this skype conversation is torture. it is so awkward and i have nothing to say. fuck.

i haven't posted here in a long time and there is a lot to catch up on. i should be doing homework but i'm doing this instead.

first off, i just got rid of Abby as a viewer on this blog. why? because she hasn't been a good friend. maybe i haven't been a good friend to her either. but yepp no. first off, it started that one night when i was up late and i had already told Josh i had went to sleep, and she FINALLY texted me after not texting me in forever. and i wanted to talk to her! but instead she told me to go to sleep AND she told josh that i was still awake. it was not her place to tell josh and she should have just talked with me! so that pissed me off. then she wanted to go see a movie with colin and josh and i, but she wanted to go see the hobbit which i already saw, and it is a long movie so i didn't really want to see it again, but i sucked it up and went anyways. then she didn't even sit with josh and i. i turned around and she was sitting somewhere else. umm? if i was going to a movie with just josh then we would have went to see another movie. and then i barely talked to her after that. i texted her once and it was just normal conversation that sort of faded off. then i texted her again a while after no contact and again it was just sort of nice conversation, nothing really. she didn't ask me how i have been handling everything that was going on or anything - and i had told her everything back when it first happened. and then i saw her at mt.toms and found out she had spring break the week before me but didn't contact me to try to hang out that one weekend we had overlapping. so i didn't go out of my way to talk to her while we were there. so peace out. if you don't care or want to talk to me, then i won't care and i won't talk to you either.

so there's that. but i had to get her off this blog so i could vent about her and about josh without being afraid that she would tell him. and i gave her plenty of chances, that last post about missing her - yeah no response. i know she saw it. whateves.

okay what next? the divorcing parents or the maybe-soon-to-be-ex boyfriend? difficult decision.

i'll talk about josh then. recently i just haven't been feeling like texting or talking to him. when i do it is just really about nothing. seriously, we talk about nothing. and it isn't like the cute little, "i don't even know what we were talking about! anything, nothing!" it was seriously like we had nothing to say so we talked about nothing. we don't share our feelings or what is going on or anything. but i still feel like i have to text him all the time, he used to text me again if i didn't text him back in a few hours but recently he has stopped doing that. i don't know. i still really care about him and love him and all, but i don't feel like texting him or hanging out. like when i was home on break i didn't want to see him, i had to force myself to go out and i brought Roxy with me (she stayed with me for the whole week, but she said that she would stay home while i went out with him, not that i would do that) and honestly it was just awkward and then he ended up going to the play with us, which was sort of weird too, and really awkward. it's almost like i'm just not interested anymore. and josh doesn't really make an effort either. just texts me. it's like if he really cared wouldn't he try harder to hold onto me? and like a few hours ago, i was like let's skype, but there were people in his room sooo that didn't happen. i'm waiting for when he says that he is available but nothing yet. i don't know. at the same time i don't want to break up because it's scary and i've been with him for so long. but at the same time i do. i mean i know this is absolutely crazy and ridiculous, but i want to be single for the R5 concerts, just in case you know. not that anything is even possible. but there is just a flicker of hope. and that flicker of hope is almost gone when i'm in a relationship. just i don't know. i don't see myself ever marrying Josh unless he changes a lot, which i don't expect or want him to. i feel like we are getting close to a break up. but it still sucks. i like the feeling of being wanted and liked by someone. and i like feeling secure in a relationship. and i wish i was clearer instead of this wishy washy what do i do state.

now i don't even know if i want to talk about the parents because that is even yuckier. it gives me like this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. but yayyy Vivian just gave me nerds from Vinita!

ummm what else, so much else. like Alex Aiono is maybe the most flawless person ever. okay i haven't met him yet but he is such a sweetheart on twitter and all. like seriously he is awesome. but that means every other girl who follows him on twitter is also in love with him. he is too young for me anyways, just turned 17, so he is for Maeve. i call Taylor and Riker, and potentially the boys from Sunderland and maybe the boys from Hollywood Ending but they are a bit young too. hahhh, look at me go.

and now josh is online for skype, reality sets him. i can't have any of those boys because i already have a different one. i feel like i have more to talk about, i know i do. but that will do for now.