I have not posted in months. wow.

so i'm still in Ireland.

James said he loves me the other day. I was upset because I feel like I'm just wasting my life and I'm not doing anything meaningful at my job and I don't know if I should go home or stay here. and if I took this job for the summer yeah yeah. but basically it turned into James saying that we would stay together if I left for the summer, I said I thought we would never talk again like it would be over, and he said that I'm his best friend and he loves me. so I said I love him too.

Literally playing that moment over in my head and hearing him say "I love you" has been what has gotten me through this week. neither of us has said it since, I think we have to get used to it, but we have been extra lovely dovey and all. so that happened Saturday. then Sunday we literally stayed in bed all day cuddling or sleeping or talking. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom or put a show on.

but he said that it would be hard if I left for the summer as long as I came back and it wasn't for too long it would be okay. and that if I waited three years for him to finish school he would move to the US with me.

this is all majorly different from what I was thinking where we stood - but I guess we also had that conversation back when I thought I was only staying for the summer so being together 3 months versus the 9 we are at now. so it makes me excited and it gives me comfort but it is another kind of nervous. like should I really stay with him that long? we will stay together that long? if I leave will it work out? he's the first man I've had sex with. I dated Josh years ago so this is my first serious relationship for a while. what if i'm having all these doubts because he isn't the one and it's not going to work out. I don't know, I can't think like that. all I know is right now I love him and want to spend time with him and we will see where it goes.

I had an interview today for a summer position at Boston Symphony Orchestra and I don't know how it went. I can never tell. but I wasn't supposed to go over James's but then he was saying he wanted me to so then I was going to so I started getting ready after the interview but then he said let's leave it for tonight because he was going to go to sleep now. and now I've just been bummed out. and none of the other interesting jobs here in Dublin got back to me. and now i'm just tired.

and I haven't told you anything about helping James through his anxiety and depression. he is on medication now after I rode the bus with him to his 2 appointments. and then today he went to his counsellor appointment on his own. and he quit coca cola. and I am really proud of him.

and I did a writing class yesterday which was good and I should do some writing for that now but I don't feel like it but at least I am writing in this. so I guess I am doing some kind of writing.

I haven't even told you about when I was home for 2 weeks and was in a weird funk moping around.

I don't know what I am doing. I don't like my job, but I love James, and I don't really have any other friends, I have my cousins aunt and uncle here who I usually see every other week. I have a tiny room but rent is cheap, I am saving money. Like it isn't bad but I just want more really. I think that's why I can't just settle and be content. but slowly but surely i'm trying to find a new job. we will see what happens with James. I miss my family but I also don't know how to talk or be around them either. and I don't know what I am doing with my life.

I need to stop moping and appreciate what I have.

I am grateful for this house and cheap rent.
I am grateful I am making a living for myself.
I am grateful I am independent.
I am grateful I can move to a new country and live here.
I am grateful I have people who love and care about me.
I am grateful I am healthy.
I'm grateful.

okay now I think it's time to shower and go to sleep. nice and early, in bed by 9pm please.

I've just felt so anxious all day without a clear reason. I think it has to do with yesterday I tried to say thank you to James's mom for cooking me dinner all the time and it was so awkward and cringey and I just couldn't stand it and James just laughed at me. And I started to get upset of course. And I was telling me how it's still uncomfortable and awkward for me to basically be living in his house, I'm sleeping at his more than I'm sleeping at mine. And he said if the tables were turned, he wouldn't do what I do. But like it's what I have to do if I want to spend time with him. And then later on in the night he said he feels like I put in more effort or do more than him. So I asked if he wants me to do less and he said no, he wants to do more. But I don't know if all that got to me today just looking at what I'm doing with my life. My job is boring and I don't like it, I live half the time at my boyfriend's mother's house, I am making enough money to support myself and save some, and like I enjoy hanging out with James but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. And I've always known I wasn't going to stay at this job but now I'm staying so I can get paid for my vacations and I am getting a trip to Vienna for work.

Now I just talked to Maeve for a while basically crying and telling her everything. And it's kind of like I know I am going to have to leave Dublin if I want to do more, even though I would love to just get an apartment with James and live with him. But I'll be stuck if I do. I'll get another job but everyone gets stuck in Dublin. it's like a small town that you can't leave, everyone just pulls you down to their level. yeah, I can rise above it but I already feel myself getting stuck and complacent. how many months did I waste here? but was it really a waste? no, I don't think so, I don't think that is fair to call it a waste.

But I know I need a change soon. The last two months just sort of disappearing. Going to work, going to James's, going to work, going to James's, like that is it. I didn't do anything. And yes, I could do this the rest of my life but I wouldn't fill fulfilled or happy.

