I just have to talk and tell you this even if you don't care or you think it's not your problem.

I've given you too much control over me. Over what I should wear, that I should get glasses. I know you do it to try to help me or they are just suggestions, but I do it because I want to please you and I want you think better of me. And then when I'm trying on all these clothes and I don't like them and don't feel good in them and I feel like shit and I'm trying to tell you this and you say who cares. Who cares? you don't care, just fucking want nudes. Who would care about you and your thoughts and feelings, Molly? you're not good enough. you're not smart enough, not stylish enough, not pretty enough. why have I given you the fucking power to make me feel this way, I don't need you, I don't want to need you, yet here I am needing your fucking validation. All I want is to be good enough for you.

And I know that is stupid because I should just be happy and confident with myself and not need anyone to make me feel like I'm good enough because I am enough just on my own. And you obviously like me already how I am.

I've literally been tearing myself up over this for an hour not able to sleep. and he just typed "Molly who cares" and then hasn't said another word and I just want him to say something and talk to me. And I hate how he affects me like this. I would do fucking anything for him. And that's scary and this is scary and what the fuck am I doing with my life.

I'm so sick and I was supposed to be asleep at 8 and now it's 10 and I have a whole day of work tomorrow. this fucking sucks.

okay so I had dinner at my aunt and uncles and then she drove me home and first she asked how James was and then we were talking about friends and who I know and all and then she asked if I would consider anything romantic and I was sort of like ehh I don't know how long I'll be here blah blah and just sort of shot it down.

and then I was telling James this and he was like "why don't you just tell her the truth?"

and I was like "do you want me telling me?" and he's like "I don't care" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and we stopped video chatting soon after that and then messaging was weird too and now we've stopped that.

and now it's like stuck on my mind and I can't make sense of it. yeah I could have told her that we were dating and that I'm seeing him, but I didn't want her to make a big deal out of it but maybe she wouldn't have. but then it would be like a thing. and I don't even know if I can call him my boyfriend or what I would even say. like my friend? I don't really care about titles but other people will ask or whatever. and I don't know.

like my mom knows i'm dating/having sex with someone but I don't ever talk about him. I don't know, it just seemed kind of like something I'm not supposed to talk about.

and I'm scared to even talk to James about this because he would make it a non-deal and be like why are you overthinking this, it doesn't matter.

I don't want it to be like he's not as important because I didn't tell my aunt. I don't know. I'm not super close with my aunt and I know she just cares and is coming from a good place so why didn't I just tell her. I don't know.

This really isn't a big deal. James is already talking about something else after our conversation fizzled out and got awkward.

If I decide I do want her to know, I think I'll have more of those car rides, so I can just be like yeah so I started dating him so that's a thing.

anyways I think this is a non issue and I shouldn't worry about it. if I am still stuck on it on Friday when I see him then I'll talk to him about it.