okay so I owe you some updates.

so I had a second date with Prateek. I picked him up from work and went out to dinner at The Local. and it went really well, I like talking with him and it is easy to talk with him. and then since everyone else in my suite had went home, I brought him back to my suite. and we talked for a little bit. and then we made out. like really made out. clothes off, touching pretty much everywhere. and I enjoyed it. and I enjoyed talking with him while we made out too. and there were parts where I wasn't feeling it, but other parts where I really was. but anyways then Ellie freaked out on me, while he was still over. let me show you the text exchange.

10:46 Ellie: Yo Are you back safely?
10:57 Molly: Hey! Yes I am okay!
10:58 Ellie: Thanks.
11:01 Ellie: Only had a small panic attack.
11:04 Ellie: Or having a heart attack.
11:04 Molly: Don't have a heart attack! I promise I'm okay! I'll tell you all about it later
11:04 Ellie: Ya.
11:06 Ellie: I kind of feel worthless
11:07 Ellie: K well night I guess
11:13 Ellie: I don't like this
11:13 Molly: Noo Ellie I'll call you in 5 minutes
11:13 Ellie: Forget it.

So then I called her, while Prateek was still here. and I kept calling until she picked up because she wouldn't answer her phone. and she was freaking out on me. like how she felt alone. and how I was on a dating app for a week and already found someone. and how she doesn't want to be the only one in our friend group who is single. this is because Amelie is now recently in a relationship and been spending a lot of time with Isaac so we have had to get used to that. and then Ellie goes into how she hasn't been happy at all lately and how she has thought about telling us but hasn't. and then the whole thing about how she had a bad experience with a tinder guy, she had invited him over to watch Netflix and he wanted more than she did so she had to kick him out. so I understand why she was worried. but she was overreacting. when I said I was fine, she should have backed down and trusted me. but then I told her about that night, not that he was still there, or she wouldn't have talked to me. and she didn't really have a response but it doesn't matter because that was my choice.

Ellie is too dependent on her friends. she can't be alone or by herself. maybe it has to do with how she was brought up and didn't have the closest family or that she had a bad time freshman year and didn't have any friends. but she has to let us breathe. she basically scolded Amelie the other day because Amelie didn't tell her the truth about when she was going with Isaac and spent longer with him than she said she would. she is going to have to learn how to live without us. like I don't want to live in the same place as her just so I can distance myself. there is a reason why we don't want to tell her everything, because she judges and she clings on too much. I know she cares and she is a great friend but she expects so much. and is she is disappointed and upset if we don't live up to those expectations once.

compare her freak out reaction to when I told Roxy I wasn't going to work on the essay with her tonight, and she said "Okay! I'll see you tomorrow!" and she trusted me. I told Roxy everything that happened with Prateek and Ellie and all. I trust her so much, we have been through so much together and I love her. and she gives me space. we don't have to hang out or talk to know we are still friends. I can go weeks without talking or hanging out with Roxy and know that we are still best friends. if I went a week without talking to Ellie she would freak out and get mad at me. if I go a day without talking to Ellie I think she is pissed.

but anyways me and Prateek. he is really cool. and I like talking with him. it's easy to talk to him. and I like kissing him. we have been texting a bit since then, but he doesn't like texting and it takes him hours to reply. which is fine. he has never been in a relationships because he never wanted to be after seeing his parent's relationship. so i'm pretty sure that whole not wanting a relationship still stands. which is okay. I am just taking it one day at a time. my plan is to do this weird texting thing over this month and then if he wants to meet up when I am back we will. and we will do a few more dates, probably make out some more, and then see what happens. I don't know if we will get together, I don't really care either way currently. if I never saw him again, I would be sad, but I wouldn't care that much. I am currently caring a little more than I want to, like checking my phone to see if he texted, rereading his texts a bunch before I respond, and seeing if he saw my snap stories. but the whole crushing thing is pretty under control. I am realistic and have a good head on my shoulders. I know the odds of anything actually working out are slim, but i'm just going to have fun.

this month i'm just going to relax and try not to worry too much about boys.

oh he is going to be in new York when I would have if I went with Ellie. so for a while I was regretting not going with Ellie, since i'm going to be home by myself for new years. but then I remembered why I didn't go in the first place, in a huge city when it is freezing cold, spending money, and spending all my time with Ellie and Amelie. I need a break. I still kind of regret it because it would have been nice to kiss Prateek on new years but that is okay. it is probably good for us to have space too, no need to move too quickly.

anyways now my computer is going to die. I haven't gone to the barn today, I probably won't, I didn't go yesterday. I just cancelled on my babysitting gig to take this class that I might not even keep and I don't even know what I am doing with my life. yay.

hi so I met a guy I met via a dating app. and he kissed me. he also paid for my lunch. and now I have been texting him. and against my better judgment I am spending too much time thinking about him. I am going to have dinner with him on Thursday and I am already planning how I can kiss him again. for longer this time. I haven't kissed anyone since Josh. so what had happened was I was leaving so I was standing outside his apartment. yes I ended up at his apartment but I was only there for like 30 minutes tops and nothing happen there. I didn't even take off my coat. but when I was leaving he gave me a really good hug and as we were separating he stayed close to my face and looked at me and then went in to kiss me before I really even knew what was happening. and the kiss felt urgent and fast, like he had been wanting to kiss me and knew we didn't have much time. we didn't because I pulled away pretty quickly because we were standing on newbury street. but I really want to kiss him again. and I want to talk to him again. and ah. I don't know. it is just so strange. I hadn't even talked to him too much on coffee meets bagel (the dating app) but it somehow worked out that we were going to meet up and I decided to just go for it. I figured it would at least be interesting. but he is really cool. and smart. he went to brown for computer science. and he thinks I am really cool. and who knows maybe he does this all the time and we didn't actually connect and he is just using me but I hope not. and he is more attractive in person than in his pictures. and he is from India but he doesn't have an Indian accent. and I don't want to think about him. I want to focus on finals. I want to be able to sleep without checking my phone every two seconds. ahhh stupid. and we will see how dinner goes on Thursday. I am already thinking about how if i wanted to he could come back to my suite because all my suitemates will be gone. but then that gets dangerous so I would tell him before he came over that we weren't having sex. but still to just kiss him would be great. but also to talk to him at dinner would also be great. I am still awake because I am waiting for him to text back. but he might not now. he might be asleep. he works so he has to be up early. but anyways now I should sleep. but there is the update. cool.