hiii so i'm not sure what to write, I just felt like I should.

I just got back from a weeklong trip around Guangzhou, Hong Kong, Macau, and Zhuhai. So I am exhausted and I have done nothing all day.

but now I have new friends. it's strange. during the trip, I hung out the whole time with this guy named Josh - I know I know. but he was friends with Roxy so by default I sort of hang out with him a lot. and I get along really well with him actually. he kind of reminds me of ex-boyfriend Josh. which is also really weird. but he's 25 and there's no way it would ever actually work between us - but my thought process is to enjoy being his friend and having him around while we are both here in China.

and then I sort of made another friend, Derek, cause he just started hanging out with us. and then yesterday Kristen, Derek, Josh, and I were supposed to go to a beer festival that Roxy was working at for her internship, but then Josh bailed so it ended up just being Derek, Kristen, and I. and it was fun just talking with him and hanging out with them.

it's strange how you make friends though. like I don't know what made Derek want to hang out with me and all. and I don't know. Kristen doesn't understand why I think I can't make friends or why I am confused when I make friends. but yeah that's still a thing.

the hard part now is transitioning from the trip where we hung out all the time and were great buds to our lives back at the dorm and seeing how that works out. like Josh randomly messaged me today but he didn't really say anything, just sent me a sticker disguised as a voice message and that was that. so I am not sure what the point of that was. I think I might see him tomorrow because he has an internship too and the internship class is going on a field trip.

OH WOW look at me talking about this when I have something more pressing to talk about. like the fact that my dad is engaged and he hasn't told me. yeah. I saw a while ago on facebook that Anna posted something in Chinese about him calling his mom to ask for marriage. and I didn't think too much of it. I was like whatever. and then while I was on the trip, maeve called me and told me that he told her. actually more like he had texted Maura and used the word "fiancé" and Maura told Maeve to warn her. and then he and Anna brought them out to dinner and told them then. and I still haven't been told by him. I can't get texts on my phone but that isn't an excuse because he can viber me, email me, ask my sisters why I am not responding. but then yesterday Anna messaged me on facebook making it sound like my dad was worried and making sure I was okay. yeah i'm fine. thanks so much for your concern. then finally daddy messaged me on viber. still so mad though that he hasn't told me. it has almost been a week. thanks so much, dad.

whatever.

but my lazy day has to end now. time to go get dinner and then I have a presentation to put together for tomorrow. and then i'm sure tonight i'll probably get a call from my dad. that will be fun. can't wait.

okay guys i'm actually really fine. I didn't even remember Abby's last name...and looking at pictures I wasn't wishing I was there. like I felt 100% good that I wasn't part of all of that anymore. wow. okay. great. i'm better than I thought. cool. now I can go sleep. night!

i'm in fucking china and i'm thinking about and missing them. wow molly. good job. no it's okay because even though i'm in china, i'm still me.

hi so I don't know if I've mentioned Kristen but she is awesome and I just spent like the past two hours just talking to her. but what happens is that when you talk to someone you often talk about your past and you tell them stories and such. so tonight was telling her about my falling out with Abby and the whole Josh thing too and it's strange. it's strange that what happened before and these people that I don't talk to anymore are still sort of part of my life as I tell my new friend about them. it's like they are still a part of me. which is kind of sad. my best friends from high school. now they probably both hate me. but yet I still talk about them to my new friends. or at least Kristen. it's so easy to talk to her and just talk about our lives. it's really nice and refreshing. i'm so lucky and glad that she is here.

but it's kind of hard thinking about josh and abby and all of that. it makes me want to look up to see how they are doing. but then Kristen was talking about how if abby was a true friend she would have come to me and talked to me instead of getting fed whatever crap josh's mom was probably saying about me. it's hard losing your boyfriend and your best friend at the same time. also Kristen was saying how Abby's confidence and identity are probably tied up in Colin since they have been together so long. and i'm sure that's probably true. okay you are probably like "Kristen said" yeah yeah she doesn't know anything you just met her and you just told her all these stuff. well right now she is one of my best friends and she is here.

now i'll probably go stalk josh and abby again before I go to sleep. now that I really want to but i'm still so curious especially now that I have been talking about them. or i'll go read old blog posts. oh but I was saying before that I don't think i'll fully move on (I mean I have moved on completely but you know...) until I get another boyfriend. because all my feelings and affections and love were all given to Josh and he is the only one who has had that from me. so until someone else earns that or wins that or gets that from me and I decide to give that to someone else...Josh still owns all of it, even if it was years ago. he is still the only one.

I miss him.

so I looked up our house's listing and it was sad. it was sad seeing all the pictures of our house like no one even lived there. my room looked so empty without the wall decorated and all my stuff. the tenants will be out of our old house by November 1st so there is a chance that by the time I go back we will have moved...it's kind of hard. I mean I moved before but that was different because we kept the old house and I barely remember that now. plus it was on happier occasions. now we are moving because of a divorce and to a smaller house where I won't even have my own room and it won't feel like home because I will never be there really. so when I come home for breaks it won't feel like home. I mean I guess that's growing up and that happens. it's just kind of hard that's all.

but it's alright I am glad I am here in china. and now I am seriously looking into studying abroad next fall as well in south America because my mom gave me the "go for it" so I have a Skype call with the study abroad advisor on Tuesday. and I am looking at internships and jobs for the spring. ahh crazy stuff. first midterm is on my Monday as well but i'm not really worried I just have to do some readings.

but it's okay. i'm in a good place right now. I am where I want to be. I am doing what I want to do. I am working towards my goals and passions. I am confident in myself and my choices. I am moving forward and whatever happens happens. I am still very driven and motivated, as long as I am happy then everything will be great.

