why am I having such a much harder time today. like I actually cried. still partially crying.

well first of all Emma called me saying sorry and all. which like i'm glad she did and I said I was fine and everything. but it's just one of those things that won't ever go away and I can't really forget. but i'm meeting up with her on Wednesday so we will see how that goes.

but then I called my mom and she said something like how she wished she was having a birthday like mine or whatever. and I told her that snapchat makes everything look better. and just as I was telling her what we did and how none of our friends came through or were there or did anything for us I was just about to cry, I had to change the subject. i told her i guess that what happens when you get older, birthdays get less special. and i thought i was going to see her this weekend but i think maeve, Maura, and ana are coming up without her. and she hasn't bought me anything or sent me a card which i don't blame her but she was asking what i wanted and i don't even care. and i'm just so sad. and i was thinking about all that i did for Amelie's birthday, the cake, the concert tickets, the book last year, and all i fucking got was a facebook post and a picture collage. i love Amelie and i don't blame her for not doing anything because she is isn't here. but no one did anything. no one cared.

and i hate that i am sobbing right now. i want to just be independent and not give a shit. but this is really making me upset and sad and miserable right now.

and then Ellie was just texting me asking what she could expect from Emma and she is just so unforgiving and i just can't deal. i'll put the convo here i guess.

E: Have you talked to her?
M: Yep she called me too
What should I expect from this phone call?
She just apologized!
She feels really bad
As she should.
Don't be too hard on her!
E: She'll never learn if no one is hard on her. It's just the same with her being late. Everyone just accepts that Emma is always 45 minutes late...That's not okay. If you commit to something, you follow through.
M: Yeah, I guess so
E: Oh it's totally okay you couldn't even bother to post on our Facebook wall. Or apologize to us yesterday once you were up. Or anything.

And I just couldn't even respond. I see Ellie's point but I still love Emma and I can just forgive her easier. I mean no one else fucking did anything either.

I don't know. i just feel so sad. and alone i guess. i have Ellie i guess but she is just so bitter at everyone too. and i'm sad and disappointed but i can't hold that kind of grudge and bitterness, i know that i will just forgive them and go back to how it was. even though they might not understand or whatever. i'll just bottle it up like i always do.

maybe i should have been harder on Emma but what is that going to do now? whatever. what the fuck ever. i don't care. or i do but i don't want to. fuckkk.

i just want to be with my family. or someone who cares. i don't even have anyone i can turn to talk about this now.

for a second there i thought i could talk to Amelie now and i was trying to decide if i wanted to drag her into all of this. but now she is going to zumba so that is not even an option.

i could talk to Roxy but she is still in Turkey so timezones. and then there is Kristen but i would have to fill her in and she has a lot of other more important things to worry about so i don't want to bother her. and there is Dana but i would have to fill her in and i don't know if she would be able to relate and get it. plus i don't want anyone to feel bad that they didn't do anything. like i don't want my mom to feel bad now that i told her that. she probably won't, she has other things to worry about. like how we are going to pay for college. oh right, she just took out a 40,000 dollar loan in my name. so now i have $50,000 in loans. awesome. now i am crying again.

i'm really just overtired and just the reality of this whole weekend is hitting me now that i have had time to think about it and all. honestly work will be great when i can just worry about that. and now i have to figure out a way to tell Ellie I don't really want to go out to eat with her and her brother tomorrow after i said that "i may come." and especially after all this talk with Emma. i might just tell her tomorrow and risk her being mad at me. whatever.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay maybe Amelie is here for me to talk to. i need her to balance out all of Ellie's energy and keep me grounded.

okay time to get over myself and stop crying and stop thinking about all of this. bottle it up, Molly. that was enough emotions to get me through another month.

reminder that few but quality friends are better than a lot of sub-par friends. quality over quantity.

my closest and highest quality friends are currently Ellie, Amelie, Roxy, Kristen, and Dana.

by the way i'm 21!

okay so I guess i'm going to tell you about some of my adventures.

so since none of our Boston friends were free or cared enough Ellie and I took on the weekend by ourselves. it started the day before and we went to see Princess Bride for free, which was crazy because there were too many people and not enough seats, but we stuck it out and got seats. but then we had two hours to kill before midnight and somehow we made it. Ellie kept wanting to make friends and talk to people, but I was just like no...so instead I made up stories about people to entertain her. sometimes i'm in the mood to talk to people but then I was not.

finally it was midnight and we ended up at a hotel bar because we didn't want to wait in line. which was great because a slight intoxicated businessman paid for our drinks. that is after the bartender pretended that we had to wait until the night of our birthday. his joke went on way too long. but anyways we got our first legal drinks in the US and then went back for the night.

