hi so i don't post here because i usually use my school computer, which i can't access this on for some reason. and usually this laptop is dead.

but things in my life are changing. i love my school and i love college. right now i'm so lucky and i realize that. and now i feel like i should be doing work instead of writing this.

yesterday my dad asked how josh was and if we were staying in contact, and i said good and yes. and then he asked if we were growing farther apart or more distant or something like that, and i said yes, we'll see how it goes at thanksgiving.

i care a whole lot about josh, but i do feel myself growing farther apart. i don't feel like texting him back  or i get annoyed the completely pointless texts we exchange and when i talk to him on the phone, i don't know what to say and then i get frustrated with myself. and then i'm a jerk and i say stuff like i don't want him to come up here. when he was up here it was awkward and i didn't feel like making out with him and it was almost like i expected more out of him. and i feel bad, and i feel like a bitch for even thinking this stuff. and unless i fall in love with him again, i can't see this relationship lasting that much longer. and it's not like this is something sudden that just happened at college, these creeping doubts started around when he left for the cruise and i went to california. and i have mentioned this stuff to him and he just still thinks i'm the best thing ever and that everything is fine and all. and i feel bad for not feeling the same. i still love him, just not the way that i used to when i wanted to spend all my time with him. and i really don't want to break up with him, at all, i want things to go back to how they were but i don't know if that is going to happen. i need to talk about all of this with him in person, but i don't want to do it while he is here in case things go badly, so i have to wait until i go home. 5 weeks.

now if things do go to the worst case scenario and we break up i don't think i would get in another relationship for a long time. because to me relationships are a big deal and a commitment. crap, now i feel like i shouldn't be thinking like this since i made a commitment to josh sort of thing. but cut that out molly, you are a teenager and you deserve to have different boyfriends. okay, back to what i was saying. i think i would want to just date around, and kiss guys, and talk to anyone i want, without worrying about the boyfriend. not that there is anyone right now, but it would be fun to be able to get dressed up and just go out and flirt without having a boyfriend sitting in his dorm room playing videogames that would be hurt knowing i was doing that. i haven't done it. like claire said the other day, it would be so much fun for the two of us to be single. just not have to worry or have a commitment i guess. but it is also nice to be able to talk to guys without them thinking that i like them or something since i already have a boyfriend.

i don't like talking about this anymore. i feel like i'm being a traitor or something for talking about this while i'm still dating josh.

but i am very grateful for my friends at college, they are amazing. and i want maeve to have friends like i do here. she doesn't have any friends really. and that makes me sad and mad. so when my mom asked for ideas of what to do for her sweet sixteen, i told her to bring maeve and maura and maybe bella up here to visit me. except for the fact that the weekend before maeve's birthday i have a retreat friday night until saturday afternoon. so she would just be able to stay over saturday night, unless they skipped school on monday, though i wouldn't be able to miss class, though i only have two classes on monday. then her actual birthday is on tuesday.

now i should do some homework, i'll do some reading i guess. blah.

I love the names of the people in college. Roxelane. Vijay. Abhinay. Irfaan. Vivian. Vinita. Hanishka. Tanushree. Ashray. Amelie. Emmalyne. I love it.

tonight is the first night i've felt depressed. just sort of tired and sad. not like i want to go home, i want to stay here, i belong here. i just sort of miss being able to watch tv without people talking loudly, and i want to have a sincere one and one conversation. i'm sick of walking around everywhere in packs, because we have to do everything together, because if i do something with just one person then i'm leaving everyone else out. and i want to make some new friends too. but right now i guess i'm going to sleep. although i would love to have one of those late night deep philosophical talks right now. i just don't have anyone to do that with right now. so sleep it is.

and by the way, i hate presidential election time. thank goodness it only comes every four years.

i'm up at 3:17 in the morning, i've been up all night, what? loving life.

Abby, like I would tell your mom. She is the one who wakes up to get a text from you, which I find ridiculous by the way. But yeah it's good to walk with other people. My friends make me walk with with them, even though I think Babson is safe enough to just walk around. Roxy and I went on a late night run, so it was dark, but we were too gross and sweaty for anyone to want to hit on us anyways...plus no one would be drunk outside the Babo is too strict for that and would catch them.

But right now I should be doing accounting homework...i only have four problem sets, i did one, but ehh i don't want to do more. i kind of want to take a nap.

But grooveboston today and I have a VIP pass! what up!

i don't really have anything to talk about but i'm waiting for my nails to dry before i go to sleep.

but all is well in college. the only thing that sucks is currently i don't have anyone to eat breakfast with because all of my friends have classes either before or after me ):

still i love it here. i am sure i will like it even more once i meet more people and get settled in even more and join more clubs and such. and yeah. tomorrow i have accounting and calculus and fys, which i love. but yeah i'm sleepy, i wish my nails would dry but now but they are sticky. they are a baby blue with sparkles. fancy, huh?

i guess i'm just trying to figure out who i am and where i fit into babson and with these other people. i'm trying to make myself participate in every class, which i did during my three classes today. the hard part about that is i want to make meaningful comments, not just talking for the sake of talking, which is sometimes hard. but i did well in HSF, not so hot with that in FME. but i think it will get easier.

but i also got training for doing Big Sister for a Day, which is kind of cool because now i can be a part of that program. you know just trying new things and all. i can't wait until ceramics classes start up here because i miss that. and i miss riding but two freshmen are trying to start a riding club so hopefully i will be able to start riding some.

ahh college life is crazy. you are living with a bunch of kids your age. i'm not used it to but so far it's good. i might grow sick of it, but hopefully that holds off for a while longer. and the food isn't the greatest, but today was the first time i had pizza. but that is because we ate late and that was really all that was left. usually i eat pretty healthy like.

umm, what else? apparently someone on the first floor of my dorm threatened someone with a knife. he got arrested but i think he's coming back but he's going to be in a different dorm now. so good stuff.

i have a presentation tomorrow and a speech the day afterwards. but then it's the weekend! i might be doing more community service stuff on friday with Lily. and then we have Groove Boston on Friday night, which should be awesome. then i'll probably sleep all day Saturday and then who knows what else. i love how you can just chill and do what you want!

anyways, sleep now. i'm tired...

yeah yeah frat parties. not that fun. and another reminder of why i don't drink, since the girls who did drink had some after kick, so who knows what was in their drinks. but now i'm chilling back at the dorm. i'll probably go to another party sometime because i like getting dressed up, but i prefer parties with dancing, not just walking from room to room drinking.

my roommate today fell asleep around 5ish and slept until probably like 9 and then she got up and is now partying. she is living the life. but noo, i like her a lot. she's awesome. anyways, yeah. i'm sleepy. but two more days off before classes. i only have a little bit of homework left because i did a lot today and yesterday. so i'm good.

i went for a run today, for the first time like ever. it felt good. Roxy and I went late, like 8:30ish, and it was so pretty because there was a full moon and all. so it was good.

and now i'm tired and i'm going to pass out, so i will write again soon!