Maybe I just realized that a change is coming and it scared me and got me anxious. Because I can't do this forever. And it is going to kill me and hurt me so much to say bye to James, but I know it's going to happen even if it my head my fantasy is moving into an apartment with him and running my own business with him and being so happy with him. I have so much more to do and I don't know if I can do it with him and I don't know if I can do it here in Ireland. I'm holding myself back, I know that. I just have to figure out if it is me living in Ireland that is holding me back or if I would do the same no matter where I live and I just need to start doing something with my life.

Okay schedule for next week - this week I'll be in Scotland!

Lunch - calling companies in Ireland
Monday - with James
Tuesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs/Zumba (or maybe with fam?)
Wednesday - with James
Thursday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Friday to Monday - Vienna but try to do work for myself
Tuesday - James
Wednesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Thursday - ditto
Friday to Sunday - James
Packing & working for myself & seeing James when I can

So basically I need to try to fit in learning Illustrator, applying for jobs, calling companies during lunch, and going to see James when I can - on the weekend usually I can get some work done too and sometimes on the bus I can too if my body decides to cooperate and I don't get a headache while on my laptop.

But now I have to go cook dinner, finish packing and cleaning, and then sleep - ideally in bed before 9 and I have to shower - talking to Maeve and all this crying really put me back.

I just have to talk and tell you this even if you don't care or you think it's not your problem.

I've given you too much control over me. Over what I should wear, that I should get glasses. I know you do it to try to help me or they are just suggestions, but I do it because I want to please you and I want you think better of me. And then when I'm trying on all these clothes and I don't like them and don't feel good in them and I feel like shit and I'm trying to tell you this and you say who cares. Who cares? you don't care, just fucking want nudes. Who would care about you and your thoughts and feelings, Molly? you're not good enough. you're not smart enough, not stylish enough, not pretty enough. why have I given you the fucking power to make me feel this way, I don't need you, I don't want to need you, yet here I am needing your fucking validation. All I want is to be good enough for you.

And I know that is stupid because I should just be happy and confident with myself and not need anyone to make me feel like I'm good enough because I am enough just on my own. And you obviously like me already how I am.

I've literally been tearing myself up over this for an hour not able to sleep. and he just typed "Molly who cares" and then hasn't said another word and I just want him to say something and talk to me. And I hate how he affects me like this. I would do fucking anything for him. And that's scary and this is scary and what the fuck am I doing with my life.

I'm so sick and I was supposed to be asleep at 8 and now it's 10 and I have a whole day of work tomorrow. this fucking sucks.

okay so I had dinner at my aunt and uncles and then she drove me home and first she asked how James was and then we were talking about friends and who I know and all and then she asked if I would consider anything romantic and I was sort of like ehh I don't know how long I'll be here blah blah and just sort of shot it down.

and then I was telling James this and he was like "why don't you just tell her the truth?"

and I was like "do you want me telling me?" and he's like "I don't care" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and we stopped video chatting soon after that and then messaging was weird too and now we've stopped that.

and now it's like stuck on my mind and I can't make sense of it. yeah I could have told her that we were dating and that I'm seeing him, but I didn't want her to make a big deal out of it but maybe she wouldn't have. but then it would be like a thing. and I don't even know if I can call him my boyfriend or what I would even say. like my friend? I don't really care about titles but other people will ask or whatever. and I don't know.

like my mom knows i'm dating/having sex with someone but I don't ever talk about him. I don't know, it just seemed kind of like something I'm not supposed to talk about.

and I'm scared to even talk to James about this because he would make it a non-deal and be like why are you overthinking this, it doesn't matter.

I don't want it to be like he's not as important because I didn't tell my aunt. I don't know. I'm not super close with my aunt and I know she just cares and is coming from a good place so why didn't I just tell her. I don't know.

This really isn't a big deal. James is already talking about something else after our conversation fizzled out and got awkward.

If I decide I do want her to know, I think I'll have more of those car rides, so I can just be like yeah so I started dating him so that's a thing.

anyways I think this is a non issue and I shouldn't worry about it. if I am still stuck on it on Friday when I see him then I'll talk to him about it.

I have no posted here in a while. let me see what the last thing I posted was. I feel like I start a lot of posts like this.

ah fuck you're missing a lot.

yeah, yeah, I've had sex with James, not that big of a deal. we're still together. he's great. I spend a lot of time with him.

I'm still in Ireland. I have a job and am working at a carpet cleaning company doing marketing for them but he is also a manager for an artist so I help with that too.

But I just got off the phone with my dad. And I realize/he confirmed what I was thinking about didn't want to believe - that I have to start putting a lot more into my job. Like I am just sort of there but since I don't like it, I'm not really trying. I have to start trying and actually do shit even if I don't really like it. I want to make myself the best employee at that company. That's what my dad said he did, so maybe I'll try that. It is so hard to motivate myself though when it is so boring. But I'll give it my best effort tomorrow. Like one day of actually trying to work the full day without wasting time and bullshitting.

