okay guys i'm actually really fine. I didn't even remember Abby's last name...and looking at pictures I wasn't wishing I was there. like I felt 100% good that I wasn't part of all of that anymore. wow. okay. great. i'm better than I thought. cool. now I can go sleep. night!

i'm in fucking china and i'm thinking about and missing them. wow molly. good job. no it's okay because even though i'm in china, i'm still me.

hi so I don't know if I've mentioned Kristen but she is awesome and I just spent like the past two hours just talking to her. but what happens is that when you talk to someone you often talk about your past and you tell them stories and such. so tonight was telling her about my falling out with Abby and the whole Josh thing too and it's strange. it's strange that what happened before and these people that I don't talk to anymore are still sort of part of my life as I tell my new friend about them. it's like they are still a part of me. which is kind of sad. my best friends from high school. now they probably both hate me. but yet I still talk about them to my new friends. or at least Kristen. it's so easy to talk to her and just talk about our lives. it's really nice and refreshing. i'm so lucky and glad that she is here.

but it's kind of hard thinking about josh and abby and all of that. it makes me want to look up to see how they are doing. but then Kristen was talking about how if abby was a true friend she would have come to me and talked to me instead of getting fed whatever crap josh's mom was probably saying about me. it's hard losing your boyfriend and your best friend at the same time. also Kristen was saying how Abby's confidence and identity are probably tied up in Colin since they have been together so long. and i'm sure that's probably true. okay you are probably like "Kristen said" yeah yeah she doesn't know anything you just met her and you just told her all these stuff. well right now she is one of my best friends and she is here.

now i'll probably go stalk josh and abby again before I go to sleep. now that I really want to but i'm still so curious especially now that I have been talking about them. or i'll go read old blog posts. oh but I was saying before that I don't think i'll fully move on (I mean I have moved on completely but you know...) until I get another boyfriend. because all my feelings and affections and love were all given to Josh and he is the only one who has had that from me. so until someone else earns that or wins that or gets that from me and I decide to give that to someone else...Josh still owns all of it, even if it was years ago. he is still the only one.

I miss him.

so I looked up our house's listing and it was sad. it was sad seeing all the pictures of our house like no one even lived there. my room looked so empty without the wall decorated and all my stuff. the tenants will be out of our old house by November 1st so there is a chance that by the time I go back we will have moved...it's kind of hard. I mean I moved before but that was different because we kept the old house and I barely remember that now. plus it was on happier occasions. now we are moving because of a divorce and to a smaller house where I won't even have my own room and it won't feel like home because I will never be there really. so when I come home for breaks it won't feel like home. I mean I guess that's growing up and that happens. it's just kind of hard that's all.

but it's alright I am glad I am here in china. and now I am seriously looking into studying abroad next fall as well in south America because my mom gave me the "go for it" so I have a Skype call with the study abroad advisor on Tuesday. and I am looking at internships and jobs for the spring. ahh crazy stuff. first midterm is on my Monday as well but i'm not really worried I just have to do some readings.

but it's okay. i'm in a good place right now. I am where I want to be. I am doing what I want to do. I am working towards my goals and passions. I am confident in myself and my choices. I am moving forward and whatever happens happens. I am still very driven and motivated, as long as I am happy then everything will be great.

I think that's all. i'll try to keep you updated. but life is good.

hi, i'm not even sure what to say to you. i'm very tired and I should just go to sleep but i'm listening to music and all curled up in my bed and I just wanted to write for a bit.

I was just in Taiwan for a week. I stayed with my dad's girlfriend's brother and mother. which is kind of strange. but they were so nice and welcoming and they are the best. it was him, his wife, their two daughters, and his mother. roxy and I saw so much and navigated through Taiwan by ourselves. I even did a day by myself because roxy was sick. so I took a tour bus to beipu and then lion's head mountain. I hiked a mountain by myself and it was amazing. that was the best day and the best adventure. just to be alone and to figure everything out by myself. there is nothing like that feeling of just traveling by yourself.

but i'm just still living in china. I don't know if I am becoming a better person or having the experience of a lifetime. all I know is that is it a lot harder living here than at babson. I can't just ask people things. I basically can't talk to anyone expect those in my program. which becomes a problem when you want to go anywhere, buy anything, eat food, etc. And then just doing Chinese everyday is exhausting. I don't know, I just kind of feel disconnected from everything. it's not a bad thing, it's just hard living abroad. I love it and I am glad I am here and I wouldn't change it. but sometimes you just wish your internet didn't keep disconnect from your phone so you can't call your dad and that you could just talk to your mom instead of getting a card from her and only exchanging a few texts in a week.

now I need to stop because i'm feeling sad. really I just need to sleep. up at 8am again for another quiz.

ahh I don't know i'm just trying to figure life out I guess. all I can do is take on one day at a time. same as if I was back home. I just do it here.

I don't know, just having one of those nights where I want something more...like I want to talk to someone or I don't know, like something is missing.

probably sleep. okay sleep now. goodnight!