life and a few friends. she is that kind of girl who will always be smarter than most of the people in the class. she will never do drugs, alcohol, sex, or be spotted at those kinds of parties. she is the good little girl who may never have a boyfriend during high school. she never misses a homework assignment and she has probably never failed anything. she is the one who makes everyone look bad because always does more than she has to. an overachiever. she has a good life and doesn't know what it is like to have to go through what the rest of us go through. she is lucky and you can tell by the way she is just quiet and goes around not talking to anyone that she doesn't appreciate it.

the truth or close to it: i am smart naturally but i also try and put effort into what i do which most people don't do. my family isn't perfect. my parent fight sometimes and don't always get along. my sisters and i don't get along all the time either and my house can be a war zone sometimes. yes i realize that it is not always like that and i love my family but we aren't perfect. and guess what? i care about my future, myself, and the people around me which is why i would never do drugs, alcohol, or any of that sort of stuff. i have better things to do with my time than endanger my life. and so what if i never have a boyfriend? maybe that is because i don't fling myself at whatever guy comes along. i actually don't judge someone by if they do or do not have a boyfriend/girlfriend. i'll wait until i find the right guy and i don't care what you think about that. and just so you know i have missed a homework assignment and i have failed before. does that make you feel better about yourself? do you feel better about yourself when others do worse than you? i'm sorry but i don't sink to that level. i feel good about myself by actually accomplishing something instead of making other people feel worse to make myself feel better. and no i do not try to make you look bad - i just do my best and which better than your best apparently. and yes i understand that some things just don't come naturally to people and i'm not judging you by your grades. i'm judging you by how much effort you put into it. how much you care. and the reason i don't talk to people is because i have a confidence problem. yes - there is something wrong with me. in fact there are a lot of things wrong with me. like the fact that my voice dies out on me at the end of my history presentation so i can't talk. makes me feel wonderful doesn't it? and maybe i just don't want to talk to you. maybe i don't want to associate myself with you. yes, i pick the people i associate myself with another reason why i don't have that many friends. two good friends sounds better than twenty fake friends to me. and i understand how lucky i am. i understand that a lot of who i am and what i have goes to my parents. but i also understand that i could be in a state a lot worse than this if it wasn't for my effort and everything that i put into life. so all you people who believe that first description of me that was for you. that was actually to me. that was for my little unconfident self. that was to shove it into my face what i have and what people think i have. well i can't really say that either because i can't read minds. but i am sure that is what it seems like and the reason for that is me. it is because i keep quiet and don't be myself. it is because i don't have that sort of confidence. i have the confidence to get up in front of a room and endure my voice completely leaving me. i have the confidence to get up on a horse i have never seen before in my life and show him. and place. and earn enough points to go onto the next level. i have to confidence to do that. but i don't have the confidence to be myself.

next year i will be a sophomore. that is going to be my transformation year. that is going to be the year that people look at me and say, "is she the same Molly Ronan that was here in 9th grade?" it will be next year. so take a good look at me for these last two days of classes and four days of finals because after that i'm not going to be the same. i'm just not. i won't allow myself. and Abby - all those "you"s up there were not directed to you. i'm sure you can imagine who it was directed to. i love you Abby. thank you for being here for me. get ready for next year cause i'm not putting up with another Molly like this year. everyone is going to know my name next year and not because i'm the kid with swine flu. thank you.

guess what?

i'm still alive. (:

today was the Underclassmen Award Ceremony. very fancy huh? not really. it was during school, first period. i knew about this before most everyone else did cause i got to fold the invitations and put them in their envelopes. so then Abby said that she got one and i got them mail but i didn't. i was sort of disappointed but i was hoping one would come soon. i sort of forgot about it then my mother said something about June 8th and I said that there was something on that day but i couldn't remember what. then my mother asked me if it was the UAC and i was like yes! and i asked if i got one. and i did but she hid it from me cause she didn't know if i was suppose to know. but i already did thanks for being a wonderful office aide. so righty-o. my mother, father, and sisters showed up. my sisters got to go in late to school.

in the auditorium. i'm waiting to find some of my friends while i am sitting next to my parents. i spot Katelyn but i don't want to go over there. my mother points her out but i really don't want to be the odd-one out, the uncomfortable one in her little group again so i don't go over there. then i see Mollie so I go sit next to her. then i spot Abby and Stephanie way in the back so i try to wave them over to me since there were some seats next to me but they don't come. that's alright.

the program. now the program was not much of a program because all it had was who was presenting the different categories of awards. alright i just want to know what award i am getting. the first awards are all juniors. then the english awards. i thought that was possibility as an award category for me. and sure enough - Outstanding Achievement in English - i was one of three and the two other ones were older than me. one of them being Jameson Wickman the extremely smart kid along with another smart kid. it made me feel good going up there with them. so yes i was happy i got that award.

then i think Spanish was next. maybe history. i'm trying to remember which one. i'll say Spanish. so all the Spanish achievement awards go through and i don't get one. then they start to list people for Outstanding Effort in Spanish and i get one of those. yayyy. so yes. two awards. that was wonderful. but honestly i would have wondered why i didn't get one in that class if i didn't get one.

history next. now i'm thinking if i had a chance getting one of these. and i did. i believe it was for effort maybe achievement. and i completely missed Abby getting her award cause by that point i was just like woah and i was trying not to look at the crowd. 

so three awards. the other categories go through and i think i might have a chance at them but Ms. Baurt doesn't like me that much cause i don't talk much and science i'm average i guess. but that is alright i can't expect something in everything. i'm happy with what i got - my favorite subjects.

i wonder what people were thinking when they heard my name and clapped for me. i wonder if they were jealous. i wonder if they were wondering who i was. i wonder if they cared about me as a person at all. i wonder what they were thinking. i wonder if they even noticed.

so off that subject.

i'm going to meet all the celebrities that i see on t.v. one day. and they aren't going to treat me like some fan. they are going to treat me like someone who may be even more successful than them. not in some singing or acting career. maybe i'll be the head of a huge company or a successful international businesswoman. there is no doubt in my mind. i'm going to make it so every household knows my name. i'm not going to settle for anything else. so all these celebrities i'm following on twitter - they are going to be following me one day.

i'm done.

maeve is the jealous type.

yesterday. i did nothing all morning. i think i took a shower. then my mother was going to her friend's birthday party where my mother grew up. she said i could go. and i wasn't sure if i wanted to go because playing out the situation in my mind I would most likely just be following my mother around and be having no fun really. and then i would have to go with my mother to pick up maura half way to Auntie Lorrie's. so stayed home but then i was upset about it. why? i have no idea really.

so then Maeve, Daddy, and I went shopping. and i got my wonderful itouch. shopping with my father is always interesting but i got an itouch didn't i? it's an early birthday present which is fine with me. i didn't really want anything for my birthday other than a horse but i'm paying for that horse with my own money seeing as all my money is back into my bank account. but i like my itouch. and my fingers are pretty disgusting. thank goodness for that little black cloth.

um. what else? oh. i'm very lazy. i had no homework due tomorrow and instead of getting ahead i did nothing. i have an essay due on Friday but nope. no work on that. instead i just played on my itouch and laptop. that's it. 

now there is not real point to this blog. there is no big thing i need to get off my chest but if you dug deep i'm sure i could start writing about a lot. instead i'll wrap up this pointless blog.

oh i was going to talk about Maeve. oh well.