And then I also have to find time to work on myself and what I want to do. Like today I took the time to revise my resume. But now I am considering waking up earlier in the morning so I can do the Darren Hardy thing where I work on myself and learn. And then I am going to have to go to more concerts and start networking and learning things.

Ah so much and I don't know what I'm doing. But I am living on my own now - well in a house with three other people. And a lot has happened that I haven't told you about. But I'm still surviving.

Okay so my game plan is I am going to wake up at 7 tomorrow, which is 45 minutes earlier than I have to. I'm going to try to do the Darren Hardy thing my dad paid a lot of money for, for his company, but he gave me access too.

And next week I'm going to start looking into what concerts are going on so I can start going to more of those even if they are during the week so I can see the scene and all.

But now I'm just tired and it's not even 10 and I'm going to get ready to go to bed. Awesome.

so a lot has happened. I bought birth control, I haven't started it yet, I need to wait for my period to start.

I almost, started to have sex with James last night? like his tip was in and he had a condom on but then it started to hurt and I freaked out. but there was blood so that was fun.

oh I also talked to my mom about going on birth control and she said to make sure I use condoms too.

and James did tell me straight that if wouldn't see other people romantically while he was seeing me romantically - and that he wouldn't want to. he has been very clear how much he likes me and yeah.

I trust him a lot. I slept over his house last night. and next time I'm over there I will be having sex with him. So exciting stuff.

And I'm so tired but that is the update I got for you. Okay goodnight.

Oh I also realized my dad forgot my birthday, I had talked to him the day before my birthday and he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. and then he was going to call today - because he was driving, but my wifi wasn't working. but I didn't hear anything from him day of, so cool.

so last night I stayed up until 5am talking to James. it was later before I fell asleep. there was already light coming through the window.

I don't know how we started talking about it. but I was asking him a bunch of questions and then I said something stupid and felt horrible. and then it turned into talking about us. and he just has a different understanding and viewpoint of relationship. like he is committed to our friendship and this is everything (except sex) that we have, but it isn't exclusive. like he can do whatever he wants with his body. but I still trust him. like I know it sounds like a way to just sleep around with whoever he wants but it kind of makes sense. he says I kept fixating too much on the other people when that is not what it is about. he didn't want to spell it out for me so I could figure it out. and often he said that he shouldn't have to say this. basically there is him and then there is me, we are our own separate people but we have a good time together, the best of times. and we still have our own separate lives. by saying we're "exclusive" is just saying something to ease insecurities, but not actually doing anything. he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to be accountable to me. we aren't dependent on each other. but we can still build this friendship.

and he said how he has never tried to distance himself from me. and I thought these jokes were a way to keeping a distance, but he said no they were just jokes. and he said how hard he works to try to get me to laugh. and he said how smart I am, because I can keep up with him and call him out.

and I made the mistake last night of asking roxy for help with what to say and that made it worse because Roxy is very much in one set mindset and I don't think she would have gotten it quickly enough to help me. so I sent a few bad messages based on Roxy's advice.

but I think I am going to give this a go because what he says makes sense. all about being independent and your own person, this is what I say when I am talking about relationships. but why not go all in for the summer. fully knowing that this will be over in august. but you still have those memories and we helped shape the other person into who they are and will become.

and I am seriously considering sex with him. it seems like one of the safest ways to do it for the first time. with someone who trusts and respects me and it is what it is. I know where we stand and I know it is only going to be for these three months and I am okay with that. as hard as that conversation was, it was necessary and I feel better about everything.

it is different than what I am used to and grown up thinking. but honestly by being in a relationship and being exclusive are just words. I would rather just build up a friendship and I decide what I want to do with my body and with who. and if this all blows up in my face, then okay, but i'm going to try and see what happens.

i'm finding and building my own person now and I think I need to take ownership of that. I need to step away from asking my friends everything and be confident in myself and what I do.

and I think I am going to have to write Ellie a letter. because running away and ignoring it isn't the most adult thing to do.

anyways I came to Ireland to think I was going to intern, I quit that, and now I got myself tangled into this mess with James. it isn't actually a mess. I am grateful and i'm glad. he pushes me to think different and to think about myself.


ughh it still kind of gets me. thinking that he could do the same thing with other girls. but he says it is not about that, I am just stuck on that. okay maybe I just got it. it's like me saying "you are not allowed to see other girls" but who I am to say what he is and is not allowed to do? he chooses what is best for him. I just focus on my friendship/relationship with him and I make choices for myself.

if he was having sex with other women, then that is probably a symptom of something else is wrong in our friendship, or not wrong, but I don't know. i'm still working this out in my head. it's like it makes sense and I get it one second but then it jumps back and I am stuck again.

ah okay, I need to get up, get some food, get dressed, do work for Phil, then I have a phone call with him later. I also need to put clothes away. and then I have four people who I need to call. and I am still considering if I should tell my mom that I am thinking I am on birth control