okay next day. started at IHOP, which was actually surprising good. and then we relaxed. then we tried to take the bus and then the subway, but the bus was so late that we ended up ditching it and just taking an uber. dinner was good and we had delicious drinks. and then we went to the Ingrid michaelson concert which jukebox the ghost opened up for and it was amazing and I love Ingrid even though the mics were out for a bit. but it was perfect. and then after that we ended up at Legal Harborside rooftop bar which we were out of place for. a while we were waiting to see if anyone would talk to us and buy us drinks. but it was just so awkward, finally we got a place to sit and I just bought us drinks. then we realized we were really out of place so then we decided to go to whiskey priest.

okay so whiskey priest once we got in was more our scene. there was a live band just finishing up when we got there. and it was packed but there was more room and it was more laid back. so we ended up basically just awkwardly standing there. we had to pay a cover to get in so I refused to pay for drinks. so we were basically hoping that someone would buy us drinks. and after a while we decided to call it in like 15 minutes, and then with 5 minutes to go two kids came and talked to us. one Asian and one kind of average white kid. once they found out it was both of our birthdays, the white kid, we are going to call him Matt because that is what Ellie said his name is even though I didn't hear/remember and the Asian kid's name is Joe I remember that one. anyways the white kid decided to buy us both drinks, and then Asian wow, hold on. anyways Matt decided to buy us both drinks and Joe acted like he was going to go with him but he just stood there and talked to his friend. then Matt came back and Joe joined to. and I was talking to Matt for the most part. okay here is what I found out about him. I can't remember if he said he was from Sharon or Athol, MA but he is from MA. he graduated from Fordham College (I think, it started with F and sounded like that so yes...?) and he works for PWC. and that day he just moved to his own apt in Cambridge out of his parents house. so exciting. anyways after all the information was communicated and we finished our drinks, we danced. which was kind of awkward and strange because he was like wrapped his arm around me and rubbing? dancing? against me and very shortly after we started dancing Joe said he had to go to the bathroom and didn't come back. which is good because he was a jerk and we didn't like him. anyways then it got kind of more awkward because then Matt was trying to dance with both Ellie and I. he was just a really nice guy I think.

but I just felt really bad that he bought two drinks for us and then he was offering to buy more. I was like nooo way. and we left soon after that. I gave him my number as we were leaving because I felt so bad. I felt like I had to go buy him a coffee or something. anyways for prosperity's sake here is the convo. he texted me at like 2:45am that same night.

"Hey Molly from Whiskey Priest. Very nice meeting you, hope you guys had a great birthday out. Maybe we'll meet up in the city sometime"

to which I responded at 1pm today: "Hey! Thanks, we had an awesome night! Hope you had a good first night officially living in Boston! And yes, I owe you a coffee or something!"

and I haven't heard from him since. which I shouldn't be bummed out about. because I don't really lose out, I got my free drinks. but I don't know. it would be fun? to talk to him. I want to hear his side of the whole situation and tell me about mine. and I think it would just be fun to go get coffee and talk to him. but we will see if he ever texts me back. his loss if he doesn't. then I realized I didn't really put a question or ask or anything in the text so he really has nothing to respond to. but we will see if he ever does. that would be fun though, right?

anyways now let me tell you my rant about bars. I don't really like them. you can't hear each other talk, it's loud, and packed. it's full of girls who either are trying to get free drinks or who want to hook up. and guys who will buy girls free drinks in order to hook up. so no thanks for me. it might have been more fun if we had another friend or two who were more used to go out to bars. I don't know. it was just so overwhelming. maybe if we went to a more laid back one with friends to just talk with them that would be better. but those crazy bar/club things are crazy. maybe it is for meeting people like I met Matt? but we will see if anything comes of that and I would rather meet people other ways, like through mutual friends, at events, idk, a bar just seems kind of sketch I guess.

okay now last topic I think for the night is the lack of effort our friends put into our birthday. I can't blame Amelie because she lives in LA even though we always give her awesome parties/gifts. she at least posted on facebook with pictures and a thoughtful post. Emily who is in Boston I think was busy all weekend, but she at least texted us at midnight. Emma and Greg were supposed to come to brunch with us on Sunday with Sarah. then Emma and Greg bailed because Emma was sick, but they didn't text us until 11:15 when we had reservations for 11. and neither of them messaged us to say happy birthday. so we were just kind of all around disappointed. what if we didn't have the other one? we wouldn't have anyone to do birthday stuff with...Emma, Greg, Edgar (who I don't think we got a happy birthday from at all), and Sarah all went to a different concert so we wouldn't have been able to hang out with them. I don't even know what Emily was doing. but I am very thankful for Ellie or else it would have been one lonely birthday.

okay now it is almost 8:15pm and I think it is time for bed.

oh you know who else didn't wish me happy birthday? Derek! like come on, kid. good bye to you then, don't really care as much about you as I might have once.

but birthdays are getting less and less exciting. my dad actually brought me out to a nice fancy dinner and gave me lots of gift cards. and Auntie Julie mailed me a card with cash. so both of them win in the family department. I think my mom and sisters and their exchange student from Spain are coming up next weekend so maybe we will have small celebration then. but I really just have to learn not to get my hopes up. because every time I thought "oh maybe it's a surprise" or "we will have a nice brunch with our friends" they are crushed. soooo no more expectations. then why the hell do I keep checking my phone?

to sum up. happy to be 21. happy for Ellie. birthdays are not that exciting. bars/clubs/night life not that great. boys are stupid. a few high quality friends are all that I need.