I think that's all. i'll try to keep you updated. but life is good.

hi, i'm not even sure what to say to you. i'm very tired and I should just go to sleep but i'm listening to music and all curled up in my bed and I just wanted to write for a bit.

I was just in Taiwan for a week. I stayed with my dad's girlfriend's brother and mother. which is kind of strange. but they were so nice and welcoming and they are the best. it was him, his wife, their two daughters, and his mother. roxy and I saw so much and navigated through Taiwan by ourselves. I even did a day by myself because roxy was sick. so I took a tour bus to beipu and then lion's head mountain. I hiked a mountain by myself and it was amazing. that was the best day and the best adventure. just to be alone and to figure everything out by myself. there is nothing like that feeling of just traveling by yourself.

but i'm just still living in china. I don't know if I am becoming a better person or having the experience of a lifetime. all I know is that is it a lot harder living here than at babson. I can't just ask people things. I basically can't talk to anyone expect those in my program. which becomes a problem when you want to go anywhere, buy anything, eat food, etc. And then just doing Chinese everyday is exhausting. I don't know, I just kind of feel disconnected from everything. it's not a bad thing, it's just hard living abroad. I love it and I am glad I am here and I wouldn't change it. but sometimes you just wish your internet didn't keep disconnect from your phone so you can't call your dad and that you could just talk to your mom instead of getting a card from her and only exchanging a few texts in a week.

now I need to stop because i'm feeling sad. really I just need to sleep. up at 8am again for another quiz.

ahh I don't know i'm just trying to figure life out I guess. all I can do is take on one day at a time. same as if I was back home. I just do it here.

I don't know, just having one of those nights where I want something more...like I want to talk to someone or I don't know, like something is missing.

probably sleep. okay sleep now. goodnight!

oh heeeeeey, long time no see. guess where I am? yeah don't worry, i'm in Shanghai. in my dorm right now. so you probably have so many questions about everything...

I survived the flight obviously. it wasn't that bad at all. umm orientation was overwhelming. luckily I have Roxy. it's basically like freshmen year all over again meeting everyone and stuff. it's starting to calm down now and we are making friends and all.

Kristen is my best new friend. she is so awesome and I am so glad she is here and we found each other and all. anyways yeah I could go on about her more and I am sure she will come back up again.

Chinese class is okay. we have it everyday and we have a quiz everyday. but it isn't too hard maybe because I know the basics already so it comes to me pretty quickly. but it's okay. it's hard though and it's easy to get discouraged. but I am hoping I will get better.

I am loving living here though. I feel so independent. like I just get things done. I go to my internship by myself (which is kind of boring as well but that's an internship for you) by the metro and I can order food by myself, I can get the taxi driver to the right place and all. basically i'm bad ass. even though I don't speak the language at all, I can get by surprising well. I can figure things out. I have a ton of stories I can tell you. like getting my visa changed. and finding my internship. and getting take out. and just everything that comes with living in a country where you don't speak the language.

i'm sure i'm still in the "honeymoon" phase of studying abroad. i'll hit a low probably once I come back from Taiwan. oh yeah next week Roxy and I are going to Taiwan and staying with daddy's girlfriend's brother and mother. that will be interesting. but it's better than paying for a hotel and they will be welcoming I know. but we will see how it goes. I know that we will figure out what to do whatever happens.

it's just so strange that i'm here in china existing and doing life. life at babson seems so easy and distant. like being able to talk to the people who serve you food and being able to ask anyone a question and being able to drive places and being able to use a gps and understand the labels on things and not needing to bargain...like so easy.

maybe that's why i'm already considering studying abroad again next fall. I know that wasn't in the plan. the plan is to study abroad now. next semester get a job, try to be an fme mentor, maybe an internship in boston for the semester. then the summer either internship or tour. then next year try to be head fme mentor, internship, and start figuring out the rest of my life. if I study abroad in the fall of senior year I 1. miss out on senior year fun and festivities 2. my friends will be so mad and miss me 3. no head fme mentor 4. no concentrations in entrepreneurship/global management 5. miss my family again. BUT on the other side if I go study abroad again 1. either learn Spanish or continue learning Chinese (not in china though) 2. experience this all again and push myself 3. i'm paying for tuition anyways might as well pay to be somewhere else instead of at babson 4. travel while I can! I mean I know I can travel more afterwards but who knows where i'll be or what I will be doing 5. really help myself become who I am meant to be

I don't know, it is really just an idea. I need to look at all the graduation requirements and all. but it's a possibility. because why not?

but we will see how china goes and how it feel about it after 3.5 months. again still in the honeymoon stage so studying abroad again of course sounds great now. we will see how I feel when it's over.

okay so I have a test tomorrow. I have my tutor in 10 minutes. and then I have to meet with some other kids to put together a dialogue. wooo. so great. it's alright. i'll be done with the week before I know it and then i'll be in Taiwan so soon! ahhh another country! so excited!