I have no posted here in a while. let me see what the last thing I posted was. I feel like I start a lot of posts like this.

ah fuck you're missing a lot.

yeah, yeah, I've had sex with James, not that big of a deal. we're still together. he's great. I spend a lot of time with him.

I'm still in Ireland. I have a job and am working at a carpet cleaning company doing marketing for them but he is also a manager for an artist so I help with that too.

But I just got off the phone with my dad. And I realize/he confirmed what I was thinking about didn't want to believe - that I have to start putting a lot more into my job. Like I am just sort of there but since I don't like it, I'm not really trying. I have to start trying and actually do shit even if I don't really like it. I want to make myself the best employee at that company. That's what my dad said he did, so maybe I'll try that. It is so hard to motivate myself though when it is so boring. But I'll give it my best effort tomorrow. Like one day of actually trying to work the full day without wasting time and bullshitting.

And then I also have to find time to work on myself and what I want to do. Like today I took the time to revise my resume. But now I am considering waking up earlier in the morning so I can do the Darren Hardy thing where I work on myself and learn. And then I am going to have to go to more concerts and start networking and learning things.

Ah so much and I don't know what I'm doing. But I am living on my own now - well in a house with three other people. And a lot has happened that I haven't told you about. But I'm still surviving.

Okay so my game plan is I am going to wake up at 7 tomorrow, which is 45 minutes earlier than I have to. I'm going to try to do the Darren Hardy thing my dad paid a lot of money for, for his company, but he gave me access too.

And next week I'm going to start looking into what concerts are going on so I can start going to more of those even if they are during the week so I can see the scene and all.

But now I'm just tired and it's not even 10 and I'm going to get ready to go to bed. Awesome.

so a lot has happened. I bought birth control, I haven't started it yet, I need to wait for my period to start.

I almost, started to have sex with James last night? like his tip was in and he had a condom on but then it started to hurt and I freaked out. but there was blood so that was fun.

oh I also talked to my mom about going on birth control and she said to make sure I use condoms too.

and James did tell me straight that if wouldn't see other people romantically while he was seeing me romantically - and that he wouldn't want to. he has been very clear how much he likes me and yeah.

I trust him a lot. I slept over his house last night. and next time I'm over there I will be having sex with him. So exciting stuff.

And I'm so tired but that is the update I got for you. Okay goodnight.

Oh I also realized my dad forgot my birthday, I had talked to him the day before my birthday and he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. and then he was going to call today - because he was driving, but my wifi wasn't working. but I didn't hear anything from him day of, so cool.

so last night I stayed up until 5am talking to James. it was later before I fell asleep. there was already light coming through the window.

I don't know how we started talking about it. but I was asking him a bunch of questions and then I said something stupid and felt horrible. and then it turned into talking about us. and he just has a different understanding and viewpoint of relationship. like he is committed to our friendship and this is everything (except sex) that we have, but it isn't exclusive. like he can do whatever he wants with his body. but I still trust him. like I know it sounds like a way to just sleep around with whoever he wants but it kind of makes sense. he says I kept fixating too much on the other people when that is not what it is about. he didn't want to spell it out for me so I could figure it out. and often he said that he shouldn't have to say this. basically there is him and then there is me, we are our own separate people but we have a good time together, the best of times. and we still have our own separate lives. by saying we're "exclusive" is just saying something to ease insecurities, but not actually doing anything. he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to be accountable to me. we aren't dependent on each other. but we can still build this friendship.

and he said how he has never tried to distance himself from me. and I thought these jokes were a way to keeping a distance, but he said no they were just jokes. and he said how hard he works to try to get me to laugh. and he said how smart I am, because I can keep up with him and call him out.

and I made the mistake last night of asking roxy for help with what to say and that made it worse because Roxy is very much in one set mindset and I don't think she would have gotten it quickly enough to help me. so I sent a few bad messages based on Roxy's advice.

but I think I am going to give this a go because what he says makes sense. all about being independent and your own person, this is what I say when I am talking about relationships. but why not go all in for the summer. fully knowing that this will be over in august. but you still have those memories and we helped shape the other person into who they are and will become.

and I am seriously considering sex with him. it seems like one of the safest ways to do it for the first time. with someone who trusts and respects me and it is what it is. I know where we stand and I know it is only going to be for these three months and I am okay with that. as hard as that conversation was, it was necessary and I feel better about everything.

it is different than what I am used to and grown up thinking. but honestly by being in a relationship and being exclusive are just words. I would rather just build up a friendship and I decide what I want to do with my body and with who. and if this all blows up in my face, then okay, but i'm going to try and see what happens.

i'm finding and building my own person now and I think I need to take ownership of that. I need to step away from asking my friends everything and be confident in myself and what I do.

and I think I am going to have to write Ellie a letter. because running away and ignoring it isn't the most adult thing to do.