I have all the high quality friends I need. it doesn't matter that barely anyone posted on my facebook wall. I have all the high quality friends I need.

i'm just kind of sad after that weekend. I don't know. I had fun and it was a successful weekend. but it wasn't all that special. I guess that's life.

it's been a long time since I posted. over a month. and I don't really feel like posting now either. like I have been avoiding posting. I've been thinking about it but I just haven't wanted to.

right now it's 9:10 and I just want to sleep. but I am forcing myself to write. I won't catch up on everything yet. my list from last time carries over plus:

- Spotify
- Boston
- Ellie?
- Ryan
- Taylor
- Maeve
- Life?

a lot of people apparently. I don't know.

right now I want to talk about what has been making me feel bad all day.

I have figured out that I distance myself from people. I just do it by default. a few examples. first context, we surprised Maeve with Ryan Dilmore for her graduation party so he was at our house from Wednesday night to Monday. so anyways. one night at the bonfire I was in a crap mood because I was tired and Ellie was there and I was getting sick of her. fab friend I know. but after Ellie had gone up to bed I was still sitting at the bonfire by myself while my mom, maeve, and ryan lied on the grass looking at the stars. I was invited over but I said no. so I just sat there listening to them laugh and talk while I was on the outside. I was invited. I said no. I was also in a bad mood. but I alientated myself.

then there was talk of a band called Sassy Robots where Maura sang and Maeve played guitar but I had no part in it. they were trying to make up parts for me but I didn't fit in. and I furthered that by making it clear that I wasn't part of it. eventually we got the piano out and Ryan helped us start our own song but anyways that was afterwards.

and then Ryan was going for a walk for a few minutes and he was basically out the door and he asked if I wanted to come. and I said no thinking that he needed his alone time for a few minutes. but he invited still and I said no.

okay now this is a bit different. whenever I leave home, especially after we have guest overs, I get this horrible feeling in my chest and just feel really tight like a have a knot in my ribcage and I just feel like crying. like when I left after Ross and Zach (and Taylor) were there I started crying as soon as I drove away. but this time we were going to go geocaching but then realized I needed to leave soon so we were going to leave my car in Easthampton but that meant I needed to be ready to go. so I had to rush and pack and that feeling just hit me so hard and I was just in a bad mood and felt like crying. so I was getting in my car and was about to cry when my mom told Ryan to come with me. but I said no. he was basically getting into my car but I was like no, my car is a mess, no no no, I was pretty desperate. so he defeatedly said "okay she doesn't want me to come with her" or something like that. and he went in the other car. and I was crying before I even pulled out of the driveway and I spent the rest of the time driving to Easthampton trying to pull myself together. but then for geocaching and dinner and all I was just in a bad mood because I had to leave and was trying not to cry. and Ryan tried to ask more questions or have a convo with me about Spotify for a second, like two questions walking back to the car at one point. so maybe he had wanted to talk with me more? we never really talked one on one. and he and everyone else obviously noticed my bad mood. not sure if they knew the reason. it was because I had to leave them. but I feel so bad now. I keep thinking about not letting Ryan come in my car. and I don't know if I would do anything differently because I was about to start crying so I wouldn't have wanted him to see me like that and if he got in my car I don't think I would have been able to hold it together and I wouldn't want to talk to him and have him be all nice and just have me sobbing and pouring my heart out or whatever and then have to get out of the car and me being all upset and him saying something to my family or whatever. sooo instead I just pushed him and everyone away.

let's see who else I have pushed away. Michele extremely much so. Nasser as well. Derek I actually welcomed in closer and asked if he wanted to video chat or talk on the phone and he said no. so now I can easily distance myself from him. even my friends don't know all that goes on, Ellie and Amelie know a lot more. Emma used to but then I was abroad, then she was abroad, and now she is back but she is in a pretty serious relationship with Greg so I don't think I will be sharing as much with her. Kristen knows pretty much everything, but I barely ever talk with her.

but that is my coping mechanism, bottle it all up inside, keep everyone away. but I mean it works. I don't need anyone. I can do everything myself. I know I am not supposed to think that and I actually do need people. but honestly I don't. I will survive on my own.

but it is kind of sad. like with Ryan. I don't know what he thinks about me now. but whatever. i'll see him in two weeks when he tours along with the rest of my family, but it won't be for that long. and then I probably won't see him for a long time. people come and go. like all of these people who come and stay with us: Taylor, Zach Michael, Ross, Zach Gaudet...they are friends while they are here but then they are gone and don't really care about us or maybe they do but not enough to stay in communications with us. if they need another place to stay though they will be back. awesome.

I could give more examples of how I have distanced myself and just built up my walls so I can be happy with myself. I just keep tightening that knot in my chest and not letting go of it.