the sad part is i do. feel like crying. but i'm not going to. Maura is opposite of me at the end other end of the table. i need to be strong for her. i need to be strong for myself. i can let one day and something that mother nature has graced with me with since i'm a lovely girl ruin my day. don't have to worry about tears ruining my makeup - don't own any. not that i care. well i do but not extremely. just sort of one of those things. but i don't care. i really don't.
today was...no way to explain it. at all. i guess everything was okay. it was a delayed start so i got to sleep in. that was nice. i took a shower in the morning. but my hair was cooperating. it was being awful. i managed to get in into something but i didn't really like it and it wasn't worth all the time i spent with it. can't i just chop it all off and then not have to worry about it ever again? oh right. i can't. because society doesn't work like that. guys can be bald. not girls. stupid.
the thing was that nothing happened today. expect for 7th period but that made it worse. i'll guess i'll get to that later. the thing is i don't have anything to look forward to. i can't really think of anything except getting out of the house and my future. but really most of the stuff i am learning won't help me in life except from the whole social part which i hate.
yes i have friends. i have wonderful friends. but the thing is i never see them out of school. when i do it is extremely awkward. which shows they aren't the best best best friends that they could be. my fault mostly. i'm not good with people. now i feel like crying again. i shouldn't though. so what? oh right. i'm going to have to deal with people for the rest of my life.
i don't want to talk about 7th period really. i didn't realize someone had stolen my book. this book that i couldn't put down. it made me feel pretty awful. not to mention there is one kid in that class i can't talk to at all cause i am just stupid like that. i always just feel awkward in that class. not sure why...maybe it has something to do with that whole fact i can't see to get along with people just right. it's like they are all on a radio channel and i'm trying to tune myself so i'm on the same channel but it keeps coming in fuzzy for me and it just isn't crystal clear yet. figures.
is it weird that i get attached to books? like i fall in love with characters and hate others? i put myself into the story and i think like - "OMG! I don't believe that for a second. I don't like him at all. I bet he is doing something with..." seriously. i don't just read a book. i'm reading The House of Night by P.C. and Kristin Cast and i so wish i was a vampyre. not one of them but like i was just another character in their circle of friends. you know what i mean? it's strange. i do it with a lot of books. some more than others.
i want to write a book someday. a book that girls like me, my age, will fall in love with. fall in love with the characters and hate others. one they can connect with. one they have to buy at the bookstore. one that they love. yet i know i'm not going to be an author for my living. yet i know i will write a young adult fiction book.
i love to write. i think i have a ton of books that i have started but haven't finished. i don't think that - i know that. i wish that i could just sit down and write. like now. but i don't have the time. which is why i haven't been writing in this lovely blog thing. that and i forget or i don't feel like it. i really should write more often. it's good for me.
let me clear something up - i'm not depressed. no matter what i have said or i'm going to say. i'm not depressed. okay? thanks.
i wish i could talk to my sister about more things. i feel as though we never talk about anything. i wish i was a better older sister.
now i feel like crying again. because i'm not as good as an older sister as i could be.
the thing is my family doesn't talk about anything. actually my sisters do talk a lot but not about anything which is making me want to cry right now. my mother asks me everyday how was school and everyday i say good or fine. i guess i could tell her everything there but i don't know how to put my feelings into words. not even when i am writing them. i can't say everything that i can feeling just by typing this up. seriously. sooooooo much i'm not saying right now. because i don't know how.
i think when i get a horse of my own it will help. a lot. i will have someone who is all mine. who i can connect with and work with. who needs me just as much as i need them. sure, it'll be a horse and not a person but it is better than nothing. i just need to find that right horse. isn't it awful that some horses i can't get because i'm too tall? cause i look too big? stupid. yet i understand it completely.
one day i am going to completely crack. i know it's coming. the only way i can stop it is if things start going my way so the crack will start to mend itself.
you know those boyfriends and girlfriends that teenagers get in high school? i don't have one. i don't want one. i don't believe in them. i don't think they should exist. i don't think that they are true love. i don't know if anything will become of them. i don't...
yeah.
i think the only reason i am saying all of that is because i haven't been in love yet. yes i have had lots of crushes but i haven't loved any of them. i may have thought i did. i didn't. not even close. i still don't have anyone. of course there is one crush - that 7th period person. but honestly i don't think i really do. really do what? like him. love him. whatever. i definitely don't love him. sorry. that was harsh. but it's true. actually it wasn't harsh at all. it sucks. especially since i don't think that any guy has any feelings for me what so ever. YAY! that means that i'm an ugly little anti-social smart girl who just drags her way through life and no one is really sure if she has any friends or not or if she is just a freak who is trying to be cool and fit in which isn't really working out for her and she should just give up.
okay that was harsh. i know i shouldn't say those things about myself. i'm suppose to say positive things to myself. but i'm not in a very positive mood right now. i don't have charisma or whatever that is that my health teacher was talking about. yeah. i'm pretty much an outcast.
okay. time to move on. let me just remind you again - not depressed.
i'm just a typical teenager. i'm sure that everyone else is thinking the same way i am and they think the same things and blah, blah, blah. really knowing that doesn't help at all. i know the only reason that i'm thinking this is because i'm a teenager and that is what teenagers do - hate themselves and their family. not gonna happen. wait it already is. minus the family part. i love them soooo much but i don't tell them much. instead i keep it all inside like i'm not suppose to.
now i'm not sure what to write about. it's not like there isn't anything else to write. there is lots. i think i just kind of took it all out of me right now. but i still feel everything in my chest. it's all there. i guess i feel little bit better but in a way i'm no different than when i started writing this.
if you are reading this just remember - i'm not depressed. you are probably amazing if you are reading this and it's not our fault i feel this way. not at all. it's just me. and i don't think feeling this way is really a bad thing...? whatever. i'm not going to over think this like i do with everything else. and you don't over think this either.
i managed to not cry through this whole thing.
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