i have so much to catch you up on. the paradise fears/sunderland concert seems like forever ago.

and the taylor house party seems like two forevers ago.

i'm exhausted now though. i was in the library from 2 to 12 with Amelie and was deliriously tired by the end.

and i'm doing that stupid thing where i have a crush on a boy who i don't really know and i think about him too much and my stomach does that stupid butterfly thing. the problem is though that i have barely talked to him and really don't know anything about him. and i shouldn't have a crush on him. and i should stop thinking about him. and honestly i need to stop being an idiot. and i need to stop thinking about boys. i'm a happy self-confident independent woman who doesn't need or want a man. i have to focus on school and making money and getting an internship this semester. and then this summer i need to focus on my internship. then in the fall i'll be in china. (even though this crush is going on the BRIC program so he will be in China for a bit during the fall just saying...but who knows what our relationship will be then (meaning friends, enemies, not talking, acquaintances, madly in love, etc))

i had a nice dinner out with Amelie and Ellie today though. we focused on positive things and smiled and laughed a lot. and i just really love them. and yeah. now i should sleep. i got like 6 hours last night and i am so exhausted. so i am going to go sleep now. maybe i'll catch you up on everything soon.

there is something so magically to have the whole crowd singing along in time and so loudly you can barely even hear the main singer. it is almost like that is how you are supposed to hear the song. with everyone who has been changed for the better and affected by the song. with everyone who understands it. with everyone who now owns the song. as soon as that song is sent into the world the fans are the one who take it and give it life and give it meaning and turn it into something amazing. so it is only right to hear it being sung with the people who make it what it is.

i'm saying this because i went to a paradise fears concert and it was so magical. but i recorded a lot for the audio and i'm going through to make it into mp3s and when everyone sang Sanctuary it was amazing. you could just feel how much that song meant to everyone who was singing it as loud as they could. they were thanking Sam and all of Paradise Fears by singing along. and they were letting them know how much that song means to them by knowing every word.

that concert was "Acoustic and in the Round" so the stage was a circle and everyone was surrounding them. it was such an intimate and awesome concert. unlike anything i have ever seen. i was really there to see Sunderland and then i looked up Paradise Fears and really liked them too. so i didn't know all of their songs. but i still felt so connected. but at the same time i could appreciate the concert almost removed a bit because i wasn't as emotionally invested as the rest of the fans. and it was such an amazing experience. i can't explain what it was like to look around and see all of those people just singing along and so happy and looking at the band and knowing how they are living their dream. and it was so magical.

and i loved seeing Sunderland, they are so nice and i really do love them a lot. and they sounded so amazing. and they are just such great people.

i haven't told you anything about our days with Taylor. and i'm not sure if i want to tell you everything now. maybe i should. let me think about it. if i do, i am going to do it in a separate blog post. but Paradise Fears - you guys put on an amazing concert. thank you.

hi can I complain for a little bit? okay so I don't know what I last wrote in here, hold on. okay yeah so you know how Dylan was all like: I was going to suggest coming up this weekend? And that I freaked out and shut that down. and I have been trying to make it up to him, I suggested one weekend he could come up: he didn't. and then this weekend he went to stonehill to visit his friend which is only 30 minutes away. and I was dogsitting all day so it was a perfect time for him to come visit. and he was all like, i'll have to wait and see....I don't know my plans. and at the same time asking if we could cuddle. likeeee either make it happen or don't. tell me if you know you aren't going to come so i'm not just waiting around. it's not a big deal if you decide not to come, but what really annoys me is when you just have me waiting around. but then his phone dies. he says a minute before it dies that it is going to die so basically just ruining any chance we had of meeting up. actually no. he could have gotten a charger - he has an iphone. he could have borrowed someone's laptop and talked to me on facebook. like it's obvious that he didn't put in any effort to see me - after giving me a hard time for not having time for him to come up. then I make all this time. like fuck you. and then he just drives home - he was saying how he was going to stay for the superbowl, and he couldn't ditch his friend, and that Natick was on the way home so if he went there he would be ditching his friend. and then he goes home. he could have easily stopped at Natick to see me but he didn't. of course. and when he gets home he texts me and says his phone dies and he is sorry and feels bad. so I say, not going to lie i'm pretty annoyed. and then he responds with: "Alright, to be honest I think you and I should stop talking, you are being way to pushy and I just don't need that right now, I'm sorry" to which I just said "fine by me."

this is what gets me. he says all this amazing stuff about me. like how i'm fantastic and how he wants to see me and cuddle and how i'm smart and beautiful and amazing. and then he just cuts me out because I am being too pushy and I wanted to see him. granted I was being probably too pushy, but at the same time I just like knowing the plan for the day and not having last minute stuff going on. like if I knew we weren't doing lunch I would have gotten lunch before coming here. and gahhh. so frustrating.

maybe I have a different philosophy about friends. I always go out of my way for my friends. like for anything. Ellie asks me to go hang out with her so she doesn't have to be alone. I will. go see Michelle singing at pub. stay up late talking with people. like friends to me are so important and I try to always do things for them. that was one of the things that annoyed me the most about Abby, that she didn't go out of her way to come support me. and Dylan didn't make effort to see me when he easily could have. so that pisses me off. especially after everything. he dragged me into his shit. he made me tell him what I liked about him - he literally asked that question. and then he got offended when I said we were friends - like that the hell? you really aren't more than my friend. I've never fucking met you, you said you don't want a relationship and I don't want one either. I'VE NEVER MET YOU and every time I've tried you have shut that down.

okay yeah I didn't realize it but he really was a toxic person in my life that I do not need whatsoever. I tried to help him and support him through the shit he was going through. did he help me through anything? nope, he just made me break down at one point. he was supposed to be a fun distraction but nahhh he really was more of a pain in the neck than anything else.

yep i'm going to go delete him from everything just so I can have a clean start. I really don't need him in my life. I mean he is a good kid, but just a kid I need in my life. silly molly. but at least I learned a lot from this. good talk.