anyways I came to Ireland to think I was going to intern, I quit that, and now I got myself tangled into this mess with James. it isn't actually a mess. I am grateful and i'm glad. he pushes me to think different and to think about myself.


ughh it still kind of gets me. thinking that he could do the same thing with other girls. but he says it is not about that, I am just stuck on that. okay maybe I just got it. it's like me saying "you are not allowed to see other girls" but who I am to say what he is and is not allowed to do? he chooses what is best for him. I just focus on my friendship/relationship with him and I make choices for myself.

if he was having sex with other women, then that is probably a symptom of something else is wrong in our friendship, or not wrong, but I don't know. i'm still working this out in my head. it's like it makes sense and I get it one second but then it jumps back and I am stuck again.

ah okay, I need to get up, get some food, get dressed, do work for Phil, then I have a phone call with him later. I also need to put clothes away. and then I have four people who I need to call. and I am still considering if I should tell my mom that I am thinking I am on birth control

it's like my emotions are on a different schedule. my brain is saying one thing but they are off running away. and then as soon as I get them back under control another thing sets them off. no amount of reason can bring them back, they hold onto hope and possibility and just go off.

ugh. like I kind of just want to end this so I can move on and stop getting pulled back in.

so I was just talking to Maeve and my aunt comes in and tells me it's quarter to one so I need to be quiet and I need to shut my window because of the alarm.

and now I am worried that they can hear everything is say and I was talking about sex and James and everything. so shit if they can hear everything.

and I can't even leave my window open.

I sometimes really hate living here and just want my own space. i'm old enough to stay up as late as I want and leave my window up and talk about sex without worrying about who is hearing me. ah this sucks. I feel stuck here. I haven't even been here a month yet. and i'm already ready to move on. I better start planning some more trips because there is no way I can keep this up.

but I told Maeve about the whole James thing and she is cool about it and it was good to talk to her about this stuff. but I know what I have to do and I've come to terms with it all. so whatever. I don't really know what i'm doing. I just kind of feel judged and trapped here and I just want out. I want my own place. ugh.

I feel sick and tired. but whatever. but it's not whatever because they are letting me stay here for free and feeding me and everything so I have to be gracious and stay out of the way. but I just want to stop tip-toeing around and just feel comfortable here.

today was actually a pretty good day but now I just feel like shit. it's probably just because i'm tired. but tomorrow I have to wake up and face them. and I can tell my aunt is just getting annoyed with me. and god I just want to escape and be by myself and just do what I want without feeling like i'm trapped. this kind of sucks.

and it says James is online but he has not seen my last message and he isn't responding. and I just want to cry and get out of here.

oh I have so much to tell you. but i'm too tired to do it all now.

but I am trying to not let myself get attached. because I know he's not the right one. and I know he won't ever treat me the way I deserve or want to be treated. like I can only take so many jokes ragging on me. and I know he is judging me for being a virgin and I know he is going to want to have sex. and if I don't have sex with him he is going to go have sex with other women. so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only woman he is dating or seeing. and I can't justify having sex with him so he will be exclusive with me. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me regardless of the sex.

and i'm sad because I know it's not going to work out how I want it to. there isn't going to be a fairy tale ending here and i'm going to lose the closest friend I have here. I mean I can propose that we just be friends but won't it be awkward now after we already went past that just friends line?

I don't want to have this conversation with him because I know it is most likely going to end with him saying that he wants to have sex and doesn't understand being in a relationship or exclusive with someone without sex. which I can see and understand where he is coming from but I just don't agree. i'm worth more than sex and i'm worth more than jokes about him having side bitches and me being one of them.

this would be so much easier if I just had sex with him. like sex isn't that big of a deal, is it? well it would cost me almost 100 euros to get on birth control between the consultation and the actual pill for three months. but apart from that, it's that big of a deal right? who am I kidding, Molly you will get even more attached if you have sex with him. and you are going to have to leave in three months. and even if there is that little hope that it could still work, you know very well it wouldn't. you wouldn't want it to because you are going to be off somewhere new and don't want to worry about a boyfriend - you did that once and saw how badly that worked out. plus his life is so different than mine, he wouldn't travel to the US or anywhere really. but it would be so nice to have him to myself as a friend and more and to have sex with him for three months. I could still make the decision to do that. and as much as I want to do that, I think I would still be disappointed. I don't think he could give me the emotional connection I want. I want to feel like I belong and have a place here and I don't think i'll find that by having sex with James and I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

but maybe i'm wrong and it would make me happy and I would have a great friend and I don't know. it sort of feels like i'm making a big deal out of nothing. like why not just get sex over with so I don't have to go through this again the next time I meet someone I like.

I don't think this really helped me figure it out. like what I said at first is what I know makes logical sense but don't you just want to say fuck what makes sense and do the irrational and crazy even though you know it will hurt you in the long run?

i'm going over his house tomorrow.

why am I so